QTbabe or anybody else that can help. I am new on here and the 1st time i am posting.

QTbabe i read the below response of yours on one of the postings and i am in exactly your situation at the moment and would really like some help to know how you manage to continue your relationship. I am 34 and have been married for 10yrs and just recently realised that i do not find my husband attractive. when i got married i was unsure but didn't know why,  i got married to my husband becuse of the typeof person my husband is, he is such a lovely person. I was happy and I have had such a happy marriage until now but just recently i have started to think that i don't find my husband attractive and now when i think about it i don't think i have ever found him attractive (i definitely think now that this is why i was unsure when i got married) but this has never come across my mind before. However, nowadays this is the only thing on my mind and i have even contemplated leaving my husband but he is such a lovely person, my companion, my best friend and we get on so well together that i don't want to leave him and can just not make my self do it. I am hoping by some miracle that these thoughts will go and i will start having the happy marriage that i had once again.  Ido not have much of a sexual or physical relationship. I have spoken to a counsillor aswell.



"I'm very sad to read your post because I am in your wife's position in some ways but not exactly the same. I don't act on how I felt toward him with my feeling. I never find my husband attractive ever before or after marriage. In fact I didn't know what attraction was until I turned to 32. I never told my husband that he's not attractive. I think he's a nice looking man with a warm heart, great father and provider. He's totally a family man and a keeper that something a woman would say. However, if I pass by him in the market, I would not turn my head around and check him out. So, in my situation, the attraction is never there so I didn't change but realized about it much later than I supposed to......This physical attraction had bugged me a lot and people on the marriage board probably knew and remember me wrote about this as well. It bugged me because I turned my head 180 degree when I see a handsome one which I hate to do...I felt guilty! Besides all that, we pretty much have a normal loving marriage. We give passionate to each other and have sex daily. I just wish I have some sparkle when I look into his eyes but I only can look at him or love him like I love my brother.

Sorry, I only can tell you how I feel about my situation, but not much help! Personally, I think if there was attraction in the beginning of your marriage, you always can re-candle that sparkling back to your life. If something was there, and it is not now because of some friction during marriage life, you always can bring it back. This doesn't work for me because mine was never there because I was young and naive and did not know what I want. Even that, I'm responsible for my decision and make the best of it. I wish you the best of luck!"

niksy wrote:

QTbabe or anybody else that can help. I am new on here and the 1st time i am posting.

QTbabe i read the below response of yours on one of the postings and i am in exactly your situation at the moment and would really like some help to know how you manage to continue your relationship.

QT let me know that she's taken a break from posting for awhile; she felt like she was on the verge of disclosing too much personal information, and/or some other posters around here are not real compassionate.  If you look to the right of her username in one of the threads you found, you'll see a grey dot(green if she's online at b-net).  Click on it, and you'll see a dropdown menu; one of the choices is to "find all posts by" her.  Choose that one, and you will find what you seek.

[QUOTE] I am 34 and have been married for 10yrs and just recently realized that i do not find my husband attractive. when i got married i was unsure but didn't know why,  i got married to my husband becuse of the typeof person my husband is, he is such a lovely person. I was happy and I have had such a happy marriage until now but just recently i have started to think that i don't find my husband attractive and now when i think about it i don't think i have ever found him attractive (i definitely think now that this is why i was unsure when i got married) but this has never come across my mind before.[/QUOTE]

If you've never felt this way before, or it never crossed your mind before, I'd say there's a good chance that some recent issue has come up to spur you rethinking your life's choices---a death of a good friend or family member, a change of job, a serious insult your husband has given you, maybe on-purpose, maybe accidentally.

[QUOTE]However, nowadays this is the only thing on my mind and i have even contemplated leaving my husband but he is such a lovely person, my companion, my best friend and we get on so well together that i don't want to leave him and can just not make my self do it.[/QUOTE]

It almost sounds as though you're self-sabotaging, e.g. creating your own self-fulfilling prophecy.  What was your parent's marriage like?  Was there a breakup of a marriage you admired right around the 10-year mark?

[QUOTE] I am hoping by some miracle that these thoughts will go and i will start having the happy marriage that i had once again.   Ido not have much of a sexual or physical relationship. I have spoken to a counselor as well.[/QUOTE]

Your thoughts are your thoughts, and your feelings are your feelings.  Work through them.  Ask yourself the "why's" until you get your answers.  Also, you may wish to reflect on just how FEW good men there really are out IRL, and count your blessings instead of faultfinding; ever hear the expression "You don't know what you got 'til it's gone"?  I've seen many a woman have thoughts and feelings similar to yours, act on them, then after a year or so passes, deeply regret her choice and attempt to return to her husband---only to be rejected, as the ex-husband moved on after having his heart broken, finding someone else to fill her shoes.

(from QT babe)"I'm very sad to read your post because I am in your wife's position in some ways but not exactly the same. I don't act on how I felt toward him with my feeling. I never find my husband attractive ever before or after marriage. In fact I didn't know what attraction was until I turned to 32. I never told my husband that he's not attractive. I think he's a nice looking man with a warm heart, great father and provider. He's totally a family man and a keeper that something a woman would say. However, if I pass by him in the market, I would not turn my head around and check him out. So, in my situation, the attraction is never there so I didn't change but realized about it much later than I supposed to......This physical attraction had bugged me a lot and people on the marriage board probably knew and remember me wrote about this as well. It bugged me because I turned my head 180 degree when I see a handsome one which I hate to do...I felt guilty! Besides all that, we pretty much have a normal loving marriage. We give passionate to each other and have sex daily. I just wish I have some sparkle when I look into his eyes but I only can look at him or love him like I love my brother.

Sorry, I only can tell you how I feel about my situation, but not much help! Personally, I think if there was attraction in the beginning of your marriage, you always can re-candle that sparkling back to your life. If something was there, and it is not now because of some friction during marriage life, you always can bring it back. This doesn't work for me because mine was never there because I was young and naive and did not know what I want. Even that, I'm responsible for my decision and make the best of it. I wish you the best of luck!"

Basically, she took stock of her situation, and changed the way she thought about it.

One thing I've noticed about our thought-lives is that what we dwell upon tends to grow.  If you have thoughts of dissatisfaction and unhappiness about your husband, and allow yourself to often imagine even more flaws about him, those will magnify themselves until that's just about all you can see...the flaws and imperfections.

However, you can choose to see his positive qualities and attributes, and center your harmonious, loving thoughts on that, instead, if you wish. 

Also, you can sit down with a couple of pieces of paper, and on one, write down everything you hate about him.  Sleep on it, and in the morning, add any more that occur to you overnight.  Later that day, after you've had some time to reflect, begin to list all of his positive qualities and attributes.  Do the same thing that night, i.e. sleep on it, then when you awaken, write down any more things about him that you like and love.

Then, and only then, compare the two lists.

Also, is the lack of intimacy YOUR choice, or his?  Is there something lacking in his lovemaking skills(or yours)?  Are there any affectionate hugs, touches, hand-holding, etc.?

But I would LOVE to hear you define the word "attractive" or "attracted" for us; I've found that what women find attractive often varies from day to day, if not hour to hour, depending on their mood.

Warmest regards-

Hatman

I've never been married, and so I cannot speak to the complication that marriage brings to a relationship. But I have been in my share of long term serious relationships. When I was in college, I dated a guy to whom I was emotionally attracted. That is to say, I never found him physically attractive, but his humor and personality drew me to him, and I felt as though I would be shallow if I rejected him on the basis of physical attractiveness alone. We dated for four years, but by the end of it I realized that I couldn't stay with him. Yes, I was young, but I also found myself longing for a relationship with a man to which I was physically attracted.

Since that time, I have had several dating relationships (both long and short) with men I found physically attractive, and I do not feel shy about saying that I now consider physical attractiveness essential in a man I date. Now, mind you, that is not the only prerequisite; I also look for intelligence, good companionship, emotional maturity and a host of other qualities. I have found that a good personality match is absolutely essential for maintaining attraction, physical and otherwise. Personality match is above all the most important element of forging a long term relationship, and my experiences have taught me that above all.

I am currently in a long term relationship with a man who is an excellent personality match for me (even better than the college sweetheart), and whom I find physically attractive. It is amazing to me how much more I enjoy our relationship than relationships in the past (where either one of these two elements was missing).

I suppose what I'm saying is, that relationships are complicated... and certainly marriage (and kids, if there are kids!) complicates matters even further. But don't discount physical attraction as a petty concern, or something you don't deserve, especially if you were never physically attracted to your current mate in the first place.

[QUOTE=CESMom;807301]maybe he wasn't that attractive to begin with, but surely you would never marry someone for that reason anyway, right?  Not sure what to say to that one.  Doesn't seem like a deal-breaker to me.  Are you sure there is nothing else going on that would be contributing to marital doubts?  Someone else you are attracted to, maybe?
Sounds to me like you married for the right reasons and have all the reasons in the world to stay that way.[/QUOTE]

CESmom, thank you for your response. I would not marry somebody because of that reason alone as it is the person that is most important to me but i now feel that the attraction needs to be there aswell and there is nobody else. I so want to stay with him but i just can't seem to help the way i think.

[QUOTE=SallySeven;809670]But don't discount physical attraction as a petty concern, or something you don't deserve, especially if you were never physically attracted to your current mate in the first place.[/QUOTE]

I understand what you are saying but when you are my age and wanting children and also my religion, it is not easy to go out and find somebody else, especially when your husband is the type of person you want to be with!!!