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6 years ago  ::  Dec 05, 2007 - 5:07PM #1
PaulaEdwina
Posts: 1,720
So I guess I come across as a bit of a hard ass and a know it all. Actually, I'm not a know it all - I know some things, by no means a lot of things, but I know the things I know. And I'm not a hard ass  - just because someone isn't demonstrative with his/her feelings does mean he/she doesn't have any.

So pardon me while I vent.

So a 'friend' of mine at work infected her computer with some really malicious spyware or something about a day ago. She tried to get rid of it, but it spawned. So I told her she needed to disconnect her computer from the network. She disagreed and kept trying to fix the spyware to no avail. So I told her a second time she needed to disconnect her computer from the network - she insisted that since she turned off her computer it was no longer part of the system. I told her we had a T3 line and it doesn't work like your modem at home (not to mention, if your modem is active and your computer is off doesn't guarantee security either, but that's another story). Anyway she was getting frustrated with the problem and with me so I stopped making suggestions.

So today she finally called IT and after messing with it a while guess what they did - they disconnected her from the network.  So I ribbed her a  little - "told ya - we have a T3 (actually a T1)" and she got pissed at me.I didn't see it coming at all. I mean we rib each other all the time.  I didn't contaminate her computer, she just felt bad so I got it - the whole talk-to-the hand gesture and a pointedly turned back as she talked to the IT guy.

What I wanted to tell her was to f*&k off, but of course I didn't. I just put in my ear buds and listened to some really loud funk carioca.

I guess I shouldn't have said anything from the start? Being a socially incompetent geek in the world is hard. Speaking for the geeks, it's not that we're trying to show you up, we're trying to share information we happen to have. It's really hard to figure out when you regular types want to know and when you don't want to know.

Just saying.
Paula
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 05, 2007 - 5:30PM #2
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Paula-
Yeah, people ARE tough to deal with.  I know how you feel.

For example, someone will come to me with a problem, I will suggest ways that they can handle it successfully, they will report back later that they did things THEIR way and failed, but are they NOW willing to give my advice a try?  Nope.

So, like I often say, there's lots of ways to learn things in this world, but the last way---experiencing it yourself---teaches the best, even though it hurts the most.

A quote I read recently goes something like this:

"Experience is a harsh school, but fools will learn at no other."

However, Arnie's been teaching tracking methods lately that have proved VERY effective at communicating without raising hackles; probably what she was reacting to is first, the fact that you were right, and second, the fact that you were rubbing it in.

Or at least, this is probably the way she's seeing it.

I'm just glad that her problem didn't affect and infect everyone on the network.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 05, 2007 - 5:33PM #3
appy20
Posts: 10,165
One of the downfalls of my INTJ personality.  I know what I know and also what I don't know.  When I know it, I am too willing to share it and I speak decisively which drives people nuts.  Folks do not like that. 

I read something a few years ago that helped me a lot about how everyone wants to be an expert and sometimes you have to let them even when they don't know what they are talking about.  I reserve that for my more meaningful relationships.  At work, in my department, I will butt in.  Afterall, it is my department.  However, I try to limit what is and isn't my business which is dang hard when someone actually asks you for their help and then resents you when you give it. 

Your friend will cool off.  Then maybe you can approach her and explain the problem.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 05, 2007 - 5:47PM #4
PaulaEdwina
Posts: 1,720
You both offer a great deal of insight. I especially like this quote, Hatman, ""Experience is a harsh school, but fools will learn at no other."".  You are both right, sometimes people want to work stuff out themselves, even if they share their struggle with you, even if they do want your help.

Appy, what you said, "One of the downfalls of my INTJ personality. I know what I know and also what I don't know. When I know it, I am too willing to share it and I speak decisively which drives people nuts. Folks do not like that."

You are so right.  My dilema is my ego I guess: when I act like I don' t know either, I am more accepted socially, but I am disappointed in myself. I feel like I'm dumbing down to fit in, and I resent that on so many levels.  So the grown up in me understands the tactic, but the rebel in me wants to give everybody the finger.

You know what I just thought of too - recent events are probably making me harder to take among my peers. I started a 4 year doctoral degree two years ago, and got my MSPH (Master of Science Public Health) - officially spoke to my advisor and she notified the graduation commitee, just yesterday. Maybe up to that time it was just a theoretical thing, or maybe nobody really thought about it?

The cubes have been restless lately because there are a few of us that are pursuing higher ed; one PhD, one dual master degree, three single master degrees, one MBA and another going on interviews for Pharmacy school. This has made for some hard feelings/vibes. So I guess today was especially a bad day to be right and rub it in.

Shrug.
Paula
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 05, 2007 - 5:51PM #5
appy20
Posts: 10,165
Those things do weigh in.  Some corners of my universe were rattled when I got my promotion.  When status changes, relationships change too.  Fortunately, they are old, familiar personalities and my current boss sees through them so they can't do much harm.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 05, 2007 - 5:55PM #6
appy20
Posts: 10,165
" I feel like I'm dumbing down to fit in, and I resent that on so many levels. So the grown up in me understands the tactic, but the rebel in me wants to give everybody the finger."

The annoying thing is dumbing down is expected of women more than men.   When we do know something, we are expected to be ten times more diplomatic about it.  I have seen males be far more blunt and abrasive than I am and get away with it.  Those patriarchal standards still prevail. 

Once again, I don't dumb down for everyone.  Some folks are just not worth the effort.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 05, 2007 - 7:52PM #7
cultresearcher
Posts: 849
i have a problem with my girlfriend.  some time ago i invested in some real estate and i am going to cash it in the next few days.  i told her that once i did i would buy a home in florida.  she wants to move her friends in to the home and tell me that my family will pretty much need an appointment.  what do you think?
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 05, 2007 - 7:59PM #8
appy20
Posts: 10,165
Tell her, Hades NO!  Who moves their friends into their boyfriend's house?  Geesh.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 05, 2007 - 8:27PM #9
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Cult-
Yeah, I quite agree with Appy, here.

Ask your gf just how much she invested in your property.

Ask her how often she worked on it.

Ask her how much she helped prepare it for sale.

Tell her the tale of the Little Red Hen.(She wanted to bake a cake, but first, no one would help her gather the ingredients; second, no one would help her prepare the ingredients she gathered; and third, none would prepare the kitchen for the baking.  However, once the cake was complete, everyone who refused to do the work was plenty willing to EAT that cake!  The little Red Hen told them all to take a hike, and ate every bit of it herself.)

So yeah, tell her "NO," and in no uncertain terms, either.

NEVER let anyone dictate terms to you unless you are ready to unconditionally surrender, and be a slave forever.

Remember this always, and it will serve you well:

"You teach people how to treat you by what you will or will not accept."

It sounds like you want to move to FLA with your gf, and she wants to also bring a bunch of friends along to live with(off?) you.  Maybe if you used an illustrative example of HER living on her own, only to have a half-dozen freeloading friends move in who ate all her food, never cleaned up, and never contributed to either the rent or the phone or water/gas/electric.  Ask her how long SHE'D put up with that mess.

But if she makes a big deal out of this, it may be a good time to re-evaluate your relationship and consider ending it, unless, of course, you ENJOY being trampled, in which case you should prepare for a lifetime of more of that.  Marry her, and that'll seal your fate.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 05, 2007 - 9:29PM #10
lil_lamb
Posts: 2,898

cultresearcher wrote:

i have a problem with my girlfriend.  some time ago i invested in some real estate and i am going to cash it in the next few days.  i told her that once i did i would buy a home in florida.  she wants to move her friends in to the home and tell me that my family will pretty much need an appointment.  what do you think?



well, i for one wouldn't approve of that. i'd prefer to have a home than run a flop-house.

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