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Switch to Forum Live View What I know about marriage
6 years ago  ::  Feb 26, 2008 - 9:46AM #1
wildrose01
Posts: 3
I've been married for 18 years.
What I know is this:

1.  Marriage IS NOT about I ME OR MY.  ME no longer exists.  Remember that.  That's why "marriage" begins with an M and ends with e.  There is no more you; it's transformed into something different.  YOU MUST remember it is ONLY about WE US and OURS.  If you liked to go fishing, dancing or weekends with the guys, and the other person doesn't, and you are the submissive person, that is done, for the sake of the marriage.  THE INDIVIDUAL DOES NOT EXIST.

2.  Marriage takes a submissive person and a dominant person.  It just has to work that way.  Usually the woman should be the submissive person.  If there is something one used to like to do, and it is not something the other person likes, one does not do it.  Period.  The submissive person gives in.

3.  Marriage is not about feelings, emotions, passion or intimacy.  That may exist for the length of the marriage, it may not.  Once they are gone, which they usually do (not always), one must remember that love is commitment and obligation.  What you marry when you say yes is what you  have 20 years later.  Emotions, passion & intimacy only last long enough for procreation and to raise a family.
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 26, 2008 - 9:54AM #2
KatherineOrthodixie
Posts: 3,689
[QUOTE=wildrose01;314494]I've been married for 18 years.
What I know is this:

1.  Marriage IS NOT about I ME OR MY.  ME no longer exists.  Remember that.  That's why "marriage" begins with an M and ends with e.  There is no more you; it's transformed into something different.  YOU MUST remember it is ONLY about WE US and OURS.  If you liked to go fishing, dancing or weekends with the guys, and the other person doesn't, and you are the submissive person, that is done, for the sake of the marriage.  THE INDIVIDUAL DOES NOT EXIST.

2.  Marriage takes a submissive person and a dominant person.  It just has to work that way.  Usually the woman should be the submissive person.  If there is something one used to like to do, and it is not something the other person likes, one does not do it.  Period.  The submissive person gives in.

3.  Marriage is not about feelings, emotions, passion or intimacy.  That may exist for the length of the marriage, it may not.  Once they are gone, which they usually do (not always), one must remember that love is commitment and obligation.  What you marry when you say yes is what you  have 20 years later.  Emotions, passion & intimacy only last long enough for procreation and to raise a family.[/QUOTE]

The only thing I agree with is #3, partially, and I have been married for 34 years. I most certainly am still an individual married to a particular individual, and neither of us dominates the other, though we try to submit to each other as Christ says, (However since we are two strong-minded, opinionated, passionate individuals, the jury is still out on how successful we are at mutual submission!) We still have feelings, emotions, passion and intimacy for each other. There is no one who can make me angrier or laugh more, and there is no one I trust more to be on my side and in my corner. It is a choice and a commitment, though, not a feeling.
“The Law of the Church is to give oneself to what is given not to seek one’s own.” Fr. Alexander Schmemann
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 26, 2008 - 10:52AM #3
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
You wildrose01,

Welcome to Beliefnet, and thank you for sharing your insights into what has made your marriage be satisfying and fulfilling and long-lasting, especially in this time of so many broken marriages.  You have found that the key to making it so is for one partner to have all the say and for the other to relinquish their decisions to them.

Perhaps you are suggesting that this approach (dominant/submissive) must be applied to every marriage for it to be happy and work for the couple in the long run.

Blessings,
Arnie
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 26, 2008 - 12:43PM #4
wildrose01
Posts: 3
Arnie,

Satisfying & fulfilling?  No, it is neither.  Happy?  No, I am miserable.  If it's till death do you part then so be it.  I just wish death was today.  the only thing that keeps me from killing myself is my kids.  And I keep the 3 things in my head.  I hit myself, slap myself, to remind me of those 3 things.
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 26, 2008 - 1:47PM #5
IreneAdler
Posts: 2,849
Wow. Sounds like a recipe for misery for sure. I am so sorry you find yourself in such a place.

If there are dominant and submissive roles in a marriage, then the marriage is about “me”- the dominant one. So # 2 would, in a sense, trump # 1- yes?

 

No one comes into a marriage armed with the skills for a successful marriage; usually couples learn along the way with trial and error, a lot of talking/listening/praying/learning and even some outside assistance- such as counseling.  I don’t see any of this in the rules above.  Is one allowed to re-define the marital rules/roles as you have listed them above?  Or are these set in stone? Is there no room for growth or change within the marriage? If not, why?



Irene.
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 26, 2008 - 2:00PM #6
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
wildrose01,

So what was described is a recipe for an unhappy marriage.  You find yourself in a relationship in which your thoughts and ideas are not taken into consideration, your desires and wishes are given no voice, and that you have nearly ceased to exist as an individual person in it.  You are so hurting and sad that anything, even the possibility of dying, looks to be better than what you experience.  And you have no choice except to put up with what is happening and suffer terribly.

You are in my prayers.

Blessings,
Arnie
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 26, 2008 - 2:07PM #7
MagdaleneAngel
Posts: 7
Well, here's my $.02 --

As a female, I can't really speak to what men 'should' do in marriage, because I don't know exactly what it is like to be them.

But as a woman, I can say:

you need to respect your man -- understand his unique and beautiful contributions, his ability to protect, his ability to solve problems.  Don't undermine him with criticism or nagging.  Focus on the good stuff, on all the things he does that you can't do or don't want to do.  Life is a beautiful partnership.  Love him and love his body.  Make him feel like the King of the castle, make him feel 10 feet tall, make him feel like every morning is Christmas morning.

Oh, and don't worry about you need -- if you do the above, I promise you will get all you need and more!  Cuz men are like that.
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 26, 2008 - 3:26PM #8
Do_unto_others
Posts: 8,570
My God what a downer, wildrose. I can't imagine someone staying in a relationship - nevermind a marriage - that makes one so unhappy.

My marriage is an ongoing journey of discovering, of sharing, of caring (yep all those 'in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer' dicta), of laughing and loving.

My husband and I have been together for almost 23 years now (legally married for 4 years), but this dominant/submissive thing you seem to be trapped by should only occur in bedroom role-playing.

You ARE an individual and you have inherent worth. If your spouse doesn't see that in you, get help or get out.
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 26, 2008 - 3:34PM #9
Do_unto_others
Posts: 8,570
[QUOTE=MagdaleneAngel;315153]Well, here's my $.02 --

As a female, I can't really speak to what men 'should' do in marriage, because I don't know exactly what it is like to be them.

But as a woman, I can say:

you need to respect your man -- understand his unique and beautiful contributions, his ability to protect, his ability to solve problems.  Don't undermine him with criticism or nagging.  Focus on the good stuff, on all the things he does that you can't do or don't want to do.  Life is a beautiful partnership.  Love him and love his body.  Make him feel like the King of the castle, make him feel 10 feet tall, make him feel like every morning is Christmas morning.

Oh, and don't worry about you need -- if you do the above, I promise you will get all you need and more!  Cuz men are like that.[/QUOTE]

Magdelene, your husband sounds very insecure. No criticism or nagging? IMO, that's just unrealistic. What if he becomes a slob, doesn't help around the house? It isn't "undermining" him; it's ensuring he carries his weight. "Make him feel like the King of the castle"??? What if he is (or becomes) abusive?

"you need to respect your man"

Sorry, but respect must be earned.

"his unique and beautiful contributions"

Doesn't sound like wildrose's husband has made either.

"his ability to protect, his ability to solve problems"

What if he lacks either or both - as seems to be the case for poor wildrose.

"Make him feel like every morning is Christmas morning."

What, she doesn't deserve 'presents' too? What about her feelings?

"Men are like that." - Nonsense. I am one and I'm married to one, and I can assure you we are not.

Way too simplistic, imo.
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 26, 2008 - 4:34PM #10
wildrose01
Posts: 3
I wasn't going to reply because my husband would be FURIOUS if he knew I was venting on a forum.  Afterall, we're only supposed to vent to eachother, 100% open and honest, right??

Here's some more info, however, against my better judgement:

[QUOTE=Do_unto_others;315384]Magdelene, your husband sounds very insecure. No criticism or nagging? IMO, that's just unrealistic. What if he becomes a slob, doesn't help around the house? It isn't "undermining" him; it's ensuring he carries his weight. "Make him feel like the King of the castle"??? What if he is (or becomes) abusive?
  -- I NEVER nag him.  I tried; it doesn't work.  I just pick up around him.  I ask him to do a chore, if he gets in my face & yells, what's the point- I just do it.

"you need to respect your man"

Sorry, but respect must be earned.
   -- i hate to tell him- and I NEVER will.. but, i have very little respect for him.  He's a good man, honest and all, but is a high school drop-out.  he has no drive, ambition to pursue anything better.  I am the main source of income & always will be.  My income has consistently increased over the years because I study, work, for it.  he's worked most of the time at different jobs, and is a very hard worker when he does.  But he is complacent.  I have to accept that, I need to just remember my rule #1: it's not about me.

"his unique and beautiful contributions"

Doesn't sound like wildrose's husband has made either.
   -- I feel I've contributed sooo much more to this marriage than he has.  but i know, I shouldn't be selfish.  His mother told me to "take care of him" when we moved.  His current career- holey smokes- I tell him all the time how good he is at it.. but he has no drive to do anything with the skill he has.  Just enough to get by is good enough for him.  After all, he has me.  He sure is "unique and beautiful" sitting behind that computer screen or in his lazy boy waiting for dinner to be done.

"his ability to protect, his ability to solve problems"

What if he lacks either or both - as seems to be the case for poor wildrose.
   -- protect?  I PROTECT HIM.  that's ok, we do what we're capable of doing.  God gave me this man to take care of.  I need to do that.  I signed on the dotted line.

"Make him feel like every morning is Christmas morning."

What, she doesn't deserve 'presents' too? What about her feelings?
   -- I dream, fantasize, of a man who has a college degree and/or has dreams, goals, ambition.   doesn't come home at 4:30 and play video games all day nor smokes.  Maybe- just maybe- cooks for me.  What a dream.  I could live in that fantasy and never come back.

"Men are like that." - Nonsense. I am one and I'm married to one, and I can assure you we are not.

Way too simplistic, imo.[/QUOTE]
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