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Switch to Forum Live View I don't know why I feel this way
10 years ago  ::  Oct 02, 2008 - 1:07PM #1
whisper1662
Posts: 4
My inlaws were on a trip to Alaska and fil took very ill and had to be taken to a hospital there.  We live in SC.  Of course my dh and his sisters fly out there to be with their parents.  The first week there, he and his sisters decided to come up with a plan for someone to be with mother in law, both sisters said what they could do and my dh took what was left.  Problem with this is that he never once called me and asked me how I would feel about him being gone so long (he was acutally there for 17 days).  I was very angry at him for not even giving me the opportunity to voice my opionion on this.  He said that he had to do what was needed.  I do understand that but I still feel it was wrong of him to not even discuss this with me.  We finally get my fil back to a hospital here in SC and he tells his mom that she can stay at our house while fil is in hospital, once again he did ask me about it or even tell me that he had told his mom she could stay ( we live about 25 minutes and mil lives about 55 mintues from the hospital)  I am once again angry at this.  He keeps making these decisions that affect me with out so much as asking me how I feel about it and he does not seem to think that he has done anything wrong.  I just cannot get him to understand, so I have pretty much at this point decided to just grin and bear it, not much else I can do since it has been done. 
Another problem I am facing during this time is that I am feeling jealous of how he is reacting to his mom and one of his sister's.  There seems to be an intimacy between them that has never been there before.  I have never in my life been the jealous type and I cannot understand why I am having these feelings now of all times.  If anyone can shed some light on this for me I would truly be greatful.
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 02, 2008 - 1:40PM #2
Cesmom
Posts: 5,740
I would be upset if my husband didn't tell me about something as important as someone moving into our house, too.  As far as his being gone so long, it sounds like it was necessary for the situation.  Just a thought...would your reaction have been totally supportive if he had talked to you about it...and does he know that from past experience?  Just trying to think of what could have motivated him to not discuss the subject with you.

Crises often bring families closer than they ever have been before, so I would think some renewed intimacy between all of them is normal.  I think it's also normal for you to have some sadness about being left out of the equation.  Have you tried talking to him about how you feel?

Wish you the best in your situation.
Our need to learn should always outweigh our need to be right

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 02, 2008 - 1:45PM #3
KatherineOrthodixie
Posts: 3,689
I would want my husband to at least tell me his mom was coming, but it's his house too and he doesn't have to ask my permission for family.
“The Law of the Church is to give oneself to what is given not to seek one’s own.” Fr. Alexander Schmemann
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 03, 2008 - 9:03AM #4
Hipi75
Posts: 220
For one, you're angry because he was being disrespectful towards you.  And you're jealous because he's pushing you aside for his family like you're not important.  You're supposed to be partners in this life, but he's not treating you like a partner.

Yeah, I know he's going through a hard time, & he's got a lot of emotions that he doesn't know how to handle.  So try not to be emotional.  Just tell him that the way he's been treating you is disrespectful, that he wouldn't like it if you treated him the same way & that there is no excuse for it.  Period.  Also, remind him that you'd be there for him, so what he did wasn't even necessary.  You can be supportive, but it's okay to set boundaries, so you don't have to be disrespected in your own home.
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 03, 2008 - 2:52PM #5
whisper1662
Posts: 4
Cesmom, of course I would have said yes to him staying then it was the fact that I was not given the opportunity.  I have tried talking to him about how I am feeling and he just gets upset.  We are going out of town next week end and I think that maybe that will be the best thing for us. Thanks for all the replies.  I was beginning to think that I was just being selfish in all of this.  This is the first major health issue that we have had to deal with, where his parents are concerned.  We had been having stress in our marriage before this happen, we have been having issues with our son over the past year, then this happened and it just got layered on.  Good thing right now  is that his mom is going tonight to stay at her house.  I am hoping that she will feel more comfortable being at home and will choose to go to her home more than stay with us.
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 04, 2008 - 5:49PM #6
Hipi75
Posts: 220
It's good to hear things from a man's POV, so I'm glad you posted.  So please allow me to clarify what's going through a woman's mind about all this...

It's not about control, it's more about respect.  Nobody likes to be treated like they are some insignificant servant expected to jump when the master says jump.  In the same respect, is he the king of his castle that can do whatever he wants with no regard for anyone in his home?  Women don't want that control as much as we want to be equal partners with our SO's.  It seems that he's been pushing her out of the loop & she's starting to feel taken for granted & lonely.

Also, when a child starts rebelling, a woman is not losing control as much as she's losing her baby.
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 04, 2008 - 5:49PM #7
Hipi75
Posts: 220
It's good to hear things from a man's POV, so I'm glad you posted.  So please allow me to clarify what's going through a woman's mind about all this...

It's not about control, it's more about respect.  Nobody likes to be treated like they are some insignificant servant expected to jump when the master says jump.  In the same respect, is he the king of his castle that can do whatever he wants with no regard for anyone in his home?  Women don't want that control as much as we want to be equal partners with our SO's.  It seems that he's been pushing her out of the loop & she's starting to feel taken for granted & lonely.

Also, when a child starts rebelling, a woman is not losing control as much as she's losing her baby.
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 05, 2008 - 10:37AM #8
Hipi75
Posts: 220
It amazes me how men & women can see the same things completely differently.  But I'm glad we can talk about this like adults.

Whisper said, "I was very angry at him for not even giving me the opportunity to voice my opionion on this. He said that he had to do what was needed. I do understand that but I still feel it was wrong of him to not even discuss this with me."

What you see is a woman who wants control over her husband.  I can see that possibility.  But what I see as a woman, knowing a woman's needs & desires I might add, is that she wants to be included in the decision making.  Mostly because these decisions effect her life.

Now please, imagine that you are married, & your wife suddenly comes up & says, "I'll be gone for a month with mom, & when we get back she'll be living here with us for a month."  How would that make you feel?  Pretty upset I'd bet.  (Heck, that's giving ME anxiety just thinking about it!)  Also, I just saw this same thing happen with a coworker of mine.  His wife was going with her parents to evacuate from Hurricane Ike, but things didn't happen that way.  He & his family got electricity first so she called her parents to tell them to come over & stay with them until they got electricity back.  She didn't consult her husband, just expected him to hop to.  Let me tell you, this put a strain on their relationship until things got back to normal.  And one more point... when I moved to Houston I called my stepaunt to see if I could stay with them until I found my own place.  She told me she would have to discuss it with her husband.  Now she knew that he would say yes, because he was a good guy, but she showed him the respect that he deserved by putting him first & including him in this decision that would directly effect him.  I think doing that is one of the things that makes a marriage really strong.  It's making your life partner number 1 in your life & they should be.  This is the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, this is the person you share everything with, & this is the person that will always have your back.  You should take the time to include them.  I think her husband should have taken the time to include her.  She wouldn't be so upset.  Also, I'm not a betting person, but if her husband stopped & told her how much he appreciated her, she'd forget she was ever angry.

Now, I can admit that you can possibly be right about the control thing.  I wonder, can you admit that I could possibly be as little as 1% right about the respect thing?
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 05, 2008 - 4:25PM #9
Hipi75
Posts: 220
The complaint I hear is this...

"He's pushing me away & shutting me out when he needs me the most."

But since he lost his father, that complaint is completely insignificant?... and so is she?
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10 years ago  ::  Oct 06, 2008 - 4:34PM #10
whisper1662
Posts: 4
I would like to add a little more information on this.  I was upset that my dh did not discuss with me the plans that he made of when he would go back to Alaska.  Both his sister's discussed when they were coming back (with their DH's) and not one of them asked my dh if that was going to work for his family.  My dh did not even tell me the plans I heard about the plans AFTER everything had been decided from one of my bil's.  Me and my dh are suppose to be a team and as a team ALL decisions that affect our family should be discussed.  As some of you have said, I felt left out of the loop. 
As for my son, he is 19 has been out of school for a year and half and is not going to school and only has a part time job.  He thinks that he should be able to do what he wants and that we, his parents, should provide for him a car, phone and anything else that he feels that he needs.  You can imagne what things have been like in our household over this. 
As for mother inlaw going home over the week end, she had already decided that she was just going to stay with us during the week and go home on the week ends.  I had nothing to do with that decision.  My mil is a very demanding person and not always the easiest person to be around.  You would really have to know her in order to understand how she is.  As for her inviting people to our house without asking, she is a guest in our home and as a guest she does not have the right to invite anyone over with asking us first.  This was the first weekend in over a month that we were going to be home and we had plans for a family outing on Sunday.  We were going to have to cancel our plans because of her inviting sil's family to our house.  DH talked to sil and sil had not planned on coming anyway so it all worked out.  Also, my dh was very upset that his mom had done this. 
I would also like to add, I am not a controling person.  Me and my dh have been married for 21 years and together for 25 years and  have 3 children.  I do know what it is like to lose a parent, I lost both of my parents within a 6 month period. 
I was upset over dh not discussing things with me that he should have been discussing.  I understand that he was under a lot of stress and did what he thought was the best thing to do at the time.  But as a married couple you do not always get to do what you want to do when you want to do it, no matter what the situation.  When  you have a family you have to think of them as well and this was a time when my dh did not do that.  We have discussed this and have come to an understanding for the future. 
I would like to thank everyone for their comments and support.
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