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10 years ago  ::  Oct 09, 2008 - 7:59AM #1
ladyinmn
Posts: 1
i have been with a man for 1 year and just recently caught him at another womens house just a block away, I AM CRYING OVER THIS and cant let go. Keep thinking what did i not do for him to make him cheat. i provided everything or so i thought. Why do men cheat and think its ok that they can get away with it. im so hurt, mad ,angry. this is the 2nd man that has cheated on me, what am i not doing, i treat them with respect, honest love, caring. He wont tell me why, wont even talk to me at all. I brought his clothes over to  his new home and threw them all over her yard i was so hurt. What am i doing wrong, is it  the type of men????
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 09, 2008 - 10:49AM #2
rickyvilleza
Posts: 81
Ladyinmm
I'm very sad that you're in such a terrible situation. 
I will give you a guy's perspective, 'cause thats what I am.  I hate to say it, but many
of the single men I know and a few of the married men I know cheat to some degree.  Certainly, I'm not saying most men cheat, but a very high percentage do by my observation.
What I am saying is that based on what you are telling me, you didn't necessarily do anything wrong at all.  That's probably not much comfort to you right now.  If you are honest with yourself, stop torturing yourself trying to figure out what you did/didn't do.
Don't think men are rotten, because there are a lot of decent guys out there.
Just too many that aren't.  The problem is, in my opinion, a guy that cheats is going to do it again.  Maybe a few exceptions to that, but very few.
I have never cheated on my Lady, but since we are separated by distance more than half the time, I'm always worried that she'll find another guy.
More paranoia than anything, I have no reason to suspect otherwise, but I'm just saying, I imagine how you must feel.

You did the right thing in dumping the guy.  A guy that cheats is a bum.
Find a decent guy.  They're out there.
I pray that you do!
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 09, 2008 - 10:55AM #3
IreneAdler
Posts: 2,849
Am so sorry for your hurt. 


Something to ponder: maybe you gave too much, including your heart, before making sure the man you are involved with is worthy of your heart, love, time and energy.  I don’t think anyone can say for sure what the situation really is, as we are not privy to his mind or all the events leading up to the cheating. 

But, if he is one to cheat, instead of working with you on any relationship issues, then perhaps he is not worth your love and affection?  Suggest being more guarded with your heart with the next man you meet.  I know, not easy to do; but surely a man of good character will want to prove this to you (i.e. earn your love and affection).

Again, am sorry you are hurting right now.

Irene.
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 09, 2008 - 6:33PM #4
Hatman
Posts: 9,954
LadyInMn-
As ricky said, it's not your fault what he chose to do.  However, you can guard your heart better in future by NOT being quite so willing to do everything for the man, but by making him EARN it.

IOW, if you suspect that you're carrying too much of the relationship load, talk with him and say what it is you'd like him to do(or not do, as the case may be).

And although some posters give me grief for recommending it, I think you could learn a good deal---for free---by visiting www.catchhimandkeephim.com.  Fair warnin', he's sellin' a book, BUT!  He'll let you dl and read it free for a week, so if dough's a problem, take good notes and cancel before your week expires.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 09, 2008 - 6:33PM #5
Hatman
Posts: 9,954
LadyInMn-
As ricky said, it's not your fault what he chose to do.  However, you can guard your heart better in future by NOT being quite so willing to do everything for the man, but by making him EARN it.

IOW, if you suspect that you're carrying too much of the relationship load, talk with him and say what it is you'd like him to do(or not do, as the case may be).

And although some posters give me grief for recommending it, I think you could learn a good deal---for free---by visiting www.catchhimandkeephim.com.  Fair warnin', he's sellin' a book, BUT!  He'll let you dl and read it free for a week, so if dough's a problem, take good notes and cancel before your week expires.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 10, 2008 - 8:29AM #6
IreneAdler
Posts: 2,849
Hatman- know what?  I receive an e-mail  newsletter from the Catchhimandkeephim web site. (Never bought the book).  The e-mails are informative too.  Worth reading-even though they are aimed to get ya to purchase the book.  It's a good suggestion.

IRene.
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 13, 2008 - 5:36PM #7
SallySeven
Posts: 44
I think people cheat because they are human. If my long-time boyfriend were to slip up and cheat on me once while out of town or something, I'd honestly rather never find out about it. People make mistakes, but if they are still committed to maintaining a monogamous relationship, the relationship agreed upon by both parties, then mistakes are forgivable.

However, if a guy cheats often, or develops a new relationship with a mistress, then there's something majorly wrong. Either he doesn't have the emotional chops to be in a committed relationship, or something within the relationship went awry. The latter can be fixed, the former probably cannot. At least not by anyone but the cheater himself.
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 14, 2008 - 10:56AM #8
KatherineOrthodixie
Posts: 3,689
You probably have not "done" anything wrong - some people, men and women both, are simply not trustworthy. Unfortunately we often find this out too late, after our heart is already involved deeply. However if, upon reflection, this seems to be a recurring theme in your relationships, you may wish to think about why you choose the men that you do, perhaps with the aid of a counselor. Also it's good advice not to rush into relationships - take your time and get to know someone, their family, friends and environment before committing your heart and life into their keeping. If they aren't trustworthy, they may be able to keep up a "front" for a few months, but sooner or later, they'll reveal their true nature. Pay attention and don't let yourself be blinded by "love."
“The Law of the Church is to give oneself to what is given not to seek one’s own.” Fr. Alexander Schmemann
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