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5 years ago  ::  Apr 13, 2010 - 10:22AM #21
betty kim
Posts: 7

After a bad personal or work relationship, we sometimes have to distance ourselves from the person or persons causing us spiritual harm.  The Bible, God's word, directs us to take this action.  However, we may not want to go so far as to end the relationship if we feel the good out weighs the bad.  What then?  I like to rely on the Simplicity Prayer (my Mother's favorite) and what I remember my wise grandmother saying - "You have to learn to pass and re-pass."  Life is about change and compromise. 

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5 years ago  ::  May 13, 2010 - 12:24PM #22
Adam
Posts: 1

What should I do?


I am 29 years of age and have just come out of a 7 year relationship, I met what I thought was my soul mate! We have had amazing times over the years and I did not see this coming.


My partner has been working many hours for the last 6 months, sometimes upto 70 hours a week and I have supported her so that she may develop some kind of solid career by looking after the children as she does not leave work until 21:00 and could not look after them herself.


This all started around 12 days ago when out of the blue I was "dumped" and told to move out, no reason's no rowing just your "were over" I mean that itself was a shock, I came out with the normal stuff "have you met someone else" and she informed me that this is is due to "us not working anymore" which I kinda thought ok well things can change, I can do more, work harder etc.


About 5 days after she told me we were over I got a phone call from a friend of mine telling me he had seen my gf in town with another guy and he said it looked "dodgy" like they were into each other! I asked her about this and she didnt like it, she started shouting and having ago and lieing / denying everything. Very unlike her normally. I was starting to think my mate had got it wrong. Then I did something, I hacked her mobile phone and internet accounts such as facebook to see what was really going on, and guys let me tell you was horrifying! She has been txting, messaging and meeting up with this guy for weeks, they have even been planning a future together, even when I told her I knew about everything she still lied and lied, saying nothing is going on. So with what she was saying and the fact I knew anyway I phoned this guy and he told me that they are going to have  a "relationship". Needless to say I am totaly guttard, not sleeping or eating, but I am still getting up everyday at 05:00 for work (life goes on) but my point and question is this.........Do I walk away and just not talk to her for maybe a month or 2? do I try and resolve our problems? do I put this "guy" in A&E? I dont like feeling like this, I know things will be ok in a week or two but I still love her very much and I am very unsure what to do. I am guessing that I will never be able to trust her again, I dont know what to do............


oh and btw this guy she is seeing is one of her work mates, they work together!


Thanks for reading and any posts.


Adam

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5 years ago  ::  May 13, 2010 - 2:11PM #23
IreneAdler
Posts: 2,849

Hi Adam- welcome to B-Net.


 This woman treated you with disrespect, lied to your face, was rude to you, displayed no regard for your feelings, and, instead of discussing her wants regarding your relationship and working through --with you--  any issues she had, she simply stepped out on you.  Now, is this the type of person you want to maintain a relationship with? If so, why?  Are you somehow less deserving of a good, loving, faithful partner? Why?


 You posit that you won’t be able to trust her again (should the two of you remain together).  Does that sit well with you- always wondering if she’s faithful, truthful and being honest with you?  Don’t you deserve someone who is trustworthy?


 Sounds like you were more vested in this relationship than she was.  Never good. You suggest working “harder” as a way to save your relationship, how exactly does that translate into a solution?  And, exactly what problems can you resolve that will restore this relationship? She’s already solved such problems – by dating another fellow. You need to take proper care of you.


 


You might end things, making sure she understands YOU are ending them because SHE has cheated, lied and disrespected you (remember you are a man-not a doormat!).  And, down the line, if she should want a second chance, make it very clear what your boundaries are.  She must discuss with you any relationship issues she may harbor; no cheating, no lying.  She must act with sensitivity towards your feelings. This might include terminating her job if there is any chance the other man is still employed there. However, before you ask this, be sure that she won’t simply cheat with any other male she works with.


 


Irene.

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5 years ago  ::  May 13, 2010 - 10:17PM #24
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Adam-
First, what Irene said.

Second, i'm mighty sorry about what you're going through---it's never easy to get dumped, and it's even harder when it comes like a bolt out of the blue.

Do you both have children together?  If so, are you certain now that they are your children?  If not, i'd advise you to get as many DNA tests as needed.

If i were in your shoes, i'd take my stuff and go.  i wouldn't be vindictive and try to take back all the gifts i'd given her, and neither should she try to do the same to you.  If there are children of the relationship, i'd work to get equal time so that no child support would be awarded either way---then work hard to not speak ill of the mother whenever they're with you, and to do your best not to let them overhear any heated conversations.

It is very difficult to avoid workplace romances, but it appears that this one has blossomed into more than that for your gf; now, due to your sleuthing, you know the truth, and she's a proven liar, deceiver, and betrayer---hence her anger toward you; those who have their lies/betrayals exposed are rarely either humble or thankful to the one who confronts them with the Truth.

So lick your wounds, take a holiday(if possible), and thank God for the good times you did have; it's rarely beneficial to spend your time in regret, longing, and possible revenge fantasies.  People always reap what they sow, sooner or later.

From my observation, many romances in the workplace end badly, and i'd say that the chances are high that within 6 months to a year, she will deeply regret her decision---for real people with real flaws don't often reveal their true personalities until some time has passed.  i expect that she'll find that the grass WAS greener---only it was over the septic tank.

At that time, whenever that may be, she will recall you fondly and wish to re-establish contact, perhaps even re-start things---but not if you act badly now.  However, for this to have ANY chance of happening, you need to cut all contact with her as completely as possible---and if you DO have children together, keep the conversation to THEM, and immediately hang up or be curt with her if she makes the SLIGHTEST attempt to become more intimate, e.g. "So, how are you doing?"  Use excuses like "Look, gotta go---gotta date," then hang up.  Let her stew.  Let her regret her bad choices...IF you want her back, that is.  If you don't, i'm certain that there are many women who would appreciate a man as loyal as you appear to have been.  But assuming that right now, despite all she's done, you DO want her back, you will, paradoxically, have to repeatedly show how much you do NOT want her/need her/will do ANYthing to get her back.  If you weaken, she will despise you.

But personally, had i suffered a betrayal as deep as she has done to you?  I'd drop her like a 200lb backpack after a 30 mile hike...and not pick it back up again.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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5 years ago  ::  May 14, 2010 - 8:06AM #25
IreneAdler
Posts: 2,849

Adam- please take the time to seriously ponder upon Hatman’s words.  Much wisdom there.  Above all, try not to act out of emotion. Yeah, not easy. 


Have you a trusted friend that you can lean on to work through this? I’m talking someone who is calm under pressure- not flighty.  Need to ask this person to spend time with you, talking things through. This person should be someone who won’t let you act upon emotional whims and will keep you grounded.


 


Irene.

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