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Switch to Forum Live View Army wife going crazy...
10 years ago  ::  Aug 22, 2008 - 3:08AM #1
Wgoen
Posts: 1
Well my husband and I were married in Jan of this year. He has been in Germany the hole time.. Well matter of fact he has been in Germany since last July and still has another year. We NEVER used to fight or get upset at eachother, but now that he is thereall we do is fight. If it isn't about money, it is about him going out all the time.  i mean this is the 2nd year that i didn't even get a birthday card from him. He doesn't call me I have to call him, he doesn't send letters or cards, nothing.  I call him at the same times everyday, but when it comes to the weekend.. I just find it funny that his cell doesn't work, or he NEVER hears it to pick it up.
Maybe it is just the lack of trust I have but I feel like there is someone else. I mean with his first wife he did this too while over seas. So that in itself doesnt make me feel good about it. I am just lost and dont know how to talk to him about all this. I try and we fight. He is out playing while I take care of his 4 kids who live with there mom and my own two kids. and I dont even get a thank you.. I feel that this last year may  end our relationship and we never even got to live together or be a family..
help
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10 years ago  ::  Aug 22, 2008 - 8:37AM #2
Tmarie64
Posts: 5,277
If he did this to the first wife...
Why are you taking care of HIS kids?  If they live with their mother, why are you in their picture?
Why are you not in Germany with him?  It is an accompanied tour.
James Thurber - "It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."
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10 years ago  ::  Aug 22, 2008 - 11:06AM #3
Hatman
Posts: 9,954

Wgoen wrote:

Well my husband and I were married in Jan of this year. He has been in Germany the hole time.. Well matter of fact he has been in Germany since last July and still has another year. We NEVER used to fight or get upset at eachother, but now that he is thereall we do is fight. If it isn't about money, it is about him going out all the time.  i mean this is the 2nd year that i didn't even get a birthday card from him. He doesn't call me I have to call him, he doesn't send letters or cards, nothing.  I call him at the same times everyday, but when it comes to the weekend.. I just find it funny that his cell doesn't work, or he NEVER hears it to pick it up.
Maybe it is just the lack of trust I have but I feel like there is someone else. I mean with his first wife he did this too while over seas. So that in itself doesnt make me feel good about it. I am just lost and dont know how to talk to him about all this. I try and we fight. He is out playing while I take care of his 4 kids who live with there mom and my own two kids. and I dont even get a thank you.. I feel that this last year may  end our relationship and we never even got to live together or be a family..
help

Wgoen- I'm very sorry to say that I think your instincts are correct, based not only on his past history of pulling the same trick, but also his failure to contact you spontaneously and his refusal/unwillingness/lying about answering his cell on weekends.  Frankly, I don't know what to do, either; you have no proof of infidelity, and suspicion is not enough alone.  I also find myself curious as to why his spouse and children are not accompanying him on this tour in a non-combat zone...unless they are YOUR children alone, and not his.  If this guess is correct, has he filed to adopt your children?  Having a spouse a long way away is tough enough; having doubts about their fidelity is even worse, especially if it is KNOWN that one spouse has been absolutely faithful.  At the minimum, I'd recommend contacting military spouse counseling services, and taking full advantage.  If you're absolutely convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that he's been unfaithful---and if this is completely abhorrent and unacceptable to you---you may wish to visit www.divorcecare.com, see if there's a meeting near you, and go, so as to prepare yourself for what I sense you don't want, but may be required to initiate at some point in the relatively near future.  Knowing what I now know about the occasional glitches B-net has with posting, I expect all of this will be scrunched together, and I apologize in advance.  Warmest regards-  Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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10 years ago  ::  Aug 22, 2008 - 9:42AM #4
DAH54
Posts: 3,318
Hello Wgoen and welcome to Beliefnet, and this small corner of it. I am so sorry for the pain and mistrust that has brought you here. I am curious if I am reading your post correctly your husband was in Germany before you married was he acting in this way then? Or have things changed. Has he always been out of reach on the weekends?

When I read what you have posted, it feels like you are little more than his baby sitter, I am sorry to say. It doesn't feel like you are valued or respected at this point. I'll assume that it is your children that prevents you from joining him in Germany? That it would break their fathers rights to visitation?

No one enjoys ending a relationship, but in this case where perhaps it was never truly given a chance to start and it was not even nurtured from the beginning perhaps it is better. Words are cheap, and actions speak loudly for those willing to hear. He has a cell phone, and on the weekends when he is free, it doesn't work? Have you ever seen the bill for his cell phone? Does it list the phone numbers he is calling and of those calling him? Not much point in having a cell phone if it can't be counted on getting a hold of you in an emergency.

Again I'm sorry, but something is not right here, and in my opinion it has to do with how much he values you and respects you at a minimum. He is the one that appears to be opting out of this marriage, and if that is indeed the case, I see little reason to wait till he returns. He has crossed the line into causing you to feel mistrust and uncared for, and it is up to him to demonstrate you matter to him. One great way of doing that in my opinion would be giving you access to his cell phone records, I think that would show you who is calling him on a regular bases. But even if no one is, it doesn't change the apparent worth and value he is placing on you. He appears to be failing to seek you out, to try and contact you. You say never and that is an absolute, which makes me question just how often never really is? There is a significant time difference between where he is and where you are. **Could** this play a role in why he seldom calls you? Could it be he does not wish to wake you up? Or keep you up late? Or could it be that it is much cheaper for you to call him than for him to call you? Money seems to be a problem, could his lack of calls be due to who it is the cheaper for?




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