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Switch to Forum Live View Emotional Affair Cheating?
6 years ago  ::  Sep 06, 2008 - 6:24PM #21
DAH54
Posts: 3,318
There would seem to me at a minimum some very different types seeking an emotional affair.

1) One would be the mate in an otherwise happy marriage, who simply needs the excitement of someone else. They are bored and seeking a thrill.

2) Then there would be those who have a marriage only by right of a sign paper. They are already two strangers living (if you can call it that ~ more likely coexisting together) not emotionally invested in each other, existing in isolation.

3) Someone who is somewhere between #1 and #2 above, they are aware of a wrongness within their marriage but for reasons of fear, or some other unwilling to fully let go, without someone to run to, perhaps.

4) Then there is the one who in all innocents seeks nothing more than friendship and is betrayed.

I suspect that the effects of an affair will be different on all of the above.




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6 years ago  ::  Sep 11, 2008 - 9:57AM #22
DAH54
Posts: 3,318
(((((Holly)))))

Thank you Holly for taking a chance and sharing that with us.

Thank you for acknowledging how much it hurts, when you are unheard, and discounted and told it doesn't hurt. That it is nothing. That it's not so bad.

I am sorry for the pain and sorrow that others have cause you, by discounting his actions, and the effect they have on you, and your marriage.

An emotional affair is a choice every bit as much of a choice as anything else is.  Sure sometimes we can be tricked into a more intense relationship than we desire, but there comes a point when we realize, we are putting more emotion, thought, gaining more support from this person than our spouse, and it is when we know that and continue, that I believe we've crossed the line. When we steal form our spouse what should be rightly theirs.

I'm glad that acknowledgment of wrongness worked for you and your husband. That together both of you realized, this really hurts you, him,  and your marriage. That you have taken active steps to rebuild the trust lost. And that it is working for you.

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6 years ago  ::  Apr 28, 2009 - 8:48PM #23
Lovenliveagain
Posts: 2

Thanks for the post. I never knwew about emotional affairs, this is my first time reading about it.  After I read the comments, i realized that i have fallen into an emotional affair. I never thought of it this way. He is like a friend i could talk to and he has given me so much support and attention, which i don't get from my own husband. He provided what i was lacking in my marriage. 

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6 years ago  ::  Apr 28, 2009 - 9:09PM #24
Lovenliveagain
Posts: 2

Sep 6, 2008 -- 6:24PM, DAH54 wrote:

There would seem to me at a minimum some very different types seeking an emotional affair. 1) One would be the mate in an otherwise happy marriage, who simply needs the excitement of someone else. They are bored and seeking a thrill. 2) Then there would be those who have a marriage only by right of a sign paper. They are already two strangers living (if you can call it that ~ more likely coexisting together) not emotionally invested in each other, existing in isolation. 3) Someone who is somewhere between #1 and #2 above, they are aware of a wrongness within their marriage but for reasons of fear, or some other unwilling to fully let go, without someone to run to, perhaps. 4) Then there is the one who in all innocents seeks nothing more than friendship and is betrayed. I suspect that the effects of an affair will be different on all of the above. .



I fall into type 2.  and that was the reason why i saught the friendship of another. My husband was so inconsiderate to have hurt my heart and ruined our honeymoon by revealing a  secret he never told me before i said i do. What kills me he told me on the second day of what supposed to be the most romantic experience. the whole honeymoon was simple mockery.  One thing i cannot trust him for he lied to me, second  i was not getting any affection from him. Sometimes i asked God why of all people i had to fall for him, why this is happening to me? I am so disappointed

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6 years ago  ::  May 22, 2009 - 1:43PM #25
Annmessenger
Posts: 348

I think it's worthwhile, given the newness of the term "emotional affair," to raise a couple of points:


1.  Are the people in our lives ranked according to their importance to us?  If you are close to your mum or your dad, can that be an emotional affair?  What about a sibling?  Childhood friends?  Are any of these people disposable? Is any love felt for another person an affair?


2.  Can the people you love be trusted, or do they require policing?  If they require control, how much?  Where do you draw the line?


I think it's a trust issue, and not one that is going to be solved by blaming people outside the marriage for whatever problems we may experience. If you are an emotionally mature person, you will know yourself and your spouse well enough to deal with any of the people who come into your life, without having to worry about imaginary affairs.  In the old days, we called those "friendships."


 


 


 


 

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6 years ago  ::  May 22, 2009 - 2:13PM #26
Cesmom
Posts: 5,338

May 22, 2009 -- 1:43PM, Annmessenger wrote:


I think it's worthwhile, given the newness of the term "emotional affair," to raise a couple of points:


1.  Are the people in our lives ranked according to their importance to us?  If you are close to your mum or your dad, can that be an emotional affair?  What about a sibling?  Childhood friends?  Are any of these people disposable? Is any love felt for another person an affair?


2.  Can the people you love be trusted, or do they require policing?  If they require control, how much?  Where do you draw the line?


I think it's a trust issue, and not one that is going to be solved by blaming people outside the marriage for whatever problems we may experience. If you are an emotionally mature person, you will know yourself and your spouse well enough to deal with any of the people who come into your life, without having to worry about imaginary affairs.  In the old days, we called those "friendships."




I tend to agree with you.  I've always felt that the term 'emotional affair' can be used somewhat unfairly.  I think that each couple needs to set boundaries that are comfortable for both of them, but problems arise when both people in the relationship don't agree on exactly what those boundaries should be.


I have a jealous husband.  It really, really bothers me that he is so jealous.  It's caused many issues in our marriage.  I have realized that this is something that is not going to change, no matter how I wish it would, so I had to decide whether this was a 'deal breaker' for me.  I decided there is much more good in our marriage than bad, and I would have to learn to accept those things I cannot change, like the jealousy.  Needless to say, we have had countless disagreements about whether friendships with the opposite sex are appropriate.


I value all of my relationships with other people greatly.  I value my relationships with friends, family members, my kids, and my spouse.  I think it's important to make sure my spouse knows that I value my relationship with him and our children above all other relationships in my life.  I think friendships that mean more than our marriage are dangerous and not appropriate and can legitimately be classified as emotional affairs.  I think friendships where we discuss things that we wouldn't want our spouse to know we were discussing are also dangerous territory.  I think discussing marital problems with a friend of the opposite sex is a really, really bad idea.  I think there are certain things...certain intimacies that we should share only with the person we have a romantic love with.  I think if you start to feel closer to a friend (any friend) than your spouse, you are in trouble. 


Of course, with a jealous spouse, it's kind of a double-edged sword type of deal.  If you insist that you shouldn't have to give up your friendships to appease your spouse's jealousy, it comes off as placing your friendships at a higher value than your marriage.  In reality, it may just be a desire to not be controlled...and why is it okay for the jealous spouse to ask you to give up a friendship that you value anyway?  


I think the best solution is for each spouse to take a few steps away from their way of thinking for the benefit of the other ~ maybe the friendship is okay with certain agreed upon boundaries ~ a compromise ~ marriages are full of them...at least the best ones are.  This is a complex issue, and so many things play into it ~ insecurities in the relationhip and oneself are at the top of the list. 


 

Our need to learn should always outweigh our need to be right

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.
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5 years ago  ::  May 31, 2009 - 9:57AM #27
Stj
Posts: 1

I have a question for the field. You recognize you are having an emotional affair. It is with an ex lover from 25years ago and has only been on the Internet and phone. You are trying to end it and you can't get the person out of your head. You are working to make things better in your marriage but the person consumes alot of your thoughts.


Do you tell your spouse? Do you keep working on your marriage and say nothing and hope you can clear your head?

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5 years ago  ::  May 31, 2009 - 11:34AM #28
Teknmage
Posts: 332

May 31, 2009 -- 9:57AM, Stj wrote:


I have a question for the field. You recognize you are having an emotional affair. It is with an ex lover from 25years ago and has only been on the Internet and phone. You are trying to end it and you can't get the person out of your head. You are working to make things better in your marriage but the person consumes alot of your thoughts.


Do you tell your spouse? Do you keep working on your marriage and say nothing and hope you can clear your head?




Hello and welcome to Beliefnet! I have a couple questions for you. What does the word marriage actually mean to you? If you feel a need to lie to your spouse do you have a good marriage? Is manipulation, and deceit acceptable within your marriage to you?


You claim to be working on your marriage, yet you have an ex lover that your mind can run to anytime things get uncomfortable within your marriage, emotionally are you even invested 50% in this marriage, if everytime things get a little ruff you run away in your head?


Last questions, and perhaps the most important, are you worthy of being loved, or are you unworthy of real love? Can you be happy if you have a marriage in appearance only? Are you okay, really okay in telling your spouse whatever they wish to hear, so long as they will stay and give the appearance of being married?


Make no mistake, you tell your spouse that you cheated, (even if it is only in your head) and some spouses will leave. Keep it a secret and yes your spouse may well stay, when with full knowledge they may have chosen not to stay. But once you cross that line you are on a very slippery slope indeed. You've set yourself up to think for your spouse, to filter what knowledge they may have access to. You've made yourself no longer a partner but a superior. It will change how you see your partner.


 

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5 years ago  ::  Jun 01, 2009 - 9:12AM #29
Cesmom
Posts: 5,338

May 31, 2009 -- 9:57AM, Stj wrote:


I have a question for the field. You recognize you are having an emotional affair. It is with an ex lover from 25years ago and has only been on the Internet and phone. You are trying to end it and you can't get the person out of your head. You are working to make things better in your marriage but the person consumes alot of your thoughts.


Do you tell your spouse? Do you keep working on your marriage and say nothing and hope you can clear your head?




This may not be the best advice or the 'right' advice, but I'm giving it anyway... I think it's important to be honest with your spouse - to get things out in the open - but I think the timing of when you do it can affect the outcome.  If it were me, I would deal with the baggage first - stop talking to the ex, remind yourself of all of the reasons you want to be in your marriage - then tell him what happened.


If you tell him right now, he will not only feel betrayed by the fact that you had an emotional affair and hid it from him.  He will feel doubly betrayed by the fact that it's still going on and you can't get this guy out of your head.  Make sure you're fully committed to your marriage before you start any confessions..it's going to be a hard road, and you want to make sure you are ready to do what you have to do to help repair your marriage in the aftermath.

Our need to learn should always outweigh our need to be right

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.
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5 years ago  ::  Jun 09, 2009 - 2:19PM #30
withfearandtrembling
Posts: 138

Dec 31, 1969 -- 6:00PM, Simon Jester wrote:

[ I disagree, with a sexual affair you are correct because it requires concrete dramatic action. However with an emotional affair there is no need for conscious thought about what you are doing.



I don't know. When my husband had his emotional affair, he consciously had to think about what restaurant he would have to take her out to lunch to. He consciously had to think about what lie to tell me each time he met her for drinks to talk to her for hours. He consciously had to think about what to e-mail her back and forth at work, and consciously chose his words. I don't buy the whole "I didn't know what I was doing before it was too late" bs. Maybe the feelings develop before you realize it, but choosing to act on the feelings by pursuing continued contact rather than cutting off contact as soon as you realize the feelings is a deliberate choice and a deliberate action.


Emotional affairs, like sexual affairs, may require LESS deliberate action, but they still require deliberate action and almost always entail lies, deceit, or obsfucation, which damages a marriage as much as the betrayal itself.

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