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Switch to Forum Live View When/How did you know it was over?
6 years ago  ::  Nov 20, 2008 - 9:55PM #1
Ceren
Posts: 1,430
Hello,
I've been married for 3 years now and it's been really challenging from the beginning.

My husband is an amazing man but we just don't get along. He brings the worst out of me and I bring the worst out of him.

We've been trying to make it better but it just hasn't improved. We're going to counseling but we haven't gone for too long.

So I was wondering... how did you know your marriage was beyond repair?

And... what are the things that you think are deal-breakers?

All the best,
Ceren
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 20, 2008 - 10:10PM #2
scared4
Posts: 16
Just so you know where I come from, I am a Christian and believe that marriage is for life. I truly believe that you should do EVERYTHING in your power to work it out. I have a few suggestions, http://www.retrouvaille.org/, go see the movie Fireproof (together if possible, but alone if necessary), get the book from the movie "The Love Dare", I also recommend the books, "For Women Only", by Shaunti Feldhahn, and "The Five Love Languages", by Gary Chapman.
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 20, 2008 - 9:55PM #3
Ceren
Posts: 1,430
Hello,
I've been married for 3 years now and it's been really challenging from the beginning.

My husband is an amazing man but we just don't get along. He brings the worst out of me and I bring the worst out of him.

We've been trying to make it better but it just hasn't improved. We're going to counseling but we haven't gone for too long.

So I was wondering... how did you know your marriage was beyond repair?

And... what are the things that you think are deal-breakers?

All the best,
Ceren
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 20, 2008 - 10:10PM #4
scared4
Posts: 16
Just so you know where I come from, I am a Christian and believe that marriage is for life. I truly believe that you should do EVERYTHING in your power to work it out. I have a few suggestions, http://www.retrouvaille.org/, go see the movie Fireproof (together if possible, but alone if necessary), get the book from the movie "The Love Dare", I also recommend the books, "For Women Only", by Shaunti Feldhahn, and "The Five Love Languages", by Gary Chapman.
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 21, 2008 - 6:16AM #5
skinman
Posts: 37
So sorry to hear your going through all of this... your in my thoughts... I guess for me was when my wife of close to 16 years asked me to move out... out oft the blue oneday she said she needed her "Space" and that she no longer loved me.. That was the day I moved.. since then I have been told many times by her how much she hates me and has for sometime and how I made her life miserable. How she blames me for all of our marriage problems and pretty much everything..........And mind you this has all happened in almost a month.. I am not totaly at the point of giving up on my marriage because after all that she has said and done I still love my wife very much and wish I had my family back........ It has gotten easier to try and accept everything that is going on... Does it still hurt ..... ?  very much so but they keep telling me it will get easier... that is the day that I am looking for...  My thoughts and Prayers are with you both... keep plugging away and take it day by day... Thats the only advice I can give since I am so new at all of this.

God Bless..........
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 21, 2008 - 7:54AM #6
songbird3364
Posts: 1,177
Hi Ceren,
You asked how did you know your marriage was beyond repair?
I knew that my marriage was beyond repair when my husband stonewalled on communication and outright declared that he didn't love me, eventually, five yrs later he left. I do not reccommend living with someone for yrs after they have made up their minds that a relationship is over. In my case, however, it was a battle of wills with my ex-H and myself over who would keep the house and property. Eventually he did leave.

What do I think are deal breakers.
I would think that physical or mental (emotional, verbal) abuse would be. Refusing to communicate, withholding affections. If there are children, not agreeing on how to care for and or dicipline them.

If your spouse still loves you and is open to communicating and cares about your needs and you his , then to me this is half the battle. I wish you the best Ceren.
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 21, 2008 - 4:18PM #7
Ceren
Posts: 1,430
Hello again,
Thank you so much for your input.
Scared4, I ordered the book on Amazon today :)  Unfortunately, the movie is not showing in my city (I live in Canada). I saw the trailer and I think it would be a movie that both my husband and I would enjoy very much.

I am not Christian and in my religion, divorce is allowed. BUT it is "the thing that God allowed that He hates the most". So it should really be used as a last, last last last resort. There are no divorces also in my immediate family, so for me really divorce is not something that I take lightly.

I've read "getting the love you want", and "the seven principles of making marriage work".

I think one of the things that is scaring me the most is that I am almost in my mid-thirties and I have never been pregnant in my life. I am dying to have kids but of course with the state of our marriage, that for now is out of the question.  But on top of that my husband was always very reluctant to having children so I don't even know if he'll ever want to have children.
So what "freaks me out" is that sometimes I think..."what if I stay in this marriage for 3 more years trying to make it better and then it just doesn't get better and then I'll be quite older and God knows if I'll be able to have kids, etc, etc, etc.". So this sense of emergency and a kind of anxiety starts taking a hold of me.

Most of the times I just put things in God's hands and just do my part and pray that God will make whatever is best for me happen.

All the best,
Ceren
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 03, 2008 - 1:29PM #8
tired1
Posts: 79
Asalamu Aleikum Sister Ceren,

I wasn't very good at determining when my marriage was over, but looking back on it now I'd say that if the thought goes thru your head on occasion, that you wish your spouse would just do something bad enough ( or a specifc thing) so that you'd know clearly that it was over, that it's already over. That's not a very good sentence, but say that, after a fight, you think to yourselff "I just wish he'd come out and say that we'll never have children" (assuming that no possiblity of children is a deal-breaker for you) then I'd say there's a good chance the relationship is over. Just my two cents worth.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 05, 2008 - 12:44PM #9
nillawafer
Posts: 587
when he committed suicide.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 05, 2008 - 1:05PM #10
songbird3364
Posts: 1,177
Oh GOD, nilla, I am so sorry for what you have had to go through! Bless your heart.....
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