Post Reply
Page 3 of 5  •  Prev 1 2 3 4 5 Next
6 years ago  ::  Jul 21, 2008 - 9:22PM #21
bob185
Posts: 125
SobIessed - know I screwed up, but I was always a good father - NO EXCUSES - this hit me late in life after taking care of many people from both sides of the family  and losses - I hope my kids remember the good times because they outweigh the bad - the rough times were the last part - I must overcome this adversity and am trying yet it is hard if they don't see me everyday if I am making progress, I know by her reactions to me that they can see this and I'm not there to defend  - my ex is a good person and I do love her -  my parents are gone and she still has her mom and aunts and cousins and brother around to the house - who's side will they be on - they always loved me as one of theirs but know I never hear from them - I was always good to them  -  her brother lived with us for over a year - I feel outmaned - am I being unreasonabe here? Yes - I do attend AA - yes I am crushed by what has happened - but my living conditions are not good and there's is still home- Not too long back, my ex said to our kid's "no one spends more time with their kid's than your father"  now I feel like a pariah.
Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Jul 21, 2008 - 9:50PM #22
soblessed3
Posts: 205
Move past the past. Whatever your children remember is up to them. You can not control anything other then you and how YOU feel. No sense in worrying about everyone else at this poinnt. Whats done is done and over.

Siding with your wife on one thing, it's fine that she has family and it's great she has all that support around her and her children. It's hard for an alcoholic to see just how much hurt you put on her and the kids. Yes you screwed up but like I said, move past that now.

I still hear "victim" in your voice. Their home is their home and your living conditions are poor. Then do something about it. You feel "outmaned". How do you think she felt all those years? You should feel that way. A woman can fight another woman, a woman can deal with your death.......she can NOT fight against alcohol. She has done the right thing by moving on. I know you don't want to hear that. I'm sure she waited a long time only to get the same results from you. Can you honestly blame her for going? Those children need family, they need stability, you can still be a great father to them. That is what matters now.

You can't expect to get sober and move into a castle, get your wife back, your children be at your side and surrounded wtih good times. You have to work it.

I think you should quit worrying about her and their situation and worry about getting yourself well in all aspects. : )
Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Jul 22, 2008 - 12:03AM #23
CHD
Posts: 16
[QUOTE=soblessed3;640073]Move past the past. Whatever your children remember is up to them. You can not control anything other then you and how YOU feel. No sense in worrying about everyone else at this poinnt. Whats done is done and over.

Siding with your wife on one thing, it's fine that she has family and it's great she has all that support around her and her children. It's hard for an alcoholic to see just how much hurt you put on her and the kids. Yes you screwed up but like I said, move past that now.

I still hear "victim" in your voice. Their home is their home and your living conditions are poor. Then do something about it. You feel "outmaned". How do you think she felt all those years? You should feel that way. A woman can fight another woman, a woman can deal with your death.......she can NOT fight against alcohol. She has done the right thing by moving on. I know you don't want to hear that. I'm sure she waited a long time only to get the same results from you. Can you honestly blame her for going? Those children need family, they need stability, you can still be a great father to them. That is what matters now.

You can't expect to get sober and move into a castle, get your wife back, your children be at your side and surrounded wtih good times. You have to work it.

I think you should quit worrying about her and their situation and worry about getting yourself well in all aspects. : )[/QUOTE]

soblessed3, your words sting with unwanted truths, but are delivered with a compassion and understanding that can only be a spiritual gift.  I am glad I read your posts.  You have touched my very soul.
Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Jul 22, 2008 - 6:30AM #24
bob185
Posts: 125
soblessed - you are right  in many aspects - I suppose I put myself here - just was looking out for everyone but myself and thought my shoulders were broad enough  and now feel alone and do have some resentment - just need support to get thru this  - bob
Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Jul 22, 2008 - 12:52PM #25
soblessed3
Posts: 205
I'm sorry that my words sting. I do care and I am trying to support you and will always. Broad shoulders will do you no good if you are standing in quick sand right? Or a shakey ground. I promise you this......if and when you are ready, you will work on YOU and realize that YOU need to be first in your life right now.......with God.....together. The rest will fall into place.
Let your children know maybe in a letter that you are remorseful and you hope there will be a future that it is up to them and all you can do is work on yourself in hopes that they will soon see who you can be. You do not sound like a bad guy at all. Just a lost sheep that needs brought back into the group. That's the wonderful thing with God or your higher power, you can take your time or go fast. The glorious thing about being forgiven is you can sin and be washed clean and never have to be the person you once were. You are washed clean. That means all your wrongs are done. It is then up to the people you have wronged to do the forgiving but you have to ask. It doesn't matter if they do not forgive you, the Lord does and that is who matters. The saying "time heals all wounds" is true.
Alcoholism is the biggest test of your faith and if you can pull through that you can take on the world. Alcoholism was of your own free-will. Now let go and let God take over. Amazing things are going to happen to you. Believe and have that faith.
Put down your shoulders and borrow mine for a while. My ground is pretty solid, I think I can hold us both for a while. I have a pretty big God safety net. ; )
Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Jul 22, 2008 - 2:02PM #26
bob185
Posts: 125
I'll try soblessed - it is hard going it alone - must brace AA - as a couple, we had "couple friends" no one wants to take sides - I WAS NEVER ABUSIVE - i am sorry to see you had to deal with that - just was depressed over losses and it became progressive - my wife (ex) was the one with the temper. Acceptance is hard, and now she holds the cards because of a piece of paper I signed. I worked 20 years and help put her thru scholl - she started working a few years ago.   Now I will be "working" for her although I always put everything into the same kitty.  Just hard to accept. Read page 417 all the time from the big book.  Yes - the words do sting.
Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Jul 22, 2008 - 2:29PM #27
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Bob-
If the divorce has not yet been finalized(as in a "final decree of divorce" from a judge), then there's a possibility that the paper you signed might be able to be overturned on at least two grounds.  First, unconscionability, meaning that it is so unfair as to be unconscionable.  Second, the state of mental distress you were in at the time you signed the papers in question.

However, if what you signed WAS the final decree of divorce, then you're pretty-much stuck, I think, unless you have some significant changes in your income or circumstances.

You might want to consider visiting www.divorcecare.com, and see if there's a meeting near you---then go.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Jul 22, 2008 - 2:42PM #28
hopeforus
Posts: 85
Hey Bob, sounds like you have a general idea on what you need to do. First thing you have to do is forgive yourself. It's done, and the you can't change the past, but to move forward, give yourself a break. No further need to beat yourself up. You have to be your own best friend first, and I'm sure your a pretty good guy, just made mistakes, like who hasn't? Otherwise you wouldn't be expressing remorse, just anger and indignation. So if you can't change the past, what is there to do? Change the present. Relax, avoid stressors and negative thoughts, eat right, take care of your self.Take time to think about the good things you still have in life, health, children, and a roof over your head. Maybe a car that runs. Many others are not so lucky. Be grateful for the simple things in life, and what worked for me was to reach out to see whom maybe you can help in some small way. It will do wonders for your self esteem, and emotional health. Most of all, pray, and pray some more. God will not put you down or make you feel worse. Spill all your feelings to Him, and ask for some peace. Like the saying goes... "it works if ya work it", and it will. Just relax, and take it one day at a time, you know God asked that of us before Bill ever did. Hang in there, and go easy, it will get better, and if you think about it, could have been a lot worse,  even though now, it may not seem so. hang in there, I feel there are many people rooting for you, but you have to be the first in line.

respectfully,
Bob
Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Jul 22, 2008 - 2:55PM #29
hopeforus
Posts: 85
Bob, also as Hatman said, divorcecare.com is a Blessing. The best 30 bucks I ever spent. I'm sure you have heard about the "divorce recovery" programs at churches and other places. 13 weeks or something like that, but you can order the cd's and the workbook yourself, and that's what I did. I needed to focus on me, maybe selfish, but it sure helped. You can journal your feekings, and follow along with the workbook at your own pace, when you feel like it. It not only helped me recover from my divorce, but has many topics like children, work, and other relative subjects, from some great non judgemental experts in all different fields whom seem like they know you and exactly what your going through. I have still kept it, and loaned it out many times to others, and all thought it was great. Your welcome to mine if you need it. Go easy, and check into Hatmans advice, also there are many free websites that offer legal advice. Check them out, and stay busy, as sometimes just quiet time can be a enemy as well as a friend, hang tough, and keep Hope.
Quick Reply
Cancel
6 years ago  ::  Jul 22, 2008 - 8:48PM #30
soblessed3
Posts: 205
Rather I was abused or not has nothing to do with what I was saying to you. Everyone's situation is different. Living with an alcoholic still has the same affects on those around them was my point. I have let mine go with love and hopefully your ex will do the same. Friendship is very important if you can get that back. Keep working the program. Best of luck.
Quick Reply
Cancel
Page 3 of 5  •  Prev 1 2 3 4 5 Next
 
    Viewing this thread :: 0 registered and 1 guest
    No registered users viewing
    Advertisement

    Beliefnet On Facebook