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Switch to Forum Live View Divorcing & leaving my 2 adult children?
6 years ago  ::  Jul 13, 2008 - 8:46AM #11
Vanessa86
Posts: 170
To answer your original question, would you be ruining your children's lives, the answer is, in all likelihood, no. You'd be changing their lives, yes. With the demise of your marriage, they would have to do some serious soul-searching and grieving and maybe some questioning of whether their visions of marriage were all a lie. So, serious issues, and bound to stir up some painful emotions. OTOH, if your kids watch you living a half-life, that will also stir up some pain and a lot of guilt when they learn you are denying yourself for their sakes.

IMHO, if your marriage is really and truly dead, don't live a lie. I speak as the daughter of a couple who divorced after 43 years of marriage. First, my mom stayed married for the sake of us kids. Then she stayed married for the sake of her grandchild (my niece) whose parents were very unstable and who divorced when she was just 2.  My folks briefly split in 1996, then went to counseling and reconciled, then, after my dad stopped going to counseling, saw their marriage go back to exactly where it had been. When my niece finally graduated from college, mom made her move. It was difficult for her to walk away from the very comfortable home they had built, but, as she said at age 67, "I don't know how many years I have left, and I don't want to spend them with the same unhappiness I've felt all these years." 

To which, I say "Amen."

My own story: Married 6.5 years, and was having doubts within a couple of months of the vows. But I grimly stuck it out, because, I had made a vow to myself and to God, and I couldn't bring myself to break it. Finally, after a lot of soul-searching and emotional numbness and then pain, I concluded God couldn't possibly want me to spend the rest of my life in misery.
My story has a happy ending, too: I am now happily married to a wonderful man who has all the qualities I could possibly want in a life partner.

Best wishes to you as you make what can only be a very difficult decision. I have been there; I know it hurts. But it will get better.
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 13, 2008 - 6:00PM #12
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
terry002,

Welcome to the Divorce & Separation Forum!  As you have already seen, there are many caring members here who are happy to share their thoughts and feedback.  You have also seen that there is a range of opinions, which is why this can be a very useful place to pose this kind of question.  Take what seems right to you, and leave the rest.

I do recommend that you consider Hatman's suggestion in his first post regarding Retrouvaille.  I have firsthand knowledge of this remarkable program, and it has provided thousands of couples in your situation with the means to rediscover the love in their marriages.  Also consider carefully those who have shared about the "love but not 'in love'" myth.  The fact is that nearly all long-term relationships go through periods such as you describe.  And statistically second marriages fare much worse than first ones - it is very likely that the same dynamics that have led your marriage to reach this point will also be present in any future relationship.  The thought that there is that magic someone "out there" is also, imo, another myth.

Please know that you are completely okay regardless of what you choose.  It makes so much sense to want to leave your marriage when it seems so hopeless.  Anyone who tries to pull some kind of guilt trip is only projecting their own fears and issues onto you - don't buy it!  It is not at all a simple or straightforward decision to make.  Consider though how things might be if your relationship with your husband was the kind you desire so badly - and whether it is truly impossible to find that with him.

I wish you all the best in this difficult time.

Blessings,
ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce & Separation
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 14, 2008 - 11:53PM #13
BethK
Posts: 286
The children are certainly not the problem, nor the solution.  The issue is between you and your spouse.  Will you be impacting your children's lives?  Of course - but that cannot be held in your decision.  Whatever you choose - stay open and honest with your children to a point.  Even with adult children, having one parent talk down about the other is never helpful in any situation.  My parents divorced after 27 years.  I was 24 at the time and remember every moment like it was yesterday.  It rocked my world and that of my 2 sisters - and just about everyone else who knew my parents.  My dad talked too much and my mom too little.  The hardest part of it all was my mom exiting being a mom for about 7 years after the divorce.  I know she was in pain and was an emotional train wreck but we needed to know she was going to be okay.  You need to do what you need to do, just be sensitive to what your children need from you and your spouse as well.  They will need reassurances that life is not ending, just a marriage.
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 16, 2008 - 3:20AM #14
CommieJesus
Posts: 276
I cannot tell you what to do, in terms of the marriage but rest assured children, if adults can handle it. The question is - can you? Are you afraid to be lonely or admit to faiure? It is all the questions you can find answer to with some good couseling or therapist. We (on the net) simply unable to help, sorry.
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 16, 2008 - 3:20AM #15
CommieJesus
Posts: 276
I cannot tell you what to do, in terms of the marriage but rest assured children, if adults can handle it. The question is - can you? Are you afraid to be lonely or admit to faiure? It is all the questions you can find answer to with some good couseling or therapist. We (on the net) simply unable to help, sorry.
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 18, 2008 - 1:39AM #16
professionalNUDGE
Posts: 1
Terry,
To answer your question about what to do, the answer will reveal itself.  In the meantime, you can re-look at your marriage.  Try listing all the good and useful things about your husband.  That might help balance things a little.  Know also that not being "in love" with your mate is perfectly fine.  The issue for you is does he provide you with your basic needs in relationship (see my journal post on "How do you feel loved?," for an example).   You have much work to do mostly by yourself, but much with your husband to find a solution that works for everyone.  Asking the questions you are asking at this time given your situation is also a normal thing in marriages.  Keep being curious and the answer will come to you.
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