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7 years ago  ::  Nov 13, 2007 - 3:42PM #1
beingserene
Posts: 13
Hello, I just signed up today.  I did reply to torimic, because I wanted to pray that if there's a chance they can find some love, please don't give up.  My children went from being fairly well rounded to getting in legal trouble and substance abuse.

My children were 15 & 17 when we separated. They are now 16 & 18. My husband & I separated just over a year ago. I left him for reasons that are hard to explain ( becuase I now wonder if I over reacted). At the time I was working full time, going to school (for an associate's degree), attending AA meetings, and still trying to keep up household chores, and be supportive of my children. I one time told my husband I'd like to hire a housekeeper once a month to take some of the load off of me. His response was, "I didn't marry a lazy person, and I won't stay married to one." That really hurt to the core. My response was I didn't marry an a- - hole, and I won't stay married to one." I would clean the house once a week (at least), and try to attend all my son's athletic events at school. He always complained that the house looked like a "crack house." When I would ask him what he wanted to do on a weekend, he always said, "nothing we got work to do." My snoring made him sleep downstairs. I started to feel so lonely, and inadequate. He always said things like, " I can't wait till your kids move the f- -k out of this house", (he is their father). His temper was becoming increasingly and he started beating the dog everytime she messed the house. I couldn't handle that. It was traumatic.
At work I was doing well, and I developed a crush on my boss. I felt so appreciated and so wanted and liked by my boss and others while I was their. ( I now realize I turned to another man instead of God to feel good about me). I started spending more time away from home, so I wouldn't have to be with my husband. I went to AA meetings, stayed late at work (on days I didn't have class), and got together with my girlfriends on the weekends. I asked him if he wanted to go to marriage counseling he said no. By this time I was so shut down, I wasn't real disappointed.
I finally told him I was getting an apartment and moving out. I also told him that, I'd become interested in another person (not my boss). The day I took off my wedding rings, he told my daughter to let the cat out. I jokingly told him, he didn't care if the dog went out. He said, " I want her to go out, if I had my way, I'd put an f- - -ing bullet in her head." When he realized I took off my rings he begged me to go to counseling. For a brief moment I was willing. His drunken rage that night sent me running. There were a lot of horrible events like that.
When I got into another relationship ( a month later) (with yet another man,and we are still together), he begged me not to. I didn't want to hurt him, but at that time I felt nothing toward him (no anger, resentment, or love). I was too selfish not to believe that it was going to hurt our kids. When he started dating I reacted with jealous rage. We've both done a lot of damaging things. I've recently moved to LA to try to get away from my husband (because things had turned really bad between us.
My daughter started getting in trouble at school, she faced expulsion twice in her sophomore year, and also had to go before the juvenille court system. My son went from honor roll and athletics to barely graduating. He was supposed to go into the Marines this fall. He was not able to do so, because got in trouble for shoplifting. He was discharged from the delayed entry program. He is able to try again, but now has to wait, because he has to go to court for a hit and run. He has turned to destructive drinking and I believe he has a serious drinking problem. For him drinking 15 beers, and liquor is not unusual.. My husband and I suspect he's also involved in illegal activity. I often worry that one of these days my husband and I will receive a call that something awful has happened. He is out of control My daughter is so angry with me she won't even answer my phone calls. My son is very distant.
My husband and I are considering working on our marriage, but I will also have the guilt of hurting a man I love. I do love my husband, and another obstacle is my daughter doesn't want me back in their lives.
Sorry for the book, I just wanted to let you know the devestating consequences it's had on our children.
I do forgive my husband, I am struggling with not forgiving me.
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 13, 2007 - 3:59PM #2
shiloh43
Posts: 423
I think that you should stay with the man that you are with now, because chances are your ex has not  changed at all, and it would be the same thing all over again and then yiou will hear you slept with someone else for the rest of your life, what your children are doing might have happened anyway and could have already been headed that way, whether you were there are not. Both need to get a divorce and go on with your life. I have to ask what happened with your boss? I was just wandering.being ina similar situation myself and knowing how you feel then yes i can relate to you? Please write back soon.
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 13, 2007 - 4:04PM #3
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
beingserene,

Welcome to the Divorce & Separation Board, and sorry for what brought you here.  If you have looked around at the posts, you have seen that there are many kind and caring people here with some good feedback.  Your response on the other thread is appreciated, and an example of how we help each other here!  I hope you can stay awhile can continue to share with us.

You have been through so much pain in your marriage and there have been so many things done that it may be hard to imagine you could ever get to a place of forgiveness and love again.  You have seen some changes in your children that have been so upsetting and you are worried that they have been triggered by what happened in the marriage.

Having thought you didn't have any feelings for your husband, perhaps you were so surprised at the reaction to his dating.  Thinking that he hadn't feelings left for you, perhaps his reactions to your other relationship was likewise a shock.

Perhaps at this point you are convinced that in spite of the feelings that are still there, that the damage has been too great and nothing can be done at this point to heal your marriage.

I wish you all the best,

ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce & Separation
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 13, 2007 - 5:32PM #4
beingserene
Posts: 13
shiloh43,

My boss wound up taking a new position.  We stayed in contact for a while.  I told him of my feelings for him.  He told me had he met me earlier in life and under different circumstances he would have been interested in persuing a relationship, but he loved his wife and family more than anything in the world. 
I now look back and am grateful he didn't give in.  He is 30 years older than I am.  Now when I do get back to work, I am going to definitely keep things cordial and professional. I could've really ruined a career that I worked so hard to achieve.  The only reason I'm not working now is because I left Maryland & came to Louisiana to get away from my husband.  I wanted to get away and get over him.  It has not worked.  I do miss him.  I also really want to work with him to help our kids.  I often go to bed fearing my son will wind up killing someone (drinking and driving), dead or in jail.
I do really admire my former boss' dedication to his family.  My very close friend who worked with me at the time thought there was some chemistry there.  She also realized how much his family meant to him.  I pray things are well for him, and him and his wife are enjoying his retirement.
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 13, 2007 - 6:23PM #5
shiloh43
Posts: 423
No, my friend is my age, and its not like that at all, except for the fact that he is divorced, he got that way a few years ago, but i didnt know it till later so itwasnt like we did anything and still havent but, yes the chemistry is there strong. Neither of us has kids at all,.so we wouldnt have that tos atnd in the way of anything. I hope that your son doesnt do anything crazy and get hurt or killed, does that to someone else. maybe your ex, could put him in rehab while hes closer to him than you, and get your daughter some help. Do you love the guy that you are with now? I am just wandering, believe me i think you will be ok in time and the grieving process will help after time, and everything will starightened itself, out hopefully. You can ask me anything you want. Did you ever kiss the other man? just wandering what all this stuff is like on the other side, you have to understand that i am in a sexless marriage for years and no affection at all, and he is my closet and dearest friend that i have and understands me with out being critical at all. I hope you can help. please write soon.
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 13, 2007 - 6:24PM #6
shiloh43
Posts: 423
It was very admiral of the man to be that way toward his family. Did his wife ever know anything at all.
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 13, 2007 - 3:59PM #7
shiloh43
Posts: 423
I think that you should stay with the man that you are with now, because chances are your ex has not  changed at all, and it would be the same thing all over again and then yiou will hear you slept with someone else for the rest of your life, what your children are doing might have happened anyway and could have already been headed that way, whether you were there are not. Both need to get a divorce and go on with your life. I have to ask what happened with your boss? I was just wandering.being ina similar situation myself and knowing how you feel then yes i can relate to you? Please write back soon.
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 13, 2007 - 4:04PM #8
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
beingserene,

Welcome to the Divorce & Separation Board, and sorry for what brought you here.  If you have looked around at the posts, you have seen that there are many kind and caring people here with some good feedback.  Your response on the other thread is appreciated, and an example of how we help each other here!  I hope you can stay awhile can continue to share with us.

You have been through so much pain in your marriage and there have been so many things done that it may be hard to imagine you could ever get to a place of forgiveness and love again.  You have seen some changes in your children that have been so upsetting and you are worried that they have been triggered by what happened in the marriage.

Having thought you didn't have any feelings for your husband, perhaps you were so surprised at the reaction to his dating.  Thinking that he hadn't feelings left for you, perhaps his reactions to your other relationship was likewise a shock.

Perhaps at this point you are convinced that in spite of the feelings that are still there, that the damage has been too great and nothing can be done at this point to heal your marriage.

I wish you all the best,

ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce & Separation
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 13, 2007 - 5:32PM #9
beingserene
Posts: 13
shiloh43,

My boss wound up taking a new position.  We stayed in contact for a while.  I told him of my feelings for him.  He told me had he met me earlier in life and under different circumstances he would have been interested in persuing a relationship, but he loved his wife and family more than anything in the world. 
I now look back and am grateful he didn't give in.  He is 30 years older than I am.  Now when I do get back to work, I am going to definitely keep things cordial and professional. I could've really ruined a career that I worked so hard to achieve.  The only reason I'm not working now is because I left Maryland & came to Louisiana to get away from my husband.  I wanted to get away and get over him.  It has not worked.  I do miss him.  I also really want to work with him to help our kids.  I often go to bed fearing my son will wind up killing someone (drinking and driving), dead or in jail.
I do really admire my former boss' dedication to his family.  My very close friend who worked with me at the time thought there was some chemistry there.  She also realized how much his family meant to him.  I pray things are well for him, and him and his wife are enjoying his retirement.
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7 years ago  ::  Nov 13, 2007 - 6:23PM #10
shiloh43
Posts: 423
No, my friend is my age, and its not like that at all, except for the fact that he is divorced, he got that way a few years ago, but i didnt know it till later so itwasnt like we did anything and still havent but, yes the chemistry is there strong. Neither of us has kids at all,.so we wouldnt have that tos atnd in the way of anything. I hope that your son doesnt do anything crazy and get hurt or killed, does that to someone else. maybe your ex, could put him in rehab while hes closer to him than you, and get your daughter some help. Do you love the guy that you are with now? I am just wandering, believe me i think you will be ok in time and the grieving process will help after time, and everything will starightened itself, out hopefully. You can ask me anything you want. Did you ever kiss the other man? just wandering what all this stuff is like on the other side, you have to understand that i am in a sexless marriage for years and no affection at all, and he is my closet and dearest friend that i have and understands me with out being critical at all. I hope you can help. please write soon.
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