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Switch to Forum Live View how do you regain trust in a marriage?
6 years ago  ::  May 26, 2008 - 9:54AM #1
janaemommy
Posts: 1
hello all,
this is my first post to beliefnet. i have a question that has plagued me recently. my husband had been emotionally distant for about the past year and i asked him if something was wrong. i thought the problem may have lain with me and any number of perceived imperfections i had. well just recently i found that he had been online on singles sites saying that he was single and actually interacting with different women and giving them his personal email address.
when i confronted him he initially denied it. but when he thought that i would end our marriage over this he quickly apologized saying that he ended all his internet activities(i checked and he had). now he is walking around on eggshells and trying hard to make me happy. we also have five children between us that would be hurt if we were to split. i guess my question is what now? i honestly never thought that this would be an issue that we would have to deal with, so i was a little blindsided. how do i trust him again? anyone who has gone through anything similar and made it through to the other side please let me know.
thanks.
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6 years ago  ::  May 30, 2008 - 3:37PM #2
desperatelee
Posts: 22
well good luck, im praying for ya. my boyfriend doesnt trust me because i hurt him, not by cheating or on the internet but by having a arguing nature and he just doesnt know if he can go through it with me again and ask we speak he is on his way over to go to a councelor and im scared to death im gonna get ganged up on i dont know what to do or even say when i see him, we love eachother very much and he said hed try and put his best foot forward but im lost
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6 years ago  ::  May 31, 2008 - 11:46AM #3
wenor
Posts: 1
My marriage ended because my husband could not say he was sorry or give up a relationship so the trust in our marriage was forever broken. What helped me to see that it was over was reading the book "After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful" by Janis Abrahms Spring. It not only validates the many emotions you may be going through, but it also has very clear steps that need to be taken in order to rebuild trust. I have known marriages that have survived affairs but it takes a lot of work and commitment from both parties. One person alone cannot save a relationship.
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6 years ago  ::  Jun 14, 2008 - 9:25PM #4
beliefgirl4908
Posts: 1
Hello, I was sorry to hear about the situation of your husband. But as long as he has corrected his error, and he also asked for forgiveness. Everything should be back on course, right? Our Father in Heaven told us that we should forgive one another 70x7 times a day. I suppose that includes your husband, right? When I think about what His Son did for me on the Cross I have no problem forgiving my husband for not being Perfect. You promised to Love him through the good and the bad, right? Ok, What's Next? Go Now In Love With and For your husband. Your sister in Christ, Annette; (beliefgirl4908)
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 17, 2008 - 12:06AM #5
bayee
Posts: 9
[QUOTE=janaemommy;524687]hello all,
this is my first post to beliefnet. i have a question that has plagued me recently. my husband had been emotionally distant for about the past year and i asked him if something was wrong. i thought the problem may have lain with me and any number of perceived imperfections i had. well just recently i found that he had been online on singles sites saying that he was single and actually interacting with different women and giving them his personal email address.
when i confronted him he initially denied it. but when he thought that i would end our marriage over this he quickly apologized saying that he ended all his internet activities(i checked and he had). now he is walking around on eggshells and trying hard to make me happy. we also have five children between us that would be hurt if we were to split. i guess my question is what now? i honestly never thought that this would be an issue that we would have to deal with, so i was a little blindsided. how do i trust him again? anyone who has gone through anything similar and made it through to the other side please let me know.
thanks.[/QUOTE]
Hi Jana,
     If this is all he has done... believe me give him another chance.  I don't know how old he is, but at least he is not going out in the world and actually seeking sexual affairs with other women.  This experiment for him, he can stop if he wants to and is something that in your heart you can forgive him for.  If you both love one another in the eyes of God, he will see you thru it.  The best thing I could suggest is get rid of the internet and he will have no reason to do anything wrong or no excuse to even want to look at other women.  I have been married for 38 years and my husband had had 8 sexual affairs with other women and I still today have problems coping with it.  I have severe depression and do not still trust him around no women at all.  It is hard when you do find out that it actually happened and they lie to you and not positive finding out until just a few months ago.  I initially new, but he would never confess it to me.  It has been a very hard life; so please just get rid of the internet and focus on your husband and children and be happy.  That is what God wants us to do.  I hope this helps and will keep you in my prayers.  God Bless You.
Bessie
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 18, 2008 - 4:56PM #6
croscoteo
Posts: 35
Trust needs to be earned back once it is broken.  His actions will speak louder than words.  A discussion where he expresses how his internet activities made him feel will be good.  Also express to him how those activities made YOU feel.  Explain to him how it hurt you and how it will take some time to re-establish the trust.  If he understands this and is willing to work with you TOGETHER to repair things then you are on the right track.  Personal introspection by both parties to understand why things happened will be beneficial.  Then share what you have discovered and open up the lines of communication between you.
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6 years ago  ::  May 26, 2008 - 10:38AM #7
DAH54
Posts: 3,318
Have you ask him this question? I believe that if he actually acknowledges the wrongness of his actions, and regrets what he has done, he will come up with more than just the "I said I'm sorry what more do you want " line. You are his wife, not his mommy and you can't assume the role of his consciousness. If you attempt this it will shift the balance of power within your marriage, and effect it in negative ways.

From your post, you have a lot of self esteem issues, and likely your husband hasn't worked at lessening them. I believe you and your husband need counseling. If you choose not to love yourself you will make it impossible for anyone else to as well.

Are you the type of person that can put this behind you? Or will this be revisited in every major fight from now until the end of your relationship? If you can not still see value in your husband and worth in him, perhaps a better question to ask is why are you thinking of staying with him?

.

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6 years ago  ::  May 30, 2008 - 3:49PM #8
DAH54
Posts: 3,318
How about, I was wrong, I do not yet understand all the ways I was wrong. I want to change, and I am working on changing. If you can please try to forgive me, and try to give me time to prove that I can change and be less....[FONT=Arial][SIZE=1] and here you fill in the things that you acknowledge you where doing wrong, and are trying to change. [/SIZE][/FONT]

In the counseling session today try your hardest to see it not as being ganged up on, but as simply a chance to see how others perceive you and how you act. If you disagree with their perceptions then try to listen and hear their suggestion on how you can present yourself in a different light. Try your hardest not to listen for things you can prove are wrong, that are said about you. You've acknowledge you where wrong, you will not win him back by proving him wrong about you at this point. You stand a chance by proving you can hear some hurtful things about your past an not respond out of anger to it.

Just my thoughts, feel free to reject them.
Even attempt to suppress your anger, and come back here and vent it later, today and tonight you need to remain calm, at least outwardly

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> Dah's User to User Self Support <

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5 years ago  ::  Sep 29, 2009 - 4:29PM #9
Gator625
Posts: 1

HOW DO I REGAIN MY WIFES TRUST AND SUPPORT. BECAUSE I HAD A AFFAIR AND IM NOT PROUD OF IT AND I DONT WANT A DIVORCE BUT SHE WANT TALK TO ME,SHE WANT EVEN LET ME TALK TO HER ABOUT SO WHAT WOULD BE SOME GOOD ADVICE FOR ME TO DO!

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5 years ago  ::  Sep 29, 2009 - 5:34PM #10
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

There may not be anything you can do about it now. Without communication, there is little chance of healing, and right now it sounds like she is hurting too much by what happened to even consider it. Likely the affair hurt her so deeply that any reminder - such as seeing or speaking with you - just brings it back up again.

However, there is more hope than you might think - although it is a difficult road, it is completely possible for couples to heal from infidelity. It usually requires some kind of outside help. Many couples have found a marriage program like Retrouvaille to be effective at facilitating the healing. Others find marriage counseling to be helpful (although the track record for that is not so good).

In the meantime, it might help to consider the affair a wake up call to your own integrity and do some inner work to come to terms with what happened and some understanding of why you might have chosen to do such a thing. Whether the marriage can be saved or not, that work will do you well, even if it may be a future relationship that will benefit from the experience. What will not work, of course, is being defensive, rationalizing your actions, or in any way trying to justify it.

I wish you all the best in this difficult and painful process.

Arnie

P.S. Please turn off the caps lock on your keyboard - here writing in all capitals is considered SHOUTING.

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