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11 years ago  ::  Nov 18, 2007 - 5:28PM #1
Posts: 242
#1       11-16-2007, 05:16 PM 
Level 8
Level 8   Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 757 

This area of Beliefnet is not a support area. When you ask a question here, you can expect to get real feedback here, both positive and negative. The goal of this area is to permit you to see your relationship from another's point of view.

You will find post here that hurt.

Relationships are painful, and many of us rationalize our relationships in order to remain in them. We seek others who will enable us to remain in a hurtful relationship. The members that post here, have been in painful relationships, they have been hurt. Some of them are willing to honestly share with you their pain, their mistakes, and the things they see in your relationship that they see you ignoring. The "RED FLAGS" if you will. If you are trying to hold onto and imaginary or failing relationship that sharing can be seen and felt as hurtful. Simply because it may force you to look at and acknowledge your rationalizations. Please try to understand that some see more worth in you at the moment than perhaps you do. That some here are not simply here to hear what a great person they are, and to watch their post numbers rise.

Our relationships are very much about ourselves, what we do and what we fail to do. The choices we make and the choices we fail to make. You've put time and effort, and work into a relationship, and sometimes that makes one unwilling to think about walking away from a relationship. Or perhaps you have a religious conviction that you feel requires you to remain in a hurtful destructive relationship. That will get challenged here. This is a multifaith area and not all will share these beliefs. Sadly not all relationships are good, or healthy, or even safe. The percent of female murder victims, killed by an intimate parter has remained constant since 1978 at about 30% Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Nearly one-third of American women (31 percent) report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives, according to a 1998 Commonwealth Fund survey. Thirty percent of Americans say they know a woman who has been physically abused by her husband or boyfriend in the past year.

That will be reflected in what you hear here, form people interested in more than fluff, more than simply getting another pat on the back. The ones only interested in fluff will never hear from the 30% of murder women who their enabling words may have played some small part in enabling them to remain in the situation that led to their death. And sadly it is unlikely that they will hear from the more than half a million American women who are victims of nonfatal violence committed by an intimate partner each year. When you look at those numbers you need to realize that there are more than half a million people who have a belief that they have a right to abuse their partner or spouse. Who have a need to enable you to remain in an abusive situation., simply because by enabling you to remain, they are justifying their partner remaining.

There are lots of reasons why people post what they do here. And everyone posting sweet agreeable words that you find pleasing may not be doing it out of a love for you or even a care about you. Just as everyone posting words that you find hurtful might not be doing it out of a desire to hurt you. There are at least two sets of beliefs here. One claims that you can't change your partner that you are in an intimate relationship with. Think about what they are really saying, if you can't change your spouse, then there is no hope they are going to change you a stranger either. If their words are valid then their posts are meaningless in their own mind. If you can't change your partner, then their posts surly can't change you. Can't help you. They simply are not here to really offer helpful advice to you. That leaves being here for the glory, the pat on the backs, and the post counts and deception.
May you walk in peace
and know that you are loved



There is a lot of truth in what is said above on abusive relationships. I think that most people that have been in that situation in the past,  those that have not and would not consider being in a relationship of abuse would say to "get out now".  Though there has been a few cases where the abuser has seen that he/she is wrong, admitted to the need to change and then with extensive therapy have effectively changed, most do not. They just carry their abusive behavour into the next relationship.  If you are in a relationship like that it is fruitless to think that you can "change" your partner. It is also next to impossible to even "create the environment" to cause a desire within that person to change. It takes professional help, at the least, combined with the desire within the abuser to change. Anything else would most likely enable the behavour....

Professional help.......   If I was in need of brain surgery I would want to interview a few surgeons to see what their opinion and methods were before I let them cut into my head. Any surgeon that told me that I should not seek the advice of others because I was the only one right, the other surgeons methods were wrong, I WOULD NOT TRUST (you don't have to be a brain surgeon to figure that out :) I would apply the same to getting advice in something as important as my marriage.

It appears that the above was posted with the underlying intent to tell people seeking help to not trust anyone that does not agree with the poster in the area of whether "you can change someone else".  I see many people that come here hurting and seeking advice in their relationships. They have tried in many ways to "change" the other person with no effect. Perhaps these people should be allowed to decide for themselves whether what advice they obtain is 'Fluff" or if it is something that will work for them. Just like in surgery;  all options should be explored before making a decision.

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