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5 years ago  ::  Dec 15, 2008 - 2:02AM #1
JCAM
Posts: 5
I beat myself up constantly because I dont understand why I dont feel what I should feel for my husband. I dont cheat because he is a good guy and I wouldnt hurt him that way. Whats wrong with me? This man loves God and took my son in as his own! He treats me with nothing but respect and spoils me. Im trying so hard,but it seems like no matter what I do I still wonder if I actually made the right decision marrying him. My question is ow do I figure out if ths is meant for me before it's too late? I'm 24 years old and I dont want to hurt him by leaving,but I also dont want to stay here if this doesnt get better because in that case I would want us to divorce young and still have a chance at finding love again. I have an 8 year old I have brought into this with me and it was such a foolish decision.
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 15, 2008 - 1:32PM #2
REteach
Posts: 13,556
Why did you marry him?  What did you like about him?

Rekindle it.  Leave your child with a babysitter and go on dates together.  Make the occasional candlelight dinner after you child is in bed.  My husband and I found that babysitters were a lot cheaper than getting a divorce would have been.

Love doesn't come looking for you.  It is something you plant, and water, and weed, and care for.  I would be pretty willing to bet that if you jump ship now, you will find your next relationship pretty much the same.  Look inside yourself.
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 15, 2008 - 1:34PM #3
REteach
Posts: 13,556
BTW, I was 20 when I get married, 22 when my first child was born.  I have been married over 30 years, and my husband and I are still best friends--but we hug and kiss and do stuff for each other.  We are probably more physical and romantic now than when we got married.  We stuck with it through some pretty deep bumps, too.
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 16, 2008 - 5:11PM #4
SallySeven
Posts: 44
The big question is: Did you ever have those romantic feelings for him? You know, the feelings that you're missing now? If you never had those feelings, then you have to examine why you got into this relationship in the first place. Maybe it wasn't for the right reasons.

But if you did once have those feelings and you did get into it for the right reasons in the first place, then it's probably worth the effort to try rekindling it.
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 16, 2008 - 5:58PM #5
Sailorlal79
Posts: 1,365
It's easy to want to leave when the romantic feelings fade...but this will happen with any relationship you have. The grass is always greener, you know? You have to work at rekindling romance.
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 16, 2008 - 7:17PM #6
JCAM
Posts: 5
[QUOTE=SallySeven;961085]The big question is: Did you ever have those romantic feelings for him? You know, the feelings that you're missing now? If you never had those feelings, then you have to examine why you got into this relationship in the first place. Maybe it wasn't for the right reasons.

But if you did once have those feelings and you did get into it for the right reasons in the first place, then it's probably worth the effort to try rekindling it.[/QUOTE]

I do wonder that sometimes. We were together before and I broke it off for this exact reason,but then I started missing him because I was dating so many losers. Sometimes I wonder if I settled or if  actually tracked him down again and married him because I loved him. He is overseas right now on deployment,but when he gets home we are going to try some rekindling. We are very honest with one another so he knows the questions I have. He told me he understands and that if we try EVERYTHING and nothing works then he wont stand in my way. He's just such a good guy and I feel like such a fool,but I know if it's not there then it just isnt. Im not just going to walk away without  making any effort and Im certainly not going to betray him while he's away at war. I will remain by his side because I do love him,I'm just not sure if the love I have for him is romantic type love or friendship
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 17, 2008 - 9:46AM #7
KatherineOrthodixie
Posts: 3,689
So-called "romantic love" is part of the fairy story "happily ever after" fiction that (IMHO, of course) causes so much trouble in marriages and relationships. In reality, the feelings of "romantic love" are caused by "feel-good" chemicals in our brains. Some people go from relationship to relationship, always seeking that new romantic love high.

Love is (again IMHO) not a "feeling" anyway. Feelings are by definition transitory and changeable, while "love never changes."
“The Law of the Church is to give oneself to what is given not to seek one’s own.” Fr. Alexander Schmemann
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 17, 2008 - 12:52PM #8
lilblessings
Posts: 5
Gosh, it was like reading my own story, with a few differences.  I had a 2 yr old at the time (almost 6 now), we married and had another child.  We used to be so much more to each other and maybe it's just me, but he's changed.  He's not as spontaneous and is so boring.  I don't find any joy in my life with him. 

Our fights can get so bad with his temper, that inside I am impulsively leaving him.  But I stay for the kids.  I want to leave so badly, but I don't want to mess up my children.  And after the initial angered chaos is all over, he apologizes and he wants to act as if we're in love.  I just don't feel it anymore.  It's exhausting being married to an emotional wreck.  My 5 1/2 yr old is already caught up in emotional trauma because she is from a broken home.  What do you do when you have the guy with the right values, morals and is an all-around good person, family guy....but you don't want to be stuck to his emotional issues for the rest of your life.  The passion is gone and it makes life just seem do dull.  I've tried spending money on tickets to sporting events, or special nights out just the two of us and it seems as though he's quiet and withdrawn more when we're out of the house.  I have wrestled with myself internally on the notion that I'll sacrifice my internal happiness for the sake of my kids and not break up their home, and I guess I should just accept that I'll live in a loveless marriage?
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 17, 2008 - 1:48PM #9
REteach
Posts: 13,556
[QUOTE]
In reality, the feelings of "romantic love" are caused by "feel-good" chemicals in our brains.
[/QUOTE]

It reminds me of a wedding candle.  When you first light it, the flame is at the top of the candle.  After it has been burning for a while, it moves lower into the candle itself.  Now an observer no longer sees the flame, just a glow. 

If you have 2 kids under 6, maybe you need a date.  Get a babysitter or drop them with friends or family and go to dinner, a movie, and stay in a nice hotel with a whirlpool.  The occasional date weekend is much cheaper in the long run than a divorce.
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 17, 2008 - 5:21PM #10
SallySeven
Posts: 44
I know how you feel JCAM. I dated a really awesome guy when I was in my early twenties. We were best of friends and breaking up was hard because of that. But ultimately I didn't have the romantic feelings for him that I wanted to have, never had them. I loved him, sure, but not with that extra special something. And it had never been there. When I realized that, I knew I couldn't spend the rest of my life with him.

It hurts to think about, but sometimes people we love just aren't the right match for us in a husband/wife capacity, even if they're the most wonderful, caring people in the world.
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