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Switch to Forum Live View My Marriage: continue or end?
7 years ago  ::  Mar 12, 2008 - 7:15PM #11
TPaine
Posts: 9,488

Joynfaith56 wrote:

Boodlebear,
is there a way to get email addresses from those willing to give them that are eager to talk back and forth? I don't mind giving mine to others here that have psoted to me. . I just don't know if it is allowed to be put in this post. ( Since I am new here and don't know all the rules. )
You weren't harsh, you were honest and I need to hear honest right now. I need encouragement. I have asked God to show me a way out. Perhaps he will use people here to help encourage me and help show me the way :-)
I am not upset :by your words or anyones else's here :-) I don't know when I reply in this kind of post if everyone can read it or just you? How does this work?
Thanks,
I know I received one of the post directly to my email address.
Joy :-)



Joy, excuse me for butting in, but I may be able to help with e-mail. When you want to with a particular person, right click on that person's name at the top of their post. That will open a drop down box showing options. Click on view profile. When you reach that person's profile, click on send private e-mail. You may also want to add that person to your friends list. There is a button to click on to do that as well.

"The right of voting for representatives is the primary right by which other rights are protected. To take away this right is to reduce a man to slavery, for slavery consists in being subject to the will of another, and he that has not a vote in the election of representatives is in this case." Thomas Paine:
Dissertation on First Principles of Government (July 1795)
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 12, 2008 - 7:18PM #12
boodlebear
Posts: 1,053
That's a great idea. As soon as I saw that I went to her site and made a friend request.
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 12, 2008 - 9:40PM #13
boodlebear
Posts: 1,053
[QUOTE=boodlebear;352468]That's a great idea. As soon as I saw that I went to her site and made a friend request.[/QUOTE]
I guess I quoted myself wrong. I meant to say as soon as I saw what she was asking I didn't stop to think to explain it to her I just clicked the friend request. Thank you, T.Paine, for being there with the ready answer.
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 13, 2008 - 1:58AM #14
TPaine
Posts: 9,488

boodlebear wrote:

I guess I quoted myself wrong. I meant to say as soon as I saw what she was asking I didn't stop to think to explain it to her I just clicked the friend request. Thank you, T.Paine, for being there with the ready answer.



I was happy to be able to help, then realized my edit didn't take. She has to left click on the name, not right click. :(

"The right of voting for representatives is the primary right by which other rights are protected. To take away this right is to reduce a man to slavery, for slavery consists in being subject to the will of another, and he that has not a vote in the election of representatives is in this case." Thomas Paine:
Dissertation on First Principles of Government (July 1795)
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 13, 2008 - 4:28PM #15
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
Joynfaith56,

Welcome to the Divorce & Separation Forum, and sorry for what brought you here.  There are many caring members here who are happy to listen and share their feedback.  I hope it is possible to stay and continue interacting.

You have been seeing behavior that is absolutely not okay with you, and want to find a way that there can be a good resolution.  You are told that "all men do it" and the unacceptable behavior continues.  Perhaps you feel that there is nothing that can be done about it and you have to either accept it or leave.  You find it impossible to believe what you are told, and maybe it will never be possible to trust again.

When you are told that everything is your fault, you have no choice but to accept that.  Although some marital counseling was done and it helped for a bit, that has stopped and the relationship has slid back to the painful place it is now.  You don't want to end the marriage, and it is also becoming so painful to stay in it.  You are starting to realize that, as much as you don't want to, that divorce may be the only possible option available.  Although you are concerned about how finances will be managed, it is becoming too difficult to stay.  Perhaps you are becoming convinced that there is no possible way to move the relationship to a good place.

Maybe you would be willing to express what changed since you first met and fell in love.  Or maybe this is how things have always been.

Blessings,

ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce & Separation
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 13, 2008 - 4:39PM #16
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
boodlebear,

Welcome to you too, and sorry for all the pain you experienced in your marriage also.  Thank you for sharing your thoughts with Joy, and for being willing to talk about very difficult episodes.  I hope you can stay and continue to share your thoughts with others here.

You went though so much in your marriage, and it must have been so painful to see a man you once loved to fall into such a dark pit.  It is also sad that perhaps much of his anguish was triggered by not fully accepting who he was, and having to deal with so much disapproval of who he was from society and other people.

After enduring so much, you finally had enough and called it quits on the marriage, and are happy to have moved past all that was going on in it.  Maybe you would be willing to share some of what you went though to reach that point.  Somehow, when these things started to happen it wasn't possible to address them as they arose, and they spiraled out of control until the unfortunate incidents that were described.   Maybe you would also be willing to express the kinds of things that have helped you move on emotionally from the marriage.

Blessings,
ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce & Separation
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 13, 2008 - 4:51PM #17
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
poecar,

Welcome to the Divorce & Separation Forum to you two as well, and thank you for sharing your thoughts.  You have touched on some very important areas that keep a marriage from being a happy and fulfilling one for both spouses.  It is so important to love oneself first, and loving oneself means not tolerating words or actions that are unacceptable.  There is indeed not excuse for verbally abusing one's spouse, and what is the challenge is learning how to set limits so that it is not allowed to happen.  On the other hand, by allowing it, we are "teaching" our partner how to treat us.  That is, by not setting a limit when it happens, we are in effect saying "it's okay to keep doing this."  So even though you cannot change your spouse, you can be clear about what is and is not acceptable behavior, and allow your spouse to make their own choices as well.

The issue of men "looking" is of course a very tricky and difficult one.  Unfortunately it does appear to be the case that men are wired to "look."  And as you point out, "looking" and acting are entirely different things.  Where things change is when the "looking" becomes out of control, an addiction, or is done instead of sexual intimacy with one's spouse.  The things you listed, respect, love, and friendship, are indeed critical elements in making a marriage a wonderful one.

Thank you again for your sharing.

Blessings,
ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce & Separation
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 13, 2008 - 10:08PM #18
boodlebear
Posts: 1,053
[QUOTE=ArnieBeeGut;354688]boodlebear,

Welcome to you too, and sorry for all the pain you experienced in your marriage also.  Thank you for sharing your thoughts with Joy, and for being willing to talk about very difficult episodes.  I hope you can stay and continue to share your thoughts with others here.

You went though so much in your marriage, and it must have been so painful to see a man you once loved to fall into such a dark pit.  It is also sad that perhaps much of his anguish was triggered by not fully accepting who he was, and having to deal with so much disapproval of who he was from society and other people.

After enduring so much, you finally had enough and called it quits on the marriage, and are happy to have moved past all that was going on in it.  Maybe you would be willing to share some of what you went though to reach that point.  Somehow, when these things started to happen it wasn't possible to address them as they arose, and they spiraled out of control until the unfortunate incidents that were described.   Maybe you would also be willing to express the kinds of things that have helped you move on emotionally from the marriage.

Blessings,
ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce & Separation[/QUOTE]
I'll be glad to stay and share. Thank you.
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 13, 2008 - 10:08PM #19
boodlebear
Posts: 1,053
[QUOTE=ArnieBeeGut;354688]boodlebear,

Welcome to you too, and sorry for all the pain you experienced in your marriage also.  Thank you for sharing your thoughts with Joy, and for being willing to talk about very difficult episodes.  I hope you can stay and continue to share your thoughts with others here.

You went though so much in your marriage, and it must have been so painful to see a man you once loved to fall into such a dark pit.  It is also sad that perhaps much of his anguish was triggered by not fully accepting who he was, and having to deal with so much disapproval of who he was from society and other people.

After enduring so much, you finally had enough and called it quits on the marriage, and are happy to have moved past all that was going on in it.  Maybe you would be willing to share some of what you went though to reach that point.  Somehow, when these things started to happen it wasn't possible to address them as they arose, and they spiraled out of control until the unfortunate incidents that were described.   Maybe you would also be willing to express the kinds of things that have helped you move on emotionally from the marriage.

Blessings,
ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce & Separation[/QUOTE]
I'll be glad to stay and share. Thank you.
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 15, 2008 - 12:50PM #20
Joynfaith56
Posts: 23
Thank Tpaine!!! I think I have figured things out with your help.
Joy :-)
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