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10 years ago  ::  Oct 03, 2008 - 1:36PM #1
ozee
Posts: 27
I've been married for ten years to a Texan. We live there, but I'm from Michigan. I miss all the seasons and my old friends. We own a business that could function in Michigan, and so I've begged for the last year to move back. I've been living away from home for more than forty years. My first husband quickly moved me to his home state, and we stayed there for over 20 years. Then we moved to Minnesota for a business assignment. After two years there, we moved to Germany for another business assignment. Then we landed in Texas. These moves (three of them) happened in the space of 4 years. My husband had changed so much, and on the advice of his psychiatrist, I asked for a divorce. I was single from 1997 to 1998, when I met my present husband. His parents were sick, so I was a good wife and helped him take care of them for five years. We have always been active in church and have a strong faith in Jesus Christ. While on a visit to see my sisters, I realized that I really wanted to get away from the hot, hot, hot Texas summers where my allergies explode and prevent me from going outside. I'm being treated for the allergies, but that doesn't change my heart about where I want to live. My husband is quiet and kind of shy, but very, very stubborn. I'm much more outgoing. I've tried to get counseling from our pastor, but he seems too busy to help us. I've prayed to God to change my husband or change me.

My heart aches for home. This is someone else's home, not mine. My husband is not terribly close to his family, so I don't understand why he's being so stubborn about moving to a place I never really wanted to leave. Every time I try to talk with him about it, he gets mad and won't talk at all. Last week he finally acknowledged my feelings by saying, "You want to be in Michigan, and you won't be happy until you are."
We need help desparately.
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 05, 2008 - 6:53PM #2
Sailorlal79
Posts: 1,365
You are angry at your ex for making you leave your home- why would you want to force your new husband to do the same? Just because he doesn't have close family in Texas doesn't mean he's not attached to the place. I think if it was important for you to move back to Michigan, you probably should have had that conversation before you got married.
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 17, 2008 - 3:43PM #3
ozee
Posts: 27
You're probably right that I'm angry at my ex, but not just for moving me all over. There are too many other reasons to tell! I'm sorry I came across as a selfish person. Most people see me as a loving, giving person. And I know now that I should have moved back to Michigan before we got married. However, people were telling me not to make any big decisions because between January and June in 1997, my mother died, my divorce was final, and my son drowned in his father's swimming pool. So I stuck around here and then met my new husband.

As for my present husband, I was a support to him for five years while his parents were dying and helped him take care of them. I tried very hard to adjust, but the weather here is close to unbearable, and since I came to Texas 15 years ago, I've gotten some horrible allergies. I never had one before.

Also,  since my husband is shy, we don't have a social life at all. I have gone back to choir and Sunday School so I can create my own social circle. He won't participate in those activities. Other than that, we only go out alone, never with other people. We see his family 3 times a year. That's made my life pretty lonely. 

So, as you can see, I have tried to make things better, and have not tried to force him to do anything. In the last few days, I decided to never bring up the subject of moving again. Since one never knows how much longer one's life will be, I chose to make my life more graceful, rather than have everyone see me as a bitter, angry woman. This is a difficult choice, but in the long run, it is a better one, even though I'm homesick.
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 17, 2008 - 5:18PM #4
Sailorlal79
Posts: 1,365
Oh, hun, I didn't think you were selfish per se- I just thought that you probably should have worked out living situations before you married. But you are where you are. It does sound like a lonely situation. I guess the question is, is it more important to you to get home, or be married? Not a judgement question- it may be that you want to go to Michigan more than you want to be with your husband. Only you can decide that.
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 18, 2008 - 3:12PM #5
ozee
Posts: 27
Sometimes, I feel so lonely that I do want to just leave. However, marriage is very important to me. My parents were divorced, which is why I stayed with my ex for over thirty years, even though I wasn't very happy being away from my sisters and my mother. Now my mom is gone, and my husband's mom and dad are gone. I guess I always hoped I'd get to go home to live out the last twenty or thirty years of my life. I've always tried to make other people happy, and hoped someone would want to make me happy too. Thanks for listening.
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 18, 2008 - 4:04PM #6
GraceSA
Posts: 1,101
Why does he want to stay? I don't understand why he is being so stubborn. 

However- is it remotely possible you move to Michigan and Snowbird to Texas?  Remember over the years you may have idealized how great it is.  Everywhere is great on vacation- living there is another matter. 

Weather-wise, Michigan is COLD!  People try to leave in winter.

Also, depending on the charactar of yourself and your husband- maybe you could summer in Michigan.

And while I applaud your trying to be graceful about the issue there is a fine line between graceful and doormat- which truly I can't tell from where I am sitting.

At any rate- all the best to you.  And my condolences on the loss of your son. May you find peace and healing.

Grace
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 18, 2008 - 5:48PM #7
ozee
Posts: 27
I don't really understand why he's being stubborn about it, but it does seem to run in his family! His father was like that after WWII because when he was offered a good position in post-war Japan, my mother-in-law wouldn't  go with there. He went to work for his father instead of taking advantage of the benefits offered to veterans, but never forgave her for it, and did almost nothing with his life.

We can't afford to snowbird. I wish we could.

I know Michigan is cold. I went there when my mother died, and spent a month in January weather. I am acquainted with it. I actually like it. Here in Texas, I have to stay inside during the summer because I can't take the heat. They say the reason there are so many Baptists in Texas is because they already know whal hell feels like.

I know I should have talked with my husband about this before we got married, but there is another reason I didn't bring it up. When my sweetie took me to meet his parents at their home, I knew immediately that they were dying. I had the sense that they were both dying, but only his father died the next summer. However, my mom-in-law always said that when he died, it was like she died, too.

Nevertheless, I'm not going to talk with my husband about it ever again. He knows that I want to go, and I've tried to work things out. He has given many reasons, and all of them are pretty weak. For instance, he says the cold weather would aggravate his troubles caused by an enlarged prostate gland. I asked him if he thought all the men up north were free of this condition, that it only occurred in southern states. Then he came up with a few more. The house (which is my childhood home) is too big; the house is too small. It doesn't have enough storage space (it has a basement, unlike our home here), and so on and so forth.

Rather than go on looking like a cold-hearted meanie, I'm trying to be graceful about it.
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 19, 2008 - 4:29PM #8
Hatman
Posts: 9,954
ozee-
Is it possible that you could take an extended vacation up there, say 3-4 months?  Once there, you could write glowing reports about what life is like in MI without comparing it to Texas, if that's the case.

I think that SailorLal makes a good point, in that it's entirely possible that you've idealized the past.  Staying there for a few months will serve to  disabuse you of your illusions, especially once you see how greatly things have changed there.

However, I certainly understand the wanderlust.  I'm also understanding that you feel like you've sacrificed your life and desires, sublimating them to his in order for him to be near to and care for his parents, even helping a great deal with their care, and now he seems to be selfishly refusing to return the favor.

Here's a little lesson my brother taught me that was unpleasant, at first, until you see the truth in it:  If you give, expecting anything in return, you never gave a thing---you INVESTED.  The resentment you're now feeling may be a result of not getting the ROI you expected.

But your husband's current isolation may either be habit or depression; if the former, you can help him break the habit by making social plans and including him in them, encouraging him to suggest better alternatives than what you've come up with; also, encourage his friends to take him out places, sometimes even without you.  Actually, this might work with either situation, habit OR depression, although I suspect the latter; one cannot lose both parents in a short time without there being an effect.

I suffer from manic-depression, although it's well under control by now; I know that the ONE thing that really brought me out of the depressive phase was friends who refused to give up on me, and not only kept inviting me to go out places(even a movie), but INSISTED that I go, not taking "No," or "I don't feel like it" or whatever for an answer.  Not drugs.  Not counseling.  Not therapy.  Not psychiatrists or psychiatric hospitalization.  Just friends who really cared.

From what I have gathered over the years, you can elevate another's mood by first mirroring the mood that they are in, then slowly raising that mood to other levels.  For example, if someone is depressed, be just as depressed or worse than they are, not to mock them, but to show some empathy and generate some interest; then move to the next-highest level, then the next, all the way to enthusiasm, the highest level, when possible.  From my observation, people tend to get "stuck" in emotional cycles, say, from apathy to anger and back again.

If you'd like to know more, click my username and make a "friend request;" once I accept, I'll PM you more detailed info.

Warmest regards-

Hatman

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 19, 2008 - 4:29PM #9
Hatman
Posts: 9,954
ozee-
Is it possible that you could take an extended vacation up there, say 3-4 months?  Once there, you could write glowing reports about what life is like in MI without comparing it to Texas, if that's the case.

I think that SailorLal makes a good point, in that it's entirely possible that you've idealized the past.  Staying there for a few months will serve to  disabuse you of your illusions, especially once you see how greatly things have changed there.

However, I certainly understand the wanderlust.  I'm also understanding that you feel like you've sacrificed your life and desires, sublimating them to his in order for him to be near to and care for his parents, even helping a great deal with their care, and now he seems to be selfishly refusing to return the favor.

Here's a little lesson my brother taught me that was unpleasant, at first, until you see the truth in it:  If you give, expecting anything in return, you never gave a thing---you INVESTED.  The resentment you're now feeling may be a result of not getting the ROI you expected.

But your husband's current isolation may either be habit or depression; if the former, you can help him break the habit by making social plans and including him in them, encouraging him to suggest better alternatives than what you've come up with; also, encourage his friends to take him out places, sometimes even without you.  Actually, this might work with either situation, habit OR depression, although I suspect the latter; one cannot lose both parents in a short time without there being an effect.

I suffer from manic-depression, although it's well under control by now; I know that the ONE thing that really brought me out of the depressive phase was friends who refused to give up on me, and not only kept inviting me to go out places(even a movie), but INSISTED that I go, not taking "No," or "I don't feel like it" or whatever for an answer.  Not drugs.  Not counseling.  Not therapy.  Not psychiatrists or psychiatric hospitalization.  Just friends who really cared.

From what I have gathered over the years, you can elevate another's mood by first mirroring the mood that they are in, then slowly raising that mood to other levels.  For example, if someone is depressed, be just as depressed or worse than they are, not to mock them, but to show some empathy and generate some interest; then move to the next-highest level, then the next, all the way to enthusiasm, the highest level, when possible.  From my observation, people tend to get "stuck" in emotional cycles, say, from apathy to anger and back again.

If you'd like to know more, click my username and make a "friend request;" once I accept, I'll PM you more detailed info.

Warmest regards-

Hatman

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 20, 2008 - 9:34AM #10
ozee
Posts: 27
Hatman, Sailor and Grace, thank you so much for taking an interest. I've looked at some forums on people who have moved from Michigan, and there does seem to be something the state offers that is pretty special.

As for manic depression, Hatman, I think you are so brave for facing it down and working on it. I do indeed think my husband's family may have some of that, and I know it exists in my family. My cousin was diagnosed about 35 years ago. His psychiatrist said that he was more inclined to be depressed, and that the manic episodes were usually stifled by pressure from others. I feel that way myself quite often.

I certainly would love to spend 3-4 months in Michigan, no matter what time of year it is. My stay there after my mother's death was the whole month of January. I enjoyed every minute.

My husband has said that it all comes down to money. If we did go there, it would mean that we would probably lose the assignments we have here. In other words, it would cut us off from our financial resources here in Texas. We probably wouldn't be able to come back and start working in the same business.

Yes, I'm really homesick, but I think my choice to stay here and try to be graceful about it would be the best thing, even though I hate it here in the summer.

I'm praying that things will change on their own.
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