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Switch to Forum Live View contemplating divorce
5 years ago  ::  Feb 06, 2009 - 7:59PM #11
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
You are right about the importance of communication in a marriage (or any relationship for that matter) - but it is especially important for intimate relationships to grow in...well, intimacy.

Since despite having tried everything possible to get better communication and not succeeding, and since you are not able to count on what you are told, you are recognizing that ending the marriage is the only way you can move forward.  Still, perhaps a part of you is still holding out some hope for the possibility of reconciliation.

Blessings,
Arnie
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5 years ago  ::  Feb 14, 2009 - 3:30PM #12
SwanSong9966
Posts: 7
It's possible that a part of me still wishes for reconciliation.  However, at this point, I know it is time to move on.  I am looking for a job and possible places to live.  My greatest hope now is that we can try and remain friends and come to an agreement about our daughter.
Thank you for your insights.
Blessings and Peace,
Swansong9966
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5 years ago  ::  Apr 27, 2009 - 7:55PM #13
SwanSong9966
Posts: 7

Update:


Well, he has filed for divorce as of the beginning of this month I believe.  Apparently he'd rather get divorced that come to terms with his own shortcomings.  He's refused marital counseling and still doesn't communicate with me.


I have found a seasonal job as a housekeeper at a local hotel.  I will continue to live in the house since he cannot legally kick me out until the divorce is final.  Custody of our 2 year old will be discussed during the divorce proceedings I imagine.


Thanks for everyone's kind and caring words.


Blessings and Peace,


Swansong9966

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5 years ago  ::  May 27, 2009 - 7:33PM #14
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

SwanSong9966,

I am sorry that you were not able to working things out, but based on what was going on and the fact that you were contemplating divorce, perhaps it is for the best anyway. I hope the custody situation is reolved to your satisfaction.

Trust is such a crucial element in any relationship, and lacking that trust, it is perhaps not surprising that the relationship foundered.

I hope you will be able to get emotional support through this ordeal. Please let us know how it is going for you.

Blessings,
Arnie

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5 years ago  ::  Jun 13, 2009 - 9:29PM #15
LoriSam7879
Posts: 7

I can totally relate. My husband treats my daughter (from a previous marriage) MUCH different than his kids. He doesn't admit it, but he clearly does not like her...its so sad.


As far as divorce, only you can answer that. Its a horrible position to be in - I'm in it now. Not wanting divorce, but not able to stay with the man anymore (for different reasons)


I would suggest counseling first, both marital and pastoral. But if the other person isn't willing to admit their issues/problems, and completely commit, then it won't help. You cannot change a person or make them change or realize their issues....that is something only they can do.

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5 years ago  ::  Jul 21, 2009 - 12:29PM #16
Snita
Posts: 2

I have been married about 10 years.  I have two children from a previous marriage that was abusive.  From the very beginning things were difficult.  My husband had done some time on drug charges but somehow started using them. He lies and deceives me on several occasions.  Also, he has shown love and concern for my children and does whatever is needed for them, he still has not given them the feeling of love and time. He has never tried to understand or interreact with my children when they were younger as a father would do. no outside games, no family time unless i suggest it. 

I don't deny that he has done nice things for me & my children.  And gives me his income so that he won't misuse it and bills are being paid. However, he still is emotionally draining because he wants me to give him money for him to buy his drugs. He is a crack addict. Just the idea of him nagging me for $20, $40 dollars each week and if he does a side job he just blows that money entirely. I am tired of the arguments the hiding of purses, putting locks with keys on the bedroom doors. He has taken things from our home to supply his addiction.  I can no longer completely trust him.  That makes me feel bad....sad!

Looking back, I see that perhaps this was a marriage of convience and security rather than true love.  It is hard to remain in a relationship without true romantic love.  I remain because I lack the funds and resourses to leave and feel that i should keep the home and he return to his home town.   

Still, I am contemplating divorce because I cannot live a lifetime without peace.  It is hard because I've been through the pain of divorce before.  Being alone and a single parent again is not what i had in mind.  Still, I think it is the right thing to do.  Am I wrong?
i need some HELP!   Peace


snita

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5 years ago  ::  Jul 21, 2009 - 5:35PM #17
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Snita,

Welcome to the Divorce & Separation Forum, and sorry for the pain in your marriage that brought you here. There are many caring members who are happy to give feedback and support. I hope you find it a useful experience.

You are clear that you don't want the current situation to continue for the rest of your life, and you are also hesitating for fear of going through deep emotional pain all over again. You are becoming clear that you are not willing to live with an addict and the hurt addiction brings. Still, a part of you wonders whether it is the best option for you at this point. Maybe it would help if you talked about some of your specific fears in taking this step.

Blessings,
ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce & Separation

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5 years ago  ::  Jul 24, 2009 - 10:09AM #18
Snita
Posts: 2

ArnieBGut


Thanks for replying. Yes i am so...hurtful. No, i don't want to divorce but i am clearly not gonna keep going thru these changes, no peace, constant nagging, all times of the hour, being gone..just not caring about himself and definitely not the family.  As a person he is a good guy but he has allowed this addiction to overcome his emotions. He is not voluntarily going to subcome to rehab but steady says that he doesn't want to keep doing drugs.


the main reason why i haven't done anything about it is because somehow i feel that i still need the (disability income) that is coming in monthly. i pay the mortgage and insurance with it and my son is drawing also from his benefits. Even though my son may be cut off i still believe that his income should pay for the mortgage & insurance if any.  I haven't figured it out but II am looking into it. Then the spiritual side of me tells me to just hang on & God will take care of it but i also feel that if i just step out on faith on this he will be taking care of it.


Again, thanks for listening and replying to my concerns.


snita

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5 years ago  ::  Jul 24, 2009 - 10:21AM #19
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

It's so hard when financial considerations have to be weighted so heavily. You are afraid that if you leave you won't be able to have the resources to have food and shelter, and that is so understandable. It's difficult to feel spiritual when having to live under a bridge (or something) is a tangible possibility!

It is clear that as long as drugs are being used, there is no possibility for considering healing the relationship or even separating peacefully. You are told that there is a wish to quit, and yet there aren't any concrete actions taken to actually do that. Talk without actions is just wishful thinking - and as much as you want to believe what you are told, it does take some kind of action to recover from addiction. One thing you might consider is Al-Anon for yourself to help get clear about the dynamics of being with an addict.

Blessings,
Arnie

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