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Switch to Forum Live View am i kidding myself?
6 years ago  ::  Dec 12, 2007 - 3:50PM #11
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
Feinics,

There is a very delicate balance between asserting one's needs and trying to change the other person.  What is typically lacking is the tools with which to effectively communicate thoughts and feelings, as was alluded to in the first post.

There are actually very good reasons why so many men find it difficult to share feelings (and why there is much truth to the comic mentioned on the other thread). 

There is a way that can be learned to communicate effectively in such a way that you each feel heard and understood by the other.  This also helps find a way in which both of your needs are ultimately met and there is no compromise!  (Compromise, meaning accepting less than one's needs is never beneficial to a relationship, and yet win/win solutions are always possible with the right kind of dialogue!)

You are welcome to join our group that is exploring this approach to interpersonal communications.

Blessings,
Arnie
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 13, 2007 - 1:12AM #12
SatanicStalker
Posts: 719
I seriously doubt that ANY two people EVER in the history of intellegent life on Earth have ever entered into a relationship having in place perfect interactions between them such that they did not need to both adapt and learn how to be in a relationship with one another.

In fact, I think a lot of relationships are doomed from the beginning because people believe that this will be the case, that they will fit together so perfectly that no adjustments should be needed, and therefore if there are areas where adjustments are needed, they discard the whole relationship thinking "well, we just weren't right for one another."

Yes, it may technically be "changing him" in the strictest sense, but so what? Minute changes like these happen all the time, to everyone. No one ever goes to bed as the exact same person he was when he got out of bed. I have changed my mate and he has changed me, from the moment we met we had an affect one one another. This is not bad change, it's change that's necessary for living.

What is a bad sign is when one person sets out to intentionally change another in a specific way. That doesn't work because people never change in only one way, and it shows a regection of some aspect of that person, which is not good for a relationship. However, believing that you will only love them if they remain exactly the same as they were when you first met them is just as bad. Love should be adapting, growing, and dynamic, as is everything alive.  People change, and positive regard based on brittle unchanging ideas of who and what a person is is bound to be at first constricting, and at last explosive, when the frame can no longer hold the picture.

If he is willing to make this adjustment to himself, and you are willing to make equal adjustment to yourself, and you both are willing to work together and help one another learn to be in a relationship with one anther, then there is hope. The first step is always communication... you have to find out, first, if this is the case. Then go from there.

~Stalker
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 13, 2007 - 8:36PM #13
Glory2Glory
Posts: 100
It sounds like an incredible amount of work if you ask me, and it may not be worth it.  "The one" for you will have a temperament and sensibility that much more closely matches your own.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 13, 2007 - 8:36PM #14
Glory2Glory
Posts: 100
It sounds like an incredible amount of work if you ask me, and it may not be worth it.  "The one" for you will have a temperament and sensibility that much more closely matches your own.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 24, 2007 - 11:10PM #15
donne
Posts: 21
Greetings Everyone.. Feinics, I believe you have all the advice you need from everyone in the few above replies.. When I read your letters I see alot of confusion like the fact he's "ditched me".. and "treated me like dirt".  Do you  believe in "HIS" love.. or do you just believe in "LOVE"...  or do you want to be in love with him, or just be in love..It seems to me he's dropping the ball on the very basic things a relationship is made of. if he can't do this what about the more importaint stuff.. would he be by your side if you are very sick and in the hospital.. or if you are having a hard time will he support you or give another reason why he couldn't come through..I had a bad relationship w/ someone like you.. I thought.. well if outt of 7 days of the week only 1 is bad.. I can live with that.. then if 3 out of the 7 are good I can work with that.. besides, she says she loves me.. and I don't believe in myself enough to think anyone else will EVER tell me they love me.. so I must take the bad with the good. WRONG. Listen to everyones' advice then take a good long hard look at yourself and your present life in the mirror, and I believe the first answer will present itself in your heart..  I wish you well..remember it's not 50/50.. it's  100/100.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 25, 2007 - 12:22AM #16
shiloh43
Posts: 423
I am wandering if he isnt talking to you cause he is like most men. they only want to hear what they want to hear and not what you are actually saying. Its just like to night my husband is going ariound and saying that i dont ever want sex, and his friends are sitting there and telling him its not true that i always ask him for it. He hears and only believes what he wants to and thats what most men do. If you arents aying what they want to hear then they dont wont to talk about anything. Could he being doing that to you? But for the record I let them think that i ask him, but I dont ever say anything to him at all about sex, he s the one always saying I am not touching you when  no one else is around and he fails to relate that litle fact to them. So i am not saying anything at all to him about it i am through with the begging and all that, and stopped that 22 months ago. I shouldnt be made to feel like I have to beg for something thats natural, and neither should no one else. so you can see how three different people hear different things. My friend though is a person that doesnt mind talking and listening and he actually hears what you are saying to him and relates better and doesnt jump to conclusions about anything or read what he wants to hear in to it.  I swear i could be in a room with him and his friends and be talking about something deep and all of them wouldnt have a clue to what i was saying or meaning and twist it around and my friend would know what i meanta nd understood it, with out having to to make it mean what he wants it to. i dont know what to tell you except you cant change this man, either he is able to relate to you or he s  not. I do know you cant change them so maybe you need someone that doesnt mind talking to you then you would feel better about you and him. Maybe like me he is scared to say something cause he will be critized. so he just doesnt say anything. this can happen and after awhile you just shut down.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 25, 2007 - 1:24AM #17
Spunkie_Spirit
Posts: 21
I'm not the one to say if your fooling yourself or not.  I was with a younger man for several years beginning 16 years ago.  He was with someone else yet we continued on for years.  He was not willing to leave the other person, though he claims I never asked him to.  We had a very passionate yet unhealthy relationsip.

We spoke on and off for 10 years and last year we began talking again.  It has now been a year and we have only seen each other once yet we speak or email almost every day.  He is still with the other person and now has joint assets.

Am I kidding myself when I think that this is some kind of relationship because we do talk about feelings and emotions.  I have to say that I have never been given the opportunity to talk openly and honestly with someone about a past relationship with the person whom I had that relationship with.  It has truely been a blessing to get so much out in the open.  No matter how close to him I feel, the fact is that he is still with someone else and will not make himeself available to me except for on the phone or in cyber space. 

I know I'm kidding myself and I know I deserve so much more.  I deserve someone who wants to see me and spend time with me.  I know all of that IN MY HEAD!  But in my heart I know I want and love him!
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 25, 2007 - 9:17AM #18
shiloh43
Posts: 423
Yes spunkie all thats so true. Your head tells you the reality and the heart something else, me I am the reverse of what you are though, i am with someone and my friend isnt. So I dont have the right to tell him to stop his life and wait for me and I wouldnt, that is selfish. Only differemce is that I have told him what I have in mind though that as soon as i get the stuff together tjhough I will leave. Your guy hasnt did that though, hes still with her, he can always divorce her and take his assets and spilt it up if he really wants to be with you he will, but i do belive that you deserve someone that can give you a full glass and niot a half of glass, and you know that also. But it still doesnt stop your heart  from lving him and thats something that will probably never happen, i wish you luck though in finding that special.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 25, 2007 - 9:34PM #19
Spunkie_Spirit
Posts: 21
[QUOTE=shiloh43;163629]Yes spunkie all thats so true. Your head tells you the reality and the heart something else, me I am the reverse of what you are though, i am with someone and my friend isnt. "

Shiloh thanks for the response.  Today has been so difficult because I've thought of him often, actually too often, and it hurts to think that he probably has not thought of me even once.  He and I have never discussed his plans regarding leaving her.  He has 2 kids and all he has said is that he refuses to become "one of those: every other weekend dads".  So am I kidding myself to think that he would ever consider leaving her and coming to me?
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 25, 2007 - 10:12PM #20
shiloh43
Posts: 423
I think spunkie  that sugar lands new song says it all. I dont know if you have heard it or not,   " Stay" Its about the same thing you are going through, only that lady is sleeping with a married man and finally she get tired of it and goes on with her life. I gues thats what he is saying to you and maybe he is waiting for you to do that yourself, without him saying that himself. I am in the same situtaion as in you are always wandering what the other is doing. the thought of him even with a woman kills me. I know thats stupid but its true. Mine though does discuss sex so we are geting to that point. I promise you after having been in a sexless marriage now for nearly two years or longer, and always been told that something is wrong with my body I am scared to death to be with my friend, like this even though he is sweet and kind and my body not being being slim and trim, and all, like he is, and he probably wouldnt even be bothered by it at all, cause he would be so into it, i am still scared, I mean he is hot spunkie like he walked out of a magazine and with 6 pack abs. so you know how women are about ours. But I am going to work on losing alot of my inches to get into a size 10. 0r 8. Sometimes, he will be sitting in his office in his chair and I will be on the other side of him across from him on that side of his  desk and he will sort of push his chair back and lean back and put his arms behind his head and sexy arms at that,. like he is exposing his chest and inviting me there. I promise you this much ours is headed that way, cause he is very much into variety and sex. husband is not into anything.was that way before friend. You can imagine how frusterating this is for me to think about, and now I have a chance to publish the steamy stories that i write, for him, it gets rid of the frusteration at least. so that is therapy. well until i see him and one of us brings it up. then we are both thinking about it.
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