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Switch to Forum Live View contemplating divorce
6 years ago  ::  Jan 14, 2009 - 3:22PM #1
SwanSong9966
Posts: 7
I have been married for about 3 years.  We have a two year old daughter.  I have two other daughters from previous relationships.  From the very beginning things were difficult.  My husband has very poor communication skills and has lied or deceived me on several occasions.  Also, he has never shown or made my children feel loved and accepted.  He has tolerated them and allows them to live here.  One of my daughter's has ADHD with a touch of Autism.  She is very challenging and difficult to work with.  She requires alot of patience and understanding.  He has never tried to understand her or have any patience with her.  Most of his communication with her is yelling at her or arguing with her.  He is fine and loving and doting on his child of course.

I don't deny that he has done nice things for me.  And given me expensive gifts.  But these things fall short in light of the lack of emotional needs being met.  Also, because of the lies and deceit, I can no longer completely trust him. 

Looking back, I see that perhaps this was a marriage of convience and security rather than true love.  It is hard to remain in a relationship without true romantic love.  I remain because I lack the funds and resourses to leave and because of the children.  To make things more difficult, we have a prenup. in which what's his is his and what's mine is mine financially.  Problem is, he has all the money and the house is in his name, etc.  I have a few furniture pieces and very little money.

Still, I am contemplating divorce because I cannot live a lifetime without true love.  It is hard because I've been through the pain of divorce before.  Being alone and a single parent again is scary.  Still, I think it is the right thing to do.  Am I wrong?
Thanks for any input.

Blessings and Peace,
swansong 9966
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 14, 2009 - 11:57PM #2
Yourkiwiboy
Posts: 1
Hi Swansong,
I am sorry to hear about the trouple's you are having with in your marriage, I know how hard it is to have an ADHD ( http:www.lbctnz.co.nz )person in the house, I also undersand the difficulties of being a step father!
Life can definetly become a challenge when we rush into things we are not 100% sure about, only yu can really answer whether you ill be doing theright thing or not. It is sad for everyone, but if you feel that you have tried your best, and don't feel that your marriage will improve, and your husband has no desire to undestand, and you guy's can't find happiness then perhaps at least some time out may be required...

I say that because sometimes that is all that is needed to get both parties to listen to each other! And evaluate your feeling honestly....
I believe that divorce should be a last resort, particularly when kids are involved. But i don't really know your situation, but your answers are inside you!

God bless, and good luck!
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 15, 2009 - 11:03AM #3
IreneAdler
Posts: 2,849
Was hubby like this before you two were married? Or did all this crop up over time? Why do you suppose that should happen?

Why do you suppose hubby got married and had a child with you- because he desired a marriage of convenience too?  Ouch!  I gotta believe there’s more to him than that.   

Why do you perceive hubby as having poor communication skills? Could he have a different way of communicating- one you don’t readily recognize?  Some people express love and personal feelings via actions, others by physical contact, and others with words.  Could it be you each have a different way of expressing love, are not getting this in terms you desire, and cannot understand where the other is “coming from”? Maybe it’s time to learn a little more about what makes this man tick.


What do you mean by “lie” and “deceive”?  If he misstates something, it may be inability to remember exact details, not necessarily lying.  You might give examples to illustrate what you mean by lying.

Are there reasons why hubby found need to lie or deceive you on “several occasions”?  Is this an avoidance tactic? Why the need?

Your post doesn’t mention anything regarding his thoughts about all this.  Or trying to gain understanding from his perspective.  Ought to be worth trying- for daughter’s sake.
Is there some way you and hubby can establish lines of communication? Have you tried this with the help of marital counseling (you don’t mention anything along these lines so I have to believe this avenue hasn’t been tried.)-either together or by yourself? Please note, once divorced, you two will still have to communicate with each other as co-parents. Best start now with finding an effective way to do this.

I wonder if he feels unhappy too –you are the one who stated the marriage feels like a marriage of convenience- maybe he wanted more than that and doesn’t know how to make that known to you. 

Irene.
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 16, 2009 - 11:03AM #4
SwanSong9966
Posts: 7
Merr Meet Irene,
I truly appreciate all your questions.  In response to the lying/deceiving issue:
He tells me one thing when it is completely something else.  He speaks in half-truths and little white lies and omits things.
One example that comes to mind is:  one day he called me on his lunch break (not uncommon).  I heard him ordering from a fast food place and was curious because he always takes his lunch to work.  I ask him about it and he says "they" (meaning coworkers) wanted him to go out to get lunch.  I find it odd and wonder why they wanted him to do that. He just shrugged and said he didn't know.  I left it at that, figuring it wasn't that imporant.  Later, he calls me after work and lets it slip that it was not "they" who wanted him to go out for lunch, but "she", a single female who wanted to buy him lunch that day.  My problem was not that some female friend wanting to buy him lunch, but that he lied about in the beginning.  Things like that have been happening since the beginning of the relationship.

I think I understand what you are saying about expressing love in different ways and it's not that I don't think he loves me.    I'm sure in his own way, he does.  I'm just not sure I can handle getting emotionally hurt over and over again.  I have tried again and again to get him to communicate and have suggested going to marital counseling.  He just shruggs it off.
I feel there's really nothing more I can do.
I understand that everyone grows and learns in their own time and at their own pace.  We are just so far apart as far as personal growth goes.  We are really in a state of incompatibility.
I know he wants more than just a marriage of convenience and I've tried to give him that.  I've given everything I can.  I moved to a different state to be with him and even sacrificed some weekends with my oldest daughter to be with him.  I never felt like I got the same kind of sacrifice and commitment in return.  It truly is a sad and difficult situation.

Blessings and Peace,
Swansong9966
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 22, 2009 - 5:48PM #5
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
SwanSong9966,

A belated welcome to the Divorce & Separation Forum, and sorry for what brought you here.  As you have already seen, there are many caring members here who are happy to share their thoughts and give feedback.  I hope you find it a useful experience here.

The responses both suggest that improved communication might go a long way towards helping your marriage.  Although you may often not be feeling the in-love feelings, please understand that it is nearly inevitable that even if you did, those feelings tend to fade in any marriage.  As strange as it may sound, it is the commitment and the choice to act loving no matter how you feel that makes the difference.  This is not to suggest you stuff your feelings or tolerate your husband being untruthful; to the contrary.  Be willing to negotiate to a mutually acceptable agreement and don't accept anything less that what you want - being truthful, for example.  Watch out for some of the things you might be doing that perpetuate the very things you are unhappy about in him.

What would happen if you committed yourself to 3 months of doing everything you could to have the most wonderful relationship possible?

Blessings,
Arnie
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5 years ago  ::  Jan 25, 2009 - 11:05PM #6
earthangel2
Posts: 11
A marriage of convinience is not going to work,who is going to watch for your interest.
He is watching for his.
If he can not accept your children then he really does not accept you.
That puts strain on the children and you, reather then depend on someone to support you, you need to be self sufficient, that way you can support yourself and have equal say on what is going on with the family.
I know its easier said then done but if you are not in control of your life some one else will be, and then you will have to live by his rules.
What you r going through is very common, i am not saing its acceptable, it should not be.
When was the last time both of you went to church?
Try it.
Speak to a priest about some help.
You will never be alone, you are a child of god he will always be with you.
For it is better to have god on your side in time of trouble then be in touble without God,
Most people get married for the wrong reason, unless you find inner peace you will never be happy.You have heard the cliche"money cant buy love" think about it.
Some of the best things in life are free.( love,good health, true friends, faith in god)
If he truly loves you then he has to show it.
Does he love you? Ask him.Neither one of you should be selfish, its all about the children.
I ll pray for you.
God bless you
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5 years ago  ::  Jan 25, 2009 - 11:05PM #7
earthangel2
Posts: 11
A marriage of convinience is not going to work,who is going to watch for your interest.
He is watching for his.
If he can not accept your children then he really does not accept you.
That puts strain on the children and you, reather then depend on someone to support you, you need to be self sufficient, that way you can support yourself and have equal say on what is going on with the family.
I know its easier said then done but if you are not in control of your life some one else will be, and then you will have to live by his rules.
What you r going through is very common, i am not saing its acceptable, it should not be.
When was the last time both of you went to church?
Try it.
Speak to a priest about some help.
You will never be alone, you are a child of god he will always be with you.
For it is better to have god on your side in time of trouble then be in touble without God,
Most people get married for the wrong reason, unless you find inner peace you will never be happy.You have heard the cliche"money cant buy love" think about it.
Some of the best things in life are free.( love,good health, true friends, faith in god)
If he truly loves you then he has to show it.
Does he love you? Ask him.Neither one of you should be selfish, its all about the children.
I ll pray for you.
God bless you
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5 years ago  ::  Feb 01, 2009 - 10:09PM #8
SwanSong9966
Posts: 7
Thanks Arnie, for the belated welcome.
I know communication in a relationship is very important.  I have spent countless hours trying to communicate with my husband.  I've never had difficulty expressing myself and what I feel I need.  Most of the time he just sits there.  He makes no comment, not even to talk about how he feels or what he wants.  I have begged him to communicate with me and he just won't.  I have even asked him to get counseling with me.  Again, he won't do it.
I have tried to discuss things that bother me and have even expressed a willingness to compromise and try to come up with something we can both agree and live with.  Again, he does not respond at all.  I feel like I am beating my head against a brick wall and it's starting to hurt (not to mention the massive head ache! lol)
I have tried and tried and tried.  I have given all I can and have forgiven over and over and over again.  I don't know that I can do any more.

Earthangel2,
Thank you also for your kind and caring response.
I know I need to start being self sufficiant and I am trying to work on that.  I have limited education and where I live, there are not alot of jobs around.  Also the cost of living is very high.
I know it is not impossible.  Where there's a will, there's a way, right? 
I do have some good friends who have been helping me through this.  I do not attend church as I am pagan, but I do believe in a higher power who I refer to as the Creative Source or All that Is.  I celebrate divinity as expressed in the duality of God and Goddess.  I do agree that faith is important and even vital.
Again, thank you for your caring comments.

Blessings and Peace,
Swansong9966
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5 years ago  ::  Feb 03, 2009 - 3:13PM #9
sharon_bivens
Posts: 658
Why do I feel there is a new relationship in the background?
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5 years ago  ::  Feb 03, 2009 - 10:52PM #10
SwanSong9966
Posts: 7
Merry Meet Sharon,
There is no other relationship that I am aware of.  It certainly isn't me.  All of my friends are females and no, I'm not gay.  (just in case you were wondering).
He swears to me that there is no other relationship and for now, I believe him.  Besides, he knows that if he does cheat on me, there will be no chance for reconciliation. 
I appreciate your concern though.
Blessings and Peace,
swansong9966
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