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Switch to Forum Live View Letting go of anger is hard...
5 years ago  ::  Dec 30, 2008 - 10:45PM #1
teachingmuse
Posts: 5
I'm a single mom who is now nearing the end of her divorce.  My marriage had been over for some time before I finally filed for divorce.  My husband told me that he is gay, and encouraged me to move on from the relationship.  We had been married for 5 years, and together for almost 10.  For some time now, I have been extremely angry.  I'm angry at him, I'm angry at myself for wasting my time on him, I'm just a generally very angry person.  I know that I shouldn't be that way, but I'm not prepared to "forgive and forget" at this time.  I feel like if I forgive him, then I'm opening myself up to being hurt again.

I'm trying to appear completely normal for my two young sons.  I realize that they should have a relationship with their father, and I don't mind encouraging that.  Because they're so young, I would like to gradually re-introduce them so that they feel comfortable with him again.  But, I refuse to communicate with him, acknowledge him, or give him the time of day unless he needs to talk to me about the children.  I'm trying to be the bigger person and do what's right, but I'm also human. 

Is there a way for me to let go of the anger?  I've tried talking to people and writing things down and I'm still at the same point.  Thanks for listening!
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 31, 2008 - 1:16AM #2
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
teachingmuse-
What helps with the dissolution and dispersion of anger varies a great deal from individual to individual; personally, I like retreating to a lonely place and screaming my head off, and/or working out on a heavy bag, punching until I'm exhausted.  (I read somewhere about the "screaming tree," a tree a ways off from everyone else, where you could go to spill out what's on your mind without injuring another.)

What do you think would work for you?  Sounds like talking and writing it out hasn't helped much, yet.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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5 years ago  ::  Jan 01, 2009 - 9:03PM #3
easiand
Posts: 6
Hi teachingmuse,

I'm fairly new to this site and joined after finally coming out of  very damaging relationship. My circumstanses were completely different but I can relate to your anger at what has happened. I am just coming to terms with my own now knowing that the only person it damages is yourself. One quote that also helped me which relates to time wasted on an ex partner I found on the net is the following:

1. Washington Irving
Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart

I hope this helps
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5 years ago  ::  Jan 02, 2009 - 12:47PM #4
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
teachingmuse,

Welcome to the Divorce & Separation Forum, and sorry for what brought you here.  You have already met some of the caring members who are glad to share their thoughts with you; I hope you find this place one of comfort and assistance.

Forgiveness, for all of the legitimate benefits it offers, is a tricky deal.  You are feeling torn between wanting to forgive and not feeling forgiving.  You want to let go and be open, and are afraid of being hurt all over again.  You are feeling angry, and yet part of you doesn't want to be angry.

Forgiveness, should it ever come, cannot be forced, and the more you "try" to forgive when you don't feel like it, the more elusive it will be.  Accept the fact that right now you are feeling angry, hurt, sad, afraid.  Your feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are.  So rather than having an agenda, like getting rid of your anger, what would happen if you embraced and accepted it?  Keep journaling and writing, but go into your anger deeply - what thoughts arise?  Where does your anger sit in your body?  Do your feelings today remind you of anything you have felt previously in your life?  What was the earliest you remember having similar feelings?  Who was there at that time and what was happening?

Blessings,
ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce & Separation
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5 years ago  ::  Jan 04, 2009 - 5:32AM #5
BreinsAmnesty
Posts: 13
I welcome you to the Beliefnet Community Forum, and my apologies go out to you for what has brought you here. Our Beliefnet Community and its caring members are lovable God gifted characters willing  to share their thoughts and pain  with you and we are praying that  you may find your place  here as one of comfort and continual support. May positive blessings flow for you each and everyday for the rest of the year and beyond...

Forgiveness, for all of the legitimate benefits it offers, is a tricky deal. You are feeling torn between wanting to forgive and not feeling forgiving. You want to let go and be open, and are afraid of being hurt all over again. You are feeling angry, and yet part of you doesn't want to be angry.

Forgiveness, should it ever come, cannot be forced, and the more you "try" to forgive when you don't feel like it, the more elusive it will be. Accept the fact that right now you are feeling angry, hurt, sad, afraid. Your feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are. So rather than having an agenda, like getting rid of your anger, what would happen if you embraced and accepted it? Keep journaling and writing, but go into your anger deeply - what thoughts arise? Where does your anger sit in your body? Do your feelings today remind you of anything you have felt previously in your life? What was the earliest you remember having similar feelings? Who was there at that time and what was happening?

Blessings,
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5 years ago  ::  Jan 04, 2009 - 6:44AM #6
BreinsAmnesty
Posts: 13
[QUOTE=BreinsAmnesty;995352]I welcome you to the Beliefnet Community Forum, and my apologies go out to you for what has brought you here. Our Beliefnet Community and its caring members are lovable God gifted characters willing  to share their thoughts and pain  with you and we are praying that  you may find your place  here as one of comfort and continual support. May positive blessings flow for you each and everyday for the rest of the year and beyond...

Nothing ever strikes without warning, Whenever we have a negative encounter, we wonder, "How could they do this to me?" The reason is because you let them. Basic human nature makes us  see people and situations the way we want them to be, not the way they are.  We allow others to take advantage, manipulate, and in some cases, abuse us, because we don't want to "believe" what our senses are telling us is true. We listen to the same old line, accept the same dead promises, follow them down the same road, in the hopes they have "changed."

We listen to what they say and hear something else. We see what they do and turn our face. When the bottom falls out, we quickly place the blame for the pain on the other person. We shift our anger to them rather than accept our responsibility for the role we played. There are three keys to successful  relationships; Never make anyone else responsible for your happiness; trust what your inner self feels, sees and says; and pay close attention to the warning signs.


I" listen to what is said, not to what I hear. I'm praying for you.

"May Positive Blessings Flow",[/QUOTE]
"GOD BLESS U 2
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5 years ago  ::  Sep 22, 2009 - 11:37PM #7
Grinsandgiggles
Posts: 1

I hope that this post is not to late in response to your message.


I have been dealing with the a lot of things this past year. I "Offically" married my husband. Yeah I know sounds strange. It was common-law. Then I gave birth to our son in June which was followed by a funeral in August for my husband with whom I was with for over 8 years. In the midst of the hate, anger, sadness, confusion, overwhelming feelings that come and go as they plese my friend with whom I work with decided to give me a good ol' fashion "Smashing Party."


Sounds strange, but it worked to release some of the feelings. They went to Goodwill and St. Vincent DePaul as well as garage sales and purchased a bunch of old dinnerware, glasses and the like. We then wrote down on each item what was bothering us. "I am sad that he will never see our child grow up." or "Why did this have to happen." are just a few of the things that were written. Then after all the dinnerware was written on, we went into the garage with candles burning and smashed them on the floor, threw them against this one wall and just made a mess. After we were done, we went back into the house and talked about the fun things that had been done. The memories that made us, us. I will admit that there are times I feel like we need to do this again, but that is due to the circumstances in which everything transpired. In time, the wounds will heal or at least I have been told that. Each night my friends at work gather around and pray to the Lord to give each of us strength to make it through the night peacefully.


As a paralegal, the children have the right to know their father and if you can get past the frustration with him and be graceful, the rest will follow into place. FYI - Most state say that they (The court) will listen to a child over the age of 12 and take into consideration their wishes and wants.

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