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7 years ago  ::  Mar 10, 2008 - 5:57PM #1
Joynfaith56
Posts: 23
Hello, I am new to this site. I don't know how to do anything fancy with my site. So bear with me.
I am here for all the support , advice and help God can provide through others.
There are far to many issues to go into here in a public forum. But I am looking for others who have or are going through a simliar situation that can offer advice and support.
My husband and I are in our 50's and Christians.
We have been married for almost 7 years and I am experiencing verbal and emotional abuse from my husband. I also just  recently discovered that he has placed an online ad for a "discreet affair?". I have not yet confronted my husband about this. I am seeing my pastor and my counselor first to get some advice. I don't want to scream and yell about this. I want to approach this in a calm manner. My husband is certainly addicted to "smutty" pictures online and "looking" at other women online whether at U-tube or any other site. This has been going on for quite some time.  This has severely impacted our relationship. I don't feel secure or loved and all trust for and in my husband is pretty well gone at this point.
He of course thinks that I am to blame for a great many things in the marriage, including his anger management problem, the lack of intimacy in our marriage and for not meeting all his needs, just to name a few things.
I have all the responsibilities that biblically belong to the husband in this marriage. I am physically and emotinally drained.

I know this is a toxic relationship. I know we are both unhappy. He threatens to leave on a regular basis. I don't make threats to end the marriage.  I have tried desperately for the past 5 years to seek marital help. We have both been in counseling, both marriage and individual counseling.
I am still in counseling.  But, my husband stopped going about 4-5 months ago. I think he just doesn't want to be accountable to anyone for his actions. Things have gotten worse over these months.
He travels with his job. He doesn't work full time but gets paid for full time. It's the nature of the job. He has only been working about 4-5 times a month. The rest of the time he is home 24/7. This doesn't help! He either watches TV or is on the computer. To be together so much and not get along is terribly difficult.
He manipulates, controls and is a taker. He is rarely a giver. He doesn't have a great relationship with anyone at the moment and really  stays in regular contact with anyone except for 2 family members.
He has no friends. His freinds and family are in his hometown. He moved to my town from out of town when we got married. He has no social life, no hobbies to speak of. He has a variety of health issues, many due to his weight issues.
He resents me doing things with my friends. He thinks he should be included in all my activities.
As a christian, I love him as the Lord loves him and my heart aches for him. When we got married he was on fire for God and one could tell he loved God with all his heart. But now it seems he has abondoned God and everything associated with God. I know God is the only one who can "fix" my husband.  But, I am beginning to believe he doesn't want "fixed".  It is heart wrenching to see him like this.
My emotional and physical health is suffering from all the stress.
I have no energy for anything.
It is so simple for everyone to say, " just end the marriage". But as many women can identify with , there are many issues especially financial that enter the picture when making such a decision.
As with so many other women , living on my own financially would be a real challenge for a variety of reasons.
Aside from this, I believe in commitment and far too many couples divorce the minute they face any issues in their marriage.
I am middle aged ( as is my husband ) and I know what I need to do. But, I haven't worked in about 12 years and I am on disability. It is extremly difficult to be on my feet for any length of time due to injuries to my ankles. I have been in the medical profession and don't really have any other training. So much has changed in the medical field in the past 12 years. I know I couldn't go back to school.
I know there are so many others that have been through similair circumstances and I want to hear from you and  how you made it through. How did you manage? If your husband was addicted to online porno were you able to help him stop?  How? If you have been through verbal and emotional abuse how did you survive it?   
If you decided to end the marriage how did you plan for it?
I hope to hear from those who have helpful advice and support. I am a good listener, so I am more than happy to listen to what others are going through.
God Bless!!!!
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 11, 2008 - 10:55AM #2
princess0602
Posts: 271
Joy,
I know many woman who have gone back to school in their 50's.  Haven't you heard honey, 50 is the new 30.  I heard this on the news this am.  OK, so your financially challenged but there is income coming in somewhere.  Open a savings account or stash left over cash from grocery shopping and hide it somewhere.  Start saving.  Further, can you get a job in a medical office as a front desk person or accounting person where you don't have to be on your feet all day?  Any income is better than no income and it would get you out of the house while your husband is on his off time.
I had a husband with serious anger management problems as well Joy and I understand your apprehension in not mentioning the ad or the online porn but I must ask you this honest question...Where is your self esteem?  You don't have to take this crap from anyone honey.  Talk to God.  Tell him your problem and tell him exactly what you want.  He will bless you and all you have to do is ask, believe in the blessing, accept the blessing and move on.
Confront him girlfriend and let him know that it is unacceptable to you.  When he threatens to move out tell him you will gladly help him pack.  Honey, he is just as dependent on you as you are on him.  Trust me, this is hey he insists on being with you on every endeavor with your friends.  Your friends are a threat to him and his comfy life style.  He is afraid that your friends will knock some sense into you but if he is around all the time then you can't go there.  If I was your friend I would be shaking you at this point and guiding you out of this mess.
Further, I would do nothing more for this man.  When his behavior becomes unacceptable I would ignore him, go about my life and do for myself.  DID YOU HEAR ME HONEY...DO FOR YOURSELF!  Pick yourself up by your boot straps, dust yourself off, forgive yourself for allowing this to happen and get on with living for YOU.  He is clearly living for HIM. 
He basically tricked you into marriage Joy.  You stated that it started two years after you got married.  He was on fire for God and all of a sudden the fire went out.  He did not present himself to be the man he really is because he was afraid that you wouldn't like the over weight, sickly, angry, verbally abusive, pervert that he REALLY is so he temporarily became someone that he thought you would love and cherish.  They cannot hold this venere very long and seems that he was able to hold it together for quite some time.  Good for him but bad for you.
OK, so it is what it is right?  What are you going to do about it?  Are you going to turn this around into a postive affirmative statement or are you going to continue to think small and negatively?  Instead of what can I do?  How about I have a wonderful job with adequate income right now!  Of course you have to look for the job.  How about, I am OK and I am able to stand on my own two feet! 
His actions are not a reflection of you Joy...it is a reflection of who he really is.  Don't take responsibility for his actions.  That is not your job baby.  Who cares what he does...it is HIS life and you have your life.  What are you going to do with it now?
Live your life and don't allow the abuse.  Walk away when it starts.  Leave the house and for goodness sakes DON'T OWN WHAT HE SAYS!  His opinion is none of your business.  Let his ugly destroy him not you.
Please e-mail me if you need anything further.
Love to you Joy! :D
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 13, 2008 - 6:49PM #3
milagro
Posts: 30
HI Joy,

Let me first start by wecoming you to the forum. There are many wonderful people here and more than making friends I found that it helps to hear the advice and support from strangers.  So I recommend careful thought and consideraton to every post. I'm not middle aged and I have never been married but I have been abused and I have had a cheating lover and more what I see hear that made me talk to you is that I have had an abused spirit and been afraid of living life for myself. I see in your words an abused woman who has gotten used to her abuse:

married for almost 7 years and I am experiencing verbal and emotional abuse from my husband.
Seven Years and five have been bad......To many years of abuse we as humans are creatures of habit. Though you do not like the abuse you seem to become accustom to it. Giving your self no way out.

He of course thinks that I am to blame for a great many things in the marriage,
I have all the responsibilities that biblically belong to the husband in this marriage. I am physically and emotinally drained.

You know he is wrong you know you are not to blame for the problems in this marriage. You see that you are carring more of the stress and responsibility of the realationship and you know that it is not right. Do you know the human body will suffer aliments such as heart disease, anxiety, insomnia, and migraines as warning signs or results of your body being  under to much stress. Your recent health aliments are your body's way of screaming though you think you can take this....We can not any more. You don't believe in giving up on realtionships...Well what about giving up on your own life? This kind of stress at this time in your life is severly affecting your body. Yo are pushing your self to an early grave just being with this man. Think he appreciates it??

I have tried desperately for the past 5 years to seek marital help. We have both been in counseling, both marriage and individual counseling.
My only question here is why really do you hold on to this man? 5 years of trying to make it work to no avail? Really you have to see the mariage has never worked and even if it did it has not worked for far longer than it had worked.

[I know this is a toxic relationship. I know we are both unhappy. He threatens to leave on a regular basis. I don't make threats to end the marriage.
I do not think your husband is unhappy with you. As far as it goes it seems he is unhappy with him and in order to make himself feel better he bashes you. Really in a way five years of counseling has been a waste of money and time and effort. hes being couseled for a better mariage but does not want to have one he likes the way he treats you and he likes the way he is. I know this may sound hurtful but Joy sweetness think about it. all these years of counseling and your doing the exact same thing??? Is he sick or just blowing smoke up your skirt so you'll stick around?
[I am still in counseling.  But, my husband stopped going about 4-5 months ago. I think he just doesn't want to be accountable to anyone for his actions. Things have gotten worse over these months.
Cause now he sees how stucks hes got you. He sees first and foremost that you are afraid to be alone that is why he constantly threatens you. He sees you don't know your worth so he instills in you that you are worthless. That is why he doesn't want you to have any friends or do anything without him. He wants you to be weak and dependent think you can not do better and that you can not leave becaues then he can continue to treat you how he wants. I forsee not to far in the future the way things are going this man will start physically abusing you soon. You have to get strong Joy and you have to find your voice.

He manipulates, controls and is a taker. He is rarely a giver. He doesn't have a great relationship with anyone at the moment and really  stays in regular contact with anyone except for 2 family members.
He has no friends. He has no social life, no hobbies to speak of. He has a variety of health issues, many due to his weight issues.

See Joy no body likes this man he has nothing but you, he knows this he resents it. He knows he is not a prince and a lot of his meaness comes form the fact he is afraid you to will see it and leave him to his misery like the rest of the world. He belives if he keeps you in fear if he keeps the focus constant on what is wrong with you...you will not see what is wrong with him or that you will noe beilive you can do better.

[I]It is so simple for everyone to say, " just end the marriage". But as many women can identify with , there are many issues especially financial that enter the picture when making such a decision.[/I]This Joy is called an excuse. You are making excuses for yourself. I'm sorry but that is what this is. I understand you are afraid. All your next words they scream fear. fear he has instilled in you or that you may have always had and thats why you married this man.

[I] I believe in commitment and far too many couples divorce the minute they face any issues in their marriage.[/I]
This is you trying to justify your misery make yourself feel good about what is making you feel bad. You have to let this thought go. You are not a good woman because you stay with this man. You are not strong you are not wise you are not going to make it better fix nor save him. Please forgive me if you feel my words are rude. In myheart they are truth. With all gods love Joy this is the lie you tell your self to protect you from the pain of the truth. Its ok all abused women have been there. Five years trying to make a loveless realtionship work is not being a Martyr its being a murder of ones self.

I haven't worked in about 12 years and I am on disability. It is extremly difficult to be on my feet for any length of time due to injuries to my ankles.
I'm with Leah go back to school, find a differnt job you are very fortunate to be middle aged in a very progressive era there are plenty jobs out there for disabled and elderly persons. There are also room mates, family and low income housing. Do you have any single girlfriends who maybe you could share expenses with? A child you could move closer to who could assist you in living?

You ask how do you live through abuse you don't... You are either abused and you accept it or you are abused and you get away.  The only way to stop abuse is to be intolerant of it. Its hard to explain Joy but the best way I can think to describe it is that you have lost your you voice. The voice inside you that says you are powerful you are beautiful you never deserve for epeople any person to disrespect your person or take from your happiness. I suggest that you leave this man. No amount of counseling or prayer or love is going to change him and I know so many will raise a voice in protest. But all I can say is no, he does not want to change. He is happy being him. So, let him be him mean fat and unliked. You need to stop counseling for mariage and start counseling for you I suggest a ne counselor since the one you have is obviously just in it for the money and not the person. I suggest maybe for go a counselor and join a woman's empowered group. Joy my swwet qwoman some where along the way these last fifty years you have lost a great love for yourself. I suggest that you immedately start searching for it...Get away from this man....... stop trying to get close to him and get close to you.....May god be with you open your eyes to see your beauty and strength...Give you the courage of a lion.
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 15, 2008 - 4:03PM #4
Joynfaith56
Posts: 23
Milagro,
I have posted some more on my situation on the divorce forum you might want to read them . I replied to your post in there :-)
Joy :-)
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 15, 2008 - 4:06PM #5
Joynfaith56
Posts: 23
OOPS, I think my post went before I was finished , so here is my final draft. Sorry for any repition!!!!

Before I begin my post. I have a question. I figured out how to add people to my buddy list here at this site. :-)
But how do I add my email address (under my username ) to other people when someone left clicks on my user name?
I see where one can click to email others when you right click on the user name.
Let me know :-) Joy

Now to my post......
Well the hubby is at work today ( in another city  for the next 24-36 hours). So I am home alone and free to be online and post my updates as to what has been happening this past week.

For anyone reading this for a first time my original post is under MARRIAGE: CONTINUE OR END?" BY JOYNFAITH56.
I have known the truth that you all talk about concerning my situation for quite some time now.  I am just not a quitter and that's why I have tried so hard to make things work. I really think Dr. Phil has a lot of good advice. He says a couple should never get divorced until both of you have done everything you can to make things work and that you run out of options and you can walk away in a friendly manner. I believe "I" have done everything one can do.
I understand I have done everything I can and that I have no more options. :-(

Since I found out about my husbands online "ad's for "sex and an affair" I had been praying for God to guide me in the way I reacted to the news to my husband. I didn't want to scream and yell and act like a wildwoman.
God let me know that HE would let me know when the "right" time to talk to my husband about all this would be.
( I pray about all my decisions )

Wednesday night my husband unleashed his mouth on me all because I  was very tired and I wanted to go to sleep at midnight and he wanted to watch movies. He stormed downstairs and watched them.. Much to my supsrise the next day he apologized, then said, "I don't know why I do that". I said " I do" . At that moment I knew  God finally opened the door for me to talk to my husband about what I had discovered.

We had a very long talk, about 3 hours. I told my hubby that I knew all about his little plan online and about the specific ad that he had placed at a "singles" web site stating that he was looking for a "discreet encounter", erotic chat, email and "other alternatives" . I told him I also knew that he had placed an online profile at a site that is a site for folks looking strictly for "sex". Why don't they just call it like it is.  " INFIDELITY!!!! 
Much to my suprise he didn't seem the least bit irritated that I had gone on under his screen name and looked where he had been online. In fact , he said I was just playing around,  " go online and delete anything you want ."  So I did!!!!! I deleted everything :-)
Ok, I know what you are thinking!!!!
Please don't think " is Joy that dumb?" I know he can go right back on and re- do it all those web sites!!  But I am not giving him that chance.  I told him I don't want this kind of smut in this house.  So my next move to insure this is to find a "filter" to put on the computer that will disable his ability to get to any of these kinds of sites.
I found out that there are programs that you can dictate what sites are allowed. I understand he needs to be able to access his work site. Other than that everything else will be locked out.

About the ads online:
I know that I told you that he has been having some health issues ( diabetes and weight issues, among other problems ) and when I asked him "why did you post an ad that stated you are looking for a "discreet enounter"? He said, " Me, have an affair with my problems? Right!!" I was just playing around." I never meant any of it."  I told him " men don't put ad's online if they aren't serious "!! But I do know his "physical" problems and I know that having an affair in the physical sense would be just about impossible. I honestly think he is looking to see if he can peak anyone's interest in him and have them say " all the right things to him," all those "things" that he thinks I am not saying to him. He wants his ego stroked. Also, there are lots of smutty pictures at these sites that being on the site gave him access to.
He just wants some poor woman to think he is the " poor misundertood / neglected husband" is my guess!!!

While we were talking I told him that I will NOT tolerate his verbal or emotional abuse and that I will not continue to live like this. I told him he has decisions to make concerning "his" own life. Decisions which I cannot make for him.
I told him he could decide to change his life and find some happiness that he use to have or he could continue as he is and be miserable the rest of his life. I am convinced that he will never know or appreciate me and never realize what a good and godly wife he had until he no longer has me. His misfortune. What he doesn't seem to really understand is that if we divorce that there will be no coming back and saying " I'm sorry, I realize what a mistake I made".  Once it is over , it is over !!!  All he will have in life then, is "himself".
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 15, 2008 - 4:07PM #6
Joynfaith56
Posts: 23
Now, to answer questions I remember from questions in your posts.
I thought answering all your questions in one post be be easier.
I am buying my home through a trust my parents left me ( long story ). So I won't be the one to leave. My husband will. I however, need time to formulate a plan. As those of you that have been through this , Plans make it a lot easier than having to suddenly do things ( as one would have to do if physically harmed ). 
I haven't worked in 12 years. I am a nurse, but things in medicine have changed drastically. They tend to hire the gals right out of school rather than take the time to train middle age gals. I don't know if anyone will give me a break financially or give me other training while I am still married with my current income.
I Iive in an area where jobs are not in adundance in my LPN field.
I know I need to find some thing that will bring in more income in addition to what I already have coming in.
I am physically limited by some physical problems as far as being on my feet at all.
I know I need to look into my options of perhaps bankruptcy to alleviate my financial burden.  My husband went bankrupt the year before I met him, so he is unable to file again this soon. But I could.
To answer someones question about living with my children.....
I have two grown sons. But neither are in a postion where I could go live with either of them for a variety of reasons.
My youngest ( 26 ) and I are the closest . He lives with his girlfriend and they just don't have the room.

I am working with my counselor about all these issues. :-) I already have a lawyer lined up.

About the abuse:
In the beginning  ( began about 5 years ago ) ( been married  6 1/2. ) When he first started calling me names and began the verbal and emotional abusive I was just plain hurt. Then a best freind ( also a Christian ) said, " You are a child of God and you are none of those things he calls you!!" You need to address him spiritually.
So then when he verbally abused me, I began saying to the "enemy" that is oppressing my husband,
" IN the Name of Jesus, I rebuke you."  That shocked him, and of course irritated him. But it has helped, it shuts him up.!!  :-)
Now  these are some of the other things I say to him when he starts: 
" I know who I am in Christ. I am none of the names you call me". " I am a child of God."
"God doesn't make junk."
"You are nothing but a bully and full of hot air. " Your words mean nothing to me."  "Do those words make you feel like a BIG man?"
"Your words are just "words." I am not ___ Or ____.

I believe that one of you mentioned that I had become " use to the abuse", or come to accept it. I think at first that might be true  , but now I don't feel that way. In the beginning, I use to verbally fight with him about the things he said or became defensive and cried and  I would tell him how badly he hurt me.  Now, I just walk away from him or leave the house. If it is at night. I tell him , " You reap what you sow" . Or, I become absolutely quiet and won't even speak to him or answer him.  He really doesn't seem to get why I won't say anything to him after he has verbally abused me but he hates this.

**** I think what I need is some "ideas" of what kind of consequences others have given their spouses when being abused verbally or emotionally. I don't think emotional or verbal abuse is any less damaging than physical. You may not see visible bruises , but your heart and soul are bruised.  Sometimes, I think that verbal and emotional abuse have longer lasting effects than physical abuse.****


***** I need some advice on how others handle this type of abuse.
I am sure there are those of you that will be happy to share advice.  :-)
By the grace of God, I have never been verbally , emotionally or physically abused by a man before.
It's all new to me. :-(
I realize some time ago that the ways in which I reacted at the beginning of the abuse most likely gave my husband all the wrong ideas. Also, I was so shocked by the abuse in the beginning that I'm sure I gave him all the wrong signals. I basically taught him how to treat me badly.  I obviously made him think that he could continue to be verbally and emotionally abusive. He has never physically abused me. He knows if he ever touches me that I will call the police and he will never ever get the chance to touch me again. I know my two sons intimidate him!!!!
( 26, and 35 ) He knows NOT to touch me. My 26 yr old son and I are especially close. I would hate to think what he would do if my husband ever touched me!!!! he is hvaing enough issues with my husband being verbally and emotionally abusive!!

****My "husband" has made one particlular "threat" that I have been unsure of how to deal with.
Maybe someone out there can help me with this one!!!
I am going to explain the threat and then listen for advice.

THE "THREAT"
I'm sure you have all figured out  by now that my husband is a control freak and loves to manipulate.
The "threat" that concerns me the most is this one:
"I will change my work pay that is direct deposited to our bank to another "unknown" bank that you will not know about or have access to, and " I " will give you the money " I " think you need to pay bills.
A) He is clueless about our bills. How many we have, who we owe and when the bills are due.
He complains he doesn't know where all the money goes but refuses to ever sit down with me when I am doing the bills for me to show him exactly where all the money does go.
God help him if anything ever happened to me and he suddenly had to be the one responsible for all this!!!

B) If he handled the money , we wouldn't have any.  He is impulsive and never reads any "fine" print. He buys, then thinks about it later... maybe.  He makes really unwise financial choices.  He admits all this. 
He wasn't like this when we got married. It showed up later... :-(

If you remember,  I explained I handle all the responsibility in our household. I do all the bills, ( I do all the banking, balance the ckbook , pay all the bills  ) I handle all the medical, I do it all. Inside the house and outside. The ONLY repsonsibility my husband assumes is: to go to work. I explained with his job that he gets full time pay  even though he works part time with what he does right now.  He averages working about 4 maybe 5 times a month. The rest of the time he is home with me. ( Not so much fun, very stressful!! ) Many men would love this job!!! Of course, the more he gets called out to work,  the more he gets paid. He could take another postion with the same company about an hour away and work a full work week and make more money. He has talked about doing this in the past month.
But ,
A):    Current gasoline cost  would most likely eat up the extra money he would make. ( he also drives a truck )
B)   He is lazy enough that he really doesn't want to work a full work week!!!
Now that I have explained his "threat " you should know that whenever he is "unhappy" with what I do or say , he reminds me of this threat...........There is a part of me that believes he would carry out the threat.

Now perhaps there are those of you that would say. "Listen< if he really was serious about this he would have already done it ." Perhaps, but if you were I and really couldn't do a divorce yet, how would you respond to this threat?

I do appreciate all your kind words, input and honesty. It really helps to get others insight and advice from what they have been through and how they handled it. You will be glad to know that my closest friends and family members have been telling me much of the same that all of you have been telling me.   

I'll be waiting to hear from all of you.....
If anyone wants to email me ...Feel free. ( as soon as I find out how to make my email address available !! )
Joy :-)
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 17, 2008 - 10:10AM #7
princess0602
Posts: 271
Honey, I can see that there is not a devious bone in your body.  He takes advantage of this.
What I would do?  I would play dumb with him and start "paying myself" for all the services that I provide in the household.  Do it in a discreet way.  I'm sure you could figure something out.  Since he obviously doesn't have a clue, I would set up my own "secret" account and place the money into it weekly.  Turn his threat into a reality but against him.  Oh and when it is all said and done make sure to thank him for the wonderful idea!
Further, before I would use any of my trust money paying for the home, I would consult an attorney.  This may end up being marital property in your state and as such could wind up being up to 50% his in the end.  If it is an inheritance then whether you co-mingle it or not it still remains your marital property, however, to be on the safe side, I would definately consult with an attorney prior to doing anything.
Keep us posted.
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 18, 2008 - 9:07PM #8
Joynfaith56
Posts: 23
Princess,
Thanks for your kind words. It is nice that people see who I really am. My husband thinks all my "friends" have been totally fooled by me. He says " because they aren't married to you, they really don't know the real you.
That is really funny because my freinds have been freinds for years on end. my longest since we were 16 ( now 56 ) My other friends have been freinds for 26 yrs +. My husband has 0 freinds here where we live ( he moved here from another town 6 years ago when we married. He has 1 true freind that I know of back in his homewtown...
My freinds know me better then he ever will and they still love me unconditionally ."

you wrote:
Further, before I would use any of my trust money paying for the home, I would consult an attorney"

No worry about the trust :-)
My parents thought of everything when they created the trust : It is protected agAInst anything, bankruptcy, divorce, ex-husbands or exisisting husbands . HE CAN'T TOUCH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-) Also, an attorney is the trustee: :-)
SO I AM COMPLETELY SAFE :-)
Thanks
Joy :-)
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7 years ago  ::  Mar 18, 2008 - 9:21PM #9
boodlebear
Posts: 1,053
[COLOR="Magenta"]I just breathed a sigh of relief. I am so glad for you, girly. And yeah, you are a nice person, and I've only known you a handful of posts[/COLOR]
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