Hi all

I have just come out of a relationship of 18 months that has completely destroyed my life. Last July I met a French lady who seemed at the time to be kind, very spiritual and the person I had been looking for all of my life. At the time I had just sold my share of a company, had a good relationship with my grown up daughter and grandaughter, a lovely flat and was preparing to open a new business. I met the woman through my daughter as she had a young toddler who went to parents and toddlers with my grandchild.

From almost the time we met she took over my life and within a week I had moved out of my flat and into hers. She then created over next to nothing an argument with my daughter that created a rift between me and my daughter for the first time ever. At the start of the relationship I was strong and used to argue back and stand my own ground but gradually I was worn down. I quickly discovered she had an alcohol problem and used to binge drink massive amounts. She also had a massive anger problem that caused lots of problems between us. She used to constantly put me down calling me stupid and paranoid and played lots of mind games including the Jealosy game. She told me early in our relationship of her previous sexual exploits and also of how she cheated on her husband 3 times. She used to also deliberately ignore her mobile when I called and then tell me she didn't feel like talking. She would be affectionate for a few days and then cold and distant for weeks as well as argumentative. I can't put all the details of the relationship here as I'm in the UK and it's early hours of the morning and I could write for hours.

When I first met her I believed her to be a very spiritual person going to meditation and Yoga but then soon realised that was just a cover. She had been through a very abusive childhood which had left her very cold and calculating. I also had an abusive childhood but spent 3 years of counselling dealing with it and built a good life for myself and had a good relationship with my daughter despite breaking up with her mother. I had also had a severe gambling addiction in my younger years which I had recovered from.

In the time I was with this partner we had split up 7 or 8 times but I still kept going back. In the last couple of months I was made redundant from my job and actually returned to the gambling problem I had been off for more than 20 years( I'm assumuing with the stress). I seemed to regress back to my childhood when there was trouble at home and seemed to respond to her as I did to my father all those years ago. I would constantly try to please her without result and apologise even if I wasn't wrong.My friends and family all got fed up with me going back to her each time and completely lost interest in me and the relationship.

We have now I believe gone through our final split. Money was an important part of our relationship to her and I now have no job and no savings. Most of the money I had when we met was spent on her. I have a career and am still sought after by companies in my industry. I am staying with a friend for a few weeks until I can get somewhere else. I am back in touch with my daughter who although says she has forgiven me no longer trusts me. I seem to have lost all confidence and belief in myself and cant seem to motivate myself to move forward. I still spend a lot of time thinking about her and can't seem to accept what the relationship really was. I do have christian beliefs and have prayed for guidance which hasn't come. I just feel completely lost and can't find my path

easiand wrote:

Hi all

I have just come out of a relationship of 18 months that has completely destroyed my life. Last July I met a French lady who seemed at the time to be kind, very spiritual and the person I had been looking for all of my life. At the time I had just sold my share of a company, had a good relationship with my grown up daughter and grandaughter, a lovely flat and was preparing to open a new business. I met the woman through my daughter as she had a young toddler who went to parents and toddlers with my grandchild.

From almost the time we met she took over my life and within a week I had moved out of my flat and into hers. She then created over next to nothing an argument with my daughter that created a rift between me and my daughter for the first time ever. At the start of the relationship I was strong and used to argue back and stand my own ground but gradually I was worn down. I quickly discovered she had an alcohol problem and used to binge drink massive amounts. She also had a massive anger problem that caused lots of problems between us. She used to constantly put me down calling me stupid and paranoid and played lots of mind games including the Jealosy game. She told me early in our relationship of her previous sexual exploits and also of how she cheated on her husband 3 times. She used to also deliberately ignore her mobile when I called and then tell me she didn't feel like talking. She would be affectionate for a few days and then cold and distant for weeks as well as argumentative. I can't put all the details of the relationship here as I'm in the UK and it's early hours of the morning and I could write for hours.

When I first met her I believed her to be a very spiritual person going to meditation and Yoga but then soon realised that was just a cover. She had been through a very abusive childhood which had left her very cold and calculating. I also had an abusive childhood but spent 3 years of counselling dealing with it and built a good life for myself and had a good relationship with my daughter despite breaking up with her mother. I had also had a severe gambling addiction in my younger years which I had recovered from.

In the time I was with this partner we had split up 7 or 8 times but I still kept going back. In the last couple of months I was made redundant from my job and actually returned to the gambling problem I had been off for more than 20 years( I'm assumuing with the stress). I seemed to regress back to my childhood when there was trouble at home and seemed to respond to her as I did to my father all those years ago. I would constantly try to please her without result and apologise even if I wasn't wrong.My friends and family all got fed up with me going back to her each time and completely lost interest in me and the relationship.

We have now I believe gone through our final split. Money was an important part of our relationship to her and I now have no job and no savings. Most of the money I had when we met was spent on her. I have a career and am still sought after by companies in my industry. I am staying with a friend for a few weeks until I can get somewhere else. I am back in touch with my daughter who although says she has forgiven me no longer trusts me. I seem to have lost all confidence and belief in myself and cant seem to motivate myself to move forward. I still spend a lot of time thinking about her and can't seem to accept what the relationship really was. I do have christian beliefs and have prayed for guidance which hasn't come. I just feel completely lost and can't find my path

easiand-
I want to sleep on this one(and it's kinda late right now and I'm tired), but my first impression is that there are still some lessons from the past you didn't learn properly, as well as perhaps a masochistic streak.

If what you describe is an accurate reflection of your relationship with this woman, you let her be the boss, and she lost respect for you, as demonstrated by her using you and playing mind-f*** games with your head.

Have you had enough of being beaten down, yet?  Is the relationship truly over, or is this yet another interlude before returning, like a moth to a candle's flame?

Does it really hurt so good, or has the hurting now taught you all you need to know?

BTW, I've seen this in reverse any number of times, too; I've sheltered women who'd been battered, some quite badly, who spent their days and much of their conversation talking badly about the man/men who'd beaten them as their cuts and bruises healed---only to see them leave and run back to the punching machine.  Frankly, I don't understand the mentality, but I suppose there's a need for victims as much as(or as long as) someone wants to be the victimizer.

Warmest regards-

Hatman

#1       Today, 02:42 AM 
easiand 
Level 2
Level 1   Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 2 

Hi all

I have just come out of a relationship of 18 months that has completely destroyed my life. Last July I met a French lady who seemed at the time to be kind, very spiritual and the person I had been looking for all of my life. At the time I had just sold my share of a company, had a good relationship with my grown up daughter and grandaughter, a lovely flat and was preparing to open a new business. I met the woman through my daughter as she had a young toddler who went to parents and toddlers with my grandchild.

From almost the time we met she took over my life and within a week I had moved out of my flat and into hers. She then created over next to nothing an argument with my daughter that created a rift between me and my daughter for the first time ever. At the start of the relationship I was strong and used to argue back and stand my own ground but gradually I was worn down. I quickly discovered she had an alcohol problem and used to binge drink massive amounts. She also had a massive anger problem that caused lots of problems between us. She used to constantly put me down calling me stupid and paranoid and played lots of mind games including the Jealosy game. She told me early in our relationship of her previous sexual exploits and also of how she cheated on her husband 3 times. She used to also deliberately ignore her mobile when I called and then tell me she didn't feel like talking. She would be affectionate for a few days and then cold and distant for weeks as well as argumentative. I can't put all the details of the relationship here as I'm in the UK and it's early hours of the morning and I could write for hours.

When I first met her I believed her to be a very spiritual person going to meditation and Yoga but then soon realised that was just a cover. She had been through a very abusive childhood which had left her very cold and calculating. I also had an abusive childhood but spent 3 years of counselling dealing with it and built a good life for myself and had a good relationship with my daughter despite breaking up with her mother. I had also had a severe gambling addiction in my younger years which I had recovered from.

In the time I was with this partner we had split up 7 or 8 times but I still kept going back. In the last couple of months I was made redundant from my job and actually returned to the gambling problem I had been off for more than 20 years( I'm assumuing with the stress). I seemed to regress back to my childhood when there was trouble at home and seemed to respond to her as I did to my father all those years ago. I would constantly try to please her without result and apologise even if I wasn't wrong.My friends and family all got fed up with me going back to her each time and completely lost interest in me and the relationship.

We have now I believe gone through our final split. Money was an important part of our relationship to her and I now have no job and no savings. Most of the money I had when we met was spent on her. I have a career and am still sought after by companies in my industry. I am staying with a friend for a few weeks until I can get somewhere else. I am back in touch with my daughter who although says she has forgiven me no longer trusts me. I seem to have lost all confidence and belief in myself and cant seem to motivate myself to move forward. I still spend a lot of time thinking about her and can't seem to accept what the relationship really was. I do have christian beliefs and have prayed for guidance which hasn't come. I just feel completely lost and can't find my path
________

This says a lot to me!

Also, Hatman, that is funny you said that because I was thinking she sounded like a domanatrix:

"A dominatrix (from the Latin dominatrix, meaning a female ruler or Mistress; plural dominatrices or dominatrixes) or Mistress is a woman who takes the dominant role in bondage and discipline, dominance and submission or BDSM. The counterpart term for a male dominant is "Master".
___________

You are on the right path now.  You must know this.  These people are takers.  They are controlling, manipulative, and psycho. 

The longer you are away from her, the better you will feel, and the better your daughter will feel.

I am sorry this happened to you, but I believe you have allowed it because perhaps you just needed a break and to let someone else take control for a while.  (and boy did she)

Sharon

Thanks Hatman all you've said makes a lot of sense. I think I've spent long enough licking my wounds and now it's time to start fighting to get my life back. Don't think I do want her back again as each time the pattern has repeated and I've left in a worse state than the previous time. My family keep saying to me that whatever I feel for the children they aren't my resposibility and I have to let it go. Now as you say it's time to build myself back up, move on with my life again and put this all down to a very bad experience. Thanks again mate!

blueeyes,

Welcome to this corner of Beliefnet!  Your thoughtful words are very much appreciated, and I hope you can continue to share on this forum. It is so valuable to get input from someone who as "been there  and done that."  I am sorry you had an experience with an addict that left you with so little trust - and sharing your experiences can be valuable to so many here who struggle with similar issues.  Your comment about someone not being able to do anything to you without letting them is such a valuable - and difficult - lesson. 

Blessings,
Arnie