It's very interesting what you said about it being "HER" anger as I've told friends and family she seemed sooooooo angry with me at the time she ended it and it has confused me incredibly as I often wonder what I did to her. her reaction was akinn to that of a person someone had did something horrible too.  Even if she just wasn't in love with me and realized it, which at that point is still hard for me to understand, the anger, coldness, lack of any compassion about it, was so shocking I almost didn't know how to react about it at all. I was literally shocked, dumbfounded at the meanness and to this day have no idea what was going on inside her. The confusion it has left me with, confusion over what love and trust are, and that someone could be this shallow, someone I thought I knew for five years, has scarred me very badly.

Thanks Hartman,

"I'd even go so far as to say that the script playing in her head was a self-fulfilling prophecy, and you just happened to be the actor she chose to play the bad guy so her story would come out "true." That's HER crap, not yours, and you don't have to own it."


What you said about the script playing in her head is kind of profound. I've often thought the same thing. I'd try to talk to her about something, for example she brought up a prenup with another couple who were "my" friends I'd introduced her to at dinner after a few glasses of wine. I was offended and shocked as she'd never mentioned it to me ( and she wasn't a millionaire or anything). I'd been with her five years and was with her when neither of us had much to our name at all. The next day I tried to discuss it with her, I certainly didn't want her to have those kind of fears going into our marriage,as well it was pretty innapropriate to bring up to my friends.

She didn't want to discuss it, kind of lead into an argument to end it, then would say all we do is argue. It was unendingly frustrating for me.

Another time, at my first opportunity to discuss why she did not want to get married, early in the discussion she said there is nothing to talk about before I even knew why she was ending it. This  started a brief a argument, and immediatley she threatened to call the cops, we'd never had an act of violence in our relationship on either of our parts for the entire five years, nor  at this point, and I was dumbfounded as to where she was going with this.... cops? I actually told her to call them and tell them we were arguing because I knew I had done nothing wrong.

We'd never really argued much at all over five years,  and it wasn't a relationship with violence, cops or anyhting like this drama. All of the arguments we had were in the end. And then it was "all we do is argue".

Now I am kind of seeing what you mean by a self fullfilling prophecy or script of her own. It seems she had to somehow make me the badguy in all of this.

I try to think about and do other things, but it hurts trying so hard, caring so much for the relationship, when she was making it impossible. The script thing seems so true, what I cannot understand is why someone would do this after putting money down for a wedding, sending out notices to family, and buying a house...... it has caused us both alot of complications and cost us both a lot of money. Five years together, you would think they'd know beforehand.

But thank you for your support, I am trying my best.  And by no means am I trying to bash my ex, I still care for her. I am just providing details to try and understand better what I was involved in and how/why it h as affected me this way, I haven't been able to move on in over a year with at least some understanding. This forum has already been very helpful. Thanks.

Ah, but what I want to know is if you've ever made a parachute for your kitestring before!

But count your blessings; you could've married this nut, and THEN been taken to the cleaners even worse.

Though you've lost the woman, don't lose the lessons, especially about how to protect yourself, your heart, your assets, your a**...otherwise, you're liable to repeat the pattern, yourself.  Until the vows are exchanged, it's best to always get things in writing, ESPECIALLY if the gal says "Don't you trust me?"  "Not 'til we're committed, dear."  Money---or the potential to obtain some kind of gain or financial advantage---is one of the main 4 reasons why relationships fail(the others are usually sex, power, and children, as well as how all of the foregoing interrelate).

You may even wish to visit www.divorcecare.com, find out if there's a meeting near you, and go; surely someone there will have had a similar situation, at least in part.

I admire your tenacity and desire to understand, but with some people, it's just best to move on and NOT try; they're simply too damaged, and in too much denial to do anything about it.  They have to hit bottom on their own, have to realize that what they have in their heads regarding the word "successful" is not a win-win game, but a win-lose one, with you cast in the role of "loser."  I can virtually guarantee you that since she was "successful" in gaining a financial windfall from you, she will go on to attempt to run the same game on the next guy...people tend to find what "works" for them, no matter how selfish and immature, then stick with that plan until it no longer gets them what they think they want.

Consider, too, that even if you DID come to a place where you totally understood her self-and-other-destructive behavior---what good would that do you?  You can never make anyone change.   About the best you hope for after leading them to the water is to make them thirsty, 'cause you shore cain't make 'em drink.

"A man convinced against his will is of his own opinion still," and this applies even more so with women, imho.

Warmest regards-

Hatman

Ok, so what I am learning from these posts that is helping me heal is that what I've experienced is somewhat normal for going through a traumatic situation, which is very helpful. Not understanding why I've had these type of what I'd consider severe reactions and changes in myself has been very confusing and concerning to me, especially at my age, and the longer they've lasted the more concerning and depressing it's been.... a vicious cycle. As well as knowing who and how I was able to function in the past, I've been extremely hard on myself, and had a hard time accepting that I am now changed. These effects have made me question all kinds of things about myself, some good to learn from, and others damaging to me and blaming myself. Some of which came from my ex, in the end she was constantly telling me I had all kinds of issues and problems for being hurt the way I was, it was just a breakup and so forth. My feelings for her were such that I was in "shock and awe" mode, emotionally wide open, vulnerable, and in total trust, which is how I believe one should be on the cusp of marriage. For it to turn into anger and meanness from her at that time, I was still wide open and I took every word to heart and it hit very hard.

For some reason though I do find some healing in understanding her as it helps me to not blame myself for everything, which was basically what she did in the end as well. Again I took it all to heart. I was so weakened, confused and shocked emotionally that I had no defenses  even internally for myself, I guess I thought if she is treating me like this it must be true.

I've had my heart broken before, even had a broken engagement, and never did it affect me like this. I've also realized I made the hugest emotional investment in faith of our lives together in this one than I did in any other via the house and how much emotional, physical work, and time I put into it, as well as the wedding, the detailed talks of planning a family and so forth. It was not like a breakup of a bf/gf years before engagement, or a couple who'd been married, tried and it didn't work, it was in the middle of the happiest time of my life, turned into a nightmare before it even happened. I can only guess that is why the pain ran so much deeper, along with how she had little respect or understanding for that depth of emotional investment. What hatman said about the fibers being ripped away, rang so true.

I have tried so many of the things hatman suggested over the past year, used them successfully in the past, however this time they have not worked so well, so I guess their was a step in the process I was missing before I could get to those things. But I am trying, as well seeing a psychoanalist.

So I am understanding more and more that I am normal, as normal can be, and that helps very much.

To totally not think of her, while still being in love with her, is the hugest challenge. In essence, I do not feel free, stuck in a corner with these feelings which I wish would go away, so I can forget and move on. I've learned emotions and love, once deep within you, are not as easy to let go of as a choice, and that is what I'm trying to find my way out of.

Tpop-
Yeah, what dreamhealth said; from my observation, psych docs have a vested interest in NOT curing you or helping you to heal yourself, for as long as you think you're sick, you're putting meat on their table.

As far as dealing with memories of the ex go, it might be helpful to begin by pitying her; the eventual goal could be somewhat akin to "thanks for the memories and lessons."

For me, the anger at the betrayal is the hardest to get past.  I had to feel it deeply, then release it to God before I was free of it.  And even today, if I find myself beginning to dwell on the situation(s), I will begin to become just as angry as I was in the original circumstances---so I simply turn my attention elsewhere, maybe breathing deeply while doing so.  Ever hear "What you put your attention on, grows"?  True, dat; so while reflection can be good if you're combing through for the lessons so you can move on, reflection combined with wistfulness and longing what what was and can never be is the road to melancholy, depression, and perhaps even death, in extreme cases.  Better to carpé deum, eh?

At a certain point for me, I was inspired to sort through all my past memories, sort them into "usuable" and "unusable," then take the unusable ones and put them into an "irrelevant" box while I took what WAS usable and put it toward visualizing and accomplishing goals, however simple at first.  Small successes are the necessary precursors to larger ones, and neglecting the small things means that you will also fail, little by little.

So, take joy in the little things, and know that each success will build toward greater ones, and any failures are also blessings that teach you a better way, as long as you're willing to persevere.

And yeah, just like a youth can fall out of a tree, break his arm, and go out playing in a day or two, when 40 or 50 year olds fall out of the SAME tree, it can take MONTHS, if not YEARS to heal; age teaches caution, prudence, and discretion, if nothing else, for it takes longer to heal the older we get, don't it?

Warmest regards-

Hatman