Hello everyone,
new poster here . I have been separated for less than 3 weeks from my wife of close to 16 years. out of the blue she blew up and asked me to move out of our house leaving her and my 2 daughters. I tell you that was the hardest thing i have ever done. During the argument that led up to me leaving she said things that have never come out of her mouth. She said she could never think of sleeping with me again that it would degrade herself as a woman. She said she was looking forward to meeting someone that she had more in common with.
when I left i only took enough stuff to get me through a few days hoping she would change her mind.. well as the week went on it became more aparent that she wasn't changing her mind. I made arrangements to get my stuff the following weekend. Well when the day arrived and i got there she had packed all my stuff and had it waiting at the door. i said wow.. looks like your trying to erase me from our house.. she said she was she didnt want me in her life even if i changed her feeling for me woudn't change.  She asked me to leave her alone and get on with moving on in my life.. I hadn't contacted her for 4 days  since then she has called 4 or 5 times talking about un inportant stuff and she even emailed me saying she got me some pots and pans... She said she fekt bad that she had all of our furniture and household items that when we sell the house she will split them up...

does anyone have any ideas or perspective on what might be the problem...  granted the marriage wasn't always great I never saw this coming..

Hey Skinman.

I'm giving you advise that I wish someone had told me.

1. Tell her you love her, miss her, and want to work things out. "That's the amount of calling you should at this point". Don't be calling her repeatedly and make sure not to talk mean or loud. No arguing.... SHE COULD BE GETTING YOU UPSET AND THEN RECORDING YOUR RESPONSE TO BE USED IN COURT LATER.

2. Send her some flowers. DON'T BE HANGING AROUND THE HOUSE SPYING. SHE CAN CLAIM LATER  THAT YOU HAVE "STALKING" HER.

3. If you have credit cards together...."STOP THEM".

4. Let her sulk, wine, whimper, or complain to anyone she wants. She needs to decompress to someone now that you are not present.

5. Forgive her for whatever was said in anger. While it is not very polite, we all say things we later regret. Refrain from doing the same....For obvious reasons, but because YOU MAY BEING RECORDED FOR LATER USE IN COURT.

6. Remove everything from your house that you don't want presented at court. PRESCRIPTIONS, MAGAZINES, PICTURES, AND BY ALL MEANS MOVIES YOU TWO MIGHT SHARE IN PRIVATE. YOU DON'T WANT YOUR INNOCENT BELONGINGS TO PORTRAY YOU AS "CHESTER THE MOLESTER'.

7. Don't give up on your marriage unless you are ready to. If you really love her, tell her, show her, and convince her that you are willing to work as hard as you ever have to make your marriage work.  AGAIN, SHOULD YOU UNFORTUNATELY END UP IN COURT, YOU HAVE PROOF THAT THE DIVORCE IS NOT YOUR CHOICE NOR YOUR FAULT.

8. If you find yourself going to court for a "simple" separation agreement, without a question obtain legal assistance.   THIS IS WHERE THEY GET YOUR SIMPLE RESPONSES TO QUESTIONS ASK, AND YOU ARE LOCKED INTO THOSE ANSWERS DESPITE WHAT YOU LATER RECALL.

9.Don't forget your kids. Regardless of what is occurring, make sure the children don't loose anything they had prior to the breakup. They are your most important responsibility. Keep your expenditures to a minimum. THE OPPOSING COUNCIL WILL COMPARE HOW YOU ARE LIVING VERSES HOW SHE IS LIVING. THE SNEAKY ATTORNEY WILL BE LOOKING FOR EVERY PENNY HE CAN SQUEEZE FROM YOUR LIFELESS BODY...
SERIOUSLY THIS IS WHERE ALIMONY AND CHILD SUPPORT IS DERIVED.

10. Don't under estimate the power and vengeance of a sore spouse. By this point she has a game plan detailing every thing she needs to get you to do. Make sure you avoid places which are not popular to the courts, and for Gods sake do not get caught in what appears to be a compromizing situation despite how innocent it might be. Be on your best behavior and request through council the opportunity to talk privately with your spouse. Reiterate how much you love her. But NEVER say you can't live without her, even if that's how you feel. THIS CAN BE TURNED AROUND TO SHOW THAT YOU ARE A POTENTIAL BOMB WAITING TO EXPLODE, OR SOMEONE WHO IS A DANGER TO HIMSELF AND OTHERS. Don't under estimate how low slimey attorneys will go to make money.

I'm sure the majority of attorneys don't act like this. However the ones who are big named, or has a reference of winning, rather than be a good attorney are very often those you need to watch out for. Remember they decended about the same time as the cockroach!

Now for my personal take on separations and divorce.
While you might think I am very suspicious of your spouse and her attorney, which I am very so, the statements I've made are only to try and prevent you from loosing your shirt, as well as any self respect, and your public image should things not work out between you two. I loved and actually still do love my ex more than any woman would expect. Right up to the final moment when I was handed a divorce decree, I was sure she would recognize the love she was loosing from me and the children. I was positive that there was enough there that I could reverse anything she had "mistakenly" done. You know my feeling on attorneys. Divorce lawyers are the most sleazy creatures to walk the earth. How they sleep at night is beside me. The destroy marriages and families in order to make a buck. When their number is called, I'm sure they are not prepared for the actions God is going to dish out. Of course there are obvious marriages that need to be ended. But when an attorney see's someone who is mixed up, or is not sure, they should have the obligation to reccomend alternate steps than divorce. But that is money they would be letting go.

I have lived what I speak of. While I was stunned and trying everything in my power to keep my marriage together, the slimball was keeping her from any contact with me in which I could talk to her and show her why I thought it was a great mistake. She had everything any spouse would want, both physically, fiscially, and pschologically. I supported everything she was doing career wise and obviously loved her beyond any expectation. Twentynine years and I never strayed or even thought about it. We were the couple people wished they could be. We weren't perfect, but we always had something that could be worked on. I never layed a finger on her in anger. We had our differences as all couples do. And when we had the opportunity to be alone, life was the greatest it could be. I felt as loved as any man could, and I fought to keep her and that feeling. I was ready, as you must be, to fight for my marriage. What I didn't expect was being portrayed by the slimeball in such a poor light. After being eaten alive by an attorney and a judge who had me labeled as being guilty of everything possible without any merit. He sided with my ex because I had no attorney. I forgot that the court system is a way to make money, and the judge is an attorney also. While I am a christian and know it is wrong, I wish deeply that they are hurt or harmed severely in a manner that forces them to deal with what they have done in a lifetime of destroying marriages. Every husband is not a bastard that drinks, beats his wife, and doesn't support his family. Most are like me, a decent guy who loves his family more than his own life. A man who has his ups and downs, but always places his family first. A man who dreamed of growing old with the woman he choose to live his life with. No judge, jury, or lawyer has the right to inject themselves into a relationship if no laws are being broken. There are enough broken homes. Why stop someone fighting to keep his going??

Skinman, I only want to warn you upfront that the table is stacked against you. Our courts conduct marriage related cases as an assembly line. Spouse is pissed, and not real happy with you at present, easy solution. Issue an order keeping you 10,000 feet away from the home you are paying for. Keep the order intact long enough that the one year timeframe expires and the spouse is granted a divorce. How are you supposed to work through difficult times when you are banned from speaking to them. I am a true believer in marraige. So much so that I used everything I had in my arsenal to get my ex to sit down and talk, at the risk of being jailed for violating an order that was unfair to begin with. If you love her as much as I did, don't give up. Don't be one of those who twenty years down the road wonder if you did everything you could. I did do everything and still lost my spouse. The funny thing is she never once stated that she did not love me. If you chose to fight, be prepared for the pain and disappointment when things don't conclude as you wish. Be prepared to loose. With no fault divorce states there is no reason needed to quit a marriage. But on the other hand, you are fighting for everything that makes life worth living. I'll pray for you that the right conclusion will bring you relief and happiness.

Thank you Hatman and Bh29,

I appreciate both of your responses. So far she has been very agreeable to seeing my daughters she has even had me over for dinner and left me alone in the house with them while she worked. As far as saving my marriage I do want to  try at this point she is the one who says its over and has no wish to try and save it. As far as the attorneys go i dont think she has contacted any but I have spoken with a few and found out about my rights. there is no child support order or anything like that I have agreed to help her pay the mortgage and 1/2 my daughters expenses each month during the separation. I have given her back my set of keys to the house after i took pretty much anything that I wanted she was nice about that telling me whatever i wanted I could have. She has been going through menopause for the past few years and this makes me wonder if it might be a cause for her sudden mid life crisis that she is going through. A few weeks before we separated she has wanted to have cosmetic surgery done and I agreed to support her to the tune of 28,000$ worth to help her with her self esteem.
things seemed great we talked about the future and plans that we wanted to do. there were always small issues in the marriage we both worked different schedules when I was home she was usually gone and sometime we didnt have enough time for each other. I do love my wife and would give anything to have my family back like they say you cant make someone love you they have to feel it for themselves.

You both have given me great legal advice and hopefully it wont come to that at this point but if it does I will be ready with receipts and whatever else i may have at the time. so far she doesnt want attorneys involved and thats something we will deal with at a later date. I dont know if i have given enough information as to our relationship but i was happy in the marriage and assumed she was to we hardly ever had disagreements or fought for the most part we were very loving to each other when we had the chance.

This is so hard on me right now I see all of my dreams and hopes dying with my marriage the thought of only seeing my daughter and step daughter every few days hurts.. Does anyone have any advice on how to try and save your marriage when only one person wants to.. I have been going to counseling to try and show her that I am becoming a better man I started reading the bible more and joined a mens prayer group to help better myself
but am losing hope quickly about saving my family..

thanks for all your help people.
God Bless..........

I do know that women can be vicious I have seen the way she treated her ex. husband and what I went through in my first divorce..  I am afraid that when all is said and done we will end up hating each other.. someone who for 15 years I have loved and would have died for to think that it would come to this... it breaks my heart :(

I have tried I exercise go for walks and try to clear my head but the thoughts and memories haunt me. the future plans that will never come to pass and my children suffering through this because I couldnt keep the love of my wife. Each day is harder for me and longer. I just want the pain and sorrow to go away. I wish I could be like her she has no emotions when it comes to us. so cold and lifeless to think i have given everything to her for her just to be tossed aside as if I never mattered...