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Switch to Forum Live View I thought I could get over it by myself, but I can't.....
7 years ago  ::  May 14, 2008 - 9:23PM #1
nextel
Posts: 2
I have known a this man for 5 years. During the time I knew him he was getting out of a relationship with a woman he had children with. I refused to date him because I did not want to be hurt. He got out of the relationship and I would still speak to him but did not have "relations" with him. I liked him but wanted him to heal but then suddenly he was married to someone else a year after getting out. I was hurt and stopped communication with him. After a year of his marriage, he started calling me and I would not entertain any conversation about being together. He confessed that he rushed and should not have gotten married. I heard him and did not do anything.

Fastforward, end of last year/ to this year, he filed for divorce and we started dating. Everything was fine for 7 months. He did tell me during this time that he wanted to date and I agreed. As we continued dating, our feelings got stronger and he opened up to tell me how he felt about me. He told me that he was in love with me but because of his children, he needed to take things in stride. I accepted.

By the 8th month, he told me that after how much he had to part with in his last 2 relationships, he could not afford another financial loss and needed to think hard. He told me that he cannot promise to marry me in the next 9 months because he wants to settle his children and take care of them (and I agreed with him). He told me that he was not saying that it would never happen but right now, he did not know.

It was hard to hear those words but I took it as a mature woman and understood where he was coming from.  One of the things he said to me was that he needed to take a step back so that he could stop hurting others.

So basically he took his promise back to marry me after all the discussions.  The worst things about the conversation is that it was done over the phone.  And did not stay true to his word to call me back that evening to discuss further. 

As I write on here seeking advice, a point of view or comfort, I dont know what to do.  I have loved this man for such a long time and the thought of not being with him kills me inside. When he got married, I was devastated and then this.....I don't know.  Why am I paying the price for the mistakes other women have made?  Granted he was rushed into both relationships, but he came after me.  I had been celibate for 5 years because I remembered how heart broken I was when my that relationship ended.  He assured me he would not break my heart because he really wanted to be with me.  I took his word. 

The pain inside me hurts.  I called a counseling service and my appointment is Friday evening.  I thought he cared about me.  I thought he loved me.  He knew my fear, and he turned out to be my nightmare.  I have not heard from him.  I have not called him.  If nothing else, at least he owed me an in person apology.  Instead he shut the door and has moved on to doing whatever. 

I dont know how to handle this anymore.  I keep crying, can't eat.  The only time I am fine is when I am at work.  At some point I have to come home and its hard.  The minute I get home, I just cry.   I have no one to talk to.  I dont know what to do.  I have looked into dance classes to keep busy, but the sessions don't start until July.  My heart pains from the sudden change in feelings and then the inconsideration for the way he has handled things.

I wish I could turn the clock back and stayed single.  I was so happy at the time and within a short space of time, someone robbed my happiness.  I am down on my knees praying for this pain to go away and find a way to find myself again.
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7 years ago  ::  May 14, 2008 - 11:00PM #2
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

nextel wrote:

I have known a this man for 5 years. During the time I knew him he was getting out of a relationship with a woman he had children with. I refused to date him because I did not want to be hurt.


Smart.

He got out of the relationship and I would still speak to him but did not have "relations" with him.

Also smart.

I liked him but wanted him to heal but then suddenly he was married to someone else a year after getting out. I was hurt and stopped communication with him.

So he betrayed you.

After a year of his marriage, he started calling me and I would not entertain any conversation about being together. He confessed that he rushed and should not have gotten married. I heard him and did not do anything.

Still smart.

Fastforward, end of last year/ to this year, he filed for divorce and we started dating.

Not to jump your case, but it would've been smarter here to await the formal presentation of his final divorce decree before dating him...and then, call the courthouse to be certain that indeed, one DID take place.

Everything was fine for 7 months. He did tell me during this time that he wanted to date and I agreed.

So you started dating him exclusively, and he wanted to continue to have sex with as many women as would let him?  And you signed on for this?  Or did you believe that "dating" meant that he would date only you?

As we continued dating, our feelings got stronger and he opened up to tell me how he felt about me. He told me that he was in love with me

At this point---with two failed relationships and 2 children(3? 4?) behind him---it may have been a very good idea to ask him what love meant to him, what it felt like, and how love acts in scenario a), b), c) etc.---and maybe ask him, too, what examples of love he saw when growing up, and why those felt like love to him.

but because of his children, he needed to take things in stride. I accepted.

So he started making excuses, and you were ok with that...or didn't ask what "taking things in stride" meant to him.  Understandable, though---I suspect that you trusted him at this point.

By the 8th month, he told me that after how much he had to part with in his last 2 relationships, he could not afford another financial loss and needed to think hard.

Well, better late than never; what made him think that marrying you would be a "financial loss," do you think?

He told me that he cannot promise to marry me in the next 9 months because he wants to settle his children and take care of them (and I agreed with him). He told me that he was not saying that it would never happen but right now, he did not know.

Ever hear the expression "run game up under her"?  Why in 9 months, too, I wonder...curious time-frame.  Did one of his "dates" on the side tell him she was pregnant?

It was hard to hear those words but I took it as a mature woman and understood where he was coming from.  One of the things he said to me was that he needed to take a step back so that he could stop hurting others.

Well, the words sound good, don't they?  Very reasonable, very hurtful.

So basically he took his promise back to marry me after all the discussions.

He promised to marry you?  Did he ask, did he present a ring? 

The worst things about the conversation is that it was done over the phone.

Ouch!  A coward, too?

And did not stay true to his word to call me back that evening to discuss further. 

And the integrity factor adds a piece to the puzzle...

As I write on here seeking advice, a point of view or comfort, I dont know what to do. 

As counterintuitive as it may feel right now, please count your blessings, then REJOICE!  Give thanks to God that you did not hitch your wagon to his star, and soon have naught to show for it but "ex-wife #3."

I have loved this man for such a long time and the thought of not being with him kills me inside.

And he, no doubt, saw and felt exactly how much you loved him, and used that to get what he wanted.

When he got married, I was devastated and then this.....I don't know.

Yeah, betrayals do grow old, but no less painful...do they?

Why am I paying the price for the mistakes other women have made?

So he wasn't responsible for either of his previous relationships failing?  But that's not what you're paying the price for; you're paying this price because---despite how smart you were---he was able to take advantage of the fact that he knew you wanted him and waited for him---and DID take that advantage.

Granted he was rushed into both relationships, but he came after me.

And rushed into that one, too; he certainly doesn't sound quite fully cooked, to me, i.e. immature.

I had been celibate for 5 years because I remembered how heart broken I was when my that relationship ended.

Wait a minute; are you saying that once he left baby momma #1 and met you, you carried a torch for him all those years, instead of getting some dating/relationship experience?

He assured me he would not break my heart because he really wanted to be with me.  I took his word.

And this is why I  regularly counsel women to test, test,  test again---then test some more.  Men can be deceitful little slugs, can't they?

The pain inside me hurts.

I'm sorry.  I hate to see anyone in pain, especially the devastating pain that comes from longing for someone or something for many years---then getting it(them) and finding out that the wanting was far better than the having.

I called a counseling service and my appointment is Friday evening.

That's excellent.  Talk your heart out.  Cry.  Rage.  Punch stuff, if you need to.  Cry some more. Then, go out on some dates.

I thought he cared about me.  I thought he loved me. 

"The triumph of hope over experience."  This sentence often accurately describes a remarriage---or "rebound guy/gal".

He knew my fear, and he turned out to be my nightmare.

Give thanks that the nightmare has ended, and you have awakened.

I have not heard from him.  I have not called him.  If nothing else, at least he owed me an in person apology.  Instead he shut the door and has moved on to doing whatever. 

How long has it been, now, since this coward last called?  But good on you for having the strength of character to NOT call or contact HIM.

I dont know how to handle this anymore.  I keep crying, can't eat.

It's ok.  Deep wounds take a long time to heal, and even when they do, they often leave scars that are quite sensitive.  Be kind to yourself, when you can.

The only time I am fine is when I am at work.

Glad you are maintaining there.

At some point I have to come home and its hard.  The minute I get home, I just cry.   I have no one to talk to. 

Sounds like you need to make some friends.

I dont know what to do.  I have looked into dance classes to keep busy, but the sessions don't start until July.

From what you've written, you seem to care a great deal, and have a great deal of love to give.  When you can, or when you want to, get a kitten or a puppy or a bird or even fish; start a garden, even if it is only a few herbs.  Dig some earth, plant some flowers/trees.  Volunteer at a homeless shelter.  Put a pile of change somewhere that only children will find it.  Leave coupons on top of items in a store.  Give your seat to someone else.  Pick up some trash.  Give blood.  Read to a child or elderly man.  Pray.  Ask God for inspiration and sweet dreams.

My heart pains from the sudden change in feelings and then the inconsideration for the way he has handled things.

Someone posted some great advice here recently: "you can never have anything that someone else can take away. "  Cultivate those things that can never be taken from you...or at least plant  some of those seeds.

I wish I could turn the clock back and stayed single. 

Um...I didn't read where you were ever married.

I was so happy at the time and within a short space of time, someone robbed my happiness.

This is one of the unavoidable dangers of sharing your heart fully; guard it more carefully in the future, and realize that if you give someone else the responsibility for making you happy, you have saddled them with a burden impossible to be borne.

I am down on my knees praying for this pain to go away and find a way to find myself again.

The quickest way to find yourself is to stick your hands in your back pockets.(Yeah, I know---I'm a smart a** probably too much.)

Seriously, though, I think a great place to start is to honestly accept your part in this, and to forgive him for the part he played in this drama...and again, thank God you did not hitch your wagon to this loser's star.

Warmest regards-

Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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7 years ago  ::  May 14, 2008 - 11:42PM #3
qtbabe
Posts: 823
Hi Nextel,

I feel your pain while reading your post.  I've been there even though my situation was much different than yours; however, the heartaching that you had described was identical of mine.
It is painful experience to drive on a one way street in a relationship.  I honestly feel that he didn't have the same feeling for you like the way you had felt for him.  I also feel that if he ever had feeling for you, he could have gone for you after his first divorce, but he didn't pursue that road. I'm afraid you were just there for him when his second divorce happened.   I found that divorced men usually are very vulnerable right after their divorces.  They usually fall for someone that accepts them as who they really are. 
I really don't think you're paying for the mistakes that the other women did to him.  IT is himself that genuinly thought about you.  He didn't want to hurt you in a long run.  Men's instinct is very different from women's.  You know they're into you or not in a few seconds.  I believe that he was confused himself and then he confused you with whatever you call as "relationship".
Going back to be happy again......I thought it is a great idea to take dancing lesson.  I would suggest to go to the gym while waiting for the dancing session to start.  Run on treadmill will make you feel better and get worn out then you can go home and sleep instead of crying your heart out.  As time goes by, you will be back to your own feet to dance and happy.  Talking to a shrink will help too (at the mean time to get those poison thoughts out of your system) but I found that it's harder to forget the pain if you keep talking about him or that relationship and discuss about it  and then wondering what had happened and what you did wrong....etc.
Hang on here this B'net and read other's posts, you will feel better (b/c your situation is not that bad compared to others).  I actually found this forum when I was in your shoes.  As I feel better and found my happiness, I couldn't bare myself to read other's posts or advices from this forum so I barely visit here.....

I wish you the best of luck
QT:)
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7 years ago  ::  May 15, 2008 - 9:19AM #4
KatherineOrthodixie
Posts: 3,689
[QUOTE=nextel;500132]Why am I paying the price for the mistakes other women have made?[/QUOTE]


You're not paying the price for the mistakes other women have made. It's not them - it's him. You're paying the price for being involved with a man who doesn't love you as you deserve to be loved, who doesn't value promises or commitment.
“The Law of the Church is to give oneself to what is given not to seek one’s own.” Fr. Alexander Schmemann
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