Post Reply
Page 4 of 5  •  Prev 1 2 3 4 5 Next
Switch to Forum Live View Emotional Infidelity...A Love Affair or Just Friends
6 years ago  ::  Jan 08, 2009 - 6:46PM #31
dlady10101
Posts: 4
What is IMHO?
I believe you are correct. It's just that I'm used to doing whatever and have been surprised at his reactions. It feels a bit confining, if i know my male friends are just friends, and I look at them as equal to my female friends, I don't notice that anything in disrespectful or innappropriate. He does and we've had some arguments about it since I feel the way i feel. I understand your/his point of view, but I'm having trouble giving up my lifestyle. I have changed the types of conversations I'm having with my male friends and the time spent but don't like the idea that I can't just go meet one of them for dinner if my BF is unavailable. Seems archaic.
Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Jan 08, 2009 - 6:54PM #32
Anesis
Posts: 1,543
That is a clash of values. You value your freedom to do what you please, when you please, and with whomever you please. It sounds like your partner's values are more like mine where I say that giving up certain rights as a single person are an expected "cost" of being in a secure and long-term relationship. You and your partner might have to discuss how important this value is to each of you.

Imho is "in my honest (or humble) opinion."
Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Jan 09, 2009 - 9:59AM #33
Cesmom
Posts: 5,105
[QUOTE=Anesis;1006147]That is a clash of values. You value your freedom to do what you please, when you please, and with whomever you please. It sounds like your partner's values are more like mine where I say that giving up certain rights as a single person are an expected "cost" of being in a secure and long-term relationship. You and your partner might have to discuss how important this value is to each of you.

Imho is "in my honest (or humble) opinion."[/QUOTE]

Anesis describes the problem very well in saying that it's a clash of values.  When you have two people who have totally different ideas of what is or is not appropriate, it's pretty hard to get on the same page. 

It's been an ongoing battle for me in my relationship with my husband, and my suggestion would be to hash it out sooner than later.  Once you've given in and felt like you're allowing yourself to be controlled, you will start to build resentment.  If you decide later that you want to take some of that control back, he will start to build resentment.  It's best to find some way to compromise or find some common ground upfront than to have it continue to be brought up as a sore subject indefinitely.  In my case, it's been very hard to find a level of compromise because my husband always seems to find reasons to "not like" any friend I may have of the opposite sex, and therefore, makes it clear that he's not interested in being a part of the friendship, but also is not comfortable with me having the friendship. 

If you both love and respect each other, there really should be some way to meet in the middle...by him learning to accept your friendships and you agreeing to place certain limits on them so he doesn't have to feel less important or disrespected and you don't have to feel controlled or disrespected.  I don't think it's a matter of either of you giving in completely on the subject...just finding a compromise that you can both live with.
Our need to learn should always outweigh our need to be right

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.
Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Jan 09, 2009 - 10:35PM #34
legs48
Posts: 30
It's really HIS problem. He is insecure and it probably has nothing at all to do with you. True friendships with either sex are difficult enough to find and even more difficult to maintain. It isn't fair to ask someone you love to cut off all contact with their former friends just because the two of you have found one another.  The truth is, if you wanted to cheat on him, you could, in a million different ways with different people and there's a good chance he'd never know. But that's not who you are or what you want. If he wants to give in to jealousy and suspicion when there is no reason for it, he will let it consume him. He'll be suspicious every time you leave the house without him. That's no way to live. Maybe you should try talking it out and reassuring him that his suspicions are unfounded. Oddly enough, it seems that people are most vulnerable to affairs of the mind when they feel trapped. Maybe you should point that out to him too.
Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Nov 07, 2008 - 9:58AM #35
DAH54
Posts: 3,318
My belief system causes me to believe that everyone is beautiful, for some it just takes a lot more work on my part to see it and acknowledge it. I believe that everyone needs to hear that they are cared about and valued by another. That we are to treat others as we want to be treated ourselves.

I have been told that because I tell another woman she is beautiful, I am leading her on and being disrespectful. That basically to be involved with a relationship with one person I no longer have a right to acknowledge that any other woman is beautiful! Indeed to even have this opinion is in someway wrong. Did I go out of my way to make others smile, yes! Did I try to give them a reason to feel good about themselves yes! My understanding of friendship suggest this is how one interacts with their friends.



.

For Technical support visit


> Dah's User to User Self Support <

Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Nov 29, 2008 - 5:33PM #36
DAH54
Posts: 3,318
One opinion suggest that marital conflict stems out of unmet needs, wants, and desires. When one person needs or wants something badly enough, and the other person is unable to meet that need, resentment grows.

Marital conflicts happen when one person is self- centered. One selfishly wants what one wants without consideration for the capabilities, plans, or goals of their spouse, and demands that their spouse meets their needs.

When a self-centered person’s wants or desires are not meet, they become demands. When those demands are not met they begin to judge. Their spouse is no good, their spouse is judging them. Then they punish; by accusation, by counting faults, or by open expressions of anger and rage. But they punish, nevertheless.



.

For Technical support visit


> Dah's User to User Self Support <

Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Dec 01, 2008 - 12:00PM #37
DAH54
Posts: 3,318
Just my two cents here. But it is hard to deal with a problem if one is unwilling to define just what the real problem is. Just what defines an "Emotional Infidelity"? Is it simply because my partner "feels" like I have an "Emotional connection" to someone?

One partner can invalidate the other, by saying the quality of the conversation is poor, or deny that their partner has talked to them at all, when indeed their partner has. This "selfishness" and yes I believe it is selfishness, can play a major role in the destruction of a relationship.

I have seen relationships end because one member decided it was wrong for the other to "flirt". Flirting has been defined as : to behave lovingly without serious intent or to show superficial or casual interest or liking. Relationships are about power, and how one shares power within the relationship. When one member of a relationship is so selfish as to suggest that the other may not publicly display casual interest or liking, there is a problem with the relationship, and the sense of self in my opinion.

In the case of this thread, emotional infidelity; is the accuser addressing this issue from the role of an adult or a child? Is there not a kind of hypocrisy to suggest that it is somehow wrong to acknowledge that one's partner is acting in a "selfish" way, but it is okay to label one's partner as a "child" ? Clearly for an adult it makes little sense to label an adult as a child. It does not help to define the real problem, and is a diversion. Labeling the actions as selfish helps to define the real issue, and puts it on the table. It may very well not be pleasant to hear that one has acted in selfish ways, but being an "Adult" means one will be exposed to unpleasant facts.

There are many forms of infidelity, some are very real, and some are imagined. Do we really wish to equate a hug in a store, or showing someone a casual interest with infidelity?



.

For Technical support visit


> Dah's User to User Self Support <

Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Dec 15, 2008 - 9:16PM #38
DAH54
Posts: 3,318
There are always choices! My society does not support slavery, does not acknowledge a man's right to "own" his wife. Shrug honesty is such a key to freedom. Dishonesty enables such behavior. When we choose to lie to ourself and pretend there are no choices, we enable others to treat us in this manner.



.

For Technical support visit


> Dah's User to User Self Support <

Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Mar 26, 2010 - 1:40AM #39
Richard
Posts: 5

I believe that a married person can have casual friendship with a person of the opposite sex; on the other hand, there are reasons why it is both unwise and dangerous to spend one – on – one time with that person after you are married.


The most important human relationship one has is with one’s spouse and in the early years of a marriage it is especially critical that you invest as much time and attention as possible in cultivating that important relationship. One accomplishes this by spending time with, listening to and talking with your partner; he or she is the one who needs to become your best friend.


Above all, it is important for a couple to develop a trust and a shared history with each other; where they once depended on their friends for comfort and advise, they must now build that safe place with each other. I know of several instances where a spouse’s reliance on an opposite sex friend hindered, significantly handicapped, and in two cases almost destroyed a marriage .Likewise, we live in a world of poor judgment and  a rationalized relationship  can and does lead to compromised values that result in broken vows, promises and emotional and physical affairs. Unfortunately affairs usually begin as innocent friendships… “We are just friends.”


My wife and I both have casual friendships with members of the opposite sex; however, we do not spend extended time with them or talking to them. We do not share intimate details of our personal life, our married life or our sexual relationship. Similarly, we do not vent our frustrations over our relationship .Equally important we do not speak negatively about each other or tolerate the opposite sex friend doing so. We never meet that person for coffee, lunch or dinner without each other being present; nor do we accept after work invitations to happy hour. Do you trust each other you ask? ABSOLUTLEY! By the same token, what we do not trust is our fallen human nature. We promised each other to avoid even the appearance of evil, thus we will be more effective in avoiding evil denying it the opportunity to compromise our love and commitment to each other and our marriage.


 In short, all friendships are valuable, but cultivating friends and maintaining friendships require time, effort, and commitment. The most important friendship married men and women have is the friendship with and commitment to each other, and that precious relationship needs to be where the most time, effort and commitment is invested!


Moreover, we both do not desire to share each other with an opposite sex person physically, or especially emotionally. We feel that a deep personal friendship or relationship with a member of the opposite sex where one of us gives their heart or part of their heat to that other person would devastate our partner as well as our marriage. We strongly believe in the oneness of our marriage and constantly remember our vow to forsake all others, while still maintaining our individuality. I guess we are one of the lucky couples who found our one true love and soul mate….thank god!


Why would a married person want an opposite sex friend?

Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Mar 26, 2010 - 10:08AM #40
appy20
Posts: 10,165

Mar 26, 2010 -- 1:40AM, Richard wrote:


I believe that a married person can have casual friendship with a person of the opposite sex; on the other hand, there are reasons why it is both unwise and dangerous to spend one – on – one time with that person after you are married.


The most important human relationship one has is with one’s spouse and in the early years of a marriage it is especially critical that you invest as much time and attention as possible in cultivating that important relationship. One accomplishes this by spending time with, listening to and talking with your partner; he or she is the one who needs to become your best friend.


Above all, it is important for a couple to develop a trust and a shared history with each other; where they once depended on their friends for comfort and advise, they must now build that safe place with each other. I know of several instances where a spouse’s reliance on an opposite sex friend hindered, significantly handicapped, and in two cases almost destroyed a marriage .Likewise, we live in a world of poor judgment and  a rationalized relationship  can and does lead to compromised values that result in broken vows, promises and emotional and physical affairs. Unfortunately affairs usually begin as innocent friendships… “We are just friends.”


My wife and I both have casual friendships with members of the opposite sex; however, we do not spend extended time with them or talking to them. We do not share intimate details of our personal life, our married life or our sexual relationship. Similarly, we do not vent our frustrations over our relationship .Equally important we do not speak negatively about each other or tolerate the opposite sex friend doing so. We never meet that person for coffee, lunch or dinner without each other being present; nor do we accept after work invitations to happy hour. Do you trust each other you ask? ABSOLUTLEY! By the same token, what we do not trust is our fallen human nature. We promised each other to avoid even the appearance of evil, thus we will be more effective in avoiding evil denying it the opportunity to compromise our love and commitment to each other and our marriage.


 In short, all friendships are valuable, but cultivating friends and maintaining friendships require time, effort, and commitment. The most important friendship married men and women have is the friendship with and commitment to each other, and that precious relationship needs to be where the most time, effort and commitment is invested!


Moreover, we both do not desire to share each other with an opposite sex person physically, or especially emotionally. We feel that a deep personal friendship or relationship with a member of the opposite sex where one of us gives their heart or part of their heat to that other person would devastate our partner as well as our marriage. We strongly believe in the oneness of our marriage and constantly remember our vow to forsake all others, while still maintaining our individuality. I guess we are one of the lucky couples who found our one true love and soul mate….thank god!


Why would a married person want an opposite sex friend?




IMO, what you are describing, is good judgment, great boundaries and excellent maturity.

Quick Reply
Cancel
Page 4 of 5  •  Prev 1 2 3 4 5 Next
 
    Viewing this thread :: 0 registered and 1 guest
    No registered users viewing
    Advertisement

    Beliefnet On Facebook