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Switch to Forum Live View interfaith dating and heart ache
10 years ago  ::  Sep 29, 2008 - 8:22PM #1
umpa10
Posts: 2
I have been dating a muslim pakistani man that has been residing in the United States for the past 12 years. I am a christian indian female, 26 yrs old who is 9 years younger than my boyfriend. We have been dating for the past 16 months and now all of sudden he has told me that he has agreed to marry a woman in pakistan with whom his parents have arranged a marriage. My heart is broken and he has told me he is leaving in december to visit his family there. I dont where to begin or how to heal and we still speak to each other daily and his only suggestion is that I marry him as well which is something i totally dont believe in neither has anyone in his family has actually done. Im lost an unsure of how to proceed like i cant bring myself to stop talking to him cause i know he's still here in this country and very much around. I know dragging it out until he leaves is not wise either. I just cant eat sleep or function like I used to and have anxiety about it. I need some advice on what to do or how to even begin healing. Thanks
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10 years ago  ::  Sep 29, 2008 - 8:58PM #2
Sailorlal79
Posts: 1,365

umpa10 wrote:

I have been dating a muslim pakistani man that has been residing in the United States for the past 12 years. I am a christian indian female, 26 yrs old who is 9 years younger than my boyfriend. We have been dating for the past 16 months and now all of sudden he has told me that he has agreed to marry a woman in pakistan with whom his parents have arranged a marriage. My heart is broken and he has told me he is leaving in december to visit his family there. I dont where to begin or how to heal and we still speak to each other daily and his only suggestion is that I marry him as well which is something i totally dont believe in neither has anyone in his family has actually done. Im lost an unsure of how to proceed like i cant bring myself to stop talking to him cause i know he's still here in this country and very much around. I know dragging it out until he leaves is not wise either. I just cant eat sleep or function like I used to and have anxiety about it. I need some advice on what to do or how to even begin healing. Thanks



I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please accept my deepest sympathy. I would say that this guy has used you terribly. You don't deserve to be a plural wife, so please don't accept that existence. Basically, you need to cut this guy out of your life and just feel hurt for a while. See your girlfriends, take care of yourself, show yourself the love that you deserve. You will get over it, I promise.

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10 years ago  ::  Sep 29, 2008 - 8:22PM #3
umpa10
Posts: 2
I have been dating a muslim pakistani man that has been residing in the United States for the past 12 years. I am a christian indian female, 26 yrs old who is 9 years younger than my boyfriend. We have been dating for the past 16 months and now all of sudden he has told me that he has agreed to marry a woman in pakistan with whom his parents have arranged a marriage. My heart is broken and he has told me he is leaving in december to visit his family there. I dont where to begin or how to heal and we still speak to each other daily and his only suggestion is that I marry him as well which is something i totally dont believe in neither has anyone in his family has actually done. Im lost an unsure of how to proceed like i cant bring myself to stop talking to him cause i know he's still here in this country and very much around. I know dragging it out until he leaves is not wise either. I just cant eat sleep or function like I used to and have anxiety about it. I need some advice on what to do or how to even begin healing. Thanks
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10 years ago  ::  Sep 29, 2008 - 8:58PM #4
Sailorlal79
Posts: 1,365

umpa10 wrote:

I have been dating a muslim pakistani man that has been residing in the United States for the past 12 years. I am a christian indian female, 26 yrs old who is 9 years younger than my boyfriend. We have been dating for the past 16 months and now all of sudden he has told me that he has agreed to marry a woman in pakistan with whom his parents have arranged a marriage. My heart is broken and he has told me he is leaving in december to visit his family there. I dont where to begin or how to heal and we still speak to each other daily and his only suggestion is that I marry him as well which is something i totally dont believe in neither has anyone in his family has actually done. Im lost an unsure of how to proceed like i cant bring myself to stop talking to him cause i know he's still here in this country and very much around. I know dragging it out until he leaves is not wise either. I just cant eat sleep or function like I used to and have anxiety about it. I need some advice on what to do or how to even begin healing. Thanks



I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please accept my deepest sympathy. I would say that this guy has used you terribly. You don't deserve to be a plural wife, so please don't accept that existence. Basically, you need to cut this guy out of your life and just feel hurt for a while. See your girlfriends, take care of yourself, show yourself the love that you deserve. You will get over it, I promise.

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10 years ago  ::  Sep 30, 2008 - 4:27AM #5
GraceSA
Posts: 1,101
I am very sorry you are going through this.  Please think.  He is now engaged- and he is already trying to gain a second wife- almost certainly without the firsts knowledge.  So that is how he treats a "wife". 

You have dodged a bullet- be glad things went no further.  He doesn't seem worth winning- and I'm suprised you can still stomach looking at him.  Most likely he has simply been using you as a "fill-in" till his marriage was arranged and/or imminant.  Most guys from these families know all along they will be having an arranged marriage.

I feel sorry for you-I feel even more sorry for her as she is getting a real loser.  Just in case you get tempted- don't.  He isn't worth it, and plural marriages are very difficult, and only get more difficult as kids, finances, possible co-habitation and legal statuses get involved (I have several friends in this sittuation- none are happy with it)

Good luck.
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10 years ago  ::  Sep 30, 2008 - 9:24AM #6
KatherineOrthodixie
Posts: 3,689
Amen, grace! I know that it hurts now, but at least you're not married to him with a couple of kids and then find out what kind of person he really is. Your beliefs and values are too far apart.

One thing that will help you heal is not to talk daily. Please consider telling him that his decision means that you are no longer interested in a relationship, and that you will not contact nor accept contact from him again. After all, what do you have to say to a man who prefers to marry someone else?
“The Law of the Church is to give oneself to what is given not to seek one’s own.” Fr. Alexander Schmemann
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10 years ago  ::  Sep 30, 2008 - 7:33PM #7
umpa10
Posts: 2
thanks so much for the advice i know this is really difficult and im trying one day at a time to not pick up the phone and call him
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