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Switch to Forum Live View emotional or sexual affair
6 years ago  ::  Nov 09, 2007 - 9:21PM #1
shiloh43
Posts: 423
Which one of these do you think is the worst to commit or is both equally the same. Why do some people pick one over the other or does most of the time it start as a emotional and then go to the other. Just wandering what peoples opinions are on this.
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 09, 2007 - 11:33PM #2
Anesis
Posts: 1,540
Imho, they are both equally bad, since faithfulness reaches beyond sexual intimacy to intellectual and emotional intimacy. Being emotionally intimate with another man who is not your partner is robbing your husband of the intimacy that is rightfully his - unless he is included in a friendship that has no 'affair' type of connotation.

I am a Christian, so I believe that faithfulness begins in the mind and in the heart. An emotional affair that robs your husband of emotional intimacy and gives it to someone else also sets the stage for further types of intimacy, including sexual. If you have even so lusted after someone who is not your spouse, you are guilty of committing adultery.

I have said that, and I have been guilty of it, so I am not making any judgments. I am only stating that it takes a strong mind to be faithful to your spouse in every way.
An
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 10, 2007 - 9:04AM #3
DustyLady
Posts: 430
I'm going to assume that we're defining "affair" as something involving one or both partners who are married to someone else.  I'm also assuming that these marriages involve a vow of fidelity.  (Mine doesn't, and I don't think that's necessary, but that's something for another discussion.)

I was always taught, and do believe, that the thought of a sin is as bad as the sin itself.  In other words, if you look at a person and imagine what it would be like to have sex with that person, then you have already committed that sin in your mind.  And sin is sin is sin.  There is no sin that is worse than another.

Dusty
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 10, 2007 - 9:38AM #4
Glory2Glory
Posts: 100
[QUOTE=Anesis;58111]Imho, they are both equally bad, since faithfulness reaches beyond sexual intimacy to intellectual and emotional intimacy. Being emotionally intimate with another man who is not your partner is robbing your husband of the intimacy that is rightfully his - unless he is included in a friendship that has no 'affair' type of connotation.

I am a Christian, so I believe that faithfulness begins in the mind and in the heart. An emotional affair that robs your husband of emotional intimacy and gives it to someone else also sets the stage for further types of intimacy, including sexual. If you have even so lusted after someone who is not your spouse, you are guilty of committing adultery.

I have said that, and I have been guilty of it, so I am not making any judgments. I am only stating that it takes a strong mind to be faithful to your spouse in every way.
An[/QUOTE]

Amen and ditto!  All this "best friends" stuff that goes on in the Body of Christ is often (I'd say not always, and not usually, but too often) a cover for crossing emotional boundaries that are reserved for husbands and wives.

For me, if my husband got friendly and cozy and connected with another woman, I'd consider him to be unfaithful whether they had sex or not.
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 10, 2007 - 8:22PM #5
shiloh43
Posts: 423
yes one is married, and one is not, and its only a friendship, and talk mostly but its still that undercrrent sexual thing that you just feel without saying. I agre with everything that you say above but when you have a partner that is always so critcal of everything and no sex at all for over a year and half, you sort of start thinking things you know you shouldnt. it just happens. You have all these thoughts that something is wrong with you, when you lay in bed night after night, alone, because they are asleep, and when they start saying oh I am tired on your anniversary night around 7 30 two hours before bedtiime, indicating that you best not think about it tonight either, even though its your 24th, and thats just in case you were thinking about it, but you arent, that to me tells it all. Not to mention the fact that you cant even remember the last annivesrary that you did and it was romantic, because its been so many years, for any time, and holiday, that you can remember, when he ttells his friends she does nothing to me in lingerie. This all during and before but more before " friend". I want to make that clear, and the fact that the friend is always a gentleman and never has touched her at all, tried to or said anything out of line. Always the perfect gentleman and its only talk, never even in the same room together alone, or at least not where people cant walk in at any time. Its only general conversation. i wont say anymore than taht its enough. so which one do you call this? what am I supposed to think? about either of them.
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 10, 2007 - 8:47PM #6
revrobor
Posts: 18
There are no degrees of sin.  As far as this discussion is concerned what the Bible talks about as adultry is the physical sexual act.  "Emotional affair" is a figment of the imagination apparently conceived to use as amunition when one partner or the other is perceived as being too friendly with the opposite sex.
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 10, 2007 - 8:58PM #7
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
Shiloh,  so you have been feeling so lonely and so in need of emotional and physical contact for such a long time and miss it so badly that you ache for it. For so long you have desperately wanted to feel desirable and attractive.  You have felt put down and criticized, and with no positive actions to build you back up, part of you has internalized the messages you have been receiving. Even though nothing has happened yet with your friend, you sense what the possibilities might be and it is so hard to keep from thinking about what might happen if...Part of you sees the possibility of getting what you have been so in need of and so wanting, and are perhaps wondering whether you should take a step in that direction.  Perhaps you are wondering how long you have to stay in the state of needing and wanting so badly.

Blessings,
Arnie
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 10, 2007 - 9:01PM #8
DustyLady
Posts: 430
Okay, I have tried three times now to respond to this.  I'm starting to get frustrated.

A marriage isn't based on sex alone.  There should be feelings of emotional attachment that are present with no other person.  Most marriages are solidified with vows of fidelity, or promises that neither person will have sex with another, but in my belief structure that also includes forming a deep emotional attachment with another. 

I work in a job where I go sometimes 2 or 3 months without seeing my husband, let alone have sex with him.  And yet, I feel an intense emotional bond with him that I couldn't imagine having with another person.  To me, if I could even imagine such feelings with another, that would indicate to me that there was something wrong with my marriage that needed immediate correction.

It doesn't matter if a person is feeling sexually frustrated, or if his/her feelings are not being returned by the other.  The point is, those promises were made, and can't be broken.  Ever.  Not as long as the marriage still exists.  Yes, sometimes it's a sad situation, but there it is.

If a person is in a bad situation, he/she has a couple of choices.  Either stick with it in the hopes that it will get better, make steps to improve the situation, or leave.  Be pro-active, and don't say that gives you excuses to do something you know is wrong.

Dusty
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 10, 2007 - 9:20PM #9
shiloh43
Posts: 423
I promise you after going 19 month and half months without sex and he is doing this on purpose, that i fully believe, you have all sorts of thoughts when you lay there night after night alone. You have those thoughts like Is every man going to feel thsi way about me. I am too fat or too this or too that. When your husband tells you that you are to fat on your anniversary after hes not even did anything in 6 months since then, and you have lost 17 pounds. you wander tjhings. I only weigh 150. I am slim. I dont wont to be anorexic at all, and I am healthy. He tells his friend that i do nothing for him in lingerie and i promise you for years his proven that fact, last year i bought a hot new little black outfit and it ahd the stockings and all, and it ahd been4 months then maybe 5, without sex and the time before that it only lasted 5 minutes. so i cant even call that sex, but anyway, I did the woman thing shaved and everything, and I was trying make myself feel better about having to sell my dads house that was paid for, due to having to spilt the  estate. Thats why i bought it, well do you know what his words were " I t does nothing for me, at all, But another man would like it, so i just sit on the sofa with itt on and said I put it on for you not anyone else. after awhile i just got up and went and put my normal pajamas on. A few months later was when the other happened, and we were out of town in a hotel, and all first time we had went somewhere in years, i did two different lingeries and all,.strawberries and whip cream, and all, i even bought massage oils. I pulled out all the stops, and nothing at all,.he didnt tru anything neither night, except after I was sitting on the side of the bed, going to put on other pajamas after he claimed that the massage oil caused him to lose it, and it was more for me then him, he said " where did you get that at, and is pointing to this small roll, of fat taht i still hadnt lost at the time, and you ahve to take in consideration, that i had lost 17 pounds before then, and it had been 7 months by now since he seen me, and he says that. what am I supposed to think? hence the friend, but hes always a gentleman,we have never did anything more than talk, and thats it, never touched at all, just talk in general. So what am I suppoed to think? Oh and last year when we did get home on our anniversary i fixedf us a nice staek dunner and all, and had us a cake and we ate in seperate rooms, and i went in there to his office just to pick the plate up and the door was shut, hadnt said anything at all, yet and when he heard me he said " I am too tired from driving home. I never went in the door at all, or told him that i was just coming after the plate, i just said " I didnt expect anything anyway. Its been years since we did anything on it, he shows no interest in sex at all, doesnt think its imnporant, evidently. So what am I supposed to do, I guess just let that part of me die. what do you think now, and please read my post else where before you answer it.
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 10, 2007 - 9:44PM #10
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407
Shiloh,

This has been going on so long and you are feeling so frustrated!  Despite all attempts to spice things up, be romantic and sexy, all you get is negative messages and no satisfaction whatsoever.  You have tried everything possible to no avail.  Now you are maybe wondering if you should give up on the idea of ever being intimate again.  You have received no emotional support, no affection, no physical contact, nothing that binds a couple and makes them one.  You are living like roommates, and that totally doesn't work for you.  Yet you feel completely stuck in the marriage and find it impossible to to even consider leaving.

Blessings,
Arnie
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