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Switch to Forum Live View need perspective--for my daughter
7 years ago  ::  Mar 14, 2008 - 1:26PM #11
boodlebear
Posts: 1,053
[QUOTE=seventhcrow;356502]Well, hearken back to your first words:



Why would you expect that to change? You can cast all the aspersions you wish in his direction by insinuating that you fear he may become violent despite no history of violence or abuse and that doesn't change the fact that he's been taking good care of your daughter. His spending is his business, so as long as he pays his bills and has his own place and is able to provide care for her, you have no valid reason to complain.

Issues you may have had with him when together aren't issues between him and his daughter...so please refrain from ever projecting them in that fashion. If he should ever become inattentive to her needs, then that can be resolved at that time. To posit that he might possibly some day not be able to do right by her so you need to protect her now from Big Bad Him is silly--he can say the exact same thing about you!

At this point, you worrying about his spending habits and such sounds like nothing more than reaching for any excuse to screw with him and keep him from having a solid relationship with your daughter. I find that a horrifying thought. If it's in error, then I do apologize (I've seen this sort of thing play out too many times).

I share your pain with the divorce (I've been there). I also share your concerns with your daughter (I have two children, one living with me and one not). I just urge you to take great pains to keep your issues separate from those of your daughter's relationship (in every aspect) with her father.[/QUOTE]
But he isn't paying his bills. Asphodella got a call fromn the collections agency.
She didn't say she didn't want the child to be around him. She is concerned about a 50-50.  I read it as he is the one grasping at straws for leaving.
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 14, 2008 - 3:17PM #12
asphodella
Posts: 3
Well seventhcrow, I really don't see why you think I'm insinuating physical abuse potential.

The upshot is that my husband is self-centered and irresponsible.  He has lied to me about more than one important thing.  He has gotten himself into trouble. 

I can explain that I am concerned that as his relationships tend to be subtly manipulative and self-serving that it is or will be with our daughter.  I worry that she will be more of companion than a child--one disagreement we have had is his having her view music videos intended for adults with him--nothing super racy, but some with images and such that I don't feel are developmentally appropriate for a preschooler.  I am guessing that his motivation is to either have a "friend" in her, exclude me from their special activity, or to model a small image of himself in her.

As I said, they tend to have a lot of fun together.  But I guess I'm concerned that the boundaries aren't exactly where they should be.  I have no desire to "screw" anyone out of anything.



Thanks to boodlebear and arnie for your replies and clarifications.
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 14, 2008 - 8:51PM #13
boodlebear
Posts: 1,053
Honey, I'm concerned for you dearly. His video thing? that's just creepy. That's just ef'in' creepy. Why would a grown man want a little girl to watch semi racy videos with him? WHY would a daddy want to watch racy - RACY, mind you - videos with HIS BABY GIRL? Asphodella, exactly why are you concerned about the boundaries? Fathers are not to be their daughter's friend when the baby is 4. He is to be her guide, he is supposed to show her how a gentleman acts so when the time comes for her to date and finally choose a partner/husband she will have had a good role model. (I'm going to get flack. Yes, fathers are more than guides. I am focusing on guidance right now.)
And failing that, Mom is to point out the good characteristics in the little girl's father so she know what to look for in an eventual (possibly not ) partner.
But Mom is not to get caught up in the good characteristics of the father because she needs to free her self from him. My dear lady, he doesn't care that you are concerned about the development of your daughter. He is using.
Hugs, boodlebear
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 15, 2008 - 6:57AM #14
hopethrufaith
Posts: 92
Wow seventhcrow-that was pretty harsh.

Having said that,  dear asphodella, she is right about this:
I just urge you to take great pains to keep your issues separate from those of your daughter's relationship (in every aspect) with her father

I realize that this is a hard thing to do at a time like this. You are hurt, angry, scared, protective, etc. and it sounds as if you might also be in conflict with yourself. On one hand you say he is a good father but then you seem to take it back. Maybe it would help if you sat down, cleared your mind with a few deep breaths and wrote down the (factual) pro's and con's of shared custody, leaving out the issue between you and him. Forget about the lying and stuff. That is against you and is a different matter from custody. What are your true concerns for your daughter if you share custody with him. You can't base your thoughts on what he might  or might not do (nor will the judge let you) Most of your concerns SEEM to be about his characteristics in his relationship with you.
Again having said that, I definitely would be very concerned about the "video" thing. boodlebear was absolutely correct when she said "that is scary"!

One more thing, have you actually taked to an attorney yet? Have you found out what shared custody entails? That might make a difference in you decision.
I am so very sorry that you are having to go thru this. I hope that this might help some.
Hugs, prayers and best wishes.
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 15, 2008 - 8:22AM #15
boodlebear
Posts: 1,053
[QUOTE=hopethrufaith;358122]Wow seventhcrow-that was pretty harsh.

Having said that,  dear asphodella, she is right about this:
I just urge you to take great pains to keep your issues separate from those of your daughter's relationship (in every aspect) with her father

I realize that this is a hard thing to do at a time like this. You are hurt, angry, scared, protective, etc. and it sounds as if you might also be in conflict with yourself. On one hand you say he is a good father but then you seem to take it back. Maybe it would help if you sat down, cleared your mind with a few deep breaths and wrote down the (factual) pro's and con's of shared custody, leaving out the issue between you and him. Forget about the lying and stuff. That is against you and is a different matter from custody. What are your true concerns for your daughter if you share custody with him. You can't base your thoughts on what he might  or might not do (nor will the judge let you) Most of your concerns SEEM to be about his characteristics in his relationship with you.
Again having said that, I definitely would be very concerned about the "video" thing. boodlebear was absolutely correct when she said "that is scary"!

One more thing, have you actually taked to an attorney yet? Have you found out what shared custody entails? That might make a difference in you decision.
I am so very sorry that you are having to go thru this. I hope that this might help some.
Hugs, prayers and best wishes.[/QUOTE]

I agree. Talking with an attorney who deals with divorce and children would be wise. And know                           
                                               You are a wise woman.
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 20, 2008 - 4:59PM #16
sharon_bivens
Posts: 658
You are hurting right now and you are angry;.  You have a right to be. 

I believe what he was trying to say above is not to put the child in the middle.  That is not fair to a four year old. 

Be sure he is responsible for his own bills and his own credit card debt!!  Make sure it is in the divorce papers he is talking about.....

I feel once you have accepted this and thought about it clearly, you might just let out a nice sigh of relief!! 

You deserve to be happy!!  Life is not just about him and his needs. 

Focus on yourself and your child.  She needs you.  You need her.  Keep things as normal as you can for her sake. 

Control what you can, leave the rest to your Higher Power.

Peace,

Sharon
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 20, 2008 - 4:59PM #17
sharon_bivens
Posts: 658
You are hurting right now and you are angry;.  You have a right to be. 

I believe what he was trying to say above is not to put the child in the middle.  That is not fair to a four year old. 

Be sure he is responsible for his own bills and his own credit card debt!!  Make sure it is in the divorce papers he is talking about.....

I feel once you have accepted this and thought about it clearly, you might just let out a nice sigh of relief!! 

You deserve to be happy!!  Life is not just about him and his needs. 

Focus on yourself and your child.  She needs you.  You need her.  Keep things as normal as you can for her sake. 

Control what you can, leave the rest to your Higher Power.

Peace,

Sharon
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 22, 2008 - 2:38PM #18
hopethrufaith
Posts: 92
Asphodella, I am wondering how you are doing? What, if any,  decisions have you been able to make. Don't forget this is a good place to talk it out. taling it out really does help. Lin
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