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Switch to Forum Live View Sexless But Not Loveless Marriage
6 years ago  ::  Apr 26, 2008 - 8:42PM #1
DanaC.
Posts: 1
My husband cheated on me with internet porn over 13 years ago. Since then,we have not had any intimate contact at all,  other than kissing.  While he was engaged in this activity he would not touch me, or kiss me and he insulted me on a regular basis. This went on for over a year, ( the porn and all) then I caught him in the act. He was very sorry he said, and I believed him and forgave him, eventually. But I told him I would NEVER make the first move again. And although our marriage has grown and evolved into a real friendship, we have still not had sex with each other in 13 years. To my knowledge he hasn't cheated again and I never have. We have been together for 24 years.  I am still attracted to him, but he will not touch me in that way, and I don't know how to resolve this issue between us. This is the first time I have ever discussed this with anyone other than him. If you have any advice, or a similar incident to relate please let me know. Thank you.
                                                                                                                                                                         DanaC
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6 years ago  ::  Apr 27, 2008 - 1:03AM #2
rosesinjanuary
Posts: 82
Dana
I agree with dah,

I know honey you deserve so much better.
Did u try counseling?
Would your husband be willing to go ?
I strongly recommend that you find a therapist and tell him or her what you have shared with us. You can go alone and not even mention it right away,

I was in a marriage similar to yours and I felt awful when we broke up.  It was because I loved something that had been not what was before or maybe it never was there and I just wished it.  Change is hard but honey you deserve so much more for you.  Imagine yourself as a little pretty girl of two years old with a clean pretty dress.  Now imagine you now picking her (You) up holding her close and swinging her around with love.  Doesn't she deserve more?  i was blessed to have my old christian minister who happened to have degrees in psychology and human behavior.  He explained that sometimes just like a tree a marriage can die .  Mine was dead but I did not want to face it i felt lonely without him he was like a very strong habit.  God saw me through and Led me into a different life a life  where I truly love and respect my husband.  I could not respect my first husband I just did not want to face it.  it is my prayer God sends you insight wissdom and courage and intervention to help you find yourself in a situation where you re-evaluate this relationship.  God Bless remember God always walks with us/
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6 years ago  ::  Apr 27, 2008 - 8:06AM #3
Tmarie64
Posts: 5,277
I have to agree with DAH, as well.  You don't have a marriage, just a roommate/friend relationship.  You should have been friends before you married.  Friendship is not something that comes from marriage.  It's the other way around, Marriage grows from friendship.
You both need to get in to counseling, or you need to end the marriage.  Generally, I don't advise divorce, but you seem to be in denial as to how much trouble your marriage is in. 

Roses said it very well... [QUOTE]  Mine was dead but I did not want to face it i felt lonely without him he was like a very strong habit.  [/QUOTE]
Habits are hard to change, but change you must.
James Thurber - "It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."
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6 years ago  ::  Apr 28, 2008 - 6:11PM #4
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
DanaC,

You were so hurt by what happened 13 years ago, and felt that the only way you could continue in the marriage was with the condition that was set down.  However, you have missed the physical intimacy very much, and have been waiting for so long to get it back.  You were clear about what you expected, and are confused about why no moves have been made in all this time to initiate physical intimacy.  Although you were badly hurt originally, you came to a place of forgiveness - and you feel very connected with your husband in so many ways.  You find it easy to share your thoughts with each other, and at least many of your feelings.  And yet the pain of not having a sexual relationship has reached a point to where something has to be done.  Yet you don't know what that might be.

You feel you have tried everything, and are perhaps afraid that it might be too late.

Blessings,
Arnie
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6 years ago  ::  May 01, 2008 - 2:51PM #5
Evelyneek9
Posts: 7
You know DanaC, I was in a relationship quite similar to this.  I was with my ex-husband for 11 years.  He started the relationship watching pornos, looking at magazines, and then it escalated to 1-900 calls.  I caught him several times.  I was at a point in my life to where I felt that he did not find me attractive and I felt unloved.  I did not feel like a true wife.  I confronted him numerous times and he always told me he was sorry and that he loved me.  We were friends, but not lovers.  The one thing that I found out towards the end of the relationship was that he continued doing everything that he was doing, it is just that he would do it when I wasn't around or would find excuses to go and "be by himself" until it escalated to where he officially cheated on me.  Honey, I wish you the best.  Unfortunately it does turn in to an addiction.  Keep your eyes open, keep your heart light, and try to see if he would be willing to go to counseling with you.  This is something that would help.  God bless you!!
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6 years ago  ::  May 01, 2008 - 6:16PM #6
DavesGordiz
Posts: 2
Am I dramatic? Tell me if I'm wrong. Please.

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years now, I met him when I was 18. When I started to get to know him I realized he was a very cold person (unaffectionate). I was so youngand him being my first boyfriend I gave him everything I had, I didn't care if he would ignore me, I just kept on fighting back to keep our relationship together. I begged for love if you may.

When I met him I was 250 lbs, I'm 5'6 so I was really huge, I always felt that the only reason he went out with me was because he felt sorry for me. I had this idea (or should I say have) that the reason why he didn't hold my hand or kiss me in front of people was because he was embarrassed of my weight. I would put up with all the tears all the time, because I felt no one else would want me once he was gone. 4 years later I had lap-band surgery and lost 100 lbs. I weigh 180 now. I gave birth to Kailey about 6 months ago and ever since she was born we've only had sex 5 times, 5 times in 6 months! .... At the beggining I understood the situation, we were so new at this that we didn't know if we should have sex or not. Kailey started to sleep between us and there was another reason why sex wasn't in our minds. I wanted to move kailey to the crib but he kept on insisting that she would be too "lonely" and that I should put her back in our bed. Whatever... Time passes by and we don't even kiss or touch or anything like that. The reason why I'm so hurt today is because yesterday I found a porno in my highest kitchen cabbinet. It was really hidden. I had seen several porn around before and I had asked him to throw them away which he did, but he didn't let go of this one. It's been over a month that we haven't had sex and seeing this hurts me so much. Aren't I woman enough to satisfy him? Aren't I his woman? I confronted him and he throws excuses after excuses and I just don't want to deal with it any longer. I really would like your opinion, but before you go on I should tell you several little things so you can take them into consideration: I met him online, after meeting him I found many sexual messages he would sent to other woman, in the last case (before Kailey): I found an e-mail he had sent a "male". Until today he denies it, he has come to made me believe that it was woman, but I remember exactly what it said and the fact that it was directed to a man.

I've placed my needs apart just to conform to this relationship. I live with the fear that he may be gay and because of that I do not want to marry him. We argue all the time, but not always... We are more like roomates now. We barely kiss, talk or even touch each other. I don't want my daughter to grow up alone without a father like I did. It's very painful, but then again i don't want her to grow up and find out that her dad is not what she thinks he is.

I have needs too and he doesn't satisfy them, when we do have sex:   which is rarely, he only worries about satisfying himself and not me. Most of the time I'm not even excited when we start having sex. Out of the 6 times we've had sex in the last 6 months twice he stopped for no reason. I don't know what's wrong with him, I try to talk to him and all he does is make me feel like I'm being dramatic instead of trying to fix this problem. I'm looking for an apartment to live in with my daughter, I'm so afraid of taking this step, but I'm also afraid of wasting the rest of my life with this "stranger"...
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6 years ago  ::  May 01, 2008 - 6:33PM #7
Gandalf_Parker
Posts: 1,188
Actually Im in a sexless though still "workable" marriage. I wouldnt call it loving. No kissing, no hugs, etc. But the division of jobs keeps it going. Coming up on 9 years. As the person wanting contact, my only way to preserve my sanity and avoid fights was abit of self-convincing to consider it a roommate arrangment. That put in place the "proper etiquette" for keeping the peace.
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6 years ago  ::  May 03, 2008 - 3:41PM #8
lauramushkat
Posts: 625
with yourself and decide what you want.

I lived years of having a husband who actually thought the girls in Playboy and Penthouse looked like that and that was how females looked! It was amazing!

Anyway we had a loving relationship for 40 years, 2 daughters and grandchildren before he died.  What sex there was was OK better emotionally then physical and it was emotional love that sustained us.

It can be done.
Hugs
Laura
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6 years ago  ::  May 05, 2008 - 1:19PM #9
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,694
Gandalf_Parker : I'm in a somewhat sexless marriage, we still kiss,hug ~ But there hasn't been any
real sex in 11 years since I fell down a flight of stairs in my former condo and hurt my lower back
badly~I've got 3 compressed vertabraie/3 hernaited dics. Sometimes I suffer from the worst pain immagiable.
I so afraid of being in pain that I won't have sex!!
As for it being a "loveless marriage" ~that's up in the air. My heart belongs to another guy.
He was someone who I met in high school~ We're talking 1970, here. He was the most popular guy~
he looked like Jan Michael Vincent when he was in the show "AirWolf".
Funny thing is this guy and I don't know why we "were thrown together" it's a real mystery to both of us.
We're each other's soul mates~ He never married.
My husband cares about me very much~but I can't really call it love.
You see he suffers from ADHD~ as I tell everyone, it's like living in a house with "a sixteen year old,who
has the patience of a four year old child with a short temper"
My husband knows all about the guy from high school~ he even mails this guy's cards!!
And he doesn't care!!!!
For many years he had a porno collection, and he would like to take photos of girls at prades~The porno
collection is gone since the late 1980's. He watched as I threw it in the garbage chute!!!!
We both like to read Playboy~ I've read it since I was the age of 8!!!
I'm the one who likes to watch late nite porn on the weekend on tv!!!!
He's into stuff like murders/autoposys and stuff.
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6 years ago  ::  Apr 26, 2008 - 9:29PM #10
DAH54
Posts: 3,318

DanaC. wrote:

My husband cheated on me with internet porn over 13 years ago. Since then,we have not had any intimate contact at all, other than kissing. While he was engaged in this activity he would not touch me, or kiss me and he insulted me on a regular basis. This went on for over a year, ( the porn and all) then I caught him in the act. He was very sorry he said, and I believed him and forgave him, eventually. But I told him I would NEVER make the first move again. And although our marriage has grown and evolved into a real friendship, we have still not had sex with each other in 13 years. To my knowledge he hasn't cheated again and I never have. We have been together for 24 years. I am still attracted to him, but he will not touch me in that way, and I don't know how to resolve this issue between us. This is the first time I have ever discussed this with anyone other than him. If you have any advice, or a similar incident to relate please let me know. Thank you.
DanaC


Hello Dana and welcome to Beliefnet. I am sorry for the hurt and frustrations that has brought you here. I am curious, you told him you would never make the first move again. Have you kept your word on that? If you have, have you found that it has enhanced your marriage? Or has it hurt your marriage?

It sounds like you felt used and betrayed, because of the porn? When the fighting and yelling was over, did the two of you ever sit down and talk calmly about the porn and why he believes he turn to it? If you are right and it has truly been thirteen years for him, then clearly one excuse that many men give would not appear to apply to your husband.

We seem to have very different concepts of just what a marriage is. You suggest that your marriage has grown into a friendship. I would see that as your marriage has died till all that is left is a friendship. Were you not friends, when you married? If you can't be honest with yourself, then who can you be honest with? Self deception enables us to do many things we would not normally choose to do. There are lots of kinds of love in the world, when you come home, do you rejoice? Or do you dread the loneliness?

Sometimes we are never so alone as when we are with someone who claims to love us, and chooses to act in very unloving ways. DanaC do you love Dana?

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