I am new and I hope this site can help me with the pain and maybe understand. I have been married to the same man for over 32yrs. and 12 weeks ago he says he wants to be single. How does a person live threw this pain and ever be happy again? We had a great marriage, never fought , did everything together, have two grown children. He says he loves me just not in love anymore, I don't understand at all. He told me that he had been tring to figure out his feelings for several months, during this time we still did things together and all. It has totally shocked everyone we know and my kids as well as me. So now we have the house and land for sale. He says he wants to get me out of debt with what is left after we pay it off. He wants to make sure I will be ok. He makes over twice as much as me and I have an aprt. now. When it sells he says he is going to buy a camper and live at a friends house, because he wants no relationships and no obligations. He just wants to work and ride his motorcycle when he wants without having to tell anyone where he is going or when he will be back.
I am just in so much pain, people tell me it gets better, I am better off without him if he is that selfish. I just want to stop crying and hurting so much.
Our two kids will not talk to him, they say thier dad is dead and that they don't know who this person is. I agree with them the man I married and loved all those yrs is dead and gone. But it hurts so much to see him or talk to him because it just brings up the lose I know have to live with because he chose it for me.
Thanks for letting me get some off me
Pam

granny42,

Welcome to the Divorce & Separation Forum, and sorry for what brought you here.  There are many caring members, like Hatman, who are pleased to listen to you and to share their thoughts and give feedback.  I hope you can stay awhile and interact, because it really helps to talk with someone about this - even when the "talk" is typing on the internet!

This does sound like the stereotypical midlife crisis, as Hatman pointed out, and I'm sure that doesn't lessen your pain one bit.  Of course it hurts terribly to have your life torn asunder and the man you expected to spend the rest of your life with riding off in the sunset on his motorcycle.  After 32 years there is so much that was build together, which makes the loss of it even more difficult to bear.

The loss of your marriage is much like the death of a loved one, and is best grieved as such.  Now is a time to get support - from family, from friends, and even in places like this one.  Allowing yourself to feel and grieve can also feel scary, and it may be hard to believe that it will ever end.  When and how that happens is of course different with each person.  In the meantime, all you can do is try to be with your feelings and allow them to be.

Blessings,
ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce & Separation

I'm sorry for the way your hubby has surprised you,,,but either he is a very good actor or your in denial...you never saw it coming??? Sometimes we get so lost in our work,our everyday stuff,we don't pay attention to the little things.But wake up...make sure you sit down with him..or your lawyer and he doesn't leave you with nothing.
Make sure you can make it on your own. Even if you don't have alimony, husbands can not leave you deselote(sp)
And hey your kids are grown...they will bounce back.But they need to get back in with there father...if they mature,they will come around. Sounds like he is trying to sow his oats before he's too old...and are you sure there isn't another woman? Other women can make a man feel more appreciative than what he's been use to for years. He gets that attention he still craves,and lets face it hard to compete with a younger woman...it's happened to me..but we sat down and talked it out and we are back together again...but you need to slowly move on and live your own life...and learn to enjoy...get out with friends,make new ones...life goes on...turn over that "new" leaf,get a new look, with hair face,nails and body...dress fabulously...and show him what he's missing! I think he will realize what a mistake he's make,like the tv show,and he will want you back...but don't be so quick to accept him...he's the one who can't  or is tired of his career.,,,maybe burned out...? Keep the faith babe...there are plenty of fish in the sea....

Hi Pam,

I guess you're going to get one mans view on your post.  First discount what anyone tells you, including me. No two people will react the same way to a given situation. That being said, let me first tell you to grieve. Yes grieve. It is the "death" of your marriage. I am still grieving three years later. Every birthday, anniversary, or holiday that involved my ex, I have to hold back my feeling just as though it just happened. I have joined support groups, chat lines, spoken to doctors, and even was so desparate that I sought help from the shrink. I'm sure shrinks have their place, but my experience is that it is a total waste of time and money. As much pscho babal as he tried to feed me, it was merely a way for him to suck money out of me. I say that smartly as I realized everything I am feeling and doing, is merely normal. The thing that came out of everything is that I found I loved my ex way more than I ever knew. I found out things about myself that I would not have otherwise. Someone is going to get a great catch in me now, because now I know everything I did "wrong" or incorrectly during 29 years of marriage!!! I also learned that the main reason for the demise of the marriage was not an issue, it was really nothing I did or should have done. It is the fact that my ex wanted to feel something other than wife and mother. She was seeking respect for her work. She was seeking acknowledgement from her peers. She first stuck her toe into the water to feel it out. Her "friends" advise to get things on paper started the worst years of my life.  "Friends" had her visit every lawyer in town to prevent me from seeking their advise. Then I was so afraid of losing her, and loving her way too much to think wisely, that I overlooked what was happening in front of my eyes. Her attorney twisted everything, and I mean everything, into a negative outlook. My years in law enforcement were put on trial. I never talked about my work because it was so gruesome. I worked in the projects in a major NE state. That was turned into a diagnosis of PTSD. Of course that was crazy. Then her attorney had her get my prescription records. I was injured on the job and subsequently required 10 surgeries. The ex was great at taking care of me. But the attorney managed to get on record years of narcotics use without stating why. Of course I was so much in love with her that I held hope that see would see clear of whatever the problem was. And that is how the next few years have gone. The lawyer twisting everything completely out of context. I finally obtained an attorney but the damages were already done. He did her no good and has taken her for what little monies she has.

This all began on the day before Halloween. I'll set the picture. On Friday night my ex and I made love. She expressed her undying love for me. We held each other and talked for a long time. Come Saturday the realtors were holding the parade of homes. We walked this new developement hand in hand and talked about little things we would change. On the way home my ex talked about wanting to move because our kids were getting older and would be leaving the nest shortly. I stated I didn't want to move. I wanted to wait until they were done college, and I was sure they had a place to live. I said I always wanted to have a home the kids could come home to. Although she seemed "ticked" I put little concern in her actions. After all, anyone who looks at new homes always gets the move bug. On Monday my 16 year old son and I were watching the football game on TV. My ex walked by us and said "I'm leaving". My response was "where are you going?" She said "I'm leaving". Again I ask where was she going. At that she said "I'm leaving you. I might be back in 30 days". I thought she was crazy and was going to WalMart. When she didn't come home I realized she wanted my attention. I called her several times, she called me, and eventually some ugly things were said both ways. After she was gone a few days I became very concerned because I knew she didn't have much money. Being a retired cop I thought of terrible things that might happen if she was staying in a bad area. Finally my son and daughter at no insistance of mine, sought out and found her living at a condo on the beach. She had covered her car with a car cover so no one would spot her car. I went down there to see for myself. I saw I had nothing to worry about and started to leave. I remembered that she was having troubles with the car she was driving. I decided to leave her my vehicle which was in much better shape with a note. She became ballistic and called the police stating I was stalking her. I ask how I could be stalking when I just now learned where she had gone. The police had her respond to court where the idiots issued an order to stay away from her. That's where I screwed up. I was so concerned over loosing her to what I didn't know! So I ignored the order and tried to talk to her at school, where she was employed, to try and find out what the problem was. She had already seen the lousey attorney who had her take a protection order out against me. Here I was looking like a terrible person, for trying to keep my marriage together, I didn't take legal council with me and was eaten alive by the attorney. I did however get my ex to admit that I had never put a finger on her. The judge said he heard enough and issued a one year protection order and took my shotgun that was my Granddads and had never been fired, and my handgun that I had owned for 25 years. I strongly disagreed with the judge and was eventually cited for contempt 4 times for telling him so. All I wanted was the opportunity to find out what was going on. Was she cheating on me? I just didn't know. I was offered a large amount of money from an accident I had been the victim in. I went to the dentist office where I knew she was, and ask her if the problem was money. If it was I offered to use the money to settle any bills. She told me to move my car so she could leave. I did so and that was the end of that. Later in court it was changed to I followed her to the dentist and blocked her in. Nothing was mentioned about the money and the unpaid bills. Funny though, when it came time for settling up things, her attorney is seeking 50% even though it was for my medical care and an additional surgery. That is yet to be decided by the judge. Leave it up to that attorney to change the true intents to make me feel better. I really need to cut this off, but let me fill you in on other things that happened. My son took her car when she came by to take some things. I knew nothing of his intent. He later stated that he thought it would force us to talk. Wrong...she called 911 and reported my son had stole her car and she wanted him arrested. Then she went out front and began screaming at my son, who was not there,calling him a SOB, and a MF'er. I was really surprised at her actions. She had never exhibited such ill manners or the filthy mouth. When the police arrived I told him the car was also in my name and I told him he could drive it. My son hid and was afraid to come home. I had never seen him as heartbroken when he returned knowing his mom tried to have him arrested. Shortly after my oldest daughter called her Mom and stated she had never seen me so upset, and that I had locked myself in the bedroom with a gun. Then she hung up, but called right back to tell her Mom that she was lying. At that point 911 had not been called. My ex then proceeded to call my Mom and my sister and repeat my daughters story knowing it to be false. The SWAT team showed up with automatic weapons. I knew what was happening and had them all sit on the front steps in broad daylight. My daughter explained the situation to the police and they were convinced enough to leave. She has withheld paperwork for auto registrations and other important bills. I have paid every bill associated with maintaining my residence. All told to date of about $80,000.00.  Now for some reason my ex and her attorney think she is entitled to 50% of the home. They claim she had to pay for a place to live, and I should have to also..... second page follows.

Julie482

I would appreciate very much a couple of questions to you.  my email is :  gerismithtwin@yahoo.com.  Thanks you so much