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Switch to Forum Live View Struggling to make it through.
10 years ago  ::  Mar 12, 2008 - 5:06PM #11
Posts: 1,407

I am so sorry for all you have been through.  There are times when you have been in so much emotional pain that the only way you could cope with it is to numb yourself with drugs.  And you discovered that although there was temporary escape from the pain, there were even worse problems created by that "cure."  Congratulations on getting and staying clean - a heroic feat indeed.

You are now realizing that although you still have these strong feelings for him, it is your desire that you not have them anymore.  You are between a rock and a hard place - on the one hand part of you wants him back under any circumstances or terms, and part of you also recognizes that the neither he nor the relationship has been good for you, and that you don't want to allow yourself to be treated as you have been previously.  And still a part of you still believes that somehow you don't deserve to be treated better.  Although in your mind you can see that you have not been treated with caring and respect, you still feel helpless in your heart.  It is so difficult to keep yourself from responding to him as you do.  And nothing has been able to rid you of those feelings.

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