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Switch to Forum Live View PLEASE HELP! Wife went outside the marriage emotionally
10 years ago  ::  Aug 03, 2008 - 12:58AM #1
Posts: 1
Addvice anyone?

About 3 months agom I was at home when my wife left for work. Her and I had been going through rough times and there seemed to be no end in sight. When she left for work, I went up to the computer room and saw that her myspace was open. I couldnt help but to look at the messages she was sending. I checked the trash file and my worst fears had come true. There were tons of letters in the trash box sent to one of my bosses.  They were exchanging I love yous and I miss yous. The messages where horrible. She was saying things to him that a married woman should only say to her husband. Now there was nothing in the messages that indicated they were sexually involed. I was happy about that but I felt like my life was over. I confronted her that night at her work and she explained that she was in love with him and that she wanted to be with him. I was destroyed. She told me things like she felt he as her soul mate and that he understands her. The rough times got rougher as the weeks went on. She decided she wanted to get a divorce and I tried to fight it but there was no turning back for her.  Weeks of begging and pleeding her to stay went by followed by her giving false hope to me. Finnally I didnt know what to do so. She had ask if she could go home for a little bit and I said yes. I sent her on a plane back home and she stayed for a week there. When she got back we got into and argument about the bills being split up and everything that comes with a divorce and this was all in the day that she got back. I finally had enough and went to a friends house to have some drinks. Well my friends wife call my wife and couldnt get ahold of her. She we went to the house to find the place destroyed. The wedding albums and pictures where all over the place torn up into a million pieces. My wife was there but she wasnt in good shape. The night went on and things calmed down. The next day she woke up and had said she wanted to go on a drive and I could go with her but sh e had saud she didnt want to talk about anything.  We drove around for two hrs and when we got back she said she was going to the gym. When she left I felt something wasnt right. I went to the guys house to find her car there and I took a picture of her coming out the door to his arpartment. She was mad. She came home and we got into another argument. Well the day went by when one of are friends came over and basiclly told us we didnt want a divorce and she saved our marriage to make the point clear. Days wnet by and my wife promised me she would talk to him anymore. She deleted his number and block his myspace names. 

Things have been better than ever but I am still having trust issues. She has multiple email accounts and still has myspace. She says she isnt talking to him anymore but I am not sure about that.  I am having serious trust issues and I am wondering if I am wrong for feeling that way. Its just so hard not to worry about what she is doing or trying to hide. Any input would be great right about now.  Sorry so long!!
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10 years ago  ::  Aug 03, 2008 - 1:37AM #2
Posts: 286
Of course you have serious trust issues.  She has given you a full list of anything but reasons not to trust her.  After such a long time of withholding the truth needs to be backed up by just as long of time proving she can be trusted.  Have you looked into counseling?  Even if she won't go with you (which she should if she is committed to your marriage) it could be helpful for you to go to find ways to work with her in healthy ways.
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10 years ago  ::  Aug 03, 2008 - 6:02AM #3
Posts: 9,954
First, never beg her for anything again.  Ever.

Second, go and visit, as well as maybe google "Retrouvaille," looking for testimonials.  If you like what you read, direct your wife's attention to it, and see if she's willing to go, as well.

Third, sit down and write out what you think a marriage should be like.  Keep adding to it as days pass.  Tell your wife that this is what you're doing.  Ask her to do it, too.  After a week or two, sit down with each other's list and see what can be worked out.

One of my favorite old tunes is from The Byrds, and the relevant verse goes:

"When it's time I'll go and wait
Beside a legendary fountain
'Til I see your form reflected
In it's clear and jeweled waters

And if you think I'm ready
You may lead me to that chasm
Where the rivers of our vision
Flow in to one another

See especially the last two lines; for me, this is what marriage is all about, the melding of two visions into One, to work together toward something, preferably putting "the marriage" above a whole lot of selfish concerns/wants/needs.

However, should your wife spurn your attempt to reconcile and work things through, I'd strongly suggest that you go and visit, see if there's a meeting near you, and go.  Then, do whatever it takes to protect your interests---take pics of stuff, especially stuff you had before the marriage, but also everything else---including important paperwork like deeds, titles, bankbooks, credit card balances, etc.  It's been my observation---and it appears that you have experienced at least part of it first-hand---that angry, vindictive stbx's will trash stuff and/or run up major credit card debt so as to "stick it to you."  IIRC, there are ways to protect yourself from this happening, but you need good legal advice to do this.  I THINK(but am not sure) that if you run an ad in a local newspaper "of general circulation," stating that after such and such a date, you will no longer be responsible for any debts run up by _____________(name of wife), that this MIGHT provide a layer of protection, but the law varies greatly from state to state.

If y'all determine that you DON'T, CAN'T or WON'T value the marriage above your selfish desires, either one of you, then separating yourself from the selfish one asap is advisable; it takes two who are willing to share the load, not one who works positively and the other who either doesn't work, goes along for the ride, or actively opposes where you want to go.  Contested divorces get messy and expensive; if you're lucky, she'll agree to have an arbitrator split up both assets AND debts fairly, instead of trying to do it yourselves or having lawyers battle it out and both of you be left with little or nothing after taking out loans to pay their fees.  Be certain to document all tangible goods owned, whether individually or jointly.  Gifts are gifts, and cannot be claimed as your property(or hers), once given; if they are destroyed, you MIGHT be able to get fair market value for them, but only RARELY, replacement value.   Depending on the item in question, most of them lose value with age, so "depreciated value" is all you'll get, if you're lucky.

Warmest regards-

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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10 years ago  ::  Aug 12, 2008 - 4:02PM #4
Posts: 0
There are only a few reasons why women, and men, for that matter... stray emotionally... outside of a relationship.
Usually, it's because they just feel so completely alone within it, and hopeless that it will change.

We all need intimacy.
Sometimes, in marriage, we forget to continue to build, nurture, and respect ... that need.

When I have been in a similar place, within a relationship, I have always found that the best thing I can do, is look inward at what needs I am not providing my partner - I ask them.

P.S. -- do not go through her stuff - it's an act of invasion of privacy, and it is also mental abuse (of your own mind).

Hope it gets better for you.

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10 years ago  ::  Aug 13, 2008 - 1:51AM #5
Posts: 2,350

A book - "Why marriages succeed or fail"

If you can, read it together.  Also, if you don't already, I would recommend listening to country music.  It sounds sappy, I know, but it's more for her than for you.  Good luck!

She loves you.  It's obvious.  Otherwise why would she do all the drama instead of simply leaving?  When someone doesn't care, they just leave.
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10 years ago  ::  Aug 16, 2008 - 9:22AM #6
Posts: 88
Dear Soupman,

Whilst I agree what you wife did was not appropriate for a married lady - however I have a question for you.

For some times has your wife been telling you she is not happy about something in your marriage - but you said you were happy and there was NO PROBLEM?   Just an idea.

So often women are telling their husbands NO BEFORE ANYTHING LIKE THIS HAPPENS and the men often shut them out.

All the best and I hope things improve for the both of you.
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10 years ago  ::  Nov 08, 2008 - 10:18PM #7
Posts: 2
I wonder how things are for you now?
I have been through a similar experience.
I took my husband back but I find it hard to trust him and since I always thought a marriage was based on love, friendship and trust without the trust there is no friendship so I am struggling only with love and even that I am unsure of since how can they love us if they cheat on us?
I don't know about you but I am left feeling that I have spent 20 years (since 17 yrs old) with a man who may have never loved me. I am unsure if he drinks because he resents the fact that he is with me because I love him so much and he has never found anyone better.
I feel second best to someone who probably never exists.
If this is unrequited love I wonder why I am fighting to save a marriage that only I am fighting to save?
He tells me he married me because I am so pretty, clever  and so caring and love him so much.
That sounds great until you realise that he married me only because of those things and although he never loved anyone else more he knew something was missing but the thought of letting someone else have this prize catch stopped him from letting me go to find someone who loved me as much as I loved him.
Great - I am with a man who loves me until he finds something better.
Well he did find someone who drank like him, who listened to him and got on with him - enough to overlook the fact that he had 2 small kids and a wife - and she managed to get him in bed  - just the once - bec ause he apparantly couldn't stomach it any more than that.
His 21 year old girlfriend may have had the personality  and age he liked but he couldn't quite get past the fact that she was darn ugly and never washed after sex.
So I took him back as he told me he would give up the drink and that I was the perfect woman for him.
And now 6 months on he still drinks and still tells me he doesn't want to be here - despite me being lovely to him.
So what is the point? He treats me with no respect and the things he has done to me I know he wouldn't do if he loved me. I have to admit that despite him telling me he loves me - I know in my heart that he doesn't love himself so he can never love anyone else.
Darn those romantic films, books and Cinderella fairytales I read as a child - they didn't tell me Prince Charming would look like a Prince and act like a frog!
So please tell me that your marriage worked out - I prefer to believe in fairytales than real life.
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10 years ago  ::  Nov 09, 2008 - 2:58PM #8
Posts: 10,165
Okay, I think, fwiw, as a good faith effort, she should ditch the MySpace, whatnot.  Seriously.  Grownups don't really need MySpace.
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10 years ago  ::  Nov 10, 2008 - 10:49AM #9
Posts: 5,740
[QUOTE=soular_energy;685886]There are only a few reasons why women, and men, for that matter... stray emotionally... outside of a relationship.
Usually, it's because they just feel so completely alone within it, and hopeless that it will change.

We all need intimacy.
Sometimes, in marriage, we forget to continue to build, nurture, and respect ... that need.

When I have been in a similar place, within a relationship, I have always found that the best thing I can do, is look inward at what needs I am not providing my partner - I ask them.

P.S. -- do not go through her stuff - it's an act of invasion of privacy, and it is also mental abuse (of your own mind).

Hope it gets better for you.


I second this post.  I do hope the two of you can go to counseling to start to rebuild.  Try to recognize that there has been hurt on both sides.  She reached out to someone else because she was lonely...that does not justify her actions...only gives you a point of reference as to her frame of mind when it happened.  I'm certain that you resent her for what she's done...that's totally expected.  She probably has resentments of her own as well.  It's going to take a lot of time and work, but that doesn't mean it's a hopeless cause. 

Let her know what you expect from her and need from her as your wife and ask her to tell you the same.  Then, hold yourselves and each other accountable for whatever you agree to do to fix things.  That's what has seemed to help us get through some of our marital hurdles, anyway.
Our need to learn should always outweigh our need to be right

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.
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