Hi, Iposted this in the grief forum.  I am in so much pain.  My life is "Totalled", as I've been told.

Hi, I lost my oldest son four years ago. He was 16 and crashed at the end of my street. He was a beautiful, high spirited boy. I miss him every day. I feel that he is near at times. I beieve he has given me strength. But I am just overwhelmed with loss.

My husband wouldn't attend grief support for the family. ( i have 3 surviving children). He has left me for a former friend of mine. In the meantime I found out that he had been having an affair when my son died ( with another woman). He encouraged me to believe that I was "crazy" with grief, because I kept asking for family help.

He has been having the current affair for over 2 years. I asked him to leave, he did then moved into her home. My children have been in so much pain, they can't see why I am angry. Everything I believed to be true in my life, wasn't. I can't even comfort myself with the support of my community, the overflowing of support when my son died. So many people knew he had been caught with the other married woman, the week before my son died.
I really believed he was a good man and father. My grief over my son is compounded by the grief of losing what I thought my life was.

My family is fractured. My children are depressed. They don't know who I really am because of the distress I experienced. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought my husband was suffering from grief. I supported him, defended him, thought I loved him. I feel that he stole my children. He messed up their minds and hearts. I am angry.

I need God's help. I pray every day. I thank God for the things I do have. My husband tried to ruin my life, my reputation and my children, but I know the truth. I know that God has given me a good soul, that can't be destroyed.
Please pray for us.

This is my first Christmas with the total devastation. I miss my son so much.

clearingblueeyes,

Welcome to the Divorce  & Separation Forum, and so sorry for all the terrible pain you have had to endure.  There are so many kind and caring folk here, like Hatman whom you've already met, who are happy to give feedback, share, and just listen.  I hope you can stay awhile with us.

The pain and terrible grief over the loss of your precious son was almost too much to bear.  And now  your world has been turned upside down even more with the discovery of infidelity and the knowledge that it has been ongoing for so long.  You are finding it hard to trust your own thoughts about what is, having been fooled for such a long time.

You have so much to deal with, more than any one person can by herself.  I hope you can find a way to get support for the twin towers of pain that must be dealt with.  There is likely a grief support group in your area, and I hope you will consider seeking one out.  The people there really know what you are going through with the loss of your son, having been their themselves.  There are also divorce support groups, and programs such as DivorceCare that also help.  You are not alone - there is comfort out there.

In the meantime, you are in my prayers.

Blessings,

ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce & Separation

Thank you all so much for your responses, your prayers. Each of  you are right.  My children can't take this pain.  I try to hide my pain, but I can't.

The pain is too much sometimes.  I know my children have suffered so much, and to see my sadness only makes it worse.  I have been to counseling every week, gaining strength.  The strength I used to have.  I am having such a problem with trust. 

I have been praying for the gift of trust again.  I have to, I just learned I will lose my home and have to move.  I don't have extended family.  I don't know where to go.  But I have to have faith. 

Is it wrong for me to be so angry?  He drove up to my home on Christmas with his lover to pick up my young son.  What is wrong with this picture?  I believe he wants to hurt me because of his actions prior to my son's death.   He is weak, I thought he was strong. I prayed and supported him threw "grief".  Now he tells my children that I am irrational with my anger. 

I know now that I have to move on.  I am frightened.  I am for the first time in my life, totallly frightened.  And I have been threw ALOT. before this.  I feel that I was thrown away. POOF GONE.  I only loved my family.  There was never honesty.  I am having a terrible time accepting that.  I simply can't.

Thank you all for your prayers.  I know how much I need them, accept them and feel them wash over me.

Thank you all so much for your responses, your prayers. Each of  you are right.  My children can't take this pain.  I try to hide my pain, but I can't.

The pain is too much sometimes.  I know my children have suffered so much, and to see my sadness only makes it worse.  I have been to counseling every week, gaining strength.  The strength I used to have.  I am having such a problem with trust. 

I have been praying for the gift of trust again.  I have to, I just learned I will lose my home and have to move.  I don't have extended family.  I don't know where to go.  But I have to have faith. 

Is it wrong for me to be so angry?  He drove up to my home on Christmas with his lover to pick up my young son.  What is wrong with this picture?  I believe he wants to hurt me because of his actions prior to my son's death.   He is weak, I thought he was strong. I prayed and supported him threw "grief".  Now he tells my children that I am irrational with my anger. 

I know now that I have to move on.  I am frightened.  I am for the first time in my life, totallly frightened.  And I have been threw ALOT. before this.  I feel that I was thrown away. POOF GONE.  I only loved my family.  There was never honesty.  I am having a terrible time accepting that.  I simply can't.

Thank you all for your prayers.  I know how much I need them, accept them and feel them wash over me.

clearingblueeyes,

Your feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are.  So it is not "wrong" to feel angry - if you feel angry, then you feel angry.  Period.   The more feelings are denied or pretended not to be what they are, the more insistent  they will be in manifesting in some form or another.

With all that has happened, it is completely natural and understandable to feel buffeted about by deep and painful emotions.  Emotional pain really does hurt, and the pain runs deep.  It is also completely understandable and natural to feel a loss of trust.

Counseling is beneficial and helpful to getting through this difficult time.  Hopefully other avenues of support can be added.  Posting here probably helps a bit, and it might also be useful to investigate divorce group or revisit a grief support group like the one that you had previously.

You continue to be in prayers.

Blessings,
Arnie