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Switch to Forum Live View It's abuse, no question about it
10 years ago  ::  Mar 25, 2008 - 11:03AM #1
Posts: 9
I am writing this mostly to express what I have been hiding for so long. I know now that I am in an abusive relationship, and I am scared for my future with this man. Below is a list of some (but not all) of the things that I go through. I would appreciate any advice, suggestions or just kind words. I am sorry this is so long.

Every day I...

Have to walk on eggshells around him to stop him getting angry with me
Have to answer the phone in a specific manner when he calls
Have to have the house looking immaculate when he comes home from work
Have to ignore the phonecalls from other women in his life which he lies about anyway
Have to put the cover back over his expensive car if the wind blows it off, or he loses his temper
Have to wear the brands of clothing which he likes regardless of whether I can afford them or not
Have to always be in a good mood with him even if he has told me he wishes he had cheated on me
Have to hide my depression as he believes it is something that will go away if I "just relax"
Have to hide any illnesses as he says I dwell on it too much
Have to keep my voice low and pleasant and not give him an "attitude"
Have to keep my hair cut and styled in a way which he finds nice, even if I hate it
Have to not talk about how many languages I speak because he thinks that I learnt them in order to meet men
Have to always say what he wants me to say even if I disagree
Have to have sex when he wants it, how he wants it even if it hurts me (and if I am tired then he says he will "get it from someone else"
Have to hide any clothing or accessories I buy if they are from Target (!)
Have to stay inside the house on an evening because its not safe outside apparently
Have no friends as, in his words, "they will all flirt with me anyway and you wouldn't want that"
Have to apologise to HIM if he upsets ME
Have to deal with his bad temper, which he denies that he has
Have to be called childish when I get so upset and angry that I cry
Have to "behave" when he isn't talking to me or else he will go out all night with his friends
Have to deal with being called stupid, selfish, worthless and worse when he is in a bad mood
Have to keep silent about my wishes for the future or else he gets angry if they aren't what he wants me to do
Have to not talk about spirituality or religions I am interested in as "they are from the devil" so he says
Have to keep quiet about past relationships (not that I would want to talk about them anyway) but he talks about his all the time
Have to not say "I am worried" or anything like that as I have to always remain positive and not talk about my feelings
Have to avoid talking about sex or my sexual feelings as he gets really offended
Have to deal with his double-standards (he can go out all night, but I can't/he doesn't answer to me but I have to answer to him etc)

In the next year I will have to...

Prepare to have a child, even if I don't think it wil be the right time (or even want a child)
Start learning how to run a business, as this is what he wants me to do in the future
Start going to the gym with him (not alone) as he wants to monitor my progress

I am so sad in reading all of this, but am I right in thinking that this is abusive? I have been with him three years and left my home in the UK for him. I honestly don't know what's normal (or what is "me") any more.

I made a list last night of all the things I would do if we weren't together and I was shocked at how happy some simple things would make me. For example, wearing what I want instead of having to run my outfit by him. Having highlights in my hair, going for a walk, having a friend over for dinner, going where I want when I want. And most important of all, expressing my spirituality without having to hide candles, books and my journal.

I can't leave him yet as I have some issues (non relationship issues) that need to be worked on and I need to save some money.

Does anyone have any advice, or suggestions??
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10 years ago  ::  Mar 25, 2008 - 11:54AM #2
Posts: 1,188
Nice list. Mind if I copy it? Only about 3/4 of it applies to my situation but it would be handy to have such a list in case I get to the point of talking to a counselor or lawyer.

I secretly bought a book called "How to Hide Money from Your Husband" which is pretty good.
(couldnt find one tht said how to hide money from your wife)
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10 years ago  ::  Mar 25, 2008 - 12:18PM #3
Posts: 1,407

Welcome to Beliefnet, and sorry for the pain in your relationship.  What is being described is indeed an awful situation to be in.  Staying in it under these circumstances has become intolerable to you, and yet leaving is not a possibility either.

You are a wonderful being just for who you are, and not for anything you do or don't do.  Your spirit is whole and perfect.  You are valuable and precious just as you are.  You are beautiful and complete as you are right now, right this moment.

Is it possible to accept this, or when you read it does your mind resist or deny such thoughts about yourself?  Do you feel you are only worth as much as this man decides you are worth? 

Have you have checked out local women's shelters and support groups?

No physical threats or violence were mentioned; I am wondering if they are present as well.

What would happen if you chose one item on your list and chose to change it?  What if you decided you would rather wear something you got from Target because that's what you liked?  Do any fears come up in you over this?  What would happen if your partner disapproved and you chose to continue wearing what you want to anyway?

You are in my prayers.

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10 years ago  ::  Mar 25, 2008 - 12:56PM #4
Posts: 9
Thank you both for your responses. Gandalf_Parker, I'm sorry that you are going through the same thing. I will look up the book that you mentioned, I have a feeling that this could help me out a lot!

Arnie, he is not a violent man, nor has he threatened to hurt me. But it is terror I feel when I try to do something that I want to do (and he hates). Like you mentioned in your post, if I decided to wear something from Target when me and my partner went out, he would insist on me changing. If I then refused, he wouldn't go anywhere with me and wouldn't talk to me for a few days. He INSISTS that he knows best.

But I get butterflies in my stomach and start shaking when I choose to do my own thing. I am scared, pure and simple. Not of violence, but of something I can't quite put my finger on.

I'm not scared of being alone, or being single (I loved living by myself and all the freedom). I don't know what it is that makes me so scared, unless it's just him that I am afraid of.

Re-reading this, do you think he sounds a little childish? The tantrums, the not-talking-to-me for days. Hmmm. And he calls ME childish!
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10 years ago  ::  Mar 25, 2008 - 1:21PM #5
Posts: 1,188
How long have you been married?
If its a couple of years I would seriously consider breaking loose. If its sitting almost exactly on 7 then you might want to wait a year or so.
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10 years ago  ::  Mar 25, 2008 - 2:12PM #6
Posts: 9
We aren't married. No kids, and I doubt he's planning to propose soon.

We have a cat, but she loves whoever feeds her!

It's just the financial part and some immigration issues that stop me from leaving today.
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10 years ago  ::  Mar 25, 2008 - 6:55PM #7
Posts: 30
Hi Alison_K

I am so sorry for you and so sad for your situation. I see also how you are stuck because of finances and immigration. This may be part of the reason he treats you the way he does he knows in a way he has the power to control you. He probly figures even if you don't like it what are you going to do about it. So Suggestions......My biggest suggestion is a question. Do you think the fear and butterflies come from the fact that maybe you are afraid should you walk away from this relationship that you also walk away from your chances at living in this country? Then I will do some research and get back to you. There is a woman's orginazation for battered immigrant woman (I know you said your not physically abused but you are still abused none the less you are in a way enslaved) You would be surpirised at how many men go over seas find them a foreign bride then bring her here to be their slaves. Many of these women are raped by their spouse and sold to other men can't leave the house all kinds of unspeakable situtations. So they started this like safe houses for these women some whio want to go home some who want to stay and make a life for themselves. I saw it on 20/20 like maybe 6 monthes ago. For now I suggest lay low.
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10 years ago  ::  Mar 25, 2008 - 7:08PM #8
Posts: 30
Laying low was not advice that sat well with me. I thought of many abused days I spent in my house a prisioner (my husband was psycho abusive though) I wasn't allowed to have any money of my own and no personal clothing not approved ny him at all in the house. I was so desperate during this time and i knew no matter what I needed to get away. So things I did..........

Sneak out the house (while knew he was at work, gym, etc...) meet people
Everyday I sneaked out a little longer the people I was trying to meet any and everybody who may be able to help me
I found a church and talked to anyone who would talk to me
(you don't have to be real religous or even the same religion good christioans are always willing to help)
I suggested to him I needed a part time job (where he approved of course)
You need to find some way to make some money and him not know or if he does know he can't know how much money you make
Fantasize  and plan
I used to run over in over in my head the things I love the things I wanted to do and how life would be if I left.
I also used to plan and walk through my plan every chance I got.
Serious like okay the bus comes at this time, I had stack of clothes and underware in the closet (no packed bag as he would be suspicous) but I'd time how long it take me to pack get on the bus, I hid money in a safe that I hid in our apartments rec room. I had bought a greyhound ticket and hid this with my identification documents at a  friends I met and trusted and I just waited for the right time. I'm pray for you and suggest taking some of the steps. As soon as you have enough dollars to run, I would do just that .
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10 years ago  ::  Mar 25, 2008 - 7:08PM #9
Posts: 3,681
Good advice.

YOU have to leave...YOU have to leave.

He may not be violent but, he is abusive.

((((((sending good thoughts)))))


Margaret Mead: "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."
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10 years ago  ::  Mar 25, 2008 - 8:25PM #10
Posts: 1,188
I have a plastic container with "old clothes I might get back into". Its actually all fitting stuff altho less than my favorites.

I used to have an easy plan. 7 miles to the air force base. I fly anywhere in the world for about $15. Unfortunately they changed the laws to where I need a passport now to go anywhere. Thats an expense I have to build up to.

But I have alternate sites. Friends and relatives that have said I can "escape" there. Including my wifes mother who has decided that her daughter is treating me terrible.
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