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Switch to Forum Live View My Marriage: continue or end?
7 years ago  ::  Mar 10, 2008 - 6:32PM #1
Posts: 23
Hello, I am new to this site. I don't know how to do anything fancy with my site. So bear with me.

I also posted under Relationships. But decided to post here too in order to get all the advice and support I can. It is diffcult to get online everyday if my husband is here because I really don't care for him to know I am writing on this forum. So if you don't see or hear from me for several days you will understand why. I will be here when possible.

I am here for all the support , advice and help God can provide through others.
There are far to many issues to go into here in a public forum. But I am looking for others who have or are going through a simliar situation that can offer advice and support.

My husband and I are in our 50's and Christians.

We have been married for almost 7 years and I am experiencing verbal and emotional abuse from my husband. I also just recently discovered that he has placed an online ad for a "discreet affair". I have not yet confronted my husband about this. I am seeing my pastor and my counselor first to get some advice. I don't want to scream and yell about this. I want to approach this in a calm manner. My husband is certainly addicted to "smutty" pictures online and "looking" at other women online whether at U-tube or any other site. This has been going on for quite some time. My husband says " all men look."  I said " NO , not all men "look" and I reminded him that the "WORD" says any man who looks at another woman already commited adultery in his heart." That hasn't stopped him. :-(  This online activity has severely impacted our relationship. I don't feel secure or loved and all trust for and in my husband is pretty well gone at this point.

He of course thinks that I am to blame for a great many things in the marriage, including his anger management problem, the lack of intimacy in our marriage and for not meeting all his needs, just to name a few things.
I have all the responsibilities that biblically belong to the husband in this marriage. I am physically and emotionally drained.

I know this is a toxic relationship. I know we are both unhappy. I have tried to be a Godly wife but all the issues in this marriage make it difficult to be the wife I would love to be. His issues have built a huge wall.  He doesn't like or love himself. This just complicates things further.  He threatens to leave on a regular basis. I don't make threats to end the marriage. I don't believe in making threats.  I have tried desperately  to save our relationship for the past 5 years by seeking marital help. He went willing, but didn't carry through with the advice we were given.  We have both been in counseling, both marriage and individual counseling. It is so hard when you are the only one trying to make things work!!!
I am still in counseling. But, my husband stopped going about 4-5 months ago. I think he just doesn't want to be accountable to anyone for his actions. Things have gotten worse over these months.

He travels with his job. He doesn't work full time but gets paid for full time. It's the nature of the job. He has only been working about 4-5 times a month. The rest of the time he is home 24/7. This doesn't help! He either watches TV or is on the computer. To be together so much and not get along is terribly difficult.
He manipulates, controls and is a taker. He is rarely a giver. He doesn't have a great relationship with anyone at the moment and really doesn't stay in regular contact with anyone except for 2 family members.
He has no friends here. His only freinds and family are in his hometown. He moved to my town from out of town when we got married. He has no social life, no hobbies to speak of. He has a variety of health issues, many due to his weight issues.

He resents me doing things with my friends. He thinks he should be included in all my activities. He says he doesn't  want to be included, but then is very resentful whenever I get together with my girlfriends.

As a Christian, I love him as the Lord loves him and my heart aches for him. When we got married he was on fire for God and one could tell he loved God with all his heart. But now it seems he has abondoned God and everything associated with God. I know God is the only one who can "fix" my husband. But, I am beginning to believe he doesn't want "fixed". It is heart wrenching to see him like this.
My emotional and physical health is suffering from all the stress.
I have no energy for anything.

It is so simple for everyone to say, " just end the marriage". But as many women can identify with , there are many issues especially financial that enter the picture when making such a decision.
As with so many other women , living on my own financially would be a real challenge for a variety of reasons.
Aside from this, I believe in commitment and far too many couples divorce the minute they face any issues in their marriage.

I am middle aged ( as is my husband ) and I know what I need to do. But, I haven't worked in about 12 years and I am on disability. It is extremley difficult to be on my feet for any length of time due to injuries to my ankles. I have been in the medical profession and don't really have any other training. So much has changed in the medical field in the past 12 years. I know I couldn't go back to school.

There is no doubt that we are both hurting. I recognize that my husband has so many emotional issues from his past that he needs healing from before he can continue in life in a healthy relationship. I am his 4th wife.:-(
I now recognize that he has brought all the issues into each of his marriages. His first two marriages only lasted a year. But I excused those because he was young when he married both times. The third time hewas married for 14 years and they had 3 kids. From his description I thought his ex was the real problem. Now that I have gotten to know his youngest daughter  ( 20 yrs old ) I understand how unhealthy the marriage was.  I now understand why each ended.  I now know he left a lot of important information out when we were dating. I was far too trusting. I now realize that. You know what they say about hindsight!!

I know there are so many others that have been through similair circumstances and I want to hear from you and how you made it through. How did you manage? If your husband was addicted to online porno were you able to help him stop? How? If you have been through verbal and emotional abuse how did you survive it?
If you decided to end the marriage how did you plan for it?

I know I am a survivor and that God will get me through this just like every other trial I have been through. I just need support and prayers!!!!!

I hope to hear from those who have helpful advice and support. I am a good listener, so I am more than happy to listen to what others are going through.
God Bless!!!! Have a Blessed Day!!!!!
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 10, 2008 - 9:08PM #2
Posts: 1,053
I'm new to this site, too. I read your post and nodded my head to nearly everything you said. I've been through the whole thing you mentioned. 14 yrs of agonizing hell. Fear, loss of self respect et cetera. Take your religion out of it and ask yourself why you're staying. These AREN'T just issues. The man has many very serious problems -as a guess misogyny could be one of them- and he isn't going to love you just because you put up with his junk. If anything his regard for you probably couldn't go any lower. Take off your rose-colored glasses. It isn't going to get any better. Honey, how many times  has he said he'll change? If he was he going to changed he'da done it by now. Does he blame his childhood? He's hiding behind his view of your religion. Man is the boss and you are his servant. Sorry, sister. No longer. You are on disability. You get X amount. If you weren't used to the life style you are living now, of course knowing nothing about you, can you live within your means while getting disability? Take an online course or three to brush up the areas you're weak in. BABYSIT. Be a safe place for Teen girls to come to until the parent(s) get home. As a medical professional you know about women's shelters. That's why they are there. For these very situations. Why are you allowing your pride/fear/fill in the blank/ to hold you in a dangerous situation? Are you accepting the blame he heaps on you? Are there children involved?
My ex husband was an violently, destructive,abusive drunkard addicted to gay porn. (If he had come out of the closet the poor thing would have been so much happier). As it was, he was drunk early into our marriage and oh yes the proverbial christian, godlover. Yeah. When I said NO MORE he attempted suicide 3 times. This is the ultimate control because of "what if he does"...Second time the police came to my work to tell me what the husband tried. Quite, quite severe. The officer also explained there are three types of suicides: Those who do it and not say anything. Those who think they do until they actually try and they call for help. The third is spousal control... Ex tried to call me at work before he did his dastardly deed. No doubt to threaten me with his suicide if I didn't take him back. He was involuntarily committed for psychiatric evaluation. I'm angry but I'm angry for you since it seems right now you are not capable to be angry for your self. If you feel this post is objectionable please tell the moderator. It is harsh. Look at what you wrote, in your anguish, objectively, and tell me: What would you tell your dearest girl friend? I'm boodlebear. Visit me if you wish.
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 10, 2008 - 9:31PM #3
Posts: 1
God did not intend for us to be miserable in our marriage.  If you are looking for an answer, to say its OK to let go now, and that you have done everything YOU could possible do, then I think God would say its time for you to seek a better life.  You have done your part by hanging in there, and trying to make things better, but you said he hasn't applied counseling advice, nor does he care to continue trying to make things better.  I think that as long as you continue the relationship on his terms (i.e. letting him talk to you however he wants to, surfing the net for porm, & soliciting other women), then he won't ever make an effort to change, and things will just continue to be the same way.................... I believe, ultimtely in Gods eyes, he does not expect you to keep fighting, while continuosly being disrespected, and getting nowhere.   God will not let you endure more than what you can handle, or what is right........... I know that in Gods 'time" he does work miracles, and people do change, however, people, have to be willing to make the effort to do so........... if this involves starting divorce proceedings, then that is what it might take for him to know just how serious the situation is............  and if that does not make him want to takes some serious messures in his life to keep his marriage together, then he will NEVER change his behavior............... 

There is NO excuse for verbal abuse !!!  You really need to sit down and talk with him, and tell him that he must seek counseling, or the marriage is over........... it takes drastic measures, to make drastic changes in some people................ and at least you know by talking to him, and making a stand, you have done everything in your heart  to "make the change".............. if he says he does not want to work on saving the marriage, and he doesn't care about ending the marriage, then you need to know that as well,............ accept it, and change YOUR world, if you cannot change the situation.................  that excuse that he is making about "ALL the guys are doing it",,,,,,,,,,, is a cop-out.  Sure most men, including My husband look at women on-line.......... and I am not saying that this is right either,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, however it is definately wrong to act on those behaviors like, suggestion of corresponding with these women, entering chat room with this women, on line sex with this women, etc..........  And I do believe that he is probably seeking his support elsewhere, because that need in his life is not being filled either.......two people simply should not continue a marriage together that they aren't BOTH willing to work on it........the special needs that people have, need to be fullfilled from each other ....couples, by right should have the feeling of security, and to know  that they are the most important thing in the world  to that other person.........(other than GOD)................. To be treated with respect, love, & friendship is ultimately what everyone wants in a marriage...... and this should be the goal for each spouse................... anyways, I really do think that only counseling (and definately his "willingness" to continue seeking help)  could even save this marriage......................however, you said you already tried that avenue........... Sister, I really think its just time for you to really ask God to help you take that first step.............. keep praying to God, and looking to him for the answers.............. trust in him, and he will show you the way.

take care
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 10, 2008 - 9:52PM #4
Posts: 1,053
Unless of course you are actually hoping someone's going to tell you to stay. Then all this is for naught. But, maybe not. Maybe you just need a fire lit under your tail to get you started thinking of your LIFE.
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 11, 2008 - 12:57PM #5
Posts: 1,177
Hi Joy',
Welcome and sorry for what has brought you here. I just wanted to chime in with agreement to what the previous posters have written. I was in the same situation as you with my exH of 17 yrs. and it is painful in and painful getting out but in the end the weight that was released from me was bittersweet. I feel your pain and helplessness honey so there are no promises given of an easy road ahead. You do have your faith and that will give you incredible strength. You just have to consider so many things as I'd imagine you have already. For ex; if he does meet someone online and does get involved with them, the risk of contracting something and passing it on to you. The fact that in the end he may leave you for another. The biggest thing is what all this is doing to you as it will change you. Again, my heart goes out to you and I pray things will turn out well for you. peace, songbird
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 11, 2008 - 2:29PM #6
Posts: 2,849
AM so sorry for your sitation.  I weep every time someone posts that they are the on the receiving end of any kind of abuse.  Who has the right to abuse another human being?

Boodlebear- your post was inspired!

Wish I could be of more help here, but really you need to be your own advocate.

I do know there are educational programs for those identified as displaced homemakers.  These are programs where the fees are waived and you get to attend class/obtain skills. Please check with your local community college.

Also, there are other avenues of assistance if you  opt to leave your current situation. WOmen's shelters are one example.  Can the members of your church be of assistance to you? Maybe one has a room for rent, in exchange for light housekeeping chores?

Also, assuming your hubby was genuine with his affections for you/and the Lord at the beginning of your marriage (something Princess mentioned in a post on another thread of yours), is this some sort of mental deterioration affecting him? Don't know how you would be able to get him into treatment for this-esp if he refuses to seek treatment for himself.

And maybe this man is truly evil, duped you and continues to use you - for as long as you are willing to remain by him.  I cannot imagine any sort of Superior Being supporting such a miserable marriage.   I would think you are fully justified in getting out and regaining your tranquility/peace of mind.

good luck!

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7 years ago  ::  Mar 12, 2008 - 12:00AM #7
Posts: 23
Boodlebear, Irene, poecar and songbird,
Please excuse any spelling mistakes as my glasses broke and I am waiting on my new ones and seeing up close is a challenge right now. I left my upclose glasses they lent me in the car and I am too tired to go get them !!
Thank you so much for all your kind words and support!!!!!
I am seeing my therapist tomorrow and my pastor next week and formulating a plan, I am done being hurt.!!!!!!!
I own my own home...He will be the one that must leave and just about everything in my home was mine when we married :-)
I have two forms of income but not enough to live on with my current bills. I am on social security disability and it has been difficult to hold down a job. I know I will get alimony for a couple years,
Perhaps this will give me some time to find something to add to my income.
All the bills but three are in my name :-(
So I am going to look into my options...
I have a sister that is very supportive, she and her 2nd  husband will help where ever they can and she has been through a similiar situation in her first marriage. I have wonderful friends!! And a wonderful GOD!!! I will survive!!!!
The husband unleashed his mouth on me tonight and I told him he is just a bully and his words don't hurt me anymore and he is just full of hot air!! He thinks he is big n bad because he knows nasty names to call me, but I know who I am in GOD, 
He stormed downstairs to watch a couple movies we rented. He became verbally abusive because I wanted to go to sleeo instead of watching the movies, I have a lot of insomnia problems and only slept three hours last night. I saw a specialist today because I have been having problems with my memory and wanted to find out if it is just stress. She determined I am depressed and have a lot of anxiety. Imagine that!! LOL  She is going to evaluate the other testing to see if there are any organic problems with my brain.
I know I must put ALL this in GOD'S hands and just trust him to guide me through this process.
I do all the bills and my husband has been threatening to move his direct deposit from work to a bank that I won't know and he will give me the money he thinks I need to pay bills. I have been working hard to establish credit from a previous bankruptcy from 12 years ago and I really don't want to mess up my credit.  I have already spoken with a lawyer who said " we will find the money if this happens." But I need to pray about what to do in the meantime if he carries through with this threat. I admit I have allowed this to " control" how I react to him. I need to get past this.... I know.
Will write again when I can get to the computer without him around......
Thanks Again
Joy :-)
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 12, 2008 - 12:10AM #8
Posts: 23
is there a way to get email addresses from those willing to give them that are eager to talk back and forth? I don't mind giving mine to others here that have psoted to me. . I just don't know if it is allowed to be put in this post. ( Since I am new here and don't know all the rules. )
You weren't harsh, you were honest and I need to hear honest right now. I need encouragement. I have asked God to show me a way out. Perhaps he will use people here to help encourage me and help show me the way :-)
I am not upset :by your words or anyones else's here :-) I don't know when I reply in this kind of post if everyone can read it or just you? How does this work?
I know I received one of the post directly to my email address.
Joy :-)
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 12, 2008 - 1:25AM #9
Posts: 21
Hi Joyinfaith56,

I agree with everyone else, Im divorced, and I do know it takes two to make it work.
Relationships are work, it sounds like you have done everything you can, you can't change other people, but you can change yourself. I think men feel, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" I was married for 17 years with 3 children, I decided I was better off alone with my children, then with him and miserable. Im much happier and so is he.
they become compacent. Maybe a trual sepration? You could see how that goes
Good Luck
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 12, 2008 - 6:04AM #10
Posts: 1,053
[QUOTE=ANGELMOMSTLOUISMO;350764]Hi Joyinfaith56,

I agree with everyone else, Im divorced, and I do know it takes two to make it work.
Relationships are work, it sounds like you have done everything you can, you can't change other people, but you can change yourself. I think men feel, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" I was married for 17 years with 3 children, I decided I was better off alone with my children, then with him and miserable. Im much happier and so is he.
they become compacent. Maybe a trual sepration? You could see how that goes
Good Luck[/QUOTE]
Trial separations can be such a waste of energy and can build up false hope. Though I freely admit that good has come of them, but in this case I'm giving a thumbs down. I know you can see she needs to rescue her self from this. One last time my ex called me for "help" and I had to grow ovaries and tell him NO. It was a ruse. After that he tried his old false suicide trick: the abusive marriage partner's equivalent to holding his breath. If there seemed to be any hope at all I'd go along with your suggestion. I can't in all good consciousness.
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