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10 years ago  ::  Oct 17, 2008 - 7:48PM #1
LuthienJM
Posts: 13
Hi Everyone:

I have been married for almost six months.  My husband is a wonderful man whom I love and cherish.  We are both in our twenties.  There is one issue we have been having that I would appreciate some help with:  My libido is far higher than his.  I would like to be intimate with him every few days or at least once a week.  Instead, we go for a month or so between engaging in  intimate activity.  While I have asked, to know what I could do to make myself more desirable to him, he claims that he just isn't as interested in it.  He is under stress and a bit depressed because he is without a job at the moment, so, that may be a part of it. 

When I tried to go to some of my married friends for help with this, they acted like I was lucky!  According to them, their husbands want to be intimate far more often than they wish to.  The written info I have found on the subject deals with how to rev yourself up for your hubby, but, not what to do when the tables are turned. 

I am trying very hard to respect and meet his needs and wants in this and all other areas.  I don't even make advances as much as I would like to for fear of upsetting him or appearing pushy.  However, it is very hard to not feel unwanted, or, like I am abnormal.  Has anyone ever dealt with this?  How did you and your partner get through this? 

Luthien
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 17, 2008 - 11:09PM #2
zmija
Posts: 11
hello LuthienJM,

You haven't said anything about your husband being intimate before he lost his job.
From what you wrote I think he is going through anxiety and or depression because he needs to find a job. I think most men would react the same way in this situation.
Encourage him and support him and once he finds himself stable and employed things should go back to normal.
Also, you need to communicate. Have you talked to him about how  it makes you feel?
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 18, 2008 - 12:48AM #3
Sailorlal79
Posts: 1,365
I wouldn't worry about this too much- marriage is the long hall. Somtimes I want it more, sometimes he does. If you want it more- masturbate!
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 18, 2008 - 12:27PM #4
Jn_jean
Posts: 65
This maybe a natural cause. Man's nature is to provide for his family, so your husband may want sex, but not as much as he wants to get a job to support the family. That is his priority at the moment. Maybe you can find a way to show or make him feel that he is already doing his duty as a family man. When that need/desire to provide for the family is satisfied, he can then concentrate on your need.
We're all interconnected spiritually like cogwheels of nature. If we only serve ourselves instead of interconnecting in mutual understanding with others, nature will stop functioning properly. Kabbalah teaches us how to reach this interconnectedness.
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 20, 2008 - 9:31AM #5
Cesmom
Posts: 5,740
Maybe just me, but I know personally that the stress level in my life has a huge affect on my sex drive.  I'm sure that's what's happening here.  I hope you will try to talk to him about it.  Once things are on more solid ground with his employment, I'm sure the stress will die down and the sex drive will pick back up.
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 20, 2008 - 11:59AM #6
Lonesentinel
Posts: 2,423
As a man married to a woman with a higher sex drive than I, I might be able to give some insight.

My wife, like you, Luthien, at times, complains about our love life.

I go through 'cycles' it seems, as Sailor suggested, but there are many factors that effect my libido, and none of them is due to how much I find my wife physically attractive.  If we argue, my libido goes down.  When I have a problem I am trying to deal with, my libido goes down.  You name a problem and it just may affect my libido (chuckle).  If you add to his stress, it doesn't help your cause.
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 20, 2008 - 6:27PM #7
LuthienJM
Posts: 13
Hi Everybody:

Thanks so much for the insight.  It's helped to get the opinion of others.  We have discussed this in the past, but, no improvements have occurred.  I guess I just need to be patient.
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 21, 2008 - 8:16PM #8
Hatman
Posts: 9,954
Luthien-
Sometimes, pleasing yourself where he can hear can motivate him, too.  For example, if he's unable to physically perform, you could tell him that you're ok with toys---if you are.

Tell him that you PREFER that it would be he that would bring you pleasure, but that you NEED to have your itch scratched one way or another.  Perhaps there's some fantasy of his that he'd like to do with you, but is too ashamed to talk about; try to draw him out on the issue if the timing's right.

You know him best, of course, and if you think he'd be further embarrassed or shamed by talk of "toys" and "games," then do what you need to do privately, keeping it to yourself, if you're ok with that; some seem to think that NOTHING in marriage should ever be kept private or secret, but I'm not among that crowd; if what I know or want would be embarrassing or shaming to my partner, I'm going to keep it secret, like the Proverb that says "He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets, but one who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing hidden."  11:13.

And 2 or 3x a week---or even ONCE a week---is TOTALLY normal, although libido varies considerably with circumstances, experiences, and genetics, or course.  Once a month is a little on the neglectful side, to my way of thinkin'---besides, you're coming up on your thirties, when(generally speaking) your sexual desire will be at it's peak.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 18, 2008 - 9:30AM #9
DAH54
Posts: 3,318

LuthienJM wrote:

When I tried to go to some of my married friends for help with this, they acted like I was lucky! According to them, their husbands want to be intimate far more often than they wish to. The written info I have found on the subject deals with how to rev yourself up for your hubby, but, not what to do when the tables are turned.


I believe the average is about 3 times per week, but this really is a meaningless concept, here. The range is about once per month to a once a day. For where both have very high sex drives, it maybe as often as a few times a day. There are couples who have sex way less than once per month sometimes as seldom as once per year, but they are the exceptions. Generally the pattern you establish at the beginning is the pattern most keep throughout the marriage.

LuthienJM wrote:

I am trying very hard to respect and meet his needs and wants in this and all other areas. I don't even make advances as much as I would like to for fear of upsetting him or appearing pushy. However, it is very hard to not feel unwanted, or, like I am abnormal. Has anyone ever dealt with this? How did you and your partner get through this?


Luthien this is not a good sign. What I hear here is you are just six months into your marriage and already you are learning that some areas are unsafe to talk about. This does not bode well for your marriage. Also, and perhaps far more important is you are internalizing this, wondering if you are "normal" or okay, or attractive enough. If you make frame this as something is wrong, you're abnormal, he is abnormal, your not attractive enough, it will eat at your soul. If your husband doesn't care to eat steak as often as you, that doesn't mean one of you is "wrong" it's just a difference in preferences. When it is a big difference it can make life hard. You need to know it is safe to talk about this with your husband.

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