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Switch to Forum Live View Source of One's Self-Esteem?
6 years ago  ::  Feb 10, 2009 - 8:57PM #11
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

clearwaterush wrote:

Why do I feel so alienated and alone around people and in social situations to the point of un-comfortableness and find myself hiding behind my husband, looking around?


There could be any number of reasons, including simple shyness.
If you're uncomfortable and hiding, then it seems possible to me that you lack a sense of certainty within yourself, as to who you are, etc.(like a child of God, perhaps?).

Perhaps your husband has worked hard to make you dependent upon him, and not an equal partner, not a contributor of substance, or that he devalues or belittles what you do contribute.

If you lack wisdom, ask of God, who gives insight and understanding to all who ask of Him(James 1:5, iirc). 

Is there anything or any subject you have obtained a degree of confidence in and with?

Warmest regards-

Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 10, 2008 - 1:26PM #12
DAH54
Posts: 3,318
It seems to me that from a Christian stand point much of our self esteem comes from Christ. That when we attempt to make another responsible for how we "feel" we will always be hurt. That there is a difference between pride and self esteem. Men may feed our pride, God nourishes our self esteem. That too often we wish to make another responsible for our worth, our value, our sense of security. One can do many things that one sees as enhancing their partners worth and value, but ultimately only your partner can decide how they will choose to experience these acts. If you don't know that you are worthy of dying for nothing anyone else does can make you believe that. They can feed your ego, but not your soul.



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6 years ago  ::  Mar 22, 2009 - 2:43PM #13
shygirl39
Posts: 4

I had a husband put me down and use to follow me around and call me an cry baby. He was really mean to me. I believe what he said about me and boy I was ready to get out of this marriage. When we separated the second time it felt like a load was lift off my shoulders. I no longer believe what he said about me and I believe he had the problem. I have been involve with a lot of insecure guys and I am getting tried of them.

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6 years ago  ::  Mar 22, 2009 - 4:31PM #14
DAH54
Posts: 3,318

Hello shygirl39 and welcome to Beliefnet! I hope you find your time here rewarding, and enjoyable. I'm sorry you have experience such an unenjoyable time with the men you have known. I ope you find someone who feels lucky to know you.

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5 years ago  ::  Jul 27, 2009 - 12:11PM #15
bitsofcharity
Posts: 9

Self-Esteem is questioned more and more when we get married Shygirl39.  Especially when we get married before taking time to learn our potential mates. . . even after they proposed.  Because we are head- overhills in love.  Meaning we are not thinking but lending on our hearts to lead us without God's approval.  Personally, I do not believe he would ever agree to a liftetime committment to a man that does not really KNOW how to love us unconditonally.  Like DAH54 said, I KNOW there is someone for you that will love you like you love them. . . Yes, I am married.  Took me to age 40 to decide if God was sending me or myself into a relationship where I give it ALL I got and expect the same.  Thus far, 5years has been nothing but joy, happiness, peace and true meaning to (we agreed to disagree - which has uplifted my self-esteem!).     Sincerely, Bits of Charity


 

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5 years ago  ::  Jul 28, 2009 - 4:13PM #16
Tamara08
Posts: 5

I def. think it is a combination of both. Like myself for example... I'm in a what I would consider to be an emotionally UNhealthy relationship. My self esteem has shot way down because of things or acts my partner says or done. Makes me feel not good enough because I don't have a good job etc...


I think showing love to one another is an important part of self esteem as well. If he would show me the love and attention I needed my self esteem would def. boost back up to where it were.

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5 years ago  ::  Jul 29, 2009 - 8:52AM #17
bitsofcharity
Posts: 9

Well Tamara08, I believe self-esteem's core is our minds.  True the negativeness of another person;especially our husbands can cause us to doubt ourselves quicker than another person opinion.  However, men will never think like us.  So we must try not to listen to their craziness, sometimes. . .which is hard. I personally know.  Like I have accepted that God's unchanging words are the key to my self-esteem.  During this economic time, many are out of jobs.  Therefore, I encourage you to seek something you enjoy doing without your husband but with his love in mind, always.  Me, I love to study the Bible, read, crochet and cook.  Yes, I have been out of work, 24 years because of a nervous disorder I will have the rest of my life.  Stress does unforeseen things to our minds. . . Look upward, not down at your situations/circumstances Sister by Faith.  Sounds like your husband loves you but has a hard time finding the right words to ease the "temporary disappointment" you have to deal with.  Show him or tell him what you NEED from him.  My husband told me that and our relationship is growing stronger everyday!                Sincerely, Mary B.

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5 years ago  ::  Jan 12, 2010 - 9:22AM #18
Givemeserenity
Posts: 1

Hello everyone -


I love all the replies here. But lets take this a step further if I may with more questions...


How does one handle being in a relationship where one person tries desperately to live a peaceful, serene, law of attraction, postive thinking attitude (that is me) and the other one is a realist and lives in "reality" as he likes to call it, focusing on what money we "don't have" and the notion that "this is not how the world works" attitude?


How does the emotional/sensetive one deal with a husband who feels that is okay to say whatever is on his mind and me not take things so personal? Like the fact that I work for a direct selling company and would like to become professional at it and he thinks its just a "hobby". Arrgghhhh!


Don't get me wrong I love him dearly, but there are times I really don't like him. I am sad because we are so different and I feel like I cant talk to him about things because somehow, someway, it will always come back to money or lack there of?


I can't take it anymore. I am not out for a divorce but I need to release these feelings and stop absorbing them like a sponge. Trust me there is no arguing with a Gemini twin. Not sure if any of you believe in horoscope signs but believe me the Pisces and Gemini dont mix sometimes. All this makes it really hard to connect with him romantically too because there is alot resentment. I mean really? How can he even think that any of this a turn on? Sorry - just irritated Yell


So what I am asking is how do I as an emotional person deal with a hardcore realist and feel okay about myself? How can I learn to accept what is said and still WANT to be with him romantically? HELP ME PLEASE!!!


 

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5 years ago  ::  Jan 12, 2010 - 10:14AM #19
IreneAdler
Posts: 2,849

Hello Giveme-Welcome to B-net!


First, and you said it yourself- don’t take what he says personally.  Remember, it is one person’s opinion.  Do you care more for what you believe- or what he believes - about something? Why?


   Secondly, maybe some of his rants are  merely his way of relieving stress.  In which case, let them roll off your back.  Granted, it's tough to have to listen to such things time and time again.  Maybe that's where a lot of patience needs to be exercised.  You could give him a time limit for his rant - like 5 minutes- after which, you inform him to either take action regarding his complaints or drop the subject - for good.  Might point out to him that while you do feel for him, he'll never resolve any issues in life by merely whining about them (the old "light a candle or curse the darkness" sort of thing).  Ouch!


Lastly, his espousing of opinions is no good without an audience- namely you.  Deprive him of that, and, well, there’s no one hearing his comments.  And that’s never any fun. So, when he’s expressing ideas with which you are comfortable, convey interest. Give him audience. But the moment the statements become rants over what he doesn’t have, or his opinions belittle you, scram! Find an errand to go on, a task in another room, go shopping, meet a friend (platonic!), what ever it takes to deprive him of audience.


 Irene.

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5 years ago  ::  Jan 16, 2010 - 6:16PM #20
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Curiously, that astrological pairing is identical with that of my parents(now both deceased.)

Nope, Pisces and Gemini's rarely get along great; Pisces are those of the "secret dreams," and Gemini's of the personality shifts that drive one crazy.

My mom would usually just suffer in silence, but would also act out in passive-aggressive ways, or when she couldn't stand it anymore, throw stuff and yell.

So, what Irene said...and to amplify on what she offered as advice, you may enjoy the following tongue-in-cheek article, entitled "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage":

www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25lov...

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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