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6 years ago  ::  Nov 15, 2007 - 11:08AM #1
Louise561
Posts: 2
Hello!!  I haven't been on this site for a while but need support over something that just happened to me regarding the therapist I was seeing off and on for about two years. 

I got divorced and was very traumatized by the events that I discovered about my ex husband that I was married to for many years.  My daughters were traumatized too.  I had my youngest who is living with me start therapy with a psychologist and then I called the psychologist to talk to her regarding the divorce and what went on. Plus, I wanted to start seeing a psychologist and thought I'd see how the one my daughter was seeing was.  So, I did ask this psychologist from the beginning (about two years ago) if it would be alright if I saw her too since my daughter was seeing her. The only thing the psychologist said was "yes, but I'm not sure how the insurance works - if they will pay for your visit too".  I knew the insurance would pay for the visit and I was right. The psychologist also said something to the effect of "well, I'll just get a picture from you what is going on from this divorce, etc.".  She didn't indicate to me that I could only see her a few times to give her a clearer picture of the whole mess.    I don't usually open up to people but from the start I felt I could open up to this professional.  I told her everything regarding the man I was married to and how cruel he turned out to be - manipulative, lying constantly, etc.  I also told her some things his first wife had said to me regarding him which at the time, I thought the first wife was just bitter.  Anyway, I saw this psychologist for about five months and then decided I didn't want to depend on anyone too much to work things out for me so told her that I'd stop for now.  She seemed surprised by me stopping seeing her but just said "well, if anything comes up you know where I am". So, of course with that comment from her, I assumed I could come back and talk things out with her anytime I wanted to.  Then, something else came up, I called her back a few months later and made an appt. to see her. My daughter was still seeing her. I should've gotten a hint knowing she didn't want to see me when she said to me "OK you can come for a few visits". Then, I just got the feeling after each session that she really didn't want to continue to see me.  She'd say "well, what do you want to do, J?" after each appoinment I had with her.   I thought maybe since I stopped seeing her the first time she didn't want to press me to continue to see her if I didn't want to, so I just ignored this feeling that I got that she didn't want to see me thinking maybe I was wrong in feeling this way. So, after I stopped the last time which was 6 months ago, my daughter is still seeing her and continues to. Which is OK with me. but, something in my family happened that I'd like to vent out my feelings with this psychologist and I called her to make an appointment - well, when I told her I wanted to come in and talk things over with her again, there was silence. I hadn't seen her for six months and my daughter is still seeing her. She said "how does M feel about this?" I said "she doesn't care".  I hadn't asked my daughter if she minded if I see this person that she was seeing too or not. since I was seeing her off and on for two years or so.  So, this psychologist himmed and hammed and I could tell she didn't want to make an appt. to see me. Instead she just said " why don't I recommend you to someone else?" I politely said "OK" but was feeling so hurt and confused by that remark  and then something came up (I was at work) and I had to discontinue the call. I was very upset over this whole conversation - I mean, at the beginning when I started seeing her I didn't know if the thereapists were able to treat a daughter and her mother seperately and I asked her if it would be OK since my daughter was seeing her and then I started to see her. Here, I trusted her and spilled out my feelings and events that were personal to her and now she doesn't want to see me anymore. I asked my daughter if she could make heads or tails out of it - I didn't want to tell my daughter the conversation I had with this therapist but my daughter could tell from my quietness when I got home that something was bothering me. Well, my daughter admitted that she's been complaining to this therapist about me (which I thought might be happening )and I know it would be difficult for the therapist to see me while my daughter is complaining over some minor things that irritate her about me. But, why would the therapist even start seeing me if she knew it might come to this - unless the therapist just thought I'd only go a few times. I'm confused becuase the first time I stopped seeing this therapist after 6 months of seeing her and my daughter was seeing her, the therapist said to me "well, if you decide to come back and talk you know where I am". So, at that time she didn't mind seeing me - maybe it's because then my daughter wasn't complaining to her about me at the time. But, my question is don't the therapists know not to see a daughter and mother as patients seperately or what?  I'm feeling rejected and wonder also did I do something wrong for this psychologist not to want to see me.  I felt good venting to her and some things were cleared up and I never thought I'd feel hurt over a therapist rejecting me but after seeing her off and on for about two years I do feel hurt over this . Any comments would be welcome. As I'm still trying to figure out what went on - I know the therapist feels that she can't have me as a patient if my duaghter is complaining over things I do that irritate her but at the same time why did this therapist take me on as a patient when she was treating my daughter to begin with?
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 15, 2007 - 3:56PM #2
shiloh43
Posts: 423
that might be all it is cause she cant have memebers of the same family seing her and that leaves her stuck in the middle to help either of you out. I mean you wouldnt use the same law firm as your husband getting a divorce would you. I think you should find someone else, if you think that you just have to pay somone to listen to you. Havent you got a best freind to listen to you without paying someone too. Thats what i have is a best friend and its of the opposite sex,. cause i have never had good luck with females being best friends. I dont know why well i do why, its cause i can trust him as much as i did my mom when she was aliive. I have no parents at all, and no one else but this man and if you have looked at other post you know my situation. but i am trying to help you. I never went too a grief counselor at all, and probably should have cause she doed in a very traumatic way and stil ahvent forgotten it, but my friend understands. Believe me just because people havent experienced the same things in life as you have doesnt mean that they dont understand you are cant relate to you. cause they can.  just gibve someone a chance and sometimes strangers work out  better than people taht you already know.  good luck hope to hear from you.
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 21, 2007 - 12:10AM #3
Fredleted
Posts: 659
You had been seeing this therapist for a while, and I find it strange that the therapist couldn't be forthright in any conflict of interest between seeing you and your daughter separately.

But  then again, I've known therapists who will see you for an hour, charge an arm and a leg, and you don't get any feedback from them unless you virtually twist their arm. You have several options with this Therapist.

Go and see him/her and demand what direction you should talk. Tell her that you are aware  of that there may be some conflict between you & your daughter (although you don't see that as a major issue - although obviously your daughter & the theraoist might), so rather than see someone else cold, ask for your file and have the therapist recommend another who could take your file. No point watsing another 6 months retelling your history.

Alternatively, ask whether you & your daughter can have joint sittings with the therapist with the view to resolving whatever issues you & she may have. Your daughter would have to agree to do this, if she is interested in resolving this part of her issues, then the therapist can discuss it with her.

I would think the therapist should have the experience to discuss these matters with you , and be able to provide you with another professional's details so that you can move forward in resolving your own issues.
Scooby Dooby Dooo!!!   - Frank Sinatra.
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 21, 2007 - 2:26AM #4
Fredleted
Posts: 659
ps.

I stumbled into your thread by accident, & I hope my comments are helpful.

When I saw your Thread topic I thought it read The Rapist.

Just goes to show what state of mind I'm in.


:confused:
Scooby Dooby Dooo!!!   - Frank Sinatra.
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 21, 2007 - 7:45PM #5
foo62
Posts: 19
Going to therapy is kind of tricky.  I was lucky enough to really like the one I saw a few years ago and made a lot of progress with him.  My daughter saw the same guy and we never had a problem with him seeing both of us separately.  When he wanted my input about a situation w/ my daughter he would ask her permission first to talk to me about it then we would all meet together if needed.  My daughter did alright, but was smart enough at the time to figure out what he wanted to hear to get herself "done" with it.  She has gone recently to campus student health services and is seeing someone she trusts and is making progress with.

I think there has to be a huge "buy in" to the process.  The client has to trust the therapist.  I never really thought about it, but I assume the therapist has to have some kind of faith either in the client (you) or the process or both.  I would hope one would be professional to come out and say, "I think it would be a conflict of interest for me to have sessions with you at this time" if she is not buying into seeing you as well.  That she would be colored "against" you from your daughter venting seems like a red flag to me. 

I am clearly not an expert on all of this, but if you are getting wierd vibes, move on.  It is very possible the therapist could do good things together to help your daughter grow.  Still, the situation you described just makes me feel ill at ease.  Hopefully, the therapy is helping your daughter.  I would keep an eye out and keep communication open with your daughter.  You know her better than anyone. 

Find someone else for you.  A good match can be a God send.  There were a few people my other daughter and I met with either outright got her guard up or just didn't gel.  We tried one guy and she went, but it really wasn't helpful.

Good luck.  I hope it all works out wonderfully for you both.
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 21, 2007 - 7:45PM #6
foo62
Posts: 19
Going to therapy is kind of tricky.  I was lucky enough to really like the one I saw a few years ago and made a lot of progress with him.  My daughter saw the same guy and we never had a problem with him seeing both of us separately.  When he wanted my input about a situation w/ my daughter he would ask her permission first to talk to me about it then we would all meet together if needed.  My daughter did alright, but was smart enough at the time to figure out what he wanted to hear to get herself "done" with it.  She has gone recently to campus student health services and is seeing someone she trusts and is making progress with.

I think there has to be a huge "buy in" to the process.  The client has to trust the therapist.  I never really thought about it, but I assume the therapist has to have some kind of faith either in the client (you) or the process or both.  I would hope one would be professional to come out and say, "I think it would be a conflict of interest for me to have sessions with you at this time" if she is not buying into seeing you as well.  That she would be colored "against" you from your daughter venting seems like a red flag to me. 

I am clearly not an expert on all of this, but if you are getting wierd vibes, move on.  It is very possible the therapist could do good things together to help your daughter grow.  Still, the situation you described just makes me feel ill at ease.  Hopefully, the therapy is helping your daughter.  I would keep an eye out and keep communication open with your daughter.  You know her better than anyone. 

Find someone else for you.  A good match can be a God send.  There were a few people my other daughter and I met with either outright got her guard up or just didn't gel.  We tried one guy and she went, but it really wasn't helpful.

Good luck.  I hope it all works out wonderfully for you both.
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