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Switch to Forum Live View Divorcing & leaving my 2 adult children?
6 years ago  ::  Jul 06, 2008 - 12:10PM #1
terry002
Posts: 1
I have been married for nearly 25 years.  The past several years I have learned that I love my husband but I am no longer in love with him.  We have had so much happen in our lives and with our children that it would have broken up even the best of marriages.

I just don't think that I can take living this lie anymore.  I am seriously considering filing for divorce.  If I do, I would move to another state to take care of my aging mother and be closer to my immediate family.  My fear is this.  I have 2 children, ages 22 & 18 as well as a 5 month old granddaughter.  My 18 year old daughter, her boyfriend and their baby live at home with us.  My kids have seen their father's unhappiness in life in general.  My fear is leaving them.  My daughter especially needs me to help her.  She may come with me but that would mean her boyfriend would have to leave HIS family.  His mother, after having 5 boys, is very attached to the baby.

Also, I am worried financially how this will affect me.  We live well & I have never wanted for anything for a very long time.

If my husband were to come home today and tell me that he wanted a divorce, I would be okay with that.  I would move on.  So why am I feeling so torn up about asking for a divorce and more importantly, am I destroying my children's lives?  I am very torn.
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 06, 2008 - 12:50PM #2
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Terry2-
[QUOTE]So why am I feeling so torn up about asking for a divorce [/QUOTE]
You would know better than I, of course, but to speculate, I would guess that you are grieving that your dream for your marriage did not come to pass.
[QUOTE]and more importantly, am I destroying my children's lives? [/QUOTE]
The only way to know the answer to that question is to have a talk with them, I suspect.  However, if you think there's ANY chance of repairing or restoring the marriage, I'd highly recommend that you at least check out the Retrouvaille program, either by googling or visiting www.retrouvaille.org, or both.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 07, 2008 - 2:19PM #3
sharon_bivens
Posts: 658
From your words, I sense your husband is not a bad man, but you are not feeling number one to him.....(?)  We all come to a time when the physical attraction should become a golden glow to just loving and respecting each other.   

Why not take a visit to your mom and your family for a while and see how they are and make sure this is what you really want to do.

25 years is a long time to up and walk away...

Is he unfaithful?Drink? Drugs? 
Mean?  Bitter? Jealous of your famiy? 

I may be wrong, here, but you sound depressed to me.  Perhaps it is watching your 18 year old daughter and boyfriend and child in your home ....(?)  Triggering off emotions inside you! 

God bless,

Sharon
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 12, 2008 - 9:07AM #4
Yodalady_AA
Posts: 291
My marriage has been ...different.  Within weeks of exchanging vows I was hit by a car and life got real different real fast.  That was 15 years ago.   
\ truly have a remarkable husband.   He has stuck by me when most men would have walked.  Inspite of not having a conventional marriage, we keep the romance alive, teasing, laughing and knowing when to give space.  I have to be OK with where I am so he can be OK with where he is.   
We stay in love because we have had several lessons, close up and personal, in : What if ..and know how fast it can be over in this life.   Cherish each other.  And stay friends if you can.   Your kids will survive.  They will not like you for a while.  But you survived their teens, you can survive this.

Anna
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 12, 2008 - 12:07PM #5
divalicious
Posts: 363
[QUOTE=sharon_bivens;609360]From your words, I sense your husband is not a bad man, but you are not feeling number one to him.....(?)  We all come to a time when the physical attraction should become a golden glow to just loving and respecting each other.   

Why not take a visit to your mom and your family for a while and see how they are and make sure this is what you really want to do.

25 years is a long time to up and walk away...

Is he unfaithful?Drink? Drugs? 
Mean?  Bitter? Jealous of your famiy? 

I may be wrong, here, but you sound depressed to me.  Perhaps it is watching your 18 year old daughter and boyfriend and child in your home ....(?)  Triggering off emotions inside you! 

God bless,

Sharon[/QUOTE]

...Blame, blame, blame-  and her sister, guilt.
This was a truly unkind post. One of the worst I have ever seen.

Divalicious
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 12, 2008 - 1:00PM #6
divalicious
Posts: 363
[QUOTE=terry002;607508]I have been married for nearly 25 years.  The past several years I have learned that I love my husband but I am no longer in love with him.  We have had so much happen in our lives and with our children that it would have broken up even the best of marriages.

I just don't think that I can take living this lie anymore.  I am seriously considering filing for divorce.  If I do, I would move to another state to take care of my aging mother and be closer to my immediate family.  My fear is this.  I have 2 children, ages 22 & 18 as well as a 5 month old granddaughter.  My 18 year old daughter, her boyfriend and their baby live at home with us.  My kids have seen their father's unhappiness in life in general.  My fear is leaving them.  My daughter especially needs me to help her.  She may come with me but that would mean her boyfriend would have to leave HIS family.  His mother, after having 5 boys, is very attached to the baby.

Also, I am worried financially how this will affect me.  We live well & I have never wanted for anything for a very long time.

If my husband were to come home today and tell me that he wanted a divorce, I would be okay with that.  I would move on.  So why am I feeling so torn up about asking for a divorce and more importantly, am I destroying my children's lives?  I am very torn.[/QUOTE]



Terry,
Above all listen to your instincts. Not to others, who are quick to throw guilt and blame your way.
Lots of people make choices that rob them of joy, and juicy fulfilling lives. I don't understand their reasons why. But I do know that living requires honesty, and that, authenticity comes with a price tag. Terry, many people come to this fork in the road. The one you are now at.

Some of the questions you should ask yourself, when standing in the middle, are...Has my time in this relationship served it's purpose? Is there a part of me, that I can't reach as long as I continue pretending? Can I bare reprisals from family and friends for re-claiming my life? Is it necessary for me to completely end this relationship, in order for me to be - truly who I am?  What is it really that I desire? What is the 'passion' I let slide while making the deal to be the good wife? Can I make it financially on my own? (Yes. the answer to this question is always, yes) What is it that I hunger for? Who am I to want more? (who are you- to not want more? We don't do the world any favors by keeping ourselves- small)
What is the 'more' I'm looking for.
Can I have the 'more' that I want -in this relationship?

Now, get still, this question is a tough one.
Is there someone out there 'waiting' for me to find them, so I can continue to grow? Be prepared, the answer might take your breath away.

Now for the knowing...Instinctual, come on, you already know that you are not going to destroy your children's lives. You will change, and they will change. Integrity costs.  We sometimes can't see until the change has happened, what all the collateral damage will look like.

Coming clean, and living your truth costs. But integrity is worth every painful loss. Loss is a part of the renewal process. Love is real and it transcends time. The loving you gave in this relationship, your marriage, is not lost- and it was important. But, it is possible that you have simply outgrown each other. Sexual bliss has many phases but it never wanes. Desire changes form, but it is always present, until it isn't needed. You know this in your bones to be true.

Sometimes women try and keep each other in a bad place because that acquiescence of passion was the trade off. Why should you have something different? Well, I am not one of those women. You won't here reprisals from me. Still, I will not tell you to run off and join the circus...unless that was your passion, the one you let go, so long ago.

Your children can handle the changes so can your husband, Did you ever think, for a second, that somewhere out there in this big world - someone else is waiting to find him, to help him grow?

Blessed Be, I am sorry your hurting. I know, you know, the answers are already inside of you.
This forum has a purpose, a good one I think. But, it has a lot of status quo women, so afraid that their own choices were wrong- that they want to keep you from having the courage to do what they could not. I am not one of them.

Divalicious
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 12, 2008 - 5:10PM #7
whichone
Posts: 1,084
Terry,

Your children are adults.  It is time for them to make their own lifes and decisions.  You may be focusing on them inorder to not really think about your own life and choices.  I am not in your shoes, but I question the idea of loving someone and not being in love with them.  Lust ebbs and flows in a relationship, but love is something different.  Are their troubles in your relationship with your husband that you can both work on?  I love and respect my husband, but our relationship goes through cycles.  We always have love and respect for one another, so we work on the rough spots.  If I just had emotional dependence and not love.  I wouldn't work on the rough spots.  If I didn't have respect, I wouldn't work on the rough spots.  Like Dear Abby used to say when a letter writer asked if they should divorce their spouse:  "Would you be better off without them?"
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 12, 2008 - 7:03PM #8
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
WhichOne-
I agree, and you have put it much more mildly and kindly than I would have.

Personally, I have always despised the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" as the WORST kind of cop-out, suitable maybe for juveniles of the George Costanza/Jerry Seinfeld/Elaine Bennis character-types, but most certainly not for any intelligent adult.

The truism "You don't know what you got 'til it's gone" may well apply in her situation, if she follows through with a divorce for trivial reasons; I know of at least 2 women who had done so, regretted their decision to deeply wound and scar the one they once promised to spend the rest of their lives with after 6 months to a year of being separate and finding NO ONE that REMOTELY resembled the quality of character of her ex-husband, then returned, hoping for reconciliation---only to be rejected, and rightfully so.

Hence the advice to seek counsel rather than divorce. 

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 12, 2008 - 8:21PM #9
Indigohills
Posts: 2
Divalicious,

I completely disagree.  Perhaps you are reading more into Sharon's post than there is. I read it and see no reason for the melodramatic response which you made.

Eileen
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 12, 2008 - 10:37PM #10
Greenman
Posts: 18
Terry,
This isn't the right place nor are we the right people to ask such an important question.
That being said might I suggest that you talk to your pastor,  physicians or women's shelter about finding a good family counselor?  Find someone who will listen to you and who will work with you and your husband. Together you should be able to either work things out OR come to an understanding that divorce is the best action. Hopefully the counselor will be able to work with your children. They are part of the problem and the solution.
Good luck, be brave and strong.
Mike
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