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Switch to Forum Live View My Marriage: continue or end?
6 years ago  ::  Mar 18, 2008 - 9:05PM #41
AttitudeIsEverything
Posts: 187
Hi Joy,
you wrote:
Hmm so other men have used this threat also??!!!!!

Eventually they always use that threat. That's why I'm glad you have a lawyer :)Especially if they make most of the $ It is scary to figure out the $, how you're going to live, etc.

You wrote:
But you make a Great suggestion. I will try and do that. I need to figure out where to call. I realize that I should have looked into things before now about what would happen to the money from his job, say if he should die from health issues.


He is overweight with diabetes.
I need to know..... Would the money from his job come directly to me?
Do you mean his pension/investments?  On the paperwork he would most likely have said who the $ went to...maybe your children?    My sister keeps telling I need to find this out. I just don't want to make my hubby suspicious of why I am looking for answers...

You need to see if he kept a copy of that paperwork somewhere.  But in most states - check with your lawyer- investments & some pensions have to be split with the wife.
Joy :-)
you wrote....
"and honey we've all been there"

my reply:
Too many of us have "been there" :-( ...[/QUOTE]

Yes but we are all sisters & get through it together...you will too :)

Linda
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6 years ago  ::  Mar 18, 2008 - 9:29PM #42
Joynfaith56
Posts: 23
Yes but we are all sisters & get through it together...you will too

I KNow I will :-) Nice hearing from you Linda,,,,,,,
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6 years ago  ::  Mar 18, 2008 - 9:33PM #43
Joynfaith56
Posts: 23
Yes but we are all sisters & get through it together...you will too
  I know I will :-)
Re; His pension etc.... he works for a railroad....
I don't think he has set anything up at work. he has always said to me :
" everything will come to you" He keeps saying. "I really should do something to leave something to my kids" So I don't think he has made any provisions at work for his adult kids..., You have to know how lazy my husband is to appreciate that he doesn't do anything that takes ny effort !!

Joy :-)
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6 years ago  ::  Mar 18, 2008 - 9:58PM #44
Joynfaith56
Posts: 23
Yes but we are all sisters & get through it together...you will too
  I know I will :-)
Re; His pension etc.... he works for a railroad....
I don't think he has set anything up at work. he has always said to me :
" everything will come to you" He keeps saying. "I really should do something to leave something to my kids" So I don't think he has made any provisions at work for his adult kids..., You have to know how lazy my husband is to appreciate that he doesn't do anything that takes ny effort !!

Joy :-)
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6 years ago  ::  Mar 19, 2008 - 3:12PM #45
IreneAdler
Posts: 2,849
Some quick thoughts-for what they are worth…

First off, there are laws in most states regarding who gets to be the beneficiary for any pension plans, retirement plans or life insurance that a spouse acquires.  Ask your lawyer.  He/she will know all about such things and what you will be entitled to receive.   In California, the spouse actually has to sign a paper to waive the right to be named beneficiary.  Don’t get suckered into signing such a thing.

Also, if “everything will come to you” – get documentation regarding this. Was there a prior wife while he earned any pensions? If so, she may be entitled to a portion of his pension. Again, this would be in California; your lawyer would know for sure. You might take this as opportunity to contact the human resources dept of his work and ask for written verification.  YOu mention hubby being lazy about these things; if there is a prior wife and he hasn't gone about procuring anything that shows she has waived her right to a portion of his pension, you could be in for a little unhappy surprise.

Regarding hubby’s threat of diverting his direct deposit.  Not sure if this is genuine or just meant to scare you, but this makes me wonder about your other assets.  Many times a spouse tries to hide away assets prior to filing for divorce in the hopes of keeping said assets to him/her self.  Are you missing any good jewelry or other valuables around the house? Have the savings accounts been drawn down? Have other assets had your name removed as owner of record (such as a vehicle)? Maybe a little detective work is in order.

It’s also a rude awakening to find spouse has accumulated a great deal of debt unbeknownst.  Have there been new credit cards issued in both names that you don’t know about? Check your credit report!  You don’t want to be held responsible for half of debt you had no part accumulating.

Also, have you copies of all financial records- tax forms, etc.?  You’ll need these.

You mentioned that you are an LPN though you can’t seem to find employment as you have been out of the field for over a decade.  Have you done any internet searches for nursing professional organizations, or nurse labor unions that can help you with several things.  First, they can suggest where to look for jobs for which you qualify. Second, if you are not being considered for jobs locally because such jobs go to those fresh out of nursing school, find out why.  Is this a salary thing; they are willing to work for low wages? Or are they up-to-date on nursing regulations pertaining to the jobs they are hired for? If it is the latter, can the professional organization help you find where you can educate yourself as to these things?  Often professional organizations offer ways for its members to keep up-to-date on such things (seminars, on-line classes, etc).  It won’t be free – but it can be parlayed into making you more employable. Alternatively can you take a few courses at the local college -where these local graduates attended- to brush up?

What I am suggesting above may involve a fair bit of time, commitment, travel and expense on your part. But it will also show what all it would take for you to become self-sufficient and earn your own way.  Perhaps your lawyer can parlay this into getting extra income for a period of time so you will have adequate income to concentrate on re-gaining your skills and eventually score a job in your field.  Suggest running this by your lawyer too.  Getting divorced should not mean destitution for having done so. 


Irene.
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6 years ago  ::  Mar 19, 2008 - 5:48PM #46
milagro
Posts: 30
Hi Joy,

I decided to come find you here as it seems you have made some good friends and post here more often. I am so glad that you have gotten such wonderful support and though I do not know you and it means little coming from a stranger I am very proud of you and your you voice that you can see strentghing in each of your posts. I think its wonderful all the support you are geeting and it looks like you and bear have started a lovely friendship and now you have a good support system. I just wanted to give you some extra new aged advice but I am going to post it in another post so it don't get missed. I just wanted you to know I was very proud of you very happy you found support and tell you that all my prayers are with you. Lots of love
Milagro
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6 years ago  ::  Mar 19, 2008 - 6:02PM #47
milagro
Posts: 30
K- Here joy are some of my thoughts and suggestions on your situation. The work thing I've been thinking of you a lot lately and I have several suggestions that may work for you and many other woman who may be reading. What if you got a job you could work from home? Like a job you could do online from the computer? My ideas were both medical transcription or billing. Companies on line advertise all the time for at home medical transcribers and dictatorts. Being an LPN I'm sure you already no lots of the lingo. If not theres both online courses and courses at your local community college. Joy I would like to encourage you to go to school. You will find it benifical in your life not only to your finances but to your person. If you don't necessarily want to go to school for a trade than what about a hobby. My Gigi is a grand old 65 years old and you know what you can never tell. She says it cause shes never stoped learning which means she never stoped living which she jokes means she'll never die. She too recently just went through a divorce where her husband followed through on his threat. I'll get to that though. School, school is the key it gets you out the house, it gets around new people it opens your mind to new ideas and it gives you a chance to shine. Also, I feel there is a great need for old people to be friends with young people. Are young people today are very misguided very lost and very in need of leadership. All that you are going through all that you've been through is something someone else has not been through. So you have an opportunity to lend guidance with your experince and wisdom. You will be surpirsed how many young women will look to as a a mentor and a friend. This will be great for them and for you. I actually suggest starting school before you ever start the divorce. Why because it will help keep you busy it will get you out the house and away from your husband since he likes to be home all the time. But it will also be a start fo your independance of you getting used a life for yourself. Nothing to hard core but think about it there goes a piece for your plan. If you took a class say for medical transcription you would be preparing yourself for how you are going to support yourself financially in the future.
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6 years ago  ::  Mar 19, 2008 - 6:40PM #48
milagro
Posts: 30
Okay next subject oh wait I also thought it was a good I dea for you to seek work at a women's shelter maybe not as a nurse but as a social worker. Women's shelters, rehabs, youth centers are always looking for counselors and voulteers with a medical back ground. Second I was wondering how attached you were to the house. Do you need a big house could you sell the house and move into a condo? Okay now back to the threat. I am going to share a story with you my Friendi has just suffered the threat he soon to be x husband went as afar as to try to sell the house they owned in California without telling her. He makes her life miserable as to that every time she does something he does not like he cuts off her allowances. She sends him a monthly statement of the money she needs to pay the bills and if he feels like it he pays her or does not pay her. He started this when he found another woman and decided to leave but not divorce. So here is what I suggest you have to protect yourself. This is the way she said she would of done it given the second chance.
1. Know what you have (as a couple and as Individuals) includes debt and assets
2. Know who controls what (is your name on all the accounts Are you authorized to make changes)
2a.) You find accounts that don't have your name or maybe that your a user but not an authorizer be weary bring them to your lawyers attention immediately see if while you are still the wife you can stake claim.)
3. Know your purchases his and yours where does the money go? If its more thana 50$ it needs to be accounted for
4. Now that you know your individual worth how long can you survive (pay bills mortgage eat etc.) without no other income coming in
(this gives you a time line okay he bounce tomorrow I will be fine he don't pay for x monthes day weeks whatever.)
5. Start paying yourself in the amount you calculate for the bare minimum you need to survive (example rent food utilites) and then figure how much of this could you pay alone and how would he need to supplement so that you can live? This is the amount you ideally want to start paying yourself. If its too much and he would notice quickly its so obvious then take half. Not I'm not saying rob your husband I'm saying secure your self. However long it was that you could make it on your own.
6. Securing yourself like I said not robbing the man though he may deserve it but just not letting him be mean like he always is to us. So this is I got my own bac fund. So as long as you could support your self say in her case it was 6 mothes well you just kep paying yourself till you have 6 monthes worth of support from him. So now you have less stress and you are less afraid or finically burdened.
7. Plan okay now we have a years worth of income to carry us through that gives you time to find a job sell a house move in with friends are family. Since your the one leaving in the sense of the word you have the leisure of when your going to do it. Think toward a future and what you want your life to be like with out him then like all things in life start making small goals to lead to your acomplishment.
8. Liquidate (start she says with is stuff) He has power tools lay around haven't been used since the turn then sell um in the thrifty a garage sale I don't know where you are but we have craig's list on line it works great.) Anything you don't need you don't use sell it. If you guys have other properties a timeshare maybe sell that too. Anythign that's going to be fought for get rid of or secure now. Things like say the car. My friend and her x even fought over the car. He said he wanted to sell it as (he was the one doing these steps) and that would leave my friend she said he gave it to her He jsut tried to steal it in the middle of the night. (this was during the actual process of divorce) he did end up eventually selling the car to a junk yard for scrap ( she took the spark plugs and the keys so he could get it to started and couldn't  pop the hood.) but just so she couldn't  have it. So plan for the worst,  but hope for the best.
9. If you don't have a job then get one (thats mine cause what if you can't pay yourself what if you have no assets to liquidate. I love the movie all dogs go to heaven because they sing a song and my whole life its been life my anthem.") You know men my whole life they always like to call women the b word oh your a b---or your acting like a b---- or your a stupid b----. So whats a b--- a female dog. In the movie they sing a song....(suggest renting it for all who have not seen) Ohj you can't keep a good dog down...No you can't keep a good dog down...Been bought and sold young and ols and you can't keep a good dog down! I don't know it always just appealed to me and that all dogs if that be what we be go to heaven.
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6 years ago  ::  Mar 19, 2008 - 6:51PM #49
milagro
Posts: 30
Lots of love and luck to you Joy. I have faith that not only will you come out of this a stronger woman but a more fulfilled in love with life woman. please look into some online at home work like or mail stuffing. (it works I did it one year but I did data entry/ don't too much sugest the mailing I never did it but ordered it twice it seems like a rip off.) Anyway you have inspired me to be a stronger woman and stop giving myself excuses for why I am in this give give give no get realationship. I'm glad for your story and thankful for your story. Sorry I posted all over your forum. I hope though that all I said is helpful.
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6 years ago  ::  Mar 19, 2008 - 8:00PM #50
AttitudeIsEverything
Posts: 187
Joy,
Milagro gave a great detailed plan, I would only add one thing.  I know you said in a post that there was a bankruptcy somewhere.  He may have gotten a new credit card under his name only.  But this card may be tied to you- you may be responsible under state law for the debt he runs up.  Get a free credit report on line.  If you only do it once a year the report is free.  If you want the actual credit score- the number- it will cost less than $10- but the credit report will show all open & closed accounts.  Run it under YOUR social security number, this way you will know if he took credit out in his name and the credit card company included you as his wife.  Hang in there, you will get through this

Linda
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