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Switch to Forum Live View is it ok to go out with someone when you are separated?
6 years ago  ::  Jan 25, 2008 - 10:32AM #1
mom2-4Angels
Posts: 223
I would love to get other people's insight and points of view on this...maybe it's just me that has this problem of not being able to go on a date or have a relationship with someone while I'm still separated.

I've been married 18 years and separated for the past 3, our first separation was 2 years, but we reconciled, which I feel was under false pretenses(long story short, he told me he loved me, and wanted to work things out, and he moved back into my house and my life, only to find out afterwards that his roomie that he had been staying with was moving, so he needed a place to live)..anyway, now that it has been 3 years and I have this guy that has taken an interest in me(he's a fisherman here in my city)..I have often thought about why not go out if asked and enjoy myself, but another part of me says..NO..you are still married...although in all fairness I should, because my hubby had no problem the first time in having a girlfriend and telling me.."I'll never be alone"...I don't think two wrongs make a right, but is it right not to be happy?

would it be ok..morally speaking for me to give into temptation and go out with this guy even though I'm still married, but separated? I have mixed emotions on this.  I havn't been out on a "date" in so long, and then there is the part of me that is scared to go in that direction.

also I have to deal with my kids..they say that I'm married to daddy and shouldn't even think of going out with anyone, which is true, but I just want to experience being happy for once and not keep thinking.."when is my hubby going to make the move to say..I want you and the kids back"..to me, if he hasn't done it in 3 years, I don't think he's gonna, but I don't really want to get divorced eithr, because to me that's a finalization that it's over..

I don't really know, so thought I would post this up and see what you all thought.
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 25, 2008 - 10:32AM #2
mom2-4Angels
Posts: 223
I would love to get other people's insight and points of view on this...maybe it's just me that has this problem of not being able to go on a date or have a relationship with someone while I'm still separated.

I've been married 18 years and separated for the past 3, our first separation was 2 years, but we reconciled, which I feel was under false pretenses(long story short, he told me he loved me, and wanted to work things out, and he moved back into my house and my life, only to find out afterwards that his roomie that he had been staying with was moving, so he needed a place to live)..anyway, now that it has been 3 years and I have this guy that has taken an interest in me(he's a fisherman here in my city)..I have often thought about why not go out if asked and enjoy myself, but another part of me says..NO..you are still married...although in all fairness I should, because my hubby had no problem the first time in having a girlfriend and telling me.."I'll never be alone"...I don't think two wrongs make a right, but is it right not to be happy?

would it be ok..morally speaking for me to give into temptation and go out with this guy even though I'm still married, but separated? I have mixed emotions on this.  I havn't been out on a "date" in so long, and then there is the part of me that is scared to go in that direction.

also I have to deal with my kids..they say that I'm married to daddy and shouldn't even think of going out with anyone, which is true, but I just want to experience being happy for once and not keep thinking.."when is my hubby going to make the move to say..I want you and the kids back"..to me, if he hasn't done it in 3 years, I don't think he's gonna, but I don't really want to get divorced eithr, because to me that's a finalization that it's over..

I don't really know, so thought I would post this up and see what you all thought.
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 25, 2008 - 2:12PM #3
dreamhealth
Posts: 617
[QUOTE=mom2-4Angels;239923]I would love to get other people's insight and points of view on this...maybe it's just me that has this problem of not being able to go on a date or have a relationship with someone while I'm still separated.

I've been married 18 years and separated for the past 3, our first separation was 2 years, but we reconciled, which I feel was under false pretenses(long story short, he told me he loved me, and wanted to work things out, and he moved back into my house and my life, only to find out afterwards that his roomie that he had been staying with was moving, so he needed a place to live)..anyway, now that it has been 3 years and I have this guy that has taken an interest in me(he's a fisherman here in my city)..I have often thought about why not go out if asked and enjoy myself, but another part of me says..NO..you are still married...although in all fairness I should, because my hubby had no problem the first time in having a girlfriend and telling me.."I'll never be alone"...I don't think two wrongs make a right, but is it right not to be happy?

would it be ok..morally speaking for me to give into temptation and go out with this guy even though I'm still married, but separated? I have mixed emotions on this.  I havn't been out on a "date" in so long, and then there is the part of me that is scared to go in that direction.

also I have to deal with my kids..they say that I'm married to daddy and shouldn't even think of going out with anyone, which is true, but I just want to experience being happy for once and not keep thinking.."when is my hubby going to make the move to say..I want you and the kids back"..to me, if he hasn't done it in 3 years, I don't think he's gonna, but I don't really want to get divorced eithr, because to me that's a finalization that it's over..

I don't really know, so thought I would post this up and see what you all thought.[/QUOTE]

No, Mom, it isn't ok. It isn't ok. You will damage your family fabric.
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 25, 2008 - 2:30PM #4
donnarock
Posts: 7
you are legally seperated.  you've been alone for three years. why must you continue to punish yourself if your marraige is over? my question is why haven't you guys gotten divorced?  i know there are many factors involved here.  how old are your children.  do they need to know you are dating or is it possible to have new friends so it wouldn't be so hard on the kids.  and they must know daddy dated so how do they justify that?
i can't say i agree with the last post. that is only their opinion.  you have to do what works for you.
i do wish you good luck and hopefully you can find some fun for yourself.
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 25, 2008 - 4:16PM #5
DotNotInOz
Posts: 6,833

mom2-4Angels]...I have often thought about why not go out if asked and enjoy myself, but another part of me says..NO..you are still married...although in all fairness I should, because my hubby had no problem the first time in having a girlfriend and telling me.."I'll never be alone"...I don't think two wrongs make a right, but is it right not to be happy?

would it be ok..morally speaking for me to give into temptation and go out with this guy even though I'm still married, but separated? I have mixed emotions on this.[/quote] [emphasis added]

Take another look at the parts of your OP that I've quoted here. It seems to me that you've answered your own question about whether or not you believe it would be okay.

The way to decide for certain might be to pretend you're Dear Abby answering a letter from someone else. Actually sit down and write out an answer from "Abby" to your posting. Doing that may give you the perspective you need to decide what you truly believe is the right thing to do.

I'd say the bottom line is what you believe deep down you must do to set the best example for you wrote:

...I have often thought about why not go out if asked and enjoy myself, but another part of me says..NO..you are still married...although in all fairness I should, because my hubby had no problem the first time in having a girlfriend and telling me.."I'll never be alone"...I don't think two wrongs make a right, but is it right not to be happy?

would it be ok..morally speaking for me to give into temptation and go out with this guy even though I'm still married, but separated? I have mixed emotions on this.[/quote] [emphasis added]

Take another look at the parts of your OP that I've quoted here. It seems to me that you've answered your own question about whether or not you believe it would be okay.

The way to decide for certain might be to pretend you're Dear Abby answering a letter from someone else. Actually sit down and write out an answer from "Abby" to your posting. Doing that may give you the perspective you need to decide what you truly believe is the right thing to do.

I'd say the bottom line is what you believe deep down you must do to set the best example for your kids.

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6 years ago  ::  Jan 25, 2008 - 4:19PM #6
DotNotInOz
Posts: 6,833

mom2-4Angels wrote:

..I have often thought about why not go out if asked and enjoy myself, but another part of me says..NO..you are still married...although in all fairness I should, because my hubby had no problem the first time in having a girlfriend and telling me.."I'll never be alone"...I don't think two wrongs make a right, but is it right not to be happy?

would it be ok..morally speaking for me to give into temptation and go out with this guy even though I'm still married, but separated? I have mixed emotions on this....

also I have to deal with my kids..they say that I'm married to daddy and shouldn't even think of going out with anyone, which is true...



Take another look at the parts of your OP that I've quoted here. It seems to me that you've answered your own question about whether or not you believe it would be okay.

The way to decide for certain might be to pretend you're Dear Abby answering a letter from someone else. Actually sit down and write out an answer from "Abby" to your posting. Doing that may give you the perspective you need to decide what you truly believe is the right thing to do.

I'd say the bottom line is what you believe deep down you must do to set the best example for your kids.

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6 years ago  ::  Jan 25, 2008 - 5:06PM #7
Nomes
Posts: 43
ABSOLUTELY YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get out there girl, what makes you think that you DON'T deserve to be happy?  You deserve to be happy and enjoy life just as much as the next person (or just as much as your ex!).  Seriously, you have waited 3 years, no wonder you are anxious about dating.  Don't worry though, just go back in time to a place where you felt comfortable about dating.......take on that youthful energy again.  Also, get in front of that mirror, really look at yourself and say "I am filled with love and I am here to be loved", "I attract love and joy into my life now". 

You go girl, I want to know how that first date goes!!!!!!!!!
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 25, 2008 - 5:22PM #8
DotNotInOz
Posts: 6,833
Just a sec here, Nomes. Have you considered what could result from her dating before she's legally divorced if her kids happen to mention this to their father? Or what if she and her date are out somewhere and her husband should happen to see them? Sure, we'd all like to think that something like this would never be used to get the upper hand in a divorce action, but let's be real.

Even though my ex and I discussed who would do what in detail when we separated, he decided to claim that I had "abandoned the marriage" by moving to the town where my job was. Never mind that we had discussed this and had agreed that as his job was there and mine elsewhere, it would make more sense for me to move. When I learned that he'd hired the nastiest divorce lawyer in the area, I realized I'd been stupid to think that we would get through the process in a civilized way.

You never know what a spouse may decide to do in order to gain the advantage in a divorce action. Finding out that she's dating while still legally married (even though he may well have been doing that very thing himself) could give Mom's husband just the ammunition he wants to file with cause and possibly even to go for custody of the kids.

I'm not saying this will happen, of course, but it sure could.
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 25, 2008 - 5:34PM #9
DotNotInOz
Posts: 6,833
Just a sec here, Nomes. You're telling her "Don't worry"????

Have you considered what could result from her dating before she's legally divorced if one of her kids mentions this to their father? Or what if she and her date are out somewhere and her husband should happen to see them? Sure, we'd all like to think that something like this would never be used to get the upper hand in a divorce action, but let's be real.

Even though my ex and I discussed who would do what in detail when we separated, he decided to claim that I had "abandoned the marriage" by moving to the town where my job was. Never mind that we had discussed this and had agreed that as his job was there and mine elsewhere, it would make more sense for me to move. When I learned that he'd hired the nastiest divorce lawyer in the area, I realized I'd been stupid to think that we would get through the process in a civilized way.

You never know what a spouse may decide to do in order to gain the advantage in a divorce action. Finding out that she's dating while still legally married (even though he's done that and more himself) could give Mom's husband just the ammunition he wants to file with cause and possibly even to go for custody of the kids besides.

I'm not saying this will happen, of course, but it sure could.
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 25, 2008 - 5:54PM #10
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Mom2-
If by "go out with" you mean to have fun with in public or perhaps in a group, I'd say go right ahead.  Make it clear that there's to be no physical intimacy, though; that would be adultery, and consequences attend that.

You already know that separation is not a divorce.

This does not mean that your life should either end or go on hold while waiting for your stbx to complete the paperwork, either.  Go, have fun---but make sure that other people are with you/nearby, so you don't fall into temptation and suffer because of that fall.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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