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6 years ago  ::  Dec 17, 2008 - 5:21PM #11
SallySeven
Posts: 44
I know how you feel JCAM. I dated a really awesome guy when I was in my early twenties. We were best of friends and breaking up was hard because of that. But ultimately I didn't have the romantic feelings for him that I wanted to have, never had them. I loved him, sure, but not with that extra special something. And it had never been there. When I realized that, I knew I couldn't spend the rest of my life with him.

It hurts to think about, but sometimes people we love just aren't the right match for us in a husband/wife capacity, even if they're the most wonderful, caring people in the world.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 18, 2008 - 12:37AM #12
JCAM
Posts: 5
[QUOTE=KatherineOrthodixie;962416]So-called "romantic love" is part of the fairy story "happily ever after" fiction that (IMHO, of course) causes so much trouble in marriages and relationships. In reality, the feelings of "romantic love" are caused by "feel-good" chemicals in our brains. Some people go from relationship to relationship, always seeking that new romantic love high.

Love is (again IMHO) not a "feeling" anyway. Feelings are by definition transitory and changeable, while "love never changes."[/QUOTE]

I agree and that is why I am fighting so hard. I have never doubted my love for him,just my feelings. I thank you for pointing this out. I needed the reminder
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 18, 2008 - 12:36AM #13
JCAM
Posts: 5
[QUOTE=DAH54;962279]And just exactly what is it that you don't feel? From your words it would appear that you value him, and you respect him. And chances are pretty good you trust him.

So does he lack the ability to lite your fire? Does he not know how to arouse you? Or is it that you don't feel something that the movies have taught you that you should feel? From your post it is clear that you left him once because you felt you were not feeling something you felt you should be. However it's not clear that you have honestly ever felt this feeling for anyone, let alone anyone long term.

Does he make you feel special at all? Or do you simply feel handy when you are with him?



.[/QUOTE]

He lacks the ability to arouse me and light my fire,but this is also something we have talked about and believe me deployments open lots of doors for talking since you cant do much else. Anyway I told him how I havent been satisfied sexually and in alot f ways I just wasnt feeling stimulated mentally or emotionally most days either. He has come a long way just over the phone,but he is due back soon and only time will tell.The good thing in all this is that we do both value each other enough to work at this and not just throw it away because someone doesnt "feel" something.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 18, 2008 - 9:01AM #14
REteach
Posts: 14,222
If you want to be turned on, maybe try turning him on.  Feathers are good.  Massages in the nude.

I am 51.  At a recent white elephant gift exchange, my diet Pepsi was "stolen", so I got to choose from all the other gift that went before.  Remember those necklaces made out of candy?  Well, somebody had gotten pasties made out of candy.  So I "stole" them.  We had so much fun, I think I know what I am getting for Christmas.

We have also both had to tell each other "That feels good", "a little lower", "a little faster", etc.  I'll be in the bathtub and he'll come in and just leer at me.  So I respond by posing.

Have some fun.  Reach out to him. Play some games.  Pretend you are a prostitute.  Especially with little kids, intimacy requires some work.  It isn't like soap operas.
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 18, 2008 - 5:01PM #15
taylorbabe3
Posts: 13
first ask yourself why did I get married: then simply write the pros and cons, then confront him about it
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 18, 2008 - 8:04PM #16
REteach
Posts: 14,222
[QUOTE=taylorbabe3;965446]first ask yourself why did I get married: then simply write the pros and cons, then confront him about it[/QUOTE]

Confront him?  Why the assumption that he is the problem?

After 30 years, I can assure you that looking for the solution solely in your spouse is a good way to either have a miserable marriage or a divorce.  There are two people involved in a marriage, and the assumption that everything is the fault of the other person just don't cut it.  If you can't look at and be honest about your own issues, don't even bother to get married.
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 19, 2008 - 9:25AM #17
KatherineOrthodixie
Posts: 3,689
[QUOTE=REteach;965786]Confront him?  Why the assumption that he is the problem?

After 30 years, I can assure you that looking for the solution solely in your spouse is a good way to either have a miserable marriage or a divorce.  There are two people involved in a marriage, and the assumption that everything is the fault of the other person just don't cut it.  If you can't look at and be honest about your own issues, don't even bother to get married.[/QUOTE]

Amen, sister!

I would only add that it seems to be selfishness at the center of a lot of marital/relationship problems. Marriage ain't all about me, me, me, my needs, my wants, my fairy tale fantasy of how life with someone else is going to be.
“The Law of the Church is to give oneself to what is given not to seek one’s own.” Fr. Alexander Schmemann
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 19, 2008 - 7:50PM #18
singspraise
Posts: 157
[QUOTE=lilblessings;962893]Gosh, it was like reading my own story, with a few differences.  I had a 2 yr old at the time (almost 6 now), we married and had another child.  We used to be so much more to each other and maybe it's just me, but he's changed.  He's not as spontaneous and is so boring.  I don't find any joy in my life with him. 

Our fights can get so bad with his temper, that inside I am impulsively leaving him.  But I stay for the kids.  I want to leave so badly, but I don't want to mess up my children.  And after the initial angered chaos is all over, he apologizes and he wants to act as if we're in love.  I just don't feel it anymore.  It's exhausting being married to an emotional wreck.  My 5 1/2 yr old is already caught up in emotional trauma because she is from a broken home.  What do you do when you have the guy with the right values, morals and is an all-around good person, family guy....but you don't want to be stuck to his emotional issues for the rest of your life.  The passion is gone and it makes life just seem do dull.  I've tried spending money on tickets to sporting events, or special nights out just the two of us and it seems as though he's quiet and withdrawn more when we're out of the house.  I have wrestled with myself internally on the notion that I'll sacrifice my internal happiness for the sake of my kids and not break up their home, and I guess I should just accept that I'll live in a loveless marriage?[/QUOTE]
wow i just divorced my husband b/c of his emotional mess its no fun when a guy changes on you like that and then suddenly your walking on eggshells and life is no fun i have two beautiful girls and i dont think ill remarry b/c i dont want to feel trapped if the guy has some hidden problems and starts dragging me down i can say one thing though my mom got a divorce when i was little and remarried a guy she had been dating for five years he is 22 years older than her and so her life changed dramatically for good and bad they are still together 15 years later and they had to work through there own differences and they continue to make their relationship work. as for me i wouldnt get remarried b/c my kids are so young and i would have to be sure and really know what kind of relationship i would be getting into. the best thing i can tell you is try counseling and get to know eachother again before you make another life changing decision.
"first they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win"
-Mahatma Ghandi
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 17, 2008 - 8:21AM #19
DAH54
Posts: 3,318

JCAM wrote:

I beat myself up constantly because I dont understand why I dont feel what I should feel for my husband.


And just exactly what is it that you don't feel? From your words it would appear that you value him, and you respect him. And chances are pretty good you trust him.

So does he lack the ability to lite your fire? Does he not know how to arouse you? Or is it that you don't feel something that the movies have taught you that you should feel? From your post it is clear that you left him once because you felt you were not feeling something you felt you should be. However it's not clear that you have honestly ever felt this feeling for anyone, let alone anyone long term.

Does he make you feel special at all? Or do you simply feel handy when you are with him?



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