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6 years ago  ::  Nov 28, 2008 - 8:24PM #11
happyhour
Posts: 5
Hatman,
DAH54 and
Arnie

Thank You so very much for your thoughts and interpretations.

Yesterday, being thanksgiving...i invited my ex over to share w/ our kids this dinner.
he declined and went to mutual friends instead.
the friends also called me so i abliged and went over for dessert and celebration.
we were amicable, however i couldnt help notiicing that i attempted to communicate with him while he kepts his replys short. and made no other attempts to communicate with me.  he was polite and nice however, once again this proves my co-dependency of needing his acknowledgment.  i went home thinking and pondering why he acted this way and how questioned how i acted.  this is what i mean by saying i am co-dependent.
i should NOT worry about what he thinks or what other people think.  i should just enjoy myself, and all the folly that my life brings. 

what is one point from each of you that i should say to myself to remind me to now worry about what others think.
or one quote you know that i can pin up on my mirror...monitor...forehead...to repeat until i believe it.

thank you very much.
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 29, 2008 - 1:52AM #12
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
happyhour-
[QUOTE]what is one point from each of you that i should say to myself to remind me to now worry about what others think.
or one quote you know that i can pin up on my mirror...monitor...forehead...to repeat until i believe it.

thank you very much.[/QUOTE]

Don't know if I HAVE a snappy line or concise sentence for you; I do have some advice, though:
As soon as you can, think better of yourself and your decisions.

Sorry your husband was such a jackass yesterday; another poster around here, bob185, was not only not invited to Thanksgiving, but informed that his ex's new bf and HIS child would be there, along with bob's daughters, and he was pointedly NOT invited---a mean little spiteful dig, don't you think?
But personally, I don't think it advantageous to ALWAYS and FOREVER try to remain unaffected by the words or opinions of others; taking a stance like that could serve only to eternally maintain ignorance.

There's nothing wrong with being sensitive to other's feelings, to care about them; just listen to all the advice and gather all the information relevant to the subject at hand, make up your mind, and stick with it until new and irrefutable information can be accepted.

I wish I was capable of always applying the following criteria before I open my fat yap, but the following is a good general outline, maybe something to strive for:

"Is it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?  Does it improve upon the silence?"

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 29, 2008 - 12:20PM #13
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
happyhour,

Here's a simple practice that can help buildup your own esteem, which in turn will help decrease worrying about what others think of you.

The sentence is this:

"I, , am now and always been ________________"

Speak this sentence out loud and substitute each of the following words:

Precious
Good Enough
Worthy
Lovable
Deserving
Wonderful
Whole
Valuable
Loving
Desirable

Add any words you like along the same lines.

So, start by saying "I, , am now and have always been precious."  Then say it with "good enough," etc. (Use your actual name of course)!

As you say each one, notice which ones you have the most difficulty saying or maybe "cringe" the most at saying out loud.  The one you have most difficulty with will be the one you use in your affirmation.  Write that one down and put in on your mirror, your monitor, etc.  Write it on a card and carry it around.

Every day say it out loud at least 20 times until you can say it without your inner voice objecting or naysaying it.  Say it in a loud, clear voice.  When you can say it without cringing, move to another word - "lather, rinse, repeat!"

If you have difficult saying it, try writing it down at least 20 times each day until you can start saying it out loud.

These are all God-given qualities we each possess, and fully accepting them about ourselves is part of what allows us to function in healthy ways in relationships.  Codependence comes in when we try to obtain these inherent truths about ourselves from others.  If you truly know that you are precious and valuable, then you can be more clear and objective about processing difficult situations, and take them less personally.  It will be easier to accept the fact that all criticism you hear is not about you bout about the pain of the one who is criticizing.

Blessings,
Arnie
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 26, 2008 - 4:37PM #14
DAH54
Posts: 3,318
He gave you a test and you flunked it.

He told you to go away, and you went. You decided he wasn't worth fighting for anymore. You rejected him. So he is prideful. And he is upset. And most likely you are right. You can choose to remain away, and win the battle, while losing the marriage. Do you love him still? Does he love you? You can risk rejection and perhaps save your marriage. I don't know. The cost of rejection is IMHO far less than the cost of a good divorce... Perhaps, just perhaps it is worth considering the cost of proving you are just as prideful as him?




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6 years ago  ::  Nov 28, 2008 - 3:06PM #15
DAH54
Posts: 3,318

Chanel wrote:

I'm about to start divorce proceedings because I'm just tired.


Probably not one of the better reasons to start a divorce, depending on just what you mean by tired...

Chanel wrote:

About 2 years after we got married we got costody of his then 17 year old daughter. she came with lots of emotional scars and I did my best to be a true mother to her however, my spouse did nothing to help.


Absolutes such as this statement are a great way to enable your self to leave a marriage. They seldom are an honest evaluation, why do you need to exaggerate the situation?

Chanel wrote:

I was hospitalized and on my release, my doctor told me to get the family to do more so I could do less. I had been doing all the cooking, laundry, & ironing for everyone. My spouse promised to help but didn't. Ouch!


So you did what? Continued to do his laundry & ironing? As well as your step daughter's laundry and ironing? Continued to cook for everyone?

Chanel wrote:

We had to take in 2 grandsons so our finances were really being stretched. I started an online business to help us financially and my spouse let it fail.


You started it? You ran it? You were in charge? And your husband let it fail? It really sounds like you don't respect your husband very much?

Chanel wrote:

Why? It wasn't HIS idea. (That's what he said!). There's never any productive dialogue because he rarely talks. He's happy to just work, watch TV, and eat.


Then you don't know how to communicate in a language he understands. You have failed to learn how to set boundaries that are realistic and enforce them. You will not fix this by exchanging your husband for a new and improved model. This is truly a skill you need to learn....

Chanel wrote:

I've only been married about 7 years and this is my first marriage. He's been married twice before.


Well this is the marriage you find yourself in at the moment and focusing on his faults, will not help this marriage. You can not change him in ways that you desire. You can hope to change you, and learn the skills that allows you to have a happy marriage. You are teaching people how to treat you daily by the things that you accept. There are issues of power and just who is in charge in your relationship. You need to learn how to correctly address these issues, before you will find happiness.

Chanel wrote:

I want out! I've gone back to school and am 7 classes away from my B.A. in Business Admin. and I work a full time job. I understand working together and through rough times but this is more than just the times being rough. Tell me what you think, please?!?


I think you need to take an honest hard look at yourself. I think you need to address the less than fully truthful things you maybe telling yourself, and the real reasons why you are telling yourself these things. I think you need to learn how to fight effectively, not just hurtfully. If your husband "loses" the fight then the marriage loses as well. You need to find the way in which both you and your husband can win. Perhaps you both need to decide what is important winning the fight and being right tonight, or the marriage?



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