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Switch to Forum Live View I don't find my husband attractive
6 years ago  ::  Oct 06, 2008 - 1:08PM #1
niksy
Posts: 5
QTbabe or anybody else that can help. I am new on here and the 1st time i am posting.

QTbabe i read the below response of yours on one of the postings and i am in exactly your situation at the moment and would really like some help to know how you manage to continue your relationship. I am 34 and have been married for 10yrs and just recently realised that i do not find my husband attractive. when i got married i was unsure but didn't know why,  i got married to my husband becuse of the typeof person my husband is, he is such a lovely person. I was happy and I have had such a happy marriage until now but just recently i have started to think that i don't find my husband attractive and now when i think about it i don't think i have ever found him attractive (i definitely think now that this is why i was unsure when i got married) but this has never come across my mind before. However, nowadays this is the only thing on my mind and i have even contemplated leaving my husband but he is such a lovely person, my companion, my best friend and we get on so well together that i don't want to leave him and can just not make my self do it. I am hoping by some miracle that these thoughts will go and i will start having the happy marriage that i had once again.  Ido not have much of a sexual or physical relationship. I have spoken to a counsillor aswell.



"I'm very sad to read your post because I am in your wife's position in some ways but not exactly the same. I don't act on how I felt toward him with my feeling. I never find my husband attractive ever before or after marriage. In fact I didn't know what attraction was until I turned to 32. I never told my husband that he's not attractive. I think he's a nice looking man with a warm heart, great father and provider. He's totally a family man and a keeper that something a woman would say. However, if I pass by him in the market, I would not turn my head around and check him out. So, in my situation, the attraction is never there so I didn't change but realized about it much later than I supposed to......This physical attraction had bugged me a lot and people on the marriage board probably knew and remember me wrote about this as well. It bugged me because I turned my head 180 degree when I see a handsome one which I hate to do...I felt guilty! Besides all that, we pretty much have a normal loving marriage. We give passionate to each other and have sex daily. I just wish I have some sparkle when I look into his eyes but I only can look at him or love him like I love my brother.

Sorry, I only can tell you how I feel about my situation, but not much help! Personally, I think if there was attraction in the beginning of your marriage, you always can re-candle that sparkling back to your life. If something was there, and it is not now because of some friction during marriage life, you always can bring it back. This doesn't work for me because mine was never there because I was young and naive and did not know what I want. Even that, I'm responsible for my decision and make the best of it. I wish you the best of luck!"
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6 years ago  ::  Oct 06, 2008 - 4:09PM #2
Cesmom
Posts: 5,192
I'm unclear as to why you would consider leaving a marriage due to a lack of physical attraction.  You didn't honestly think there would ALWAYS be a physical attraction, anyway, did you?  I mean, as we get older, many of us will become a bit less attractive, and maybe he wasn't that attractive to begin with, but surely you would never marry someone for that reason anyway, right?  Not sure what to say to that one.  Doesn't seem like a deal-breaker to me.  Are you sure there is nothing else going on that would be contributing to marital doubts?  Someone else you are attracted to, maybe?

[QUOTE=niksy;806838]i got married to my husband becuse of the typeof person my husband is, he is such a lovely person. I was happy and I have had such a happy marriage
...but he is such a lovely person, my companion, my best friend and we get on so well together that i don't want to leave him and can just not make my self do it.[/QUOTE]

Sounds to me like you married for the right reasons and have all the reasons in the world to stay that way.
Our need to learn should always outweigh our need to be right

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.
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6 years ago  ::  Oct 06, 2008 - 8:01PM #3
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

niksy wrote:

QTbabe or anybody else that can help. I am new on here and the 1st time i am posting.

QTbabe i read the below response of yours on one of the postings and i am in exactly your situation at the moment and would really like some help to know how you manage to continue your relationship.



QT let me know that she's taken a break from posting for awhile; she felt like she was on the verge of disclosing too much personal information, and/or some other posters around here are not real compassionate.  If you look to the right of her username in one of the threads you found, you'll see a grey dot(green if she's online at b-net).  Click on it, and you'll see a dropdown menu; one of the choices is to "find all posts by" her.  Choose that one, and you will find what you seek.

[QUOTE] I am 34 and have been married for 10yrs and just recently realized that i do not find my husband attractive. when i got married i was unsure but didn't know why,  i got married to my husband becuse of the typeof person my husband is, he is such a lovely person. I was happy and I have had such a happy marriage until now but just recently i have started to think that i don't find my husband attractive and now when i think about it i don't think i have ever found him attractive (i definitely think now that this is why i was unsure when i got married) but this has never come across my mind before.[/QUOTE]

If you've never felt this way before, or it never crossed your mind before, I'd say there's a good chance that some recent issue has come up to spur you rethinking your life's choices---a death of a good friend or family member, a change of job, a serious insult your husband has given you, maybe on-purpose, maybe accidentally.

[QUOTE]However, nowadays this is the only thing on my mind and i have even contemplated leaving my husband but he is such a lovely person, my companion, my best friend and we get on so well together that i don't want to leave him and can just not make my self do it.[/QUOTE]

It almost sounds as though you're self-sabotaging, e.g. creating your own self-fulfilling prophecy.  What was your parent's marriage like?  Was there a breakup of a marriage you admired right around the 10-year mark?

[QUOTE] I am hoping by some miracle that these thoughts will go and i will start having the happy marriage that i had once again.   Ido not have much of a sexual or physical relationship. I have spoken to a counselor as well.[/QUOTE]

Your thoughts are your thoughts, and your feelings are your feelings.  Work through them.  Ask yourself the "why's" until you get your answers.  Also, you may wish to reflect on just how FEW good men there really are out IRL, and count your blessings instead of faultfinding; ever hear the expression "You don't know what you got 'til it's gone"?  I've seen many a woman have thoughts and feelings similar to yours, act on them, then after a year or so passes, deeply regret her choice and attempt to return to her husband---only to be rejected, as the ex-husband moved on after having his heart broken, finding someone else to fill her shoes.

(from QT babe)"I'm very sad to read your post because I am in your wife's position in some ways but not exactly the same. I don't act on how I felt toward him with my feeling. I never find my husband attractive ever before or after marriage. In fact I didn't know what attraction was until I turned to 32. I never told my husband that he's not attractive. I think he's a nice looking man with a warm heart, great father and provider. He's totally a family man and a keeper that something a woman would say. However, if I pass by him in the market, I would not turn my head around and check him out. So, in my situation, the attraction is never there so I didn't change but realized about it much later than I supposed to......This physical attraction had bugged me a lot and people on the marriage board probably knew and remember me wrote about this as well. It bugged me because I turned my head 180 degree when I see a handsome one which I hate to do...I felt guilty! Besides all that, we pretty much have a normal loving marriage. We give passionate to each other and have sex daily. I just wish I have some sparkle when I look into his eyes but I only can look at him or love him like I love my brother.

Sorry, I only can tell you how I feel about my situation, but not much help! Personally, I think if there was attraction in the beginning of your marriage, you always can re-candle that sparkling back to your life. If something was there, and it is not now because of some friction during marriage life, you always can bring it back. This doesn't work for me because mine was never there because I was young and naive and did not know what I want. Even that, I'm responsible for my decision and make the best of it. I wish you the best of luck!"



Basically, she took stock of her situation, and changed the way she thought about it.

One thing I've noticed about our thought-lives is that what we dwell upon tends to grow.  If you have thoughts of dissatisfaction and unhappiness about your husband, and allow yourself to often imagine even more flaws about him, those will magnify themselves until that's just about all you can see...the flaws and imperfections.

However, you can choose to see his positive qualities and attributes, and center your harmonious, loving thoughts on that, instead, if you wish. 

Also, you can sit down with a couple of pieces of paper, and on one, write down everything you hate about him.  Sleep on it, and in the morning, add any more that occur to you overnight.  Later that day, after you've had some time to reflect, begin to list all of his positive qualities and attributes.  Do the same thing that night, i.e. sleep on it, then when you awaken, write down any more things about him that you like and love.

Then, and only then, compare the two lists.

Also, is the lack of intimacy YOUR choice, or his?  Is there something lacking in his lovemaking skills(or yours)?  Are there any affectionate hugs, touches, hand-holding, etc.?

But I would LOVE to hear you define the word "attractive" or "attracted" for us; I've found that what women find attractive often varies from day to day, if not hour to hour, depending on their mood.

Warmest regards-

Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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6 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2008 - 11:58AM #4
nillawafer
Posts: 587
a beautiful model could be hit by a mack truck or burned beyond recognition in a fire. we can't count on the fact that we may look attractive when it comes to love.

passionate daily sex sounds good to me! a loving sparkle in the eyes would be nice, too, i suppose. i had a boyfriend like that once. but it would not have been good if we married. he was always looking at me with big puppy dog adoring eyes. that only goes so far and it becomes commonplace, too, and then you are longing for some other adoring eyes.

marriages go through ups and downs. there were times i didn't like to look at my husband and i'm sure there were times he didn't like to look at me. but not all the time. fortunately, when i used to feel attraction to people, i was often attracted to the "unique" or unusual, leaving all the beauties for sears catalogs and their equals in looks.
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6 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2008 - 4:01PM #5
SallySeven
Posts: 44
I've never been married, and so I cannot speak to the complication that marriage brings to a relationship. But I have been in my share of long term serious relationships. When I was in college, I dated a guy to whom I was emotionally attracted. That is to say, I never found him physically attractive, but his humor and personality drew me to him, and I felt as though I would be shallow if I rejected him on the basis of physical attractiveness alone. We dated for four years, but by the end of it I realized that I couldn't stay with him. Yes, I was young, but I also found myself longing for a relationship with a man to which I was physically attracted.

Since that time, I have had several dating relationships (both long and short) with men I found physically attractive, and I do not feel shy about saying that I now consider physical attractiveness essential in a man I date. Now, mind you, that is not the only prerequisite; I also look for intelligence, good companionship, emotional maturity and a host of other qualities. I have found that a good personality match is absolutely essential for maintaining attraction, physical and otherwise. Personality match is above all the most important element of forging a long term relationship, and my experiences have taught me that above all.

I am currently in a long term relationship with a man who is an excellent personality match for me (even better than the college sweetheart), and whom I find physically attractive. It is amazing to me how much more I enjoy our relationship than relationships in the past (where either one of these two elements was missing).

I suppose what I'm saying is, that relationships are complicated... and certainly marriage (and kids, if there are kids!) complicates matters even further. But don't discount physical attraction as a petty concern, or something you don't deserve, especially if you were never physically attracted to your current mate in the first place.
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6 years ago  ::  Oct 08, 2008 - 4:31AM #6
DotNotInOz
Posts: 6,833
Generally speaking, I agree with what SallySeven commented.

However, I'd disagree in that my husband isn't the least bit handsome. After badly breaking both legs and now being able to walk only with difficulty, he's put on weight and has a Santa Claus belly, balding head and certainly doesn't resemble Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt. So, were I to see him on the street, I'd think, "Nice smile but fairly ugly, balding fat guy. Don't think so!"

Except...and this is the clincher, this man is a complete delight to be married to. He is one of the gems every woman hopes to find--a man who truly LIKES and appreciates women...and he buys me very nice jewelry whenever we can afford it as well as insisting we go out to fine restaurants every so often. In short, physical attraction can have nothing much to do with looks.

We've had our times in twelve years together of physical attraction temporarily absent. Such a loss that lasts very long is, as Hatman mentioned, generally a signal that the couple has unresolved issues. Find out what those are, fix them, and I think you'll find that your relationship will be much better.
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6 years ago  ::  Oct 10, 2008 - 8:27AM #7
niksy
Posts: 5
[QUOTE=CESMom;807301]maybe he wasn't that attractive to begin with, but surely you would never marry someone for that reason anyway, right?  Not sure what to say to that one.  Doesn't seem like a deal-breaker to me.  Are you sure there is nothing else going on that would be contributing to marital doubts?  Someone else you are attracted to, maybe?
Sounds to me like you married for the right reasons and have all the reasons in the world to stay that way.[/QUOTE]

CESmom, thank you for your response. I would not marry somebody because of that reason alone as it is the person that is most important to me but i now feel that the attraction needs to be there aswell and there is nobody else. I so want to stay with him but i just can't seem to help the way i think.
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6 years ago  ::  Oct 10, 2008 - 8:45AM #8
niksy
Posts: 5
[QUOTE=Hatman;807805]QT If you've never felt this way before, or it never crossed your mind before, I'd say there's a good chance that some recent issue has come up to spur you rethinking your life's choices---a death of a good friend or family member, a change of job, a serious insult your husband has given you, maybe on-purpose, maybe accidentally.[/QUOTE]

Hatman, Thankyou so much for your posting. I think you are right that something has come up for me to think like this. I have previously tried to rack my brains thinking of why i have started to think like this and cannot think of any major incident but i think a few small things may have contributed.

[QUOTE]Your thoughts are your thoughts, and your feelings are your feelings.  Work through them.  Ask yourself the "why's" until you get your answers.  Also, you may wish to reflect on just how FEW good men there really are out IRL, and count your blessings instead of faultfinding; ever hear the expression "You don't know what you got 'til it's gone"?  I've seen many a woman have thoughts and feelings similar to yours, act on them, then after a year or so passes, deeply regret her choice and attempt to return to her husband---only to be rejected, as the ex-husband moved on after having his heart broken, finding someone else to fill her shoes.[/QUOTE]

I agree with you 100% and therefore i am very reluctant to do this.

[/QUOTE]One thing I've noticed about our thought-lives is that what we dwell upon tends to grow.  If However, you can choose to see his positive qualities and attributes, and center your harmonious, loving thoughts on that, instead, if you wish. [/QUOTE]

It definitely tends to grow. I have tried positive thinking and thinking about all the good things and these outweigh the negatives by far but these thoughts keep on coming to the forefront regardless of me trying to think about the positives.

[/QUOTE]Also, is the lack of intimacy YOUR choice, or his?  Is there something lacking in his lovemaking skills(or yours)?  Are there any affectionate hugs, touches, hand-holding, etc.?[/QUOTE]
This is all due to me. We have not had much of a physical relationship but i put that down to the fact that i didn't enjoy it and it never bothered me but i now know the reason behind it and it has just got worse. The hugs are definitely there but everything else isn't.
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6 years ago  ::  Oct 10, 2008 - 8:53AM #9
niksy
Posts: 5
[QUOTE=SallySeven;809670]But don't discount physical attraction as a petty concern, or something you don't deserve, especially if you were never physically attracted to your current mate in the first place.[/QUOTE]

I understand what you are saying but when you are my age and wanting children and also my religion, it is not easy to go out and find somebody else, especially when your husband is the type of person you want to be with!!!
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6 years ago  ::  Oct 11, 2008 - 10:02PM #10
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Niksy-

Also, is the lack of intimacy YOUR choice, or his? Is there something lacking in his lovemaking skills(or yours)? Are there any affectionate hugs, touches, hand-holding, etc.?


This is all due to me. We have not had much of a physical relationship but i put that down to the fact that i didn't enjoy it and it never bothered me but i now know the reason behind it and it has just got worse. The hugs are definitely there but everything else isn't.

If you don't mind me saying so, this dissatisfaction may be at the root of the problem.  If you don't enjoy it, there may be any number of factors, from his lack of expertise to your inability to communicate your desires in this area, or a combination of multiple factors of which I'm completely ignorant.  Sexual frustration---especially in a woman in or approaching her sexual peak---can lead to all of these symptoms you have described.  (Not saying that this IS, just to please consider the possibility.) 

Have you ever heard of [COLOR="DarkOrange"]www.retrouvaille.org[/COLOR]?  You may wish to check it out, and perhaps have yourself and your husband go, if you think it'll help.  If there's a problem with his approach to sexual intimacy---or just intimacy in general---or if you have some deep-seated issues like molestation as a child or a rape or something of like nature---and you WANT to deal with it---then this will take the services of a professional counselor, I expect.

From what you've related so far, it certainly sounds like your loving husband would support you in these efforts---the situation can't be a picnic for him, either, especially if you up and leave him without explanation one day, or just drop the "I don't love you anymore" bombshell on him just before you pack up and move out, as has happened to a friend or two or mine in the past.

Beyond the initial infatuation stages of juvenile love, love matures into a decision either for or against, every day, pretty much.

Warmest regards-

Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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