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Switch to Forum Live View I don't find my husband attractive
9 years ago  ::  Feb 05, 2009 - 1:41AM #31
Posts: 137
I'm about to shock the pants off of ya'll, but what the hell, I'll tell you my story because I feel it's relevent here and I am not ashamed.

I was involved long distance with a guy who I found extremely attractive...He was older than me, I was only 18 when we met, he was 20 years about 38.... It was  whirlwind romance and all but we gradually sent pics and talked on the phone and sent info to the point where we knew eachother was legit.. He was a sweet sweet soul...Anyway like I said I found him extremely attractive....I wanted to be with him...But then he broke my heart and stopped talking to me suddenly, it was awful, but I won't get into that.  A few years later, I was healed from the whole thing, but not complete...He had dealt with some emotional back in touch with me.

Suddenly  I realized he had passed the 40 mark, and I started to get nervous all the while ecstatic to talk to him again.  confused feelings....I'm sorry, talking about it in such short blunt bursts is the only way I can do it...anyway, he finally wanted to meet me and be with me for real... I was desperately in love with him, but I realized I couldn't do it.  I looked at the updated pictures he sent me, and he didn't look the same. I still loved him, and I looked at him as if I was looking at my future husband 15 years in the future, but I  just could not do it...

I have to explain that I have some mental and emotional issues, and what I call weird wiring in my brain..and this is not the only thing...I have had many kind of strange "obsessions" about things that I can't stop thinking's kinda embarrassing and there's no way I'll write them out here, even if anonymous, but whatever.  But always I've been very very visually stimulated....when I am in a visually pleasing environment like a cute little town all lit up  in christmas lights, my mood, my whole being, can feel completely different, than if I am in a stark barren, creepy looking room, for example.  I'm getting off topic but I believe all these things about my brain are related somehow.

Anyway, I ended up in the mental hospital because I attempted suicide after this whole situation...partly out of guilt of hurting him, partly out feeling like I was a bad person, or "shallow", how I knew society would label me if they ever knew my dirty little secret...partly out of just missing I swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills (I was too much of a coward to try any other way).

I've always been grossed out by stuff.  To this day even though I'm 26 now and not exactly a teenager, on the few occasions a love scene comes on tv between people that I personally find unnattractive, wether it be because they are older, or overweight, or not attractive to my personal sensibility, I have to change the channel, because I get physically nauseous and very disturbed and unsettled emotionally.  I was not disgusted in this way by the man I loved because I loved him but I still knew that there was absolutely no way I'd ever be able to make love to him.

What's more is that I currently could not make love to anybody else because I am significantly overweight, because you see, it doesn't just concern my partner, but myself also.  This is way personal and TMI , but when I masterbate, it's almost always under the covers, so I can kinda pretend and not see myself.

I don't believe what I have is that I am just "shallow" because I never judge anyone on the basis of what they look like, and I don't treat anyone differently or badly on the basis of what they look like on the outside.  It's not a perfection thing either. I don't mind if a guy is 20 pounds overweight or a little's something hard to explain.  I also have a certain idea of beauty, like I hate when people say actresses like Sarah Jessica Parker and Lili Taylor are not beautiful, or are "homely" when to me they are the epitemy of beauty, when so many people think cookie cutter too cute people like Kelly Rippa and Ali Larter are so beautiful and I just don't think that's beautiful at all.  But that's personal taste, and it doesn't matter cause we're all beautiful to God.

Anyway I am not in any way ashamed of what happened with my situation, even though  I know that society and lots of people would judge me and I know that my own mother does, and thinks I'm shallow and bad...I know that is not what is the actual truth and not what God sees.  I also think that while my case is very extreme, that all  humans have this natural biological tendency in them to some extent.  Some people are not much affected by physical beauty or lack of one way or the other.  Most people are in the middle, where when they are young they go for people they are attracted to, but they have no problem eventually growing old with someone or getting a little pudgy and still having passionate sex (which is still possible for many older couples this days, thanks to viagra)...or even if both partners are both young,if one is a little "homely" the other doesn't mind if the personalities mesh...physical attraction is important to their emotions, but their brains can tolerate that changing.

anyway that's my story. I hope it's not too shocking. Like I said, I'm not ashamed.  It was unfortunate for me but I have to believe that God works in very very very mysterious ways.
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9 years ago  ::  Feb 05, 2009 - 1:15PM #32
Posts: 16,577
May seem like a stupid question, but were you abused as a child?  I get the sense you are dealing with issues from the past.
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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9 years ago  ::  Feb 05, 2009 - 9:24PM #33
Posts: 137
yeah, this is where my story gets even weirder.  just in the past year I had begun to have suspicions that my dad molested me and my sister when we were very young.  I have absolutely no memories, and neither does she.  I was basing this solely on a few nightmares I had started having a few years ago and gained frequency this past year, a few "weird comments" my dad made usually at dinner time (having to do with the subjects of children and sex, but they were kinda subtle and veiled, with a kind of word choices that were like something where someone else would be able to say, "well he didn't mean it that way" or "I think you're reading into this more than what is there")...and just a general instinct I had...

I treasure my instincts because I am a very instinctual person and I feel much more than I think, and I am not psychic or anything whatsoever (even though I'm openminded enough to think it's possible some people are), but by body language and just gut feelings I get and stuff, I can infer things that I usually find out later were right on the money about people.  It's one of my few talents, I probably don't really understand how it works myself, all I know is the feelings I get.  But when I started having these suspicions is was also totally contrary to other feelings I felt about my dad, that he is just a harmless socially akward nerd like he has always been.  And he has always kinda lacked empathy for others, but at other times he's so sentimental it's completely corny and unbearable but sweet in a way...and yet like I said at other times he has lacked empathy and has been thoughtless of others feelings, most everything in his  mind is always surrounding how it will affect HIM.  He has not been the best dad in the world, but you get what you get. I have always felt some  kind of there was something missing, some connection that daughters are supposed to have with their dads, but I never had it, so I didn't know what it was. 

He also is mentally ill, like me, except in a different way...he suffers from paranoia, only he doesn't know that, because he really thinks that the government has our house bugged and everybody at work is hiding secret plans to sabotage him.  Sometimes he seems to have just a moment of doubt that maybe he is sick, and all of this stuff is not true, but rarely...he is pretty convinced.  I don't know much about it, I know he tells my mom everything, all of these little theories, probably some much weirder ones than those (since it is not totally inconceivable that the gov would have someone's house bugged in the past few years under the Bush administration), and I know that she doesn't tell me most of them, just that he tells them to her.  I think she is very embarrassed and stressed about it.  He has not been treated or anything of course because he doesn't think there is a problem.

I know paranoia is a real disease, and I'm positive he really has it, but also at some point I started wondering if he's worried that the government is watching him, what exactly is he so worried about them finding?  I started to believe that maybe he is hiding something and that, along with the disease itself, feeds into his paranoia.

Anyway it seems crazy because nobody in my life has memories of anything like this happening to us...and I know that nobody is lying.  It seems impossible that it could be that someone could get away with something like that without ANYBODY knowing, and the victims not even remembering it.  In fact since I do have a history of mental illness myself, and since my dad's form of mental illness has been a kind of delusional kind...everyone I told about my suspicions, including my therapist and psychiatrist, suggested to me that I'm probably just imagining things, and I might have some of the same problem that he has. 

You see the circle there?  They use his illness against me as a way to discount my theory, and I never said it was for sure true, and I hope to God it's not, but I was counting on my therapist and psychiatrist to at least humor me for a while, but they didn't.....

umm...this is getting long, I'm gonna quit this individual post now. I may come on later to explain more.
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9 years ago  ::  Feb 12, 2009 - 10:10AM #34
Posts: 823
Hi Niksy,

Hope you're doing well and hope you already found the answers for your question. 
I'm slowly getting back to post in this forum.  Have a lot to catch up. I didn't have enough time to read all the posts yet, but hope that I'll get thru soon :)
Hatman, you're still here:) love to ready your posts as usual.  You were right on the "Dwell" on the past thing...I am the queen of Dwelling the past, not proud of it but a habbit that I'm learning to break....give me a tip of how if you have one....
REteach, I don't think she has "child abuse" problem here as I've been exchanging emails with her on this question.  Now, I'm speaking of my own experience here: when life is great and relationship is in the good place, the little thing will come out and because it's too small in a perfect picture, it usually stands out.
I still believe that "physical attraction" is very important in a marriage.  Men usually do not marry to someone that they're not attracted to but not the case for women.  Women, we analyze things too much that why we don't just look.  Men are the other opposite.......
sorry, gotta go to work...will continue next time

I am BACK!!! :) hope you all have a beautiful day....
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