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6 years ago  ::  Jul 09, 2008 - 12:29AM #1
Sulyts
Posts: 1
Hi everyone. Please read and give me words of thought. I have been married for 15 years. I first met my wife when she was 16 through a mutual friend. I started dating her when I was 19 and she was 18. We married at 23 and 22 years of age. I am a Catholic and was raised that sex was something to be shared between husband and wife. I actually lost my virginity to my wife when I was 20. We were not married but I waited until I found the woman who I was sure I was going to marry. My problem is my wife never thought like that. I couldnt have my best friend as my best man because my wife had slept with him. I know of at least 6 others that she will admit to sleeping with before we dated. One of them is her sisters husband. (Before her sister dated him) My friends said I was crazy to marry her. My best friend asked how could i choose her to lose my virginity to? I had waited so long, and she had slept with him the first night she met him. She was known to be an "easy" girl. The word used to be if you get her drunk she will at least make out with you but you may get lucky. I disregarded everything I heard and still asked her to marry me. Her friends and family would tell me that I made her so happy. I thought that I was the one who had been wrong about keeping my virginity. When we were engaged she told me that she might have trouble getting pregnant because when she was little she had had polyps on her fallopian tubes and had to have one removed. I felt bad for her and said if we couldnt that was okay. Well after trying and not getting pregnant we went to a specialist who informed me that the reason she had surgery was because she had contracted STD's and had to have one fallopian tube removed and the other was damaged. When I asked her why she didnt tell me she responded that she knew I would have left her.Surgery was done and we were told to try to get pregnant but I did not cooperate. I couldnt sleep with her after finding out. We had to do invitro and I know have a 10 year old daughter. Through all these years I have resented what she did to me and have never enjoyed having sex with her since i found out the truth. I have always in the back of my mind though of her as a slut. She though has always said she did nothing wrong. After a while she grew distant. Barely any sex. No kissing, no hugging, no holding hands. I felt as a Catholic i had taken a vow so I had to stay. I also had the only thing that kept me going my daughter.Then I met a girl who was in a similar situation, though in an abusive marrage. Need less to say I did something I never thought I was capable of and started having an affair with this woman. She turned out to be everything I had wanted my wife to be. She had the same beliefs as me, the same interests and we connected on a much deeper level then I ever did with my wife. She is catholic also. We both felt that we had taken vows and had to stick to them until we met each other. A coworker who I have been close to for years, a woman, asked me if something was going on because she said I had been so miserable and for the past year I have become a different person. I told her the truth and she said the girl must be wonderful because she knows I would never hads done something like this.We are both divorcing our spouses though she has an easier time then I do. Her husband left the house he wanted to hang out with his friends and didn't like the responsablity of being a father. I realize now I should never have married my wife. I should have left after I found out the truth. I have hated her now for years.I finally got tired of taking the big breath upon opening the door and saying just make it till I go to sleep. My problem is my daughter. I am having such a hard time coming to the realization that i will no longer see her everyday. That child has been the only reason I have stayed this long. The wife has always said I am a lousy husband but a great father. Still I know my life will be so much better away from my wife. I hope to have a future with this other woman. I just find it so hard to break away from my daughter. It kills me to think I will not see her everyday. Any thoughts? Am i doing the right thing?
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 09, 2008 - 12:29AM #2
Sulyts
Posts: 1
Hi everyone. Please read and give me words of thought. I have been married for 15 years. I first met my wife when she was 16 through a mutual friend. I started dating her when I was 19 and she was 18. We married at 23 and 22 years of age. I am a Catholic and was raised that sex was something to be shared between husband and wife. I actually lost my virginity to my wife when I was 20. We were not married but I waited until I found the woman who I was sure I was going to marry. My problem is my wife never thought like that. I couldnt have my best friend as my best man because my wife had slept with him. I know of at least 6 others that she will admit to sleeping with before we dated. One of them is her sisters husband. (Before her sister dated him) My friends said I was crazy to marry her. My best friend asked how could i choose her to lose my virginity to? I had waited so long, and she had slept with him the first night she met him. She was known to be an "easy" girl. The word used to be if you get her drunk she will at least make out with you but you may get lucky. I disregarded everything I heard and still asked her to marry me. Her friends and family would tell me that I made her so happy. I thought that I was the one who had been wrong about keeping my virginity. When we were engaged she told me that she might have trouble getting pregnant because when she was little she had had polyps on her fallopian tubes and had to have one removed. I felt bad for her and said if we couldnt that was okay. Well after trying and not getting pregnant we went to a specialist who informed me that the reason she had surgery was because she had contracted STD's and had to have one fallopian tube removed and the other was damaged. When I asked her why she didnt tell me she responded that she knew I would have left her.Surgery was done and we were told to try to get pregnant but I did not cooperate. I couldnt sleep with her after finding out. We had to do invitro and I know have a 10 year old daughter. Through all these years I have resented what she did to me and have never enjoyed having sex with her since i found out the truth. I have always in the back of my mind though of her as a slut. She though has always said she did nothing wrong. After a while she grew distant. Barely any sex. No kissing, no hugging, no holding hands. I felt as a Catholic i had taken a vow so I had to stay. I also had the only thing that kept me going my daughter.Then I met a girl who was in a similar situation, though in an abusive marrage. Need less to say I did something I never thought I was capable of and started having an affair with this woman. She turned out to be everything I had wanted my wife to be. She had the same beliefs as me, the same interests and we connected on a much deeper level then I ever did with my wife. She is catholic also. We both felt that we had taken vows and had to stick to them until we met each other. A coworker who I have been close to for years, a woman, asked me if something was going on because she said I had been so miserable and for the past year I have become a different person. I told her the truth and she said the girl must be wonderful because she knows I would never hads done something like this.We are both divorcing our spouses though she has an easier time then I do. Her husband left the house he wanted to hang out with his friends and didn't like the responsablity of being a father. I realize now I should never have married my wife. I should have left after I found out the truth. I have hated her now for years.I finally got tired of taking the big breath upon opening the door and saying just make it till I go to sleep. My problem is my daughter. I am having such a hard time coming to the realization that i will no longer see her everyday. That child has been the only reason I have stayed this long. The wife has always said I am a lousy husband but a great father. Still I know my life will be so much better away from my wife. I hope to have a future with this other woman. I just find it so hard to break away from my daughter. It kills me to think I will not see her everyday. Any thoughts? Am i doing the right thing?
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 09, 2008 - 9:06AM #3
starchild33
Posts: 21
YOU WRITE "My problem is my daughter. I am having such a hard time coming to the realization that i will no longer see her everyday. That child has been the only reason I have stayed this long. The wife has always said I am a lousy husband but a great father. Still I know my life will be so much better away from my wife. I hope to have a future with this other woman. I just find it so hard to break away from my daughter. It kills me to think I will not see her everyday. Any thoughts? Am i doing the right thing?"

I just skimmed your post a few thoughts popped up for me.  Please understand that I hold no judgements for your and your situations, there are just a few questions that come to mind.
1. In the quote above it almost seems as if you are in an "either or" frame of mind in regards to your daughter and your current companion.  Perhaps there is an "out of the box" solution to this.  Why do you need to break away from your daughter?  Maybe you will not be their physically everyday, but you can certainly let her know that you are always available.  Please consider that she is quickly approaching puberty (scary i know, i have twin daughers) and that her relationship with her father will largely determine how she relates to men and boys.  This is probably especially a concern to you as it seems you wouldn't be ok with a repeat of Mom's teen behaviors or yours (affair). 

2.I am just curious. Why did you agree to have invitro and a child with a women that you were so disappointed with that you couldn't even sleep with her? (Again no judgement just curious :)

3.The people that challenge us the most and "push our buttons" are supposed to be our opportunites to learn something about ourselves. Liken to living mirrors that reflect parts of us that we don't want to look at.  Maybe you don't find any truth to this in your situation, but if you did contemplate it what would be the lesson?
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 09, 2008 - 10:55AM #4
sharon_bivens
Posts: 658
I see no hope of forgiveness for your wife.  You paint a very ugly picture of her.  But, you have stayed with her for many years.
I believe her life must be a very sad one.

You try very hard to paint a brilliant picture of yourself, but underneath it all you are a married man having an affair.

Is one person better than another person?  You asked this woman to marry you knowing her past, and now you spit her past at her.  (?)

___

Happy,

God has given us all free will.  He does not pick our  mates, we do.  People try to say God is to blame whenever they have a problem in their life or in their relationships, but if they think back they themselves are the ones who made the move.

-----

I hate that you feel your child is a problem.  I hope you two can
live in peace and raise your child to love both parents after your divorce.

Good luck,

Sharon
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