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Switch to Forum Live View Emotional Affair Cheating?
6 years ago  ::  Sep 06, 2008 - 11:49AM #1
Vidreamer
Posts: 11
According to http://marriage.about.com/od/infidelity … affair.htm, an emotional affair is when a person not only invests more of their emotional energy outside their marriage, but also receives emotional support and companionship from the new relationship.  In an emotional affair, a person feels closer to the other party and may experience increasing sexual tension.

Some believe that an emotional affair is harmless, most marriage experts view an emotional affair as cheating without having a sexual relationship. 

Thoughts?
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6 years ago  ::  Sep 06, 2008 - 12:34PM #2
katieray
Posts: 22
I agree with the info. from your link.  But I have never heard anyone say it is harmless.  Mostly I have heard that an emotional affair is considered worse than a sexual affair.  I think it's the opposite.  I think a person makes a conscious decision whether or not to cheat right before doing so.  It's very cut and dry, do it or don't it.  Whereas an emotional affair sort of happens.  Boundaries get blurred.  At what point is the person truly guilty?  By the time it is realized, it is already too late.
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6 years ago  ::  Sep 06, 2008 - 2:52PM #3
Vidreamer
Posts: 11
Very insightful.  I don’t think those involved in the relationship have an end in mind or feel that it will get out of hand.  They also don’t understand how it impacts the others involved until there is no turning back.  This site also said 50% of emotional affairs become full blown sexual affairs.  Wonder how to raise awareness of the future outcome before it’s too late?  You can tell someone this, but they will discount or ignore it.
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6 years ago  ::  Sep 06, 2008 - 7:47PM #4
katieray
Posts: 22
This post pertains to me because I actually have had or perhaps am tryign to get over an emotional affir.  Perhaps it is a littledifferent because it was with my former therapist. It might be considered transference but I am certain is was far beyond transference.

Anyway, when I met him I think I was #1.  But after observation and consideration, I realized, we were #2. And not surprisingly, I see myself in category #3 right now.

I was # 4 well,  maybe not completely, but when I felt 1-3, I believed I was #4.

And it was/is all emotional.  Whether he ever felt of still feels the same way is ambiguous.
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6 years ago  ::  Sep 08, 2008 - 1:53PM #5
KatherineOrthodixie
Posts: 3,689
I also have never heard anyone say it's harmless. If you have spent some time on this board, you could see the anguish that emotional affairs cause.
“The Law of the Church is to give oneself to what is given not to seek one’s own.” Fr. Alexander Schmemann
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6 years ago  ::  Sep 10, 2008 - 12:12PM #6
Cesmom
Posts: 5,147
"Mostly I have heard that an emotional affair is considered worse than a sexual affair. I think it's the opposite. I think a person makes a conscious decision whether or not to cheat right before doing so. It's very cut and dry, do it or don't it. Whereas an emotional affair sort of happens. Boundaries get blurred. At what point is the person truly guilty? By the time it is realized, it is already too late. "

I couldn't agree more with this statement.  I do think emotional affairs cause a lot of anguish, and it's easy for an innocent friendship to slowly turn into a situation where you become inappropriately close to that person emotionally.  It's definitely not a concious decision, and the lines are really unclear.  It's hard to tell exactly when they've been crossed.

I've also heard the term 'emotional affair' sometimes innapropriately used.  Not every friendship between a male and a female translates into an emotional affair.  I do believe it's possible for men and women to be friends and nothing more.  The key is for everyone involved to be honest and open and for your commitment to be toward your spouse, not the other person.
Our need to learn should always outweigh our need to be right

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.
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6 years ago  ::  Sep 11, 2008 - 6:10AM #7
angelarose20
Posts: 8
Of course dating in many countries is not the most common term, in areas of the UK we still see people using terms like "courting", "going out with", "stepping out with" or "seeing". All terms have the same function, which is to describe a higher level of meeting with a person than just friendship, http://meet2go.com this is an excellent dating site, here u can find live chats,excellent dating tips,straight and marvelous forum discussions,fun, and if u try there will a person already been waiting for you......iam sure about that
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6 years ago  ::  Sep 11, 2008 - 6:32AM #8
ItsAllALie
Posts: 4,421
From someone who's husband had 21 (yes twenty one) emotional affaris over a 10 year period,,,,

Emphatically they hurt,,,,desperately,,,,only nobody takes it seriously, because, afterall "at least he didn't sleep with them"

They are every bit as painful, every bit as damaging, and every bit as tormenting as a physical affair. It is emotional abuse, pure and simple,,,,,but when no one takes them seriously, it allows them to happen over and over and over again,,,,and if he/she has one,,,they'll have more. They're insidious. And addictive,,,,my husband was literally addicted, the same way you'd be addicted to cigarettes,,,,or alcohol.

It's not anything I like to tell people,,,,because I usually get all kinds of rude responses,,,,fortunately, 5 years of counselling  and my marriage is more wonderful than I ever thought it could be again,,,it is curable. If you get a counsellor who understands the damage they can do,,,,after woman number 15 or so, I found a counsellor for myself, worried that my self esteem had taken such a beating that I was just hanging on for fear of being alone,,,,the counsellor told me not to be hasty,,,not to leave my husband over "nothing",,,

I found a new counsellor a year later,,,I left my husband for a year,,,,it was the only thing that worked.

I think many people are out for romance,,,they love the feeling of falling in love,,,,marriage gets old after 10 or 15 years,,,,it gets better after 10 years if you handle it right,,,,we weren't,,,there were other issues that stressed the marriage that I won't go into here,,,,they didn't help, and the emotional affairs were his way of avoiding that stress,,,,so that had to be handled.

How can I ever trust him again? I can't,,,,and there lies the fallacy,,,we don't trust eachother for no reason,,,we trust eachother because enough evidence builds up that you no longer need to question,,,if your husband tells you that on Thursdays he goes bowling and you see his car there and he calls you and you hear bowling pins, then you know, after a few times,,,and until something happens to make you MIS trust him,,,then you trust him.  My husband and I no longer have passwords on emails,,,every now and again, I still check his phone records, every moment he has is accounted for,,,I don't check as much as I used to, of course,,,,and I won't check as much 2 years from now,,,it builds.

But to be honest,,,he stole something from me,,,he stole my RIGHT to trust my husband,,,that is a precious right,,,and although the marriage is doing so much better, and I love him dearly, and I'd never throw it in his face,,,,I can't forget,,,so,,,you go on,,,make something new,,,

but sometimes I miss the old days before I knew.

Holly
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6 years ago  ::  Sep 11, 2008 - 3:15PM #9
ItsAllALie
Posts: 4,421
Thank you DAH for your kind words,,,something I didn't mention last night when I posted, but strikes me today as very important,,,is what kind of message I was sending to my children,,,and trust me,,,they find out,,,mine did. Eventually,,,,you can't have 21 affairs without it weighing on everyone in the house. (Just to clarify, I didn't find out about each one individually, 21 times,,,it was more like I'd find out about 6 or 8 or them at a time, ,,I got very good at breaking into his email accounts,,,)

I have 2 daughters,,,what did I teach them? Did I teach them to stay with someone who treats you like crap no matter what? That they're not important? That a man can abuse you emotionally, and it doesn't matter? That emotional message is something that gives me nightmares,,,Of course, eventually, I left him,,,I stood up for myself,,,I said NO you can't treat me like this anymore,,,,and it's a message that my daughters GOT, loud strong and clear. But was it too long in coming? I don't know,,,

I hope I gave them the message, as well, that forgiveness is possible,,,that marriage is important,,,that sometimes we hurt eachother, but love does conquer all,,,but that I am also important, and I will not be treated like a doormat,,,,I hope so.

What about my son? Did I teach him that women are to be abused, belittled, treated like crap??? I hope not,,,I know I taught him that a woman CAN care for herself, CAN be alone and be ok,,,,eventually I taught him that,,,but was it too long in coming?

I think I taught them that women can be strong,,,maybe too strong,,,there are times, I think, that my children feel that I have to be perfect,,,take everything they dish out,,,that I don't have a breaking point,,,

That worries me,,,because people DO have breaking points,,,I don't know,,,I did the best I could with the situation I had at the time,,,

There are some not so good messages I taught them,,,and a few good ones,,,only time will tell which ones take hold,,,

But it does affect everyone in the family,,,,emotional affairs are NOT harmless,,,not by a long shot,,,

Thanks for listening,,,Holly
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6 years ago  ::  Sep 11, 2008 - 3:15PM #10
ItsAllALie
Posts: 4,421
Thank you DAH for your kind words,,,something I didn't mention last night when I posted, but strikes me today as very important,,,is what kind of message I was sending to my children,,,and trust me,,,they find out,,,mine did. Eventually,,,,you can't have 21 affairs without it weighing on everyone in the house. (Just to clarify, I didn't find out about each one individually, 21 times,,,it was more like I'd find out about 6 or 8 or them at a time, ,,I got very good at breaking into his email accounts,,,)

I have 2 daughters,,,what did I teach them? Did I teach them to stay with someone who treats you like crap no matter what? That they're not important? That a man can abuse you emotionally, and it doesn't matter? That emotional message is something that gives me nightmares,,,Of course, eventually, I left him,,,I stood up for myself,,,I said NO you can't treat me like this anymore,,,,and it's a message that my daughters GOT, loud strong and clear. But was it too long in coming? I don't know,,,

I hope I gave them the message, as well, that forgiveness is possible,,,that marriage is important,,,that sometimes we hurt eachother, but love does conquer all,,,but that I am also important, and I will not be treated like a doormat,,,,I hope so.

What about my son? Did I teach him that women are to be abused, belittled, treated like crap??? I hope not,,,I know I taught him that a woman CAN care for herself, CAN be alone and be ok,,,,eventually I taught him that,,,but was it too long in coming?

I think I taught them that women can be strong,,,maybe too strong,,,there are times, I think, that my children feel that I have to be perfect,,,take everything they dish out,,,that I don't have a breaking point,,,

That worries me,,,because people DO have breaking points,,,I don't know,,,I did the best I could with the situation I had at the time,,,

There are some not so good messages I taught them,,,and a few good ones,,,only time will tell which ones take hold,,,

But it does affect everyone in the family,,,,emotional affairs are NOT harmless,,,not by a long shot,,,

Thanks for listening,,,Holly
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