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Switch to Forum Live View My wife wants to date ... NEXT MONTH!
5 years ago  ::  Dec 05, 2008 - 5:46PM #1
Enzo
Posts: 5
Hello. I'm in spiritual agony about this situation. Please offer me whatever insights you can.

Three weeks ago, after years of fighting (and good times) and two months of agonizing indecision, my wife of 23 years decided to end our marriage.

The problem is that we need to live in the same house for at least 3 - 4 months while we separate. This would be difficult, but bearable, except she has met other men online and wants to begin dating right away ... as early as next month.

I can't believe that after so many years, she would do this. I've implored her not to do it, that it would hurt too much. She says that she is farther along coping with the separation and is ready to move on with her life. She says I'm am being controlling. She wants her independence. That's the whole point.

I don't want to control her, but it is agonizing to think about this. What should I do?
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 06, 2008 - 7:32AM #2
JohnMaru
Posts: 7
Hell there Enzo.

Wow. Reading this really hit home with me. I wish you strength during this time as it is not easy. I've had this exact situation in the past and it is happening once again becasue I never moved on.

To me, you and I am sure many others, your request to her of waiting to date people until you have at least physically moved to different dwellings is a reasonable one. To her, I am sure it is ridiculous. I am guessing her thinking is that you are moving on why wait.

Asking her to respect your feelings is not controlling. But, since you are in the unfortuante place of getting divorced I am thinking the communication between the two of you is not very good rigth now.

My thoughts are that you ask her to wait and that you are not trying to be controlling. Again, express to her that emotionally it will be very difficult for you and ask her to respect that. That is all you do have control over and all you can ask.

At this time, do what you can to take care of yourself. Listen to yourself and try to understand your feelings - much easier said than done. For 6 years I have allowed myself to stay in this exact situation you are in rigth now. For 6 years I chose to remain in emotional hell becasue I did not have the strength to move on. It is not easy and even after you have seperate dwellings the fact she is sating will still not be easy to deal with.

But, the only thing we can do - it focus on ourselves and do what we can to make ourselves feel better. And, our former spouse is no part of that - at all.

I wish you the best. It is never easy but we do have control over how hard we allow it to be.

John M.
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 07, 2008 - 12:40PM #3
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

Enzo wrote:

Hello. I'm in spiritual agony about this situation. Please offer me whatever insights you can.

Three weeks ago, after years of fighting (and good times) and two months of agonizing indecision, my wife of 23 years decided to end our marriage.



If you don't mind my asking, 1) what was the fighting about, and 2) why did you let her wallow about in indecision for 2 months and let her make the decision?

The problem is that we need to live in the same house for at least 3 - 4 months while we separate. This would be difficult, but bearable, except she has met other men online and wants to begin dating right away ... as early as next month.

It seems to me that she wants to punish you, probably for the "years of fighting" and the letting HER make the tough decision to divorce.  I certainly wouldn't put up with it for a minute; I'd find lodging in a YMCA, first, or a camper truck or a tent in the woods---or even under a bridge, assuming I couldn't find a way to get her out of the family home by filing charges against her for one thing or another---like if she's ever been violent with you, etc., you might could get a restraining order barring her from the premises...


I can't believe that after so many years, she would do this. I've implored her not to do it, that it would hurt too much. She says that she is farther along coping with the separation and is ready to move on with her life. She says I'm am being controlling. She wants her independence. That's the whole point.

Depending on what state you live in, this could be construed as both adultery(possibly a chargeable offense, check the laws in your state) and "extreme mental cruelty."  If I were in your shoes, I'd visit www.divorcecare.com asap, find a meeting near me, and go, along with my list of questions.  In some states, this can be construed as "alienation of affection," and you can sue the one dating your stbx wife for big bux.  "Wants her independence," does she?  Tell her that once the divorce is final, she can be as independent as she wishes, but until then, you ain't havin' it.  I think part of your mistake was in begging/imploring her not to do this; most women don't respect weak.

I don't want to control her, but it is agonizing to think about this. What should I do?

Tell her NFW is she going to bring any of these men to your house.  Tell her that if this is what she wants to do, to go and live with a GF or family member, first---or at the YMCA, a camper truck, a tent, or under a freakin' bridge...ANYwhere you won't have to see this or deal with these other men in any way, shape, or form.  If she refuses?  Find legal advice on your situation, then go after her---OR the dates---if it's possible in your state.  Do NOT shoot them.

Warmest regards-

Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 09, 2008 - 2:30PM #4
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
Enzo,

You have received some excellent advice from Hatman and John.

One thing you might try, although it may seem a bit manipulative, is to spend an evening away from the house and don't tell her where you are or what you were doing.  Then do something totally "innocent" - go to a movie by yourself or with a (male) friend or just hang out with some buddies.   If questioned, be mysteriously evasive about what you did.  If you want to turn the screws a bit, you could say something like "Well you said it would be okay to date other people."  (You're not saying you actually did of course, but are giving that impression.)  Since you in fact were doing something totally innocent, there is nothing that can be held over you.

This will drive home to her more than any words you can say what it will feel like for you if she in fact does date while still living in the same house, and I bet she will want to reconsider that.  If not, then there is really nothing you can do because you can't make her choices, only your own.

Regards,
Arnie
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 09, 2008 - 2:50PM #5
Carlice
Posts: 1
Hi Enzo, I'm sorry you're hurting so badly.  It is extremely rude, inconsiderate, and heartless for your wife to start dating while you're still living together.  You are not being controlling at all, your request is not just appropriate but totally understandable and reasonable.  Did you agree with your wife about getting divorced, or is this her idea and you don't have a choice?  Either way, stand your ground, she's wrong.
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 10, 2008 - 7:32AM #6
bob185
Posts: 125
Enzo - my wife filed for divorce lasr sept., and it was done in Feb., I found out she was dating before the ink was dry - it's brutal - I won't lie - still hurts - try to handle yourself with grace and dignity - I made a mistake of calling the guy, but whoever she dates, remember it's not his fault - she has to livewith it -good luck, hang tough - bob185
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 10, 2008 - 7:35AM #7
bob185
Posts: 125
JMaru - I am having trouble moving on - I still talk to my ex 3-4 times per week - most of the time I feel like crap after the conversation, yet it is so hard to let go after knowing and caring about someone 30 years - cutting emotional ties is extremely hard - any advice would be appreciated -bob185
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 15, 2008 - 4:05PM #8
sharon_bivens
Posts: 658
It sounds a little bit like she is crying "Wolf" to get a response out of you. Keep in mind she hasn't "met" anyone, she is "talking" about people on line.

Listen to the advice above.  And I will add my two cents worth also.

Throw her a curve ball.  Stop being so predictable.  Don't run home from work.  Start dolling up and leaving the house when and wherever you can think of to go.  (even if you drive around for two or three hours). 

You need to let her know that life WILL go on for you also. 

Try remembering things you were interested in before and get back into life.  Start small.  If it is fishing, hiking, mountain climbing, taking a college course about something that interests you, bowling, pool, whatever.....

Be more mysterious, yourself. 

Perhaps you should invest in a "personal" cell phone.

Fix your part of the house up like you like it.  (If you have to stay there for financial reasons there is no reason you can not make yourself a comfort zone.)

Sometimes, you have to fight fire with fire!  ;)

God bless,

Sharon
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 15, 2008 - 4:05PM #9
sharon_bivens
Posts: 658
It sounds a little bit like she is crying "Wolf" to get a response out of you. Keep in mind she hasn't "met" anyone, she is "talking" about people on line.

Listen to the advice above.  And I will add my two cents worth also.

Throw her a curve ball.  Stop being so predictable.  Don't run home from work.  Start dolling up and leaving the house when and wherever you can think of to go.  (even if you drive around for two or three hours). 

You need to let her know that life WILL go on for you also. 

Try remembering things you were interested in before and get back into life.  Start small.  If it is fishing, hiking, mountain climbing, taking a college course about something that interests you, bowling, pool, whatever.....

Be more mysterious, yourself. 

Perhaps you should invest in a "personal" cell phone.

Fix your part of the house up like you like it.  (If you have to stay there for financial reasons there is no reason you can not make yourself a comfort zone.)

Sometimes, you have to fight fire with fire!  ;)

God bless,

Sharon
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